Potshots

YB Ooi and the World of Tomorrow

2008-05-19T12:29:00.020+08:00

WE IS IN PARLIAMENT! It's teh awesome ballz! w00t! Pakatan Rakyat are 1337 h4xxorzzzzzz!!!!111!!!!11111
Even if we were busy celebrating our new social uprising with lots of champagne and forgot to submit our questions (luckily I had already reminded Jeff "The Man, The Myth, The YB" Ooi via SMS to submit his questions before spending the night asking a different sort of oral question, hurh, hurh), my great cohort and cahooter, Tony Pua still managed to spin it in such a way as to make Pakatan look like it was protesting something or other. Meaning the 15 BN MPs who also didn't submit questions are basically crossing over to our side. Hurrah for bipartisan politics!

Tian Chua, we forgive you. Obviously with that haircut, it's not easy for you to get lucky. Forget about the questions, just help us keep the seats warm in parliament, these few weeks.

Bipartisanity or bipartinsanity - depending if you're British or American - is just one of the changes that has happened since YB Ooi, the Man of Steel, has taken up residence in the anals of power of this country. Yes, anals, you read it right, because as we all know, with so much bullshit flying around, it's only by getting to the arse of the matter that we can make changes in this country that has just been reborn and reloaded and now needs a makeover from some gay flers who have queer eyes.
Remember, Jeff is Chief of Staff. One of the staff, is Datuk Lee Kah Choon, formerly of Gerakan, whose lack of bowel movement after March 8 has started this whole biparti(n)sanity.

The power in the anals have gone from limp to rigid, since Jeff was erected... uhh, elected.

But since The Dark Knight Sir Jeff has ridden into Parliament, he has caused even more sweeping changes, and we're not talking about just the Indonesian maid who has to clean up after him because he is so gelojoh in the canteen. Now that the first session of Parliament is over, I shall list just a few, a few mind you, of the innumerable things that YB Ooi has masterminded in Parliament.

Master of The Universe!

In fact, The Dark Knight Sir Jeff, started it all when his trusty steed was abducted while he was lending his Ears of Justice to his liege lord, the King. Sensing that BN had something to do with this, and with the help of the Horse Whisperer they might learn our most covert secrets, we set out to go way overboard with this, ensuring that this dastardly deed could not be covered up.
And the perfect opportunity presented itself when YB's Ibrahim Ali and Karpal Singh engaged in "ye olde sixe o' one, halve aye dozen of anothoure" about being sat down - such important issues, where one sits and if one should be sitting at all, di Saluran Ceria Anda...
Knowing what kind of kerfuffle this would cause amongst seasoned wheelchair-huggers like our veteran of 24 years as a pro despite not finding it 'fun' and someone else who thinks it's actually 'exciting' (ah, democracy and free speech is alive and well even in this niche community), we knew that Karpal's ensuing press conference would gather many of these esteemed members of the press, so-named because every time something like this happens, they sure 'stim' one.

Peter Tan should know that life can still be fulfilling, despite being a person with a disability, or disabled person or a disability with a person, or whatever, until he can afford stem cell implants.

So we hijacked the questioning about Karpal's steed, which indeed, is only powered by one manpower, to our steed, a much more important several-dozened horsepowered Buatan Malaysia. As can be read via the definitely neutral and fair blogsite because Pakatan Rakyat runs it, we milked it for all it was worth, with such phrases that were so powerful that only the fair and neutral newspaper that is not controlled by BN could use - "I found a spot but I was told that I could not park there, probably because I was only driving a Wira and the spot could be occupied by a Mercedes-Benz or any bigger car."
Bravo, Jeffanator! Thinly-veiled jabs at corrupt BN politicians when this 7-year-old Wira is actually the car you punish your wife with rather than whatever fancy car you actually have FTW!
"This is a blatant dereliction of duty and double standards on the part of the Home Ministry and the IGP. It is an obstruction of the duty of MPs who have a respectable duty to listen to the Royal Address and debate on it when sitting convenes."
YB Ooi of the Jungle PWNSSSSZZZZ!
We also managed to query if the fuzz would also try and eat into an MP's measly RM6,000 allowance by issuing a fine or if in fact, the car was damaged by being towed and then sledgehammered by these police hooligans. Even though we knew no such thing would happen since the cops had only towed it into A PARKING BAY INSIDE PARLIAMENT and did not issue a summons. But we knew we could fool the rakyat into thinking that Jeff 'Hellraiser' Ooi was victimised by the lack of parking rather than the actual fact that he can't drive to save his life because after all, who reads the NST? Certainly not our constituents in Jelutong, hahaha!
But rakyat jelata sekalian, by doing this we have actually served the greater good. Now all Malaysians can enjoy additional parking at Parliament! This is but the first in a long line of changes Malaysia can now embrace simply because, and let us never forget, that Jeffwoman is in Parliament.

An actual damaged Wira, a sight soon to become a scarcity, since they launched the Persona.

More changes were afoot when we insinuated Brigadier General Ooi as Chief of Staff to the Chief Minister of Penang. Who knows what a CoS actually does besides help you in trigonometry, but it's a hella great title, isn't it? And it helps us tumpang glamer and be part of the government of the day when we were earlier too sombong to run for ADUN.
But even then, we've managed to force a positive change. We've cut down cost by convincing Lim Guan Eng to fly economy! And also to take cheaper rooms in hotels. But our friend, I tell you, not so clever to spin. Instead of saying, "I only use whatever I need," he gave up the game and said, "I usually request for a room that is at least one level down from what I am accorded." Aiyo, Lim! Must I handle the entire DAP PR? Jeff the Thing is a handful already!
But anyway, we even ensured that we got a lot of coverage of this. How? We very cleverly ensured that a blogger got whiff of this. And once our special and supreme race of people caught on to this, we knew it would spread like piss in a swimming pool.

It's art, in modern times.

Eventually, even The Nation's No.1 Advertising Portal hyped it up. An unexpected bonus occurred when they cetak rompak a picture that our blogger took! Haha, summore cetak rompak a picture with Ning Baizura inside!
Score one for Bloggers vs MSM!
The Incredible Jeff was so happy to have made such an impact, that he decided to reward himself with a holiday to Saigon! As he says with such erudition, "Itching to claim back the cultured part of me," he decided to get out of that backward and unsophisticated island of Penang to make sure he could still maintain his 1337 aristocratic pwnage!

See lah these uncultured turks, all the tourist traps they put big big, but the heritage all small, small. Penang, your past, you have so easily forgotten, today.

For all he's done, don't you agree that he deserves to take a break in the middle of a parliamentary session? After all, Captain Malaysia Ooi can let Guan Eng do the work instead. As we know, Jeff The Human Torch is the grease that oils the machine, the power behind the Red Bull, the wind in the sails of DAP. Even Guan Eng knows this, which is why, when some 'siao char boh's (Penang kia is Hokkien lang!) accused Jeff of being sexist, Guan Eng knew that he had to be The Fantastic Ooi's spokesperson.
Can you not see it now? Only the truly powerful can get their bosses to do their work for them. And as for these petty women, let's face it, how many old hags don't want to be like the Desperate Housewives, making love to anything with three legs and the thamby who comes to cut the grass? This is not sexist la, you stupid fucking retarded dumbshit cunts. I'm making you fuckwit dumbass pussies look glamourous!

Glamourous! Not like you money laundering bitches of the regime of, yesterday.

Sigh, you wanna know the truth people? W-ooi-verine is in fact, behind all the positive change we've seen of late. Raja Petra getting credibility by being jailed? That's us! Tun Dr Mad Hatter quitting Umno and weakening BN? Us too! Trying to act shocked that Tun has resorted to racism when he's actually a 70% good man? Uhh, actually, that was all Jeff's idea. But, hey, compared to raising petrol prices, not bad, right? Right?

People Who Live In Democratic Countries Say The Darndest Things

2008-04-16T00:02:00.014+08:00

IT HAS BEEN OVER A MONTH SINCE, MY LOVELIES! AND NONE OF US HAVE TURNED INTO WEREWOLVES IN THAT TIME! PROOF, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT BN IS FULL OF LIARS!

No animals were harmed in the making of this girl, in the past month.

Only good things have happened since March 8, my good fellow citizens of a proper democratic country, which has just experienced a birth, a new dawn, puberty and many other mighty metaphors of moving manganese. The air is freer, the water is freer and most importantly, the speech is freer.

One of the underreported benefits of the NEP, for 37 years now.

Ah, don't you just love free speech? Some say, all this liberal democracy is the result of the Age of Enlightenment, where something something, and then, we all became smart.
Obviously, we know this is not true. Not only is it not true because Enlightenment is like such a long word that it is practically meaningless, just like antidisestablishmentarianism, but also because we know that free speech has so much weight. Ia mengandungi isi yang padat, saudara-saudari sekalian.
So how can it be the product of Enlightenment? It's obviously a product of En-heavyen-ment, something that is true, because it is so close to Heaven, and we all know that they say in Heaven love comes first, so we'll make Heaven a place on Earth.
Even the King of the World himself, the man who was known as Elvis the Pelvis, could not escape En-heavyen-ment. Gravity always wins, my dearly abducted.

A whole lot of En-heavy-enment goin' on, when blue suede shoes were still in fashion.

Enlightenment only gave us rational thinking, which is patently rubbish. What has rational thinking ever brought us? It is only with irrational policies like ISA, OSA, keris-waving, name-calling, and juvenile accusations of racism, that we have managed to come to where we are today, a country where Jeff Ooi, ladies and gentlemen, is a YB! We have succeeded, finally, with our powers of free speech, to weigh in and deliver YB Ooi to the rakyat of Penang! This has finally become a reality, all thanks to Malaysians everywhere and their fervent belief in the legacy of En-heavyen-ment which has resulted in free speech spektacularrrrrr.

Ye, betul, Jeff is above the law like 18SG ratings, for the next 5 years.

This is best exhibited, by the sort of free speech that has resulted from an altogether superb irrational policy, the NEP. Immediately after the March 8 elections, the-man-who-wouldn't-want-to-be-but-ended-up-Chief-Minister, Lim Guan Eng, said, "No need-la this NEP all," much to the chagrin of some Malay flers.
I also dunno if actually got a lot of Melayus who were pissed off, but thanks to free speech and En-heavy-enment, we can say that some Malay flers pissed off, therefore, Mr Lim screwed up. After all, Pak Lah himself said so.

"The (Penang) state government must not try to create an atmosphere which can cause racial tensions," our good PM, who is also Penang Umno chief.
Hah, Mr Lim! Heard or not? Bring back the Malay-affirming NEP so there won't be an atmosphere of racial tensions. Non-racial policies only create racial tension, you stupid n00b of a CM.
Pak Lah also said the new state government in Penang should not marginalise the Malays, who are the minority in the state, and other minority groups like the Indians. This can be achieved of course, by ensuring kedaulatan NEP, which somehow ensures the kepentingan of minorities, but also majorities when the state has a larger Malay population. And don't tell me this is illogical. It's already been explained. Logic is a legacy of this rational thinking devilry. So don't listen to logic!

n00b!

We should instead, follow the example of Penang Umno secretary Datuk Azhar Ibrahim who said some impressively illogical things.

1. It will also result in unrest because Malays will face all sorts of hardship.
2. Despite 50 years of Independence (and also affirmative action for Malays), Azhar said the Bumiputera's equity was still lacking by 18.7 per cent. The group has yet to achieve the 30 per cent target.
3. Azhar claimed the DAP, unlike Barisan Nasional, had never supported and encouraged the NEP. Therefore, it begs the question - "They claim to represent the people of all races but are they really doing so?"
4. Since the party had been chosen by the people to lead the state, along with Parti Keadilan Rakyat, they should be responsible for each and everyone's well being, Azhar said. Meaning, not just uhh, Malays? Or Chinese? Ok, I get confused.

Melayu ke Cina?

The point is, irrationality has resulted in free speech, this most precious commodity of democracy dollars - the currency that buys you all the hot air you'll ever need.
Place these statements by the free speaking Umno top guns against the insipid blubbering of Mr Lim, who claims that when Umno protested outside Komtar, they did not hand him a memorandum and then you will realise the power of free speech.

"It is all part of freedom of speech," he rightfully spotted - well done, oh keen-eyed heir to the DAP throne. "However, I am surprised that they
did not give me any memorandum."
See this guy. Has hardly warmed his seat in office and already trying to clamp down on our freedom of speech. Wanna protest must have memo one meh? We all know that we can protest for any reason without having to aim to do anything concrete about it. Protest is enshrined as part of any institutions right to achieve maximum marketing and PR leverage.
That's why Hindraf can protest outside the British High Comm on a Sunday when nobody is there to accept their 'petition'. That's why they can use children to do a man's job.
Sokong Hindraf! Sokong kebebasan bersuara!

Join Hindraf in support of Child Labour, this coming Labour Day.

Want more evidence? Why, you simply have to look at how we've irrationality allowed bollocks in our judiciary to go unaddressed for 20 years! And it's resulted in a cacophony, a symphony, an operatic chorus of free speech in the past few weeks.

Chief Justice Datuk Abdul Hamid Mohamad started it all by urging members of the judiciary to help correct the people's negative perception of the judiciary.
"Every misconduct of any member of the judiciary will tarnish its image. So, I urge all members of the judiciary, irrespective of positions, from the highest to the lowest, to work together in unison to boost public perception of the judiciary," he said.
Spot on la, Yang Arif. Once people perceive it as the most canggun institution in Malaysia, everything will be solved. And how do we make people think that? Well, by practising the same free speech you did, of course! No need to reform, reform la, just talk about reforming cukup.
After all, Najib already said, we're not apologising for the sula of 1988, just paying for the bill, that's all, like the fees for so many of Max Mosley's Nazi whores.
So no need to want to repent, reform, to run from our wicked ways. Just make sure people like how our judiciary looks. Get Judge Dredd or someone like that, and people will start cheering wildly in the streets but not in the courts, because that would be in contempt, the opposite of good perception.

A new form of capital punishment being proposed to reform our judiciary, with immediate effect.

But the final word on free speech, must of course go to the Bob Dylan of Free Speech himself, who used so much free speech that he lost his voice, and had to use free singch instead.
Right after masterminding and being the spearhead - the pointy bit of the spear that hurts the mammoth, in purely unsophisticated caveman terms - of the new dawn of the rebirth of the pubescence of the new Malaysia, YB Jeff wasted no time in slinging his free speech in all directions and using it for the ultimate good - promoting Jeff 4 Malaysia, which if you didn't guess by now, is basically the same as Jeff 4 PM. Pak Lah might be PM now, Najib might be PM-in-waiting, Mahathir the PM-in-retirement, Ku Li the PM-in-his-dreams and Anwar might be PM-out-of-jail, but Jeff is the one and only true 4PM-Time-For-A-Nap.
Now that he's already running Penang as its Chief of Staff ("I decided to accept a job offer from the new Penang Chief Minister to be his Chief-of-Staff... without pay - yes, Brother Jeff! That's the way. You've learnt well. Make it look like you are sacrificing for the people instead of the slut-4-power you are who now wants to busybody with Penang affairs after making the mistake of not running for DUN) he's able to spread all the wonderful propaganda for the furtherance of the Mighty Ooi-mpire that will sweep across this nation like a big penyapu lidi.
This includes the all-powerful practice of posturing with statements like "OK, am I the first blogger in the world who is elected into Parliament through the democratic process? I am feeling the heat now." Excellent! Forget Tony Pua, or even those lowly DUNces (hurh, hurh) like Nik Nazmi or Elizabeth Wong, the only blogger that matters, the only blogger who spits free speech even when he's not actually talking, is Jeff "YB" Ooi.
He represents free speech with his entire being, I tell you, to the point where YB Jeff can actually come up with stuff like "he asked me if I realised what JEFF could mean for my political belief. It's Justice, Equality, Fairness and Freedom, he said. (Gee, I didn't realise that!)"
Another beautiful setpiece by the one and only YB Jeff. Yes, let some poor imaginary imaginationless fart do the talking for you and then blog about it like you're so heartened by the rakyat's support. Awesome, it brings a tear to my spin-doctoring eye.

YB Jeff has learnt that one shouldn't just spend every waking minute fantasising about the kind of megalomaniacal acronyms our names could be. Sometimes, if you think of some sentimental crap, it'll help people sympathise, emphatise or downright pity you. After all, we don't want people to know that we have wet dreams with our eyes open, i.e., jerking off.

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOLOLO

2008-03-09T12:20:00.013+08:00

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING READERS. THIS POST WILL BE ENTIRELY IN CAPS IN ORDER TO CELEBRATE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND IN THE LIFE OF OUR NATION. I AM USING CAPS BECAUSE MY SUPER MENTOR MAN, JEFF 'YB' OOI, HAS REQUESTED THAT WE STAY CALM, STAY COOL AND STAY HOME, WHILE OTHERS HAVE REQUESTED 'ZERO CELEBRATIONS'. SO THIS WILL BE THE EXTENT OF MY VISIBLE JOY.

THE IMAGE OF MY SILENT JUBILEE IS UNAVAILABLE BECAUSE IT IS SILENT, CURRENTLY.

BUT IT HAS HAPPENED, MY SWEETIES: THANKS TO MY AMAZING AND FULLY PATENTED STRATEGIC INITIATIVE, NOT ONLY HAS JEFF OOI WON AN IMMENSE VICTORY IN JELUTONG, BUT THE OPPOSITION ITSELF HAS TAKEN FIVE STATES (INCLUDING MY OWN HOME STATE OF SELANGOR!!!) AND HAS SHATTERED BN'S TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY IN PARLIAMENT. KING SAMY HAS FALLEN! WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW OVERJOYED I AM, BUT I'M USING THEM ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU IDIOTS CAN ONLY READ WORDS.

COME, LET'S PLAY A GAME OF 'SPOT THE SAMY'... IS HE HERE? IS HE THERE? OH WHERE MIGHT HE BE HIDING? WHERE IN PARLIAMENT IS SAMY? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: IT'S A TRICK QUESTION...

THE POWER OF MY UNDERDOG'S STRATEGY WAS SUCH THAT NOT ONLY DID THE MALAYSIAN OPPOSITION MAKE A KILLING AT THE POLLS, BUT BARNSLEY KICKED CHELSEA OUT OF THE FA CUP, PORTSMOUTH DID THE SAME TO MANCHESTER UNITED, SCOTLAND BEAT ENGLAND IN THE SIX-NATIONS AND OBAMA BEAT CLINTON IN WYOMING!!! WAIT... IS BARACK CURRENTLY THE UNDERDOG? OR IS IT HILLARY? OH YEAH, I'M RIGHT, IT'S BARACK...HILLARY WAS LAST WEEK'S UNDERDOG. ANYWAY, THERE YOU GO - TRULY WE CAN LOOK UP AT THE SKY THIS NIGHT AND SEE NOT THE DOG STAR SHINING BENEVOLENTLY DOWN ON US, BUT THE UNDERDOG STAR.

SPEED OF LIGHTNING! ROAR OF THUNDER! FIGHTING ALL WHO ROB AND PLUNDER!

THE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE WITH A HAPPY ENDING OF A CALIBRE THAT NOT EVEN THE MOST SKILLED CHINESE MASSEUSE CAN PROVIDE. JEFF LOST HIS VOICE, AND ON MY ADVICE ROCKED UP TO A RALLY WITH HIS GUITAR AND SANG INSTEAD, BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW SINGING DOESN'T REQUIRE A VOICE, WHEREAS TALKING DOES. JEFF SANG, AND THE BOSS (AKA 'THE PEOPLE') SPOKE BACK WITH A RESOUNDING "YES, JEFF, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD NOW THAT WE WILL EVEN VOTE FOR AN ABSOLUTE AND UTTER CRETIN LIKE YOU BEFORE WE VOTE FOR THE OTHER GUY!!!" IT TRULY IS A GLORIOUS DAY FOR LESSER EVILS. IT WAS ALSO A GOOD ONE FOR TORRENTS OF NAUSEATINGLY PURPLE BULLSHIT SPOUTED BY POMPOUS HUMAN FOGHORNS.

IN THIS TIME OF HAPPINESS I WOULD LIKE TO CALL ON ALL OF US TO PAR-TAY LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW, AND TRY TO FORGET FOR NOW THAT SOME OF THE OPPOSITION PARTIES THAT HAVE DONE WELL ALSO STRONGLY SUPPORT RACIALLY CHARGED AND ANTI-PROGRESSIVE CAUSES. AND I WOULD LIKE IN THIS MOMENT TO THANK OUR PRIME MINISTER ABDULLAH AHMAD BADAWI FOR MAKING THIS VICTORY POSSIBLE, BY LOOSENING THE SHACKLES PLACED UPON US BY HIS PREDECESSOR THE MIGHTY TUN DR. PHD MAHATHIR, FOR CLEANING UP THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION, AND FOR SAYING THE OBVIOUS THING ABOUT DEMOCRACY THAT MALAYSIAN POLITICIANS HAVE FAILED TO SAY FOR YEARS - THAT IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE, AND THAT OUR DECISION IS FINAL. HAHAHAHA, WHAT AN IDIOT!!! AND SLEEPY TOO!!! COME, FRIENDS, LET US ALL LAUGH AT HIM. LET US TALK AS THOUGH MAHATHIR WAS ACTUALLY BETTER, RATHER THAN JUST LUCKY AS FUCK, AND LET'S PRETEND TO TAKE THAT SENILE OLD RACIST TYRANT SERIOUSLY WHEN HE SAYS THAT HE BELIEVES MALAYSIA NEEDS A STRONG OPPOSITION. HURRAY FOR THE ABILITY TO FORGET THE PAST AND HOLD CONFLICTING VIEWPOINTS!!! DOUBLETHINK ROCKS.

SENYUM BUAT APA? SIAPA SURUH YOU PERCAYA SANGAT PADA DEMOKRASI? PADAN MUKA!

WAH, HEMSEMNYE...INILAH BARU MUKA ORANG PANDAI, YANG TAHU MACAM MANA NAK SUBJUGATE ORANG RAMAI BUAT BERPULUH TAHUN. TENGOK SEKARANG, HASIL KERJA KERASNYA SEMUA DAH HANCUR BERKECAI, SEBAB SI ANU YANG GAMBARNYA KAT ATAS TU.

BUT NOT TOO MUCH CELEBRATIONS NOW. STAY INDOORS. STOCK UP ON FOOD. BEWARE THE BOOJUM. AFTER GOT RIOT MEANS HABIS. INSTEAD SING THIS SONG IN YOUR HEART AND THINK OF THOSE HAPPY LION CUBS:

BORN FREE / AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS

AS FREE AS THE GRASS GROWS

BORN FREE TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART

LIVE FREE / AND BEAUTY SURROUNDS YOU

THE WORLD STILL ASTOUNDS YOU

EACH TIME YOU LOOK AT THE STARS
STAY FREE / WHERE NO WALLS DIVIDE YOU

YOU'RE FREE AS THE ROARING TIDE

SO THERE'S NO NEED TO HIDE
BORN FREE / AND LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

BUT ONLY WORTH LIVING

'COS YOU'RE BORN FREE!

Jeff, Why Can't You Let Me Work My Magic In Peace?!

2008-03-04T21:53:00.009+08:00

Sometimes, working for Jeff can be a very difficult thing, my dear dumplings. Just today I woke up and in passing I just so happened to look up Jeff's special Parliament blog, and what did I find there but an absolute strategic catastrophe. And this happened over two weeks ago! I can't believe I didn't notice it earlier. Basically, my man Jeff 'By The Power Of Grayskull' Ooi has revealed to the world what our secret weapons are - SMS campaigns and the Internet. What am I going to do now? We were relying on the fact that the Internet and SMS services are our little secrets, but now the whole world knows about them! Jeff just went and gave it all away! Needless to say, I gave him a stern talking-to today. "I can't run this campaign for you, Jeff, if you don't run everything you say by me before you say it. Now everybody knows about the Internet! Go, go away and leave me be, I must re-strategise."

Jeff Ooi, after I'd given him a piece of my mind.

That said, I was very pleased with some of the other things Jeff said in the article. For example, he mentioned that his contribution to the DAP campaign was "a five-figure sum". This is a trick I personally taught him, drawn from my deep knowledge of mathematics. You see, nowhere in Newton's or Cantor's laws does it say that the digits behind a decimal point must be left out when determining the number of figures in a sum. So, for example, rather than tell someone I donated RM5.25, I can tell them I donated a 'three-figure sum'. Furthermore, you are technically allowed to add as many zeroes as you wish behind a decimal point, so I can keep doing this forever, depending on how impressive I wish to be; for example, I could call my donation RM5.250000 instead, which would be a 'seven-figure sum'. I often do this when chatting up women at bars. Seven figures is about right, any more than that and it's too big and intimidating for them.

Is that a seven-figure sum I see in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, right now?

Also, I noticed that Jeff did exactly as I taught him, in putting up a small and barely readable scan of the article on his blog, even though there's a perfectly legible online version available. The reason for this is that, as bloggers, Jeff and I both know that nobody takes text on the Internet seriously. We bloggers are sort of jokes, really, with about as much credibility as Najib Tun Razak, Scientology or Wikipedia. Instead, stuff has to be printed before people can take it seriously. So when people look at the online version of an article about Jeff, they will think, "Cheh, like don't know what only. We weren't fooled by Wikipedia, how can we ever be fooled by this?"; but if they see a scanned image of that same article, they will think "Wah, this man has been featured in a printed publication! I will now vote for him." It doesn't even matter what Jeff says in the article, which is why I told him to make sure it's blurred. In fact, it's better blurred, because most of the time when Jeff says things they're so stupid that the skulls of the people who hear them just explode. And that's not good, because people with exploded skulls can't vote.

Jeff wuz ere, recently.

So, despite Jeff's numerous fumbles and stumbles, I soldier on. We will not give up. Only three days to go now. Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Laying down the Hatch for Elections II

2008-03-01T14:10:00.013+08:00

Ahoy-hoy, me hearties!

Well, here I am again to fulfill, as promised, your deep, damp, burning desire for insights into the world of politics. Been there, done that, Ladies & Gs, and here I am to bring the results to you, my devoted audience. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am now Chief Political Strategist, Campaign Coordinator, Web Advisor and High Admiral in Jeff 'Kiss me quick' Ooi's campaign to become the Member of Parliament for Jelutong. This kind of brief requires military leves of preparedness and planning, and I have risen to the task like the proverbial porn star's cock. And the Big Jeffuna has given me permission to reproduce here my unique and superior Four-Step Strategy To Slam Dunking The Pilihan Raya, for my readers' eyes only. Patent pending, folks...so don't get any big ideas - they're not going to happen. You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking.

uno) Book

After settling into my new workspace in Jeff's campaign headquarters, which I have dubbed the Oval Office (the interns call it the Oral Office, wink wink), the first thing I asked Jeff was, "When are you publishing your book?"

To which he replied, "Book? What book?"

To which I replied, "Brother...you must publish a book, how else are you going to win? People think of you as a sage, a prophet. You must put down all your teachings in a single resource for them to quote at their relatives over dinner. Obama did it, now you must too."

"Aiyah," he said, "I haven't the time for to writing."

"No no no... don't write it now... use stuff that you've already written. The important thing is you have to get this book out before the campaign period is over."

"Oh I see...well, I have writing one column in Malaysian Business, but ah...I embarrass in saying lah, but ah...actually, to write that column I just take sentences from Business Times and Time and mix them all up randomly using one program I download from Internet. Then I use one different program to mess up the grammar, so nobody will suspect."

"Doesn't matter, brother," I quickly reassured him, "Just faster compile them into one book and find one joker to print it. Nobody can take you seriously unless you have hit the printed page, come on, as bloggers we all know this. And make sure to use the foreword to imply what a good leader you are, and dedicate the book to the people of Penang. Actually, no... make that the Penang Diaspora - when in doubt, use big words you don't fully comprehend; nobody else really understands them either, so you'll be fine. You must not miss this opportunity for maximum bodeking and self-glorification. In fact, don't just say that you're a good leader, imply that you're a...a thought leader. Yes, yes...and say that Malaysia too must be the thought leader of the world - no, wait! Say that Malaysia must lead in thought leadership! That way you use the word 'lead' twice! Also say something about the economy, because the economy makes food and people like food. Oh wait, no- don't say the economy, say the Knowledge Economy! That covers food and brain things! My gosh, am I on a fucking roll or what?!" I turned to him, excitement burning in my eyes.

"Uh...but what the Knowledge Economy means?", asked Jeff.

"Aiyoh, why're you worried about the details? Let me worry about the details, brother. You just remember to use the words 'thought' and knowledge' and 'leader' and 'leadership' as much as you possibly can. That way people will think that you know what you're talking about."

Here we come, NY Times Bestseller List! Watch out, Dan Brown, you are about to get SERVED, in the immediate future.

dos) Don't Commit to Anything Specific a.k.a. The 'Egg' Stratagem

I pointed out to Jeff that nine years ago his rival, Koh Tsu Koon, made the foolishly specific promise that Penang would be at the level of Singapore in 10 years time. And look at Penang today - still with only one bridge, still without legalised prostitution and people still haven't learned to drive. So I instructed Jeff to attack this ridiculous promise while at the same time never providing any equivalent promises of his own. See, ol' Mr. Koh made a big mistake when he just mouthed off in the attempt to get votes - the cardinal rule of mouthing off to get votes is, don't ever be specific! So while I got Jeff to use his insider knowledge of the IT industry to pinpoint businesses that are leaving Penang, and even taught him to take down the illogical figures put forward by his opponents, through the whole thing I made sure that he never replied with any actual policies or plans. This is a commonly used tactic of the Malaysian opposition, who without fail campaign on the platform that if elected they will not be BN. In today's world, I told Jeff, nobody who knows anything still believes in positive campaigning and positive politics. You need to be negative all the way. I knew I'd succeeded in educating Jeff on this crucial point when I heard him say this in an interview with his best pal Tan Sri Rocky bin Allahyarham Hj. Bru:

It’s an ageing constituency as only 15.7 per cent of the people are below 35 years old. Jelutong has been punished by BN while it was in opposition hands. It needs to catch up with development and better quality of life. Bread and butter issues reign high. There are strong ill feelings against inequitable distribution of national wealth. Now that the cost of living has gone up, unhappiness is fermenting.

Isn't that just awesome? Aren't you in awe? Look at that - he can quote a statistic, attack the government (without proposing any solutions to the mess they've made), use key words like 'unhappiness', 'inequitable' and 'distribution', name drop the economy with food-related terms such as 'bread', 'butter' and 'fermenting', and through the whole thing he manages to say nothing at all, and reproduce only the most banal, safe and non-committal political platitudes that we as Malaysians have loved listening to for the last 50 years! I keep telling Jeff, don't submit any projections about the economy, and if you have to use figures make sure to be vague and confusing; which is why, thus far, the only other statistic he has used in his campaign is this one, also found in that same seminal interview with The Rock(y):

Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Amazing! Does this man know his shit or what?! See, in one fell swoop he has counseled caution regarding predictions of the future, and yet he has also hinted at what that future might be, but without committing, so that he can change direction at the last second! Is he promising one egg? Or many? If it's one, why will we need to count it? Does counting to one actually qualify as counting? And if he's saying it'll be one egg, doesn't that mean that he has already counted the egg? The mind boggles, and the electorate will be kept occupied, pondering the actual meaning of this statement for a long time before they notice that the dust has settled and what has hatched from Jeff is not an egg at all but in fact a piece of shit. Genius. I was so pleased with this quote of Jeff's that I've decided it should be the campaign slogan, which it now is. At one point Jeff did ask me, "But brother, what happen after if we winning electorate, I have no ideas about future action as MP?" And I said to him, "Jeff, my dear, pure-hearted friend, do you really think anyone in this country has any idea what they'll do after they're elected to public office?"

How many eggs are there here? This very scientific diagram is proof of Jeff's commitment to counting eggs only, after the elections.

tres) Start a Donation Drive to Make It Seem as Though Your Campaign Has a Point

I did think, however, that we could potentially face a problem from members of the public who notice that Jeff isn't actually laying out any kind of strategy to correct the problems of the nation, so I came up with, if you don't mind me saying so myself, an astoundingly brilliant gimmick. See, we all know that BN has shitloads of money to throw at campaigns, whereas the opposition are all a bunch of paupers living out of prime bungalows in USJ, right? So why not start a donation drive, with a target amount that Jeff claims to want to raise for his campaign? Basically, with a high-yet-feasible amount (after careful calculations I elected to go with RM100,000), people will be distracted into thinking that Jeff's campaign is actually fighting towards something tangible. We all know that for Malaysians the most tangible thing in the world is cash - oh so cold, oh so hard, and oh so tangible. This campaign fund idea has been a roaring success, with Jeff tagging a reminder about it onto each and every one of his posts to distract people from the general vacuity of everything he says. So if some naysayer comes along and naysays, "What are you actually going to do about the situation in Penang, Jeff... what kind of policy approach will you be taking?", Jeff can reply "I have raised close to RM100,000! We are in a fight, a race to reach RM100,000! Help me raise RM100,000!" I even managed to tie in the Book element of my strategy to this campaign fund, by getting Jeff to offer a copy of his book to everyone who donates! Which solves the problem of actually selling the damned thing, thank heavens. However, perhaps my success with this strategy has been a little too scintillating - the campaign kitty has already breached the RM100,000 mark . "What will we do now that you've gotten there prematurely?" is a question Jeff has heard many times before from his wife, although on this occasion it was myself asking it. Of course, in both situations the question was purely rhetorical, because in both cases the solution was clearly not something Jeff could provide. Curiously, the solution-provider in both cases also happened to be me. Small world, eh? Anyway, we've hit RM100,000, so now what? Well, I won't say anything, except that there's a reason why the electoral commission allows us RM200,000 in total. ;-)

What's that you ask? Is Jeff actually fit for government, or for anything else besides being a steaming turd? Now now, sit down and I'll address your concerns. No, I insist - sit. Hey, look what I found! What a pretty picture! Look! Okay, now stare at it... stare at it... staaaare at it... You are growing veryyyy sleeeeepeeee.... you will falll into a deeeep sleeeeeeeep.... veryyyy.... shooooortly....

catorce!) Rally the Bloggers!

Lastly but not leastly, we have to remember the people who made Jeff what he is today: the legions of Malaysian bloggers. Yes, my pretty, you and I - it is we who are responsible for Jeff's ascendance and his amazing ability to take on the political process despite being unable to coherently lead an argument, let alone a constituency. Thus, I considered it crucial that Jeff make it clear to his fellow bloggers, a race that we all know to be superior to all other Malaysians, that there ought to be a member of our hallowed bloodline in a position of authority. It's a simple political tactic - feed on people's sense of superiority and make them think that what they are is somehow relevant to being a good leader in and of itself, and that hence they must vote one of themselves into power. It's sort of like a stamp-collector deciding to run for parliament on the basis that stamp-collectors are superior human beings and hence must lead the rest. It doesn't matter if stamp-collecting, like blogging, is largely irrelevant to leadership. What does matter is that one of us is in power, rather than one of them.

Now that's what I'm talking about! Get a blogger into Parliament, before those damned cricket umpires and Magic: The Gathering players get one of their own in there, in 6 days' time.

So there you have it, my lovely disciples - through this strategy of my devising, I believe Jeff cannot possibly lose this election. But we must work hard, and stick out our necks for Malaysia. Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Laying down the Hatch for Elections

2008-02-29T11:19:00.031+08:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, your Favourite is back.

Some may have wondered (while laying between the sheets craving a firm yet gentle touch) where on earth I'd disappeared to for the past two months. Wondered and yearned. Well, my darlings, I have been hard at work. In January I was approached to undertake a very important project to safeguard the very future of this nation, and obviously I had to turn my attention there, leaving my blog unattended.

In the time I've been away, much has been rumbling in the tumbly of our nation - parliament was dissolved and elections are nigh, a time of great joy for flag and poster manufacturers. This is in keeping with the tradition of the Pilihanraya, which were set up by our nation's founders in order to provide employment and sustenance for those in the flag and poster business. Plus, in addition to all this wonderful business stimulation, the people get to have a big party too, and pretend as though they actually have some kind of real choice, that it isn't just a choice between two evils. They get to believe that their nation belongs to them and that it actually is a democracy!

Democracy!, circa 2000

I myself am no outsider to the democratic process, and I personally believe that any Malaysians who do not vote are wasting their lives AND being irresponsible. Yup, it doesn't really matter if you think you have the right not to vote (haha, you think you have rights), or if your choice is between a power-crazed moron with a compulsive corruption disorder on the one hand and a power-starved moron with a superhero complex on the other - you still gotta fight / for your right / to party! What I mean is, of course, that you gotta fight for the politicians' right to party, but same-same lah, ok? I mean, at least somebody gets to party. Would you rather nobody at all be partying? Are you that mean-spirited?

JOM KITA BERPESTA, minggu depan.

In that sense, this year's elections will be a bit different for me, in that I have finally made the transition from the side of the partied-upon to the side of the partiers-upon. For in late December I was approached by one of Malaysia's most exciting political upstarts and offered a prominent position in his campaign force. Initially a rumour that this offer would be made came to me through my Little Earthworms, who said to me that "from an oriental pearl would emerge J for Jendetta who would seek a D for Didekick in his quest to save V for Valaysia." My Earthworms always talk like that, what to do. At first I greeted their news with skepticism, but then I received a phone call.

"My boy," this great hero of mine said to me, "Think not what your country can do for you, think what your country can do for me. And while you're at it, think about what you can do for me too."

Immediately I accepted. And now I can reveal to you, boys and girls and ladyboys, the identity of this sexilicious Knowledge-Economist (or Knowledgeconomist) for whom I am acting as Campaign Coordinator, Chief Political Strategist, Web Advisor and High Admiral - it is none other than the Malaysia's Bapa Pemblogan, Jeff 'I am not a crook' Ooi!

These fine gentlemen are 'not' 'crooks' either, nor have they been, ever.

Yes, it's been an exciting couple of months, my minions. Jeff was named the candidate for Jelutong, running against no less that Koh Tsu Koon, who is very important, they tell me. I moved into my office in Jeff's new campaign headquarters, and since then I have been constantly at Jeff's side, making coffee and answering all his crucial questions on the campaign, many of which he himself had neglected to ask. I have been yelling at the interns that I haven't been cigaring, and drawing lots of flow charts, using words like 'diaspora' and 'technopreneurship'. Thrilling times, my babes, thrilling times - but they are about to get even thrillier. For in the next two days, exclusively for my sweet, voluptuous readers, I expect to receive clearance from my Big Boss Ooi to release the top-secret quadruple-prong strategy around which I have shaped his campaign. You will be able to experience my genius at close quarters, and you will also learn why I am ending this post with the words: Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Jesus Christ Plays Santa Claus This Christmas

2008-01-03T22:57:00.000+08:00

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 drunkards drinking...

Oh, hello there and thank you for coming to Daft Oi 2008, otherwise known as DO08 (pronounced doob, you noob). This is of course, different from 8==D, which is something Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later.

Type in 8==D into Google Image search and you get that. Just shows that 1337 h4xx0rs can definitely get the most w00t babes, in the blink of an eye, or the typing of a search term in Google.

It's been yet another earth-shattering, balls-shaking, knee-quaking, suicide-bombing end to the year. It seems to be developing into a pattern that at the end of every year, the world would be smote by the Almighty.
There could be any number of reasons for this. Al Gore thinks it's all those greenhouse gasses causing climate change. Osama bin Laden thinks it's US imperialism. Jeff Ooi thinks it's Datuk Kalimullah Hassan. But we all know that the truth is that it's because the world has become a veritable Sodom & Gomorrah of epic proportions, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. Patience, yo.

All of them are wrong, all of them have stupid cults backing them but only Jeff Ooi thinks some Muslim fellah is the problem. Typical redneck, should go for political correctness training, today.

In 2004, we had the Indian Ocean Tsunami which pwned all our asses, especially the Acehne-asses. In 2005, on Dec 31, another second was added, 23:59:60, called a leap second, causing confusion amongst New Year's Eve revellers, as champagne bottles were opened one second too early, illicit kisses made one second too early, and one second came one second too late.
In Dec 2006, The Baiji, which is not a rare form of South Asian, but the Chinese River Dolphin native and aboriginal to the Yangtze River, was declared extinct, and in 2007, well, all your Benazir Bhutto are belong to Al-Qaeda, or the Taliban, or the Mahsud. Whoever. What does it matter who was involved, anyway? The important thing is who was the victim, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. Why do you guys keep bringing him up at the wrong time?

R.I.P, 4EVA.

All this is because we've become a world saturated with immorality and I don't think I need to name the sort of evils we've been involved in. Fixed elections, child prostitution, genocide, double stuff Oreos and most evil of all, the killing of Santa Claus in 2006. Yes, you evil and perverse generation, you killed a Saint. Saint Nickel Arse. It's one thing to make fun of a fat guy's name, it's another to kill him entirely... or catch him having sex with a hidden camera, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. You guys, hang on okay? I'll get to that... sheesh!

Santa, in better days.

On December 30, 2006, a man known popularly as Sad Damn Who's Sane was executed by hanging but from picture evidence (compare above and below, tell me that's not the same man!), we knew it was actually Christmas' Man of the Hour. The One and Only True Bearer of Justice in the world.
And when we killed him, we unleashed a terrible curse upon all mankind.

Only he knew, who was naughty or nice, on Christmas Day.

Jesus Christ, who had for centuries been the figurehead of Christmas, grew tired of the pointlessness of it all and handed the job to trusted bishops here on earth. For nearly 17 centuries, the man we've come to know as Santa Claus had done his job with much generosity and 'tutup satu mata'-ness until we caught him and killed him, in the name of democracy, liberation and oil. Blood for Oil! Woe is us and the US too!
Now you know why this madman of a dictator was mass murdering, initiating genocide and starting a magical invisible and disappearing nuclear arms program. It was to punish naughty children around the world. Did you think he was actually interested in murdering ADULT Kurds? No, it was all about those little bastard Kurds!

Kurd bitches have been naughty and need to be punished, tonight!

But now, we've awakened the way, the truth and the life, the man who pwned Death itself with his 1337 2d20+∞ healing powers. We've brought back to the world, none other than Jesus Christ. And he's not happy at being forced to downgrade himself from Chief Executive Officer of Heaven to Delivery Boy - Christmas Department. And that's why he's been raining brimstone and skyrocketing oil prices on your crazy cracker asses.

Another kind of brimstone, yesterday.

But you say, this makes no sense. If Santa Claus died in 2006, how did Jesus cause the devastation of the 2004 Tsunami?
Well, it's because he's like, God, isn't it? And he lives like, in this thing called eternity? It means time has no meaning for him. So, if he likes, knows you're gonna be a bad ass sonofabitch in 2006, he can punish you in 2004. It's called preemptive strike. Where do you think the bloody nonexistent people in the nonexistent country of Israel got the idea from? They stole it from the baby Jesus 2000 years ago. America was just copying this great idea and trying to play God, like they always do, just like how DVD sellers in Johor Bahru were making copies of a sex video as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. SERIOUSLY, you guys! Wait for it. Let me finish with all this first.

Well this time, they played God one step too far. With Santa @ Sad Damn gone and Jesus in a grumpy mood, 2007 was a horrific and cataclysmic year. Jesus put everyone of in his naughty list.
All my peeps East side, how do you like them monsoon rains, huh? Now you know what done happened to Atlantis, isn't it? They pissed off Jesus.

Lost to humans forever, Atlantis is now the domain of strange and mythical creatures such as Spongebob Squarepants, as seen here in an artist's depiction, dated 2006, around the time Santa Claus died.

Just like the Hulk, you won't like Jesus when he's pissed off. He was so pissed off with Benazir Bhutto being corrupt, and that Pakistani President/Commander-in-Chief/GI(General of Islam)-Joe Pervert Musharraf had given her corrupt ass amnesty, he decided not only that Benazir Bhutto would not lead her party to victory in the Pakistani elections, but that she would not even have a quick death.
Instead of simply being shot through her pottu which would've resulted in instant death - or the pottu she would've had if she wasn't such a bloody liberal Muslims, which would've been an easy target to aim at - she was shot three times in various spots on her body, giving rise to her new nickname, Nearly 17 Cents or Just Over 10 Rupees, because just like the guy who talks with a slur and somehow has sold over 20 million albums, she too survived after sustaining multiple gunshot wounds.

I know I'm a hawt, hawt shawty, but you gotta slow down, please don't shoot me.

Benazir then suffered the shock from the blast of a suicide bomber which killed 20 people around her, and so must've definitely hurt her too. And after all that pain, finally Jesus made sure that after the slow and painful death, it would also be a humiliating death. You know it was Jesus, because it was so bizarre and improbable, only Jesus could've done it with his mutant powers.
The Interior Ministry of Pakistan stated that "Bhutto was killed when she tried to duck back into the vehicle, and the shock waves from the blast knocked her head into a lever attached to the sunroof, fracturing her skull." Now, try and tell me that wasn't the miraculous power of Jesus.

On the local front, Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs was caught on video having sex with a woman other than his wife. Haha, well, guess for all of us good Malaysians, Jesus put us on his nice list and gave us all a good laugh and some gossip this Christmas.

So, the point is... what? You want more on Chua? Enoughla? What do you mean I built up all the anticipation earlier? I did no such thing, get off my back! I'm not an unknown woman in a sex video!

The point is, ok, that God is fair! Jesus' reign as Lord High Ruler of Christmas has been as just as Santa Claus'. Even if there was a lot of sorrow and grief for us sinners this Christmas, he at least gave us some comic relief as we could all go and back half-funny jokes about the 'health' of our minister and whether he had access to viagra and bla bla bla.
So thank your lucky stars for that. Thank the Moon Goddess that if you're cheating on your wife, you're not a high-ranking politician in the MCA who might just become deputy president soon. Thank Amon-Ra that if you're black, you can sing very well and run very fast. Thank Parameswara that if you're Malay, you get Bumiputera privileges. And thank Buddha if you're not Malay.

Sébastien Loeb, Eat Your Heart Out!

2007-12-03T21:36:00.000+08:00

Wah, what a happening month it's been for the rakyat! That's us! You, me, him, her, Uncle Sellamuthu even. Power to the people!
If for years and in fact, months, you've been thinking, "I am just one person, what can I do?" then you're a stupid bugger. Don't you know, you have the power? The power, which has been described in the last paragraph, to be given to the people! Hence, power to the people!
People power, to paraphrase powerfully, was exhibited during two rallies in the past few weeks where people gathered against dirtiness and farts, although, we're not sure if it qualifies as a draft. A breeze perhaps, but certainly, we are sure everyone will agree, some wind is involved.

Drafts collected by these contraptions generally tend to come from the front, during the windy seasons.

But do you know what was really so powerful about these rallies? That even a few of us can be considered thousands! And then tens of thousands. And then hundreds of thousands! It's amazing how just one person can suddenly multiply so long as he's wearing the same colour t-shirt as some strangers standing next to him.
This phenomenon was first uncovered, in the Shots which are aimed directly at Screens, where Jeff "Life's Good" Ooi reported that 40,000 beings had assembled to do some gotong-royong or something. This was the picture he posted to cement his estimate:

One, two, buckle my shoe, three, four, a hundred more.

As a result of such wonderful arithmetic skills, one of the most bizarre headcount gymnastics since the Super Bowl claimed to be watched by one billion people - yes, we're all that interested in guys dropping handkerchiefs - resulted. It was the police who came out of their helicopters and said, "Empat ribu, boss."
But the organisers of the rally, plus their media machines - which are more like little Lego machines - said 40,000! This, confusingly, came despite the Malaysia Of This Very Present Moment first reporting an expected turnout of 10,000. So the police and the rather perplexed government said, "Ok, 8,000 got-la."
Since it worked once, they thought they'd try it again - Harakah then went ahead with 100,000! So Pak Lah said, "Fine, fine 10 Gs, niggah!"

The result of which is that meanwhile, armed with this new form of chaos math, Potshots is pleased to announce new findings for the year 2008. In the year 2008, we will have general elections in this country, and there will be 16,000 parliamentary seats to be contested. This is based on the following photographic evidence:

Fulemak, riot on the back of your 50 sen coin, from decades ago.

Meaning that the rakyat has even more power now. Now more of us can get fat allowances and build houses illegally in some bumfuck nowhere corner of the country! Power to the rakyat!
Not only that, we're also sure to see even more havoc jams in the city, as the number of cars on the road are expected to exceed the 546 million mark, as evidenced from this picture:

Picture taken from actual hovercraft prototype that will become necessary due to extreme traffic conditions, next year.

But the best news of all is that the leatherback turtle will be making its long-awaited comeback. At least two members of the famed species have decided on a reunion tour and were photographed shaking, uhh, flippers on the deal. You know what that means, right? 23,685 leatherback turtles to be spotted off the coast of Terengganu in the year 2008!

We is back, punks!

Similarly, the Hindraf rally also drew numbers ranging from 5,000 all the way to 30,000. But why did it simply stop at 30,000? We at Potshots have been using all our analytical skills to figure this out, sacrificing countless winning positions in games of Scrabulous and bottlecaps but in the end, it was all worth it.
Not just because we found the answer, but because sympathetic Jill Civics were on hand to give us massages.

And so, subdividing the matrix of them Hindians by the differential vectors of last Nov 10...

The answer is Anwar Ibrahim. Yes, quite simply that. Although if you wanted to complicate things a bit, you could add Datuk Seri, or FudgePacker or Stupid Facial Hair Dude.
The key to any successful rally or event is to have Anwar. Without Anwar, you will never get the exaggerated figures or picture you deserve. Here is a man who Al-Jazeera fawned over as if he were their very own brother from a different mother.
Without his support, his charisma, his ability to appear out of nowhere and take credit for everything, Hindraf's ridiculous religious and racial requests were rejected outright.

One million pounds? That's too much-la.

You see, Anwar can talk shop about say... RM3.2 billion but definitely not about RM28 trillion. That's just crazy money! It'll make Ananda Krishna look like a stingy, penny-pinching Scrooge. Oh, wait.

Ananda says, "Oh, My Gandhi! That's a lot of money!"

This is why I made great pains to invite Anwar to my daughter's birthday party. If not, how will I ever be able to boast of having given my daughter the biggest birthday party amongst all of her friends? How will I ever ensure that we can all say that other birthday parties are rigged? How will I ever get my daughter's birthday mentioned on Al-Jazeera?

The problem is however, that I am still on the wrong side of the law here. No, not because I am in cahoots with a known sodomiser. It is because it'll still be an illegal gathering. Nowadays, it's so hard to get a police permit for such simple things as gathering in front of the palace and bringing the nation to its knees that I'm sure my daughter's birthday party will definitely be disrupted by tear gas and chemically-laced water cannons.

Another sort of chemical water cannon, yesterday.

And so, in this rapturous spirit of people power, I have decided once and for all, to ensure that this whole idea of applying for permits is abolished! Yes, dimansuhkan!
We'll use the great opposition tactic of holding a rally to achieve this. And therefore I will be setting up a movement soon, with the support of 356,767 NGOs, as evidenced by a picture of 13 NGOs.
I will apply for a police permit to hold a gathering calling for the end of permits to hold gatherings, otherwise known as GAGA. I intend to have 30,000,000 people at my rally which will be held across Malaysia! I will use pictures of people just going about their own business as evidence that everyone in Malaysia has participated and as one nation, we are all petitioning against this permit stuff. Maybe, if we have time, we'll even get some FRU guys to tear gas us but most importantly, we'll get Anwar on Al-Jazeera!

Daft For Malaysia, Because He Doesn't Use Dumb Abbreviations

2007-09-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

It's the most wonderful time, that only comes once in several years. The campaigning, the balloting, the polls, the fights, the glory, the tears, the endless hours of sitting in front of the TV, the corruption, the cheating.
It's the Euro 2008! And as many of us post-colonial Anglophiliacs will know, England have strolled to five exact 3-0 wins, courtesy of several goals by the insurance company's nightmare, Michael Owen.
Incidentally, the government looks set to be calling for elections soon too. As it guarantees what can only be described as a fair fight - due to the fact that they will lock me up under the Internal Stupid Act if I describe it otherwise - many hopefuls are throwing their hats into the ring. Who knows at this point, what sort of ring it'll be. But be it a circus ring, an engagement ring, or the much feared Nurburgring, we're in for some dazzling entertainment.

Whether our next elections can match the thrills and spills of one of the most feared racetracks around is anyone's guess, but what we know for sure, is that Michael Owen will get injured again, just like before.

For the likes of the one, the only, the man who does not wear hats and therefore cannot throw it into any sort of ring but should certainly be wearing some sort of mask, Jeff 4 Malaysia, is putting his name up to be crossed out by willing citizens - by an axis of friends, families and really bored people who actually layan his V for Vendetta schpeel earlier this year.

See here for more on Jeff for Jendetta posted, 19 months ago.

Having recognised how tenuous this link was but not realising the alliteration behind it, Jeff has decided to now be Jeff 4 Malaysia, because Malaysia is just a Jalaysia with an M, jisn't jit?
Fancy wordplay aside of salad, it has become obvious that there is a need to represent Malaysia's most wronged against race. The magical, fairielike - notice the spelling fairie, as to denote mythical folk of incredible power, not fairy, which is either kinky or blue and maxes out her daddy's credit card, or some gaylord - race of bloggers.

A fairy, another fairy and something that claims to be a fire angel, some time ago when they were MFEO. *sob*

But because we're so powerful and magical - see previous post for further literature on this - we needed someone who could be trusted to be humble and wise about this. So we turned to Kenny Sia, a man so funny (but also gay like the other sort of fairy) that he is easily the funniest man alive in his room, if not his house.
And Kenny Sia, after wiping the saliva off his face and getting his tongue out of his throat, said, "I think Jeff Ooi-la." Granted, it took us all awhile to realise that the unlikely miracle of Kenny actually being funny did not just happen, and that he was being serious.

The brainchild of Kenny Sia. Do you really need a funny caption, now?

But think about it - isn't Mahatma Jeffdhi always preaching the virtues of humility? Like when he humbly boasted that "Screenshots has dished out a total of 50.58 gigabytes of data over the last four days." Or when he made himself look stupid by pretending that an IT specialist like him didn't know that when his traffic monitor kept ringing up US Military, it didn't actually mean someone in the military, but someone surfing from a military zone - be it family quarters, universities, grocery store, porn shop... you know... Jeff, always so humble, he is even humble on our behalf and says things to make other people in the blogoparallelogram look stupid. Thank you Jeff, for reminding us that the average Malaysian internet user does not know their own first three Prime Ministers.

Lu siapa?

But just as I, myself, a humble blogger, was ready to go all out in support of our new Blognese candidate, we suddenly stumbled upon revelations that things were not quite as they seemed. There was more than meets the eye. Ada udang di sebalik batu. Looks like sugar, minus the calories.
We spotted, whilst doing our scheduled random regular off-and-on screening of Screenshots that even whilst telling you what you can or can't say, Jeffrey Bradburooi still claims to be humble and only human and that it's "humanly impossible to keep track of each and every reader's comment in this blog" but yet he finds plenty of time to snipe and ridicule many commentors on his own blog. Therefore we can deduce, that he, in fact, is not human, as was first "post"-ulated (hehehe, ahem) here on Potshots itself. He is, in fact, a ROBOT, bot, bot, bot...

Another robot, of a malevolent and sinister character, instead of being just being humble and stupid, trapped in timeless stasis.

What is even more troubling, for it is not quite so troubling that he is a mere pawn of an Iranian madman dictator, is that, he could quite possibly be an Australian spy! Yes, Agen Australia! Our evidence, comes, untampered, from the highest authority known to mankind yet - Facebook.

Evidence, as damning as the fact that Brendan Pereira resigned after being accused of plagiarism, a year ago.

We know how dangerous this can be. Being an Agen of a nation of criminals and kangaroos. What terror might befall Malaysia if Jeff were to become Prime Minister one day? Why are you laughing?
Ignoring your uncalled for laughter - no, seriously, please stop - we realise that some of you naysayers and doubters who cannot be convinced even if God himself came down and wrote on the wall, due to your unfailing love for the Man From Whom All Free Speech Flows, then at least see how Jeffbot has condemned himself.
Because while this may all seem like light and mirrors and shadowplay, we must realise that we live in a time where rumours count for everything and news count for nothing. Rumours, rumours, I tell you, are the real truth. Behold this sight, and also your balls in case, as it is revealed on Screenshots itself, that rumours hold the ultimate key to the locks on the chains on the treasure chest aboard the Flying Dutchman.

The truth, lies in those tentacles, and will only reach the shores, once every 10 years.

We found out that Jeff might run for DAP thanks to the rumourmill, which turns rumours from tough and indigestible shells into tasty cereal that's good for your bowels. He pah-pah-ed away rumours that he might be a demon - secure that he would pass any lie detector test since he is in fact, a robot - but we all mistook it to mean that the rumours that he was going to run for DAP were untrue. As it turns out, and as we all know, thanks to some free food at Food Foundry, he is in fact, the Democratic Action Party's new election candidate.

Due to government propaganda, it is a little known fact that Karpal Singh was the first Malaysian in space, in 1964.

So, what do we know now? Here, are the facts, as confirmed by rumours. 1. Jeff is running under DAP for the next elections. 2. He is a robot. 3. John Travolta is gay.
Putting all these facts together, we can only surmise that since he is a robot, somebody must have created him, like the Six Million Dollar Man, except it probably didn't cost anything and he was put together from the besi buruk factory.

We can make him better than he was. Better... stronger... faster, just by feeding him leftovers, from yesterday.

Therefore, Jeff must certainly only be a puppet. And who is his puppet master? Is he the tool of some Australian Koala Bears as we supposed earlier? Here at Potshots, we think that is merely a smokescreen, a smokescreen so devious it has even Facebook fooled!
Well, just as the Umnoputera have their puppets and mouthpieces, surely the Bloggerputera also have their own puppet. This, is bad news for common bloggers like us, for we are not part of this nobility. We have no noble blood in us, which allows us to have '"powerful English".
For example, this man named Zorro, who gives us such bombastic sentences like in a recent post, "Like anywhere else in peaceful Semanjung Malaysia a thick envelope under the brown folder or a big loss at the golf links to a head of department can sort of kick-start the acceleration of the approval process." Wow, such incredible gasp of the language, entire teams of linguistic experts at Potshots have been working on that sentence for several weeks now but without getting any closer to understanding it.
Apparently, it is because "REALLY, DO WE HAVE THESE BREED OF PARENTS TODAY." Hence, our lack of noble blood that allows us to comprehend such incredible language.
If we refer back to Jeff's piece on retiree bloggers, we will notice that both have been identified as former government servants. Now if Kelly Molars and Brendan of the Prairie used to work for Singapore Straits Times and are Agen Singapura, then surely, these two are Agen Kerajaan and JEFF IS BUT A MERE ROBOT IN THE HANDS OF THE GOVERNMENT.

A civil servant, at teatime, anytime.

My fellow and fei-loh bloggers, we cannot let this be. This is yet another deception from the government! We must rise up and claim our proepr place to be anti-government at all times and truly have our own representation at the next election.
And so it is that I looked around and found, no more humble servant than myself, and so I have also decided that Daft Oi, anak Kampung Kuala Blog Tengah, will run for the next elections under a new party.
A party that seeks to liberate, to bring that free-spiritedness, that joy, that sense of comraderie. Yes, a Party with lots of booze and kicking DJs and rooms to make out in.
The Daft "All-Nighter" Punk Party, featuring hits like "Around the World" and "One More Time", will be running 24/7/365 until we find our way into parliament! Henceforth, whenever you see this logo, know that somewhere near you, there are bloggers who are partying on and will be voting for the common blogger, who drinks Tiger and not Bollinger, eats ikan bakar, not caviar.

ps: If you haven't already guessed, preparations for my political campaign was why this post is so late. However, there will not be a special Daft For Malaysia webpage, because unlike your average politician, my values are reflected here in my blog and I do not need to hide behind a different persona just to run for office. I do not need to give you THREE BLOG POSTS OF PROPAGANDA. What you see, is what you get. What you get is me. So see me in my office. Yes. Ok.

Nat Tan and the Blogly Hollows

2007-08-06T02:51:00.000+08:00

My friends, I am a Malaysian above all else. You know this, I know this, everybody knows this. Before being a human being, even, I am Malaysian. Before you were born, I was Malaysian. Before your mother was born, I was Malaysian. And before that blissful night with your grandmother in the pondok behind her house, well even then was I 100% bona fide gerenti tulin Malaysian.

Oh pondok yang sunyi, penyimpan beribu memori, dari tahun-tahun yang lalu.

But I am often asked by my fans and adorers (yes, you): 'after being Malaysian, what are you?' Are you an Orang Asli? A Nyonya? A Baba? An Indian? A Malay? A Muslim? A Chinese? A cupboard? Well, friends and animals, it is without a doubt the fact that I am a Blogger. The race of Blogger is a mighty one, and I one day hope to grow a dinky moustache or break my soul into bits with some spells and then lead my kind to racial supremacy over lesser beings (whom we refer to as Muggles and Mudbloods). Until then, though, I am forced merely to fight for our 'human rights', since we are upon so often trod and stepped.

Iraqi soldiers are the only other people on the earth who know what it's like to be trod and stepped upon, every day.

Towards this end, a recent happening has had me very worried. I refer to the arrest and detention of that fine gentleman, Nathaniel Tan, or 'Nat' Tan. I should point out that this catchy nickname was first used in 2004, with characteristically incisive foresight, by my mentor, that fine example of purest Blogger stock, Jeff 'The Tastiest Ooister' Ooi; he has rightfully claimed so in his blog, Preenspots. 'Nat' Tan, I'm sorry to say, was arrested by cyborgs in balaclavas on July 13, spirited away from undisclosed location to undisclosed location, before finally being held at the Dung Wangi police station and eventually released on July 18. While many reasons have been bandied about for this travesty, most of the blame has been placed on the Official Secrets Act, or OSA (as Jeff Ooi has referred to it since 1993).

The Mighty Blogger has no need for puny contrivances such as the OSA and dentistry, ever.

The OSA is designed to keep secrets official, to make sure everyone knows what's secret, so that they know what they're not supposed to know. With the aid of the OSA you'll know whether you're supposed to know what you know. If you know something's not meant to be known, then you can avoid knowing it, because when you know it you'll know that it's not what you can know, and so you'll never know what it means to know whatever you know is not to be known. The British came up with it to deal with communists, because apparently this guy named Marky Marx said that communists have to share everything, so keeping secrets makes their heads explode, or something.

Wassup, my socially equal homeboy?

The point, though, is that this OSA is now being used to silence the Blogger race!!! Some might foolishly claim that the OSA has been misused for years in order to smother dissent, and that any form of outspoken, clear thinking is under threat from such draconian tactics, but we of the Blogs know better!!! This is clearly a personal war being waged on us by The Man, as has been pointed out by reputable commentators. There vomits a warm little glow in my heart of hearts, to read things like this:

If someone like him is convicted, it will be the end of justice in a country toppling slowly into perdition. Thus, I’m optimistic that he’ll be released on Tuesday. Any other outcome would be unthinkable, farcical. But we shall soon know, in a few hours, whither goes Malaysia.

YES. TRUE. RIGHT ON. Because while some may narrow-mindedly see this as another case of injustice perpetrated by the government and the police in Malaysia, some of us know this for what it is - an attempt to purge Malaysia of the noble and heroic Blogger! Well, we Netizens and Webidents will no longer stand silent while this assault goes on! And for those of you still in doubt that this is, in fact, a campaign to ethnically cleanse Bloggers from Malaysia, let me remind you that it has been going on for years.

Just like the EU, us Netizens have created our own economic union and currency, called Paypal, since 1957.

Note, for example, the pointed absence of any Muhammad cartoons in any of the major Malaysian media outlets. The New Stray Times for example, once so brazen with its Muhammad-related graphics and caricatures, has not produced a single item or drawing related to the Muslim prophet for over a year now. I am reminded that it was none other than the Scrummiest Ooister who was first on the scene back then to demand the suppression of the NST's right to print a comic which not only used the word 'Muhammad' but also had the audacity to be funny and a realistic expression of the issues at hand. Since that fateful day, suspiciously, there have been no more opportunities for us Bloggers to freely make clear our belief that we are the only people who should have freedom of speech. What can this be but a well-calculated torpedo aimed at our nuclear submarines of freedom?! For if the mainstream media does not do such things, we will have nothing to complain about! This clearly restrict our freedom, most specifically our right to be bloody hypocrites, which we earned through decisive victory in the Geneva Competition and payment in full of the UN Bill For Human Rights.

Citing feminist values, we attempted a 50-50 split, but ended up footing the whole thing, that evening.

I will also call your attention to the plight of the food Bloggers. Malaysia has long been known as a sort of spittoon of cuisine, into which contributions have been launched by cultures far and wide. But today, what is the Blogger of food to do, when everywhere one turns one sees more and more branches of the same chains? Everywhere you go, as far and wide as Bangsar Village and 1 Utama, you will find sister outlets of Just Thai attempting to enforce their brand of Thai food. You cannot turn to the left or right in the city of Kuala Lumpur without coming across a Ms. Read, attempting to stifle all other interpretations of the chocolate cake!

One Cake to rule them all, One Cake to find them, One Cake to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. Oh, sorry, are we doing Harry Potter references, today?

This spreading of chains is nothing if not an attempt to limit the food Bloggers' ability to express themselves! For if everywhere food is the same, there will be nothing to write about. The Muggles may content to eat the same thing everywhere, but we Bloggers wield the mighty wand of Needing To Say Stuff About Every Fucking Thing, so this is a great injustice to us. Don't think we can't see what's happening. Thankfully, our assault on these vile chains will eventually cause them to go the way of White Castle, which closed in Malaysia around 15 years ago, thus sealing a decisive victory for the Blogger. What's that you say? There were no Bloggers 15 years ago, so it couldn't have been a victory for us? Well, I say your petty Muggle concept of 'time' with its 'past' and 'present' is oppressive, and an attempt to silence us Bloggers! We are to rule you.

Casualties of the War on Blogger, 15 years ago.

Another victory for the Blogging Race can be seen in the recent termination of one of the New Stray Times' columnists, the inimitimintimissimitable Amir Muhammad. Long considered one of Malaysia's top writers and makers of films nobody can understand, Amir Muhammad also puzzled the Blogger race by appearing to be one of us, and yet not quite. As everyone knows, one is Either With Us Or Against Us, which means that Amir's status as a Blogger who also held a column in one of the most evil Anti-Bloggering representatives of The Man, the NST, was something of a mystery. The situation was made even more perplexing by the fact that he posted his columns on his Blog, thus making it seem, inexplicably, as though what mattered were the things being written, rather than the media used to write them. We all know this is poppycock, and only things said on Blogs are actually true, so I was very glad to hear that Amir's last column appeared on August 2, after which he will no longer be a dirty blood traitor but will instead join us forevermore - more Lestrange than Snape, if you see what I'm saying. Many esteemed authorities and Pure-Blood Blogger Lords such as YAB Dr. Rocky bin Bru have come out in support of this move. Some have even theorised as to why Amir even bothered with the NST for so long, seeing as how it is totally dirty, manipulative and unethical, and anything written on its pages must be false and nasty, while anything written on our Blogs must be true and pure. One of the comments on Amir's blog came from someone who humbly referred to her/him/itself as 'mekyam', who suggested this:

Hurrah! Now you are no longer contaminated by association with that sad government mouthpiece. I was wondering when you'd cut the umbilical yourself... you took pity on their sorry unpopular arse... ya?

This but totally explains why Amir tolerated The Man for so long! Because he took pity on the Mudbloods and all their sorry kind. I am still uncertain as to whether 'mekyam' believes that Amir's mother has a 'sorry unpopular arse' from which he had to 'cut the umbilical', or whether the NST is in fact Amir's mother, but I'm sure the explanation will come with time.

Another sort of mother, who never actually become one and suffered for, nine months.

Until then, however, I ask that my fellow Bloggers be wary of all the Mudbloods and filthy blood traitors around, who may at any moment attempt to undermine our struggle. Perhaps you'll hear them say that such-and-such a Blog entry had the stupidest and clumsiest Harry Potter references ever, or that thus-and-thus a newspaper report actually has some merit; in short, if in any way they suggest that perhaps we Bloggers can be as corrupt and untrustworthy and dishonest and nasty and simplistic as The Man, and that the problem is bad people on both sides rather than simply the forces of Blogger vs. Man, they must be silenced at once. Our time will come, and then with an Expelliarmus and a Crucio and an Avada Kedavra, we will rule them all.

Yes, even her, we shall rule, for as long as our strange and moist dreams continue.

Haram Scam: Haram Agenda, Anti-Haram & short-code HARAM

2007-06-16T22:14:00.000+08:00

Oh, what a wonderful country we live in. Other countries may boast to be the most democratic, the mostest democratictoc, the mostesting democracyphilis, but we know, in our Greatly Unoriginal Joke, otherwise known as Bolehland, and sometimes whose difference is unknown from that of Syariahland or Corruptionland or Floodland or any other kinds of land that someone who is obviously unfunny coined up, that indeed, we are the ones who are the most open to free speech.
And breathe.
Because from the past, we know that free speech means the ability to say anything we want, no matter how stupid, ignorant, annoying and downright outrageous they may be. Just take a gander, or a goose, just as not to be sexist, at the sort of one-sided, single-sourced, and sometimes totally unjustified journalism that comes from such widely-regarded intellacktuals (lolol, I kill me) as Jeff a/l Ooi and Ahirudin a/Singapura Attan.

Free speech is hot!

So we know that we in fact, are the country most open to criticism of any sort, and we allow anyone to make any sort of comment about the way we dress, the food we eat and our choices of religion. Lately, we've been exhibiting this freedom in a new trend, which is to shout loudly,

"HARAM!"

Yes, the moment you say something is "HARAM!", you immediately have a chance of being listened to and quoted in the media.

It also helps if you haven't shaved, in years.

Most recently, it was a bout of unshaven men accusing a shaven woman of "HARAM!" It appears that since women already have less hair on their bodies, shaving off their hair must be "HARAM!" as it defies the natural order of Allah's creation. These women, who are already innately evil and sinful due to their lack of hair, should not make themselves have even less hair. In fact, they should not shave their armpits or cunts or knees.
Thanks to free speech, we now have this valuable oyster of wisdom, one that has been slaughtered secara halal.

Alamak, after a trip to the barber.

Perak Mufti Datuk Seri Harussani Idris said of this situation,

"As Muslims, we should not sacrifice our religion for the sake of wanting to be popular. I have been observing that nowadays, our artistes are becoming too open and daring, either in their actions or attire."

Yes, as Muslims, we should be closed and cowardly, not open and daring. That way Muslims can become even more unpopular, which has been our goal ever since we started suicide bombing just to piss people off.

The world's most popular suicide bomber, your oxymoron for, today.

And then there's the case of bartending being "HARAM!" as well, as declared from some sober men. Yes, alcohol, which is innately evil, must not only be refused as a beverage by Muslims, but also, Muslims must refuse to serve it, mix it, stir it, shake it, or put little umbrellas in it.

So "HARAM!" that it must burn in hell, for all eternity.

Selangor Mufti Datuk Mohd Tamyis Abdul Majid even went so far as to say that Muslims should lodge reports with the religious authorities on the involvement of Muslims in any alcohol-related activities or else, they would be deemed as equally shouldering the sin.
However, said mufti said nothing of taking action against said bartenders who participated in said competition even though it was reported in several national dailies. Maybe he wants to help others to shoulder some sin. I heard it's good for toning the back muscles.

He's going straight to hell, right after another 10 reps of sin-shouldering.

Non-Muslims, he aded, could also play a role by not allowing Muslims to partake in activities forbidden by Islam.
Yes, even non-Muslims must help to spot and put in check "HARAM!" activities even if it's got nothing to do with their religion and in fact, they would prefer if Muslims served alcohol, worked in commercial banks, sold 4D, worked for Genting, etc. They must not allow Muslims to do these things, at any cost. We must stop them by performing citizen's Syariah arrest.
A representative from JAIS revealed that they are already setting up a Syariah arrest kit which has a songkok, stick-on beard and a "HARAM!" guidebook for non-Muslims to do their part to help protect and promote free speech!

You too, can be part of the long arm of the Syariah law, call 1-800-SYARIAH, now.

Of course, in recent times, even things like wayang kulit has been declared "HARAM!". Or wishing your non-Muslim friends on days of their own religious festivities, whether it be Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Kunnimony or Wookie love Ewok Day.
Even ridiculous things like pork has been declared "HARAM!". Can you believe it? Even less credibly, Mufti Jeffar bin Husseinooi has tried to declare anti-jeffooiism "HARAM!"

Pork Satay, sadly, "HARAM!" in Malaysia since satay became a religious symbol.

Which is all very strange since, when you think about it, the root word of "HARAM!" is 'haram', which is actually used to denote something that is sacred, the total opposite of the context used when it is being shouted out loud by someone who's waiting to stone someone to death.
Furthermore, which is much further than furtherless, which is when a bunny rabbit is born a bastard, the etymological roots of 'haram' are tied to 'harem', which we all know, in Islam, is perfectly legitimate and halal.

Kahwin lebih daripada empat, adalah perbuatan yang harem.

So, in a sense, Sharifah Amani's hair is a holy relic, and so are some of Mohd Adzhar Ahmad's cocktails. They're like the Islamic Holy Grail. Therefore, Potshots is sponsoring a team that must go and find the locks of Amani's once lustrous and lust-arousing hair.

We shall call them, the Raiders of The Lost Botak. Many perils await those that seek out the Holy Hair of Amani - looking through garbage, swimming through sewers, negotiating with natives or commonly known as bribing the authorities and also, weird perverts.

Unlike Indiana Jones, the only balls that will be rolling in Malaysia are those who dare to go against the rule of "HARAM!", unless it's in Perlis, where a mufti with some semblance of lucidity presides, for now.

Meanwhile, Maxis has refused to comment on when they'll finally give Jeff Ooi a contract so that he'll finally shut up about SMSes and resume normal service of plugging LG products and singlehandedly destroying the mainstream media.

Lembah Pantai to hold By-Elections

2007-05-15T23:14:00.000+08:00

BREAKING LIKE THE WIND BENEATH THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS NEWS!!!

Once again - that is, for the second time - Potshots is first to the news that even Jeff Ooi hasn't had the opportunity to be late by one day to. Yes, you heard it here first, Lembah Pantai, the only shore that is a valley, which is a crazy sitch to be in since such a shore should surely be submerged by the sea, is due for a round of festivities known as the by-elections.
After seeing the sort of celebrity status accorded to some little part of dunno-where called Ijok, the once-and-former Hollywood of Malaysia, Bangsar is keen to regain its wardrobe malfunctioning throne of tabloid gossip. As such, it has initiated the first step that will lead to the chain of events that powers the gears of the mighty and unstoppable machine that results in inevitable by-elections - TARRING OF THE ROADS.

First, we examine a picture of Ijok pre-elections.

This is a picture of Jalan Maarof. As you can see, the similarities are striking. Freshly tarred roads and at least one Indian chap in the middle of it.

Yes, as all of us politicos know, once roads are tarred, polling must start. But this leads us to one very startling and diabolical conclusion, WHICH IS YET ANOTHER PIECE OF BREAKINGLY SCOOPING NEWS - Dato’ Seri Mata Syaitan Shahrizat Abdul Jalil MUST DIE!

RIP, soon!

Yes, just like Jet Li, the child-eating Succubus of women and their families will finally be vanquished via poetic karma leaving Aaliyah to drink some poison. Uhh, okay, got a bit confused there.

Minority Report, as one confused blogger named the movie, two seconds ago.

But while we await news of Sharizat's sudden passing, Potshots has not simply sat on its unregistered-to-vote arse and hoped that Maxis knows where to find me and reads my blog, we've gone out and find out what sort of reaction there's been at ground-level, where once again, - this time, meaning many occasions... at least three - my Little Earthworms have been first to arrive at some disturbing news.

We caught up with the driver of this taxi for a short interview, meaning we pwned him around the corner with our daring racing line, whilst smelling all that freshly brewed tar.

Taxi driver D. Rivelikeamaniakam, 41, says that of late, whenever he is prowling the streets of Lembah Pantai for a fare, he's suddenly felt a sudden surge of patriotism.

"Dunnola why also. Suddenly only, I feel like singing Negaraku and have a sudden urge to go to the school. There, that one, where I always go to vote, and put one big X beside the dacing," he told a cacing (lolol).

This strange phenomenon was also felt by dozens of other motorists on Jalan Maarof, who felt inclined to start dressing in red, white, blue and yellow and Pampers. However, while this may all seem fairly harmless and dandy since there isn't an actual real chance of Bangsar freezing over... I mean Lembah Pantai not being won by BN, isolated cases of more violent behaviour have been reported in isolation and have nothing to do with each other except for the fact that it also happened whilst drivers were on these newly-tarred roads.
Apparently, some members of the motoring public have gotten so passionate that they've started waving kerises around! Yes, you read that right, not Kelisas, but kerises!

Only good for waving around ever since the Viva was launched, on May 10.

Eye-witness Winston Kerchil Hawkseye has actually seen cases of apparent roadrage where drivers have suddenly appeared, unsheathing a keris and singing some joget song song. Here is the exclusive interview, as done by Wormy the Worm.

WKH: Like this la. First ah, the driver come out. But he never attack anyone, he just start waving the keris around. Then he tok some kok la. But also dunno what he saying. Just shouting and stuff. But he never actually had any effect. People just continue driving, joining the jam like centipede." (hyuck, hyuck)
WTW: Oh, did you notice anything strange about the driver or his car?
WKH: No wor. But actually, I see properly, there was a Malaysian flag attached to his roof. I think since last Merdeka or even 1994 Merdeka also not taken down yet, lazy like caterpillar. (hahaha)

Another stupid, harmless man with a keris, a couple of years ago.

So, this has been Potshots, with no closing statement from Maxis this time, as they've decided that since no actual letter of complaint was forwarded to them by the complainant, they've decided that they don't need to respond to me. But watch this space for more updates on the inevitable by-electioneering.

Laughing Banned in All Goverment Buildings

2007-04-30T20:57:00.000+08:00

It is a rare occasion when Potshots misses a trick. Usually, we miss half a dozen at a go.

In one recent six-pack of "wtf, I must be blind" moments, it was the redoubtable Jeffaw Hooi-Lawak-Betul who scooped our ass like it was his favourite mutton curry at Syed bistro.

Jeff's penchant for mutton curry has made this sort of sixpack become a thing of, the past.

Yes, it was the Screenshooter himself who got the early story in after being tip-offed. It was so early that it was a day after The Biggest Ball of Gaseous Advertising had printed the story. My, my, Jeff sure is working hard for his money, isn't he?

Artist impression of Jeff being on the ball, which is of course, the wrong sort of on the ball but can you blame the artist after reading jeffooi.com for years?

But he certainly gave us a wonderful piece of sensationalist tabloid journalism, one that has crushed the stony ego and resolve of the folks here at Potshots who believe ourselves to the pillar of sensationalist tabloid journalism of Malaysia as per the standards of Hello! magazine in the UK, by revealing that it was not shoddy construction or too much air bandung being dumped down the sink that caused leaking and burst pipes down in Putrajaya - the capital formerly known as 'one estate-la' - but instead, the worse evil known to mankind.

Ladies and gentlemen, be afraid, be very a-feared, for Putrajaya, it be hainted by them ghosts called LAUGHTER.

Do not ask for whom the Laughter laughs, it laughs for tee-hee-hee.

Yes, ma'am. It was not lousy material from Suchou, nor plumbers from Atlantis but Laughter that slew the concrete beast that is Putrajaya. What is worse, my good sirs, is that this Laughter did not come alone, but as MP-USJ (Skrinsot) Jeff himself has revealed, it was Laughter'S'!

Immediately after Jeff broke this piece of scintillating - which simply means unsubstantiated - news, the Cabinet, in its fear of allowing Putrajaya to look stupid, went ahead and made themselves look stupid instead, by deciding that Laughter would be banned from all federal buildings at once.

The new MP-Ijok (BN) K. Tartheroad said, "We cannot allow any more of our expensively contracted and subcontracted government offices to become submerged in so much water. Then my constituents will start coming to fetch water from these buildings."

Tsk, tsk, tsk, think of all the dry people in Ijok, desperate for water everyday.

As such, it was announced, that to prevent future occurrences of laughter, Screenshots would be blocked from the Internet on all government computers and also, Jeff would not be allowed to even show his face in those hallowed halls. Further to that, Samy would have to get rid of his stupid wig and all MPs must stop behaving like monkeys in Parliament, except when in the car park.

Tonight, we dine in hell!

The Screenshooting Lensataking Blogatronic Guy was obviously incensed at this and vowed to somehow make even more misguided literary deductions in an effort to confuse and mire the government in more shenanigans.

Meanwhile, TunDr, TunDr, TunDrKats Mahathir Mohamed called on the people of Ijok to "Use the ballot box to tell the 'rotten' government not all is well!"
Yes, KarTun, they have heeded your call and voted for the post-Mahathir BN. They're obviously sick of your 'rotten' government that gave us buildings in Putrajaya that have become weak with 'laughters'.

Thankfully, DrM didn't have the foresight to put water in the bridges, instead of just under them, back in the good ol' 90s.

Maxis, after a long hiatus, have informed me that they had nothing to do with either Ijok or the leaking pipes since only government officers only laugh at Celcom ads.

Jeremy Clarkson, International Man of Parliamentary Debate

2007-04-09T22:30:00.000+08:00

Debate is the thing you catch the fish with, one rather unfunny Singaporean once said as part of a comedy recording by the rather unfunnily named Kopi Kat Klan (KKK! Geddit? LOL!)
Even more unfunny, is the fact that this means that my Little Earthworms = Debate. Further to that, the usually unflinching Daft Oi is now rather confused about whether his worms are the source of much fisticuffs in the Taiwanese Parliament, or the source of food for those poor sods who live by the sea in coastal areas like Kuala Terengganu, Kota Bharu, Kuantan, Kuala Lumpur... wait a minute.

Ah beat your ass, niggah!

Whatever the case may be, at least my crawly bros have been safe from Little Bird attacks for the past few months. Oh, haven't you noticed? They've kinda been leaving the roost over at Screenshot Aviary. Who knows, maybe ol' Jeffdefella has decided that Little Birds are for little boys. Or that they were an insanely ridiculous device to begin with.

Jeff didn't take too kindly when one of his birdies decided to be more manly than him, late last year.

As opposed to the devices that Jeremy Clarkson, the world's premier motorhead and fulltime ugly, uses. These are still insane and ridiculous. But funny. Ok, so Little Birds are funny too, but not in the same way.

So when in 2005, Jeremy decided to unleash all his frustration at being a married man and being unable to get all the groupies he could rightly claim by taking a Perodua Kelisa and proceeding to hammer, hang, draw (not that draw, dummy), and then blow up (not that blow up, dummy) the lil bugger. Of course, he had little idea that it would spark a diplomatic row with a tiny country of people who take two years to realise what the hell is going on.
That might be because we live in a jungle and wear leaves for shoes. The truth is that it's much worse, we actually wear Jimmy Choos. That is, if you're the average 30-year-old Malaysian woman who happens to be Bruneian.

Malaysia Boleh!

So, it is that recently, Clarkson drew the ire of minister in the ministerial department of administering primary schooling for ministers Datuk Abdul Raman Sillyman, who said, "Jeremy (Clarkson) had made the comment in a column in a magazine. He is like a soccer commentator; one who does not play the game but knows its technicalities. He is a critic of not only the Kelisa but also other cars, such as the Lamborghini."
This of course makes perfect sense since Clarkson doesn't drive cars, he just talks about them. He uses a stunt double to film him driving them. Which is quite an achievement. I mean, have you seen the man? How do you get another person who looks like such a wanker but is tall and has skin that can be pulled back behind his ear?

Shebby pwns Jeremy because Shebby actually played football, for a team that never made it to the World Cup. Guess this means that if I start wearing designer clothes, I can be a fashion critic, this spring/summer.

Of course, everyone knows that Lamborghinis are perfect in every way, so if Clarkson criticises them, he must be stupid. Yes, how can you criticise a company that is so good, it got bought over by another company, who are owned by yet another company. That is the mark of a good company, which is why Perodua is owned by Daihatsu which is owned by Toyota.

Like two peas in a pod, at harvest time.

Meanwhile, Americans, who are not as fucktardedly slow as us Malaysians, have also kicked up a huge fuss at Congress - which in their country, is the place where laws are made, unlike here, where people go to ogle at Samy Vellu's hair.
In the current season, Jeremy and fellow penile enlargement therapists, James 'Oh, Cock' May and Richard 'I-Hate-My-Life-And-I-Wanna-Die-In-A-300mph-Car-Crash' Hammond filmed an episode where they showed up the greatest democracy in the known Burger-Chomping Universe to have their quota of homophobic, intolerant hicks who like nothing better than to intimidate strange foreigners.

Like, doh.

"We do not hate gay people. I have gay friends myself," said Alabaman Congressman Whyte S. Premises. "Just the other night, I held a party at my house and there were two gay people there. We just want them to stop dressing funny, and if they can dress normally, like they did at my party, they're always welcome here, which is the same rules we have for Moslems. Just stop dressing funny."

"Jeremy (Clarkson) is like a soccer commentator; one who does not play the game but knows its technicalities. He is a critic of not only white Americans but also white Germans," he continued. "He is mocking and destroying our way of life, just like Osama did, just like Afghanistan and Iraq did by being ugly and creating nonexistent nuclear weapons that also threaten our way of life. So, I propose that we ask the government of England to surrender these America-haters or we will have no choice but to send our troops in."

This drew much much agreement in Congress as was seen when everybody in the House, come on, let me here you say way-oh, WAY-OH.
But at presidential level, it was revealed that this was all just political posturing and a useless load of cock.

"Now, I believe in God and God tells me what to do," said President Georgie Porgie Bushy Wushy.

"And because England is a God-fearing Christian country, we won't invade them. Just like how North Korea has nukes that put the fear of God in Americans, we haven't invaded them either. We will continue our strategy of only invading anti-American nations who have no nukes, because the truth is, we're cowards."

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

"Most of all, it must be understood that politicians just like to bring up these things to look patriotic, when in fact, Top Gear went to the South of the United States, where I come from. Let me tell you, it's like another country down there. And we can safely ignore jokes made about those hicks. Just like how I advice Malaysia to ignore jokes made about a national car that's owned by the Japanese."

Mushi-mushi!

It is understood here at Potshots that Optimus Prime Minister Pak Lahmborghini, has also been ignoring the monkey business in parliament for a long time now.

This has been Potshots, your very best source of hardly updated news.

50 Posts to Independence #25: The Orang Hutan Are Coming!

2007-03-08T23:12:00.001+08:00

Shit, man. Isn’t Malaysia awesome? Just look at all the posts that have come before this in Nizam Bashir's tagathon. I think it was a good idea, and would like to wholeheartedly thank Aisehman (not his real name, stupid) for tagging me. It's patrio-riffic! Some of the posts that resulted have been complaints, a few other moans, many more painful excoriations. No, how would I know what it means, don’t you own a dictionary? Bumpkin.

Malaysia ftwww!!! Average-looking Miss Malaysia woot!!!!! Awesome ballzzz, all the time!!!

But where was I? O yes, what a shit-awesome country this is, and as a result I am very proud to be posting at the exact half-way point of this tagathon, the twenty-fiftieth post, with 24 posts to come, before our country finally turns a big fat wobbly dry and flaccid 50 years of age.
As poster No.25, Daft Oi, as usual, is at the centre of things, the conduit, the point of the passing of the baton between the muscular black man of the past and the muscular black man of the future. I was going to pen a poem about my grandmother's old goat and its special relationship with my uncle, but as luck would have it, a major news event has broken like an egg over the heated Ramlee Burger griddle of our lives, and it is the breaking of this event that I will use as my contribution to the tagathon.

Foreigners, you will never understand, ever.

When life hands you eggs, my grandfather used to say, make egg banjos, because dey, you’re the only one who’s getting eggs handed to you by life and everyone else has to work to get them you bloody quota system fler. My grandfather was an angry man, unfortunately. So, this egg banjo of news that I am about to wrap up for you in the flimsy tissue paper of my journalistic skills, that always sticks to the ketchup and goes all fucking soggy and shit, is this: we are facing an important development in our nation’s history.

Ever ready to be drenched in ketchup, mucus, semen, or some other similar disgusting stuff, in times of need.

You see, my fellow Malaysians, we are about to be overtaken. No, not overtaken in the Alex Yoong sense, overtaken in the Iraq sense. For it has emerged through the careful digging of my Little Earthworms that there is a group vying to seize control of Malaysia from us. They have decided that enough is enough, and that they’re not going to stand for this anymore. This group, my sons and daughters, is the Orang Hutan.

You. How dare you! This is our country, you fiend! You absolute and utter...aww...he's so cute, wook at him, the widdow cutie, how could I stay mad at this face, for very long?

Oh yes, I’m sure you thought you could laugh and ‘so-cute’ them for the rest of your lives, content in the knowledge that the only harm they’re going to do will involve stealing the clothes off white women (this being ok because white women all want to get it on all the time anyway, not like our pure and saintly women of various hues). But no, these Orang Hutan, they’re now organized and they’ve decided that they’re going to kick us all out of their country. They have already sent lobbying groups to the United Nations and various key allies, and it is rumoured that an enormous fighting force is amassing somewhere in the vicinity of Batang Berjuntai. I secured an exclusive interview with the head of the Orang Hutan Freedom Front (OHFF): His Eminence, Weird-Facedness and Long-Armedness the High Chancellor Oook!.

Uh-oh...this looks like it might turn out badly, pretty soon.

Daft Oi: So, High Chancellor, would you care to explain your group's actions?

HC Oook!: The justification is simple, old bean. Simply look around you.

Daft Oi: Yes, um... it's very leafy... and green... sort of soggy...

HC Oook!: No, you buffoon! I meant look around you in a metaphorical sense, you see. For you and your kind have had this country for the greater part of fifty years. Five decades, you see.

Daft Oi: Oh, ok. Um... and what?

HC Oook!: You have entirely made a hash job of it, that's what's what! Fifty whole years and this is the best you could do? We are decidedly unimpressed.

Daft Oi: But where have we gone wrong? The economy is in fairly good shape...

HC Oook!: Economy, economy, economy. Pish and fittlybosh! That's all we ever hear when we speak to you people. Always the economy, the economy. It doesn't matter that you are essentially all idiots.

Daft Oi: We are?

HC Oook!: We have put all our best Orang Hutan scientists on this problem for many years now. And they all agree that ultimately there appears to be no way around the true root of this heinous state of affairs - that you, my good man, you and all your kind, are just too stupid to run a country. You've had fifty years, and it is time now for you to bugger off.

Another guy who said 'bugger', recently.

Daft Oi: There are orang-utan scientists?

HC Oook!: Blast, man! You are a speciesist!

Daft Oi: ?

HC Oook!: The term...'orang-utan'...we do not use it for it is our slave-name. We much prefer the term 'Orang Hutan'. This is who we truly are. When we are in charge, there will be no more of your speciesism and your using us as mascots and all that rot.

Wira single-handedly got us into fourth place in the Commonwealth Games, once again showing that without our Orang Hutan heroes, Malaysians will be idiot cocksucking faggots, forever.

Daft Oi: Oh... sorry... um. I'm not a speciesist, though. I have goldfish.

HC Oook!: Hah! We've learned from UMNO Youth that to not be racist is in fact a racist position! The same is also true of speciesists. So don't try and fool us. If you want to know how we learned all this, why don't you ask one of our scientists for yourself, old bean? Here's Professor Doctor Oooook! to answer any queries you may have.

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Good day.

Daft Oi: So, Prof, what sort of research did you conduct?

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Oh, too many sorts to describe, really. I think I could best sum up our research program as an intensive sociook-psychook-liguistook-economook-philosophook-sports science effort. We interviewed members of the public, collected artifacts from tourists for study, infiltrated the rank and file of many corporate and governmental organisations, and positioned our researchers covertly in numerous top positions, in order to gather data. The presence of some of your government officials, such as Samy Vellu, may suddenly appear to make a lot more sense now.

WTF!

Daft Oi: Oh... no wonder. So, what were your conclusions?

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Well, to begin with, there's no point talking to you. You're just too bloody dumb. I mean, we did lots of sweeps with our Polonium Stupidity Meter and couldn't believe the results of our survey. 90% of your government officials are in the 'Dangerously Stupid' category, while the rest of the populace doesn't fare much better, with an astounding 100% of public relations and advertising executives achieving the 'Oh Fuck Hide The Kids It's Marina Mahathir' rating. I mean, the only rating that's worse than that is 'Jeff Ooi'.

Now I lay me down to sleep, pray the Lord my soul to keep...

Daft Oi: But surely not all Malaysians...I mean, it's not our fault that...

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Here we go again. This was another problem we faced in our research. We attempted to talk to you and achieve a proper consensus, a reflective equilibrium, shall we say, and to find out how we could help you remedy the problems. But then we found out that nobody, nobody ever admits when they've done something wrong. I ask you to look back at the history books of your country and seek out a single incidence of someone admitting that they were wrong. Asides from that one time in 1972 when Mr. Chew Wong Kee said to his friend Mr. Baraun Iskandar, 'I'm so sorry, it was wrong of me to have pinched your nipple all the time when we were in school', we can find no other occasion. We now refer to this particular incident as the 'Wong Kee-Baraun Nipple Aberration'.

Baraun would bear the scars, to his dying day.

Daft Oi: But what does this mean?

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: To cut a long story short, it basically means that Malaysians are too stupid to admit when they're wrong. All of you. Each of you has an agenda, and you will act in furtherance of this agenda without ever thinking about what's best for the country or even for simple morality and reason. This is true of everyone, from the highest politicians right down to the lowest blogger, human rights activist and insurance agent. It's an amazing trend, because it cuts across racial and socio-economic barriers quite neatly. In fact, while many Malaysians believe that they may have racial or cultural ties to other countries, such as India and China, our research conclusively shows that in fact Indian and Chinese nationals are far smarter than Indian and Chinese Malaysians, and the only reason some of you believe that you belong in those 'mother countries', or that their languages are your languages by some right of 'mother culture' is, once again, because you're stupid. There is in fact a culture of stupidity which binds all of your fellow nationals. It might even be a case of Malaysians being one big, 'muhibbah' and united 'Bangsa Bodoh'. A new race, so too speak, one in dumbness. We are as we speak conducting DNA tests to see if all Malaysians share some sort of in-built stupidity, what we in scientific circles refer to hypothetically as the Cretin Gene.

It's evolution, baby.

Daft Oi: Surely there's been some progress...

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Progress? Well, in some ways, yes. In fact, we predicted a giant improvement with the advent of the Internet and the stepping-down of King Mahathir, for since then the human on the street has achieved a greater voice, and of late your ridiculously stupid government has even allowed people a certain level of dissent. The amusingly stupid media has picked up a bit too, in response to the new levels of information available to the public. However, what we didn't expect to learn from the people being given slightly greater freedoms is that most of the people are as stupid as the government and the media! I mean, give activism and the Internet to America and you get Counterpunch and The Onion, give it to Britain and you get Brian Haw and the BBC's stunningly informative website, but give it to Malaysia and what do you get? Jeff Ooi! And something known as Rocky, wielding something called a Bru! Sonia Randhawa! Five X Mom! Minishorts! You can scour the world for such a spectacular collection of the consistently stupid and unthinking - trust me, you won't find it. This was when we realised we had been looking in the wrong place for the source of your problems. It wasn't, as you all told us, the government, or the media, or the quota system, or the history, or the British... it was you. All of you. You're just so goshdarned idiotic.

The best we can do? Such a shame we shall bear into the twilight of our years.

HC Oook!: Enough. All this is old hat. This has been proven, and it is the merest of formalities to inform you of it. What matters now is our plan.

Daft Oi: Plan?

HC Oook!: Yes. We are about to embark on a historic new phase in this nation's history, one that will involve a massive deportation of, well, everybody. I'm very sorry to say that we shall have to kick you all out, in stages.

Daft Oi: But... you can't do that!

HC Oook!: And why not, young man? Observe the logic by which your country has organised itself - the first inhabitants are accorded greater rights due to an imagined connection with the soil. Well, it is this selfsame logic that leads us to conclude that we, the nobler primates of the Orang Hutan clan, are in fact the true heirs to this land. For we were here first, before even the ones you so inaccurately term Orang Asli. For if anyone is Asli, it is we. As it stands we do receive certain concessions and special rights. For example, as a protected species we receive a certain measure of social aid and cannot be hunted and killed arbitrarily. This gives us more rights than the Indians. But we demand more, we demand our full share! You have failed this land, and we will now do it justice!

Temple of Doom.

Daft Oi: Uh... okay... but how do you plan on doing this?

HC Oook!: Well, to begin with we aim to secure the trust, goodwill and approval of your key allies throughout the region and internationally. We are already engaged in talks with Singapore, Thailand, Brunei and Indonesia, as well as the United States and the United Kingdom. As we outlined our results to them they all responded with a slow nod and the words, "Ohhhh...well, that certainly explains a few things". After we have drawn up treaties with all these relevant nations, we will begin our offensive.

Daft Oi: Offensive?!

HC Oook!: Do not be alarmed, my good man, no violent means will be used unless absolutely necessary. We have secured a small cachet of certain necessary weapons from our allies and will first take over the military and police and their stock of arms. Then we will divide the population and send the Malays to Port Klang, the Indians to Westport and the Chinese to Kuantan Port. From there we would have organised ships with basic facilities to transport the entire population, in stages - Malays to Indonesia, Chinese to China and Indians to India. All these nations will be handsomely compensated for accepting their share of morons. As for the minority dimwits such as the Portuguese, they will be freighted back by air. The only people who will be allowed to remain are the Orang Aslis, as not only do they have a claim to the land that mirrors our own, they're also the only intelligent people around in this godforsaken hellhole. And once we have expelled you all, we will hold a sacred council deep in Taman Negara and I will hold aloft my sceptre and cry out to the true Malaysians: Merdekalah Malaysia Tanpa Orang Malaysia! Merdeka! Merdeka!

A regular Einstein, yesterday.

Daft Oi: Uh...ok. But... after you've removed everyone, how will you... run the country?

HC Oook!: How will we run it? Why, we'll run it well, that's how we'll run it. Ha ha ha. We will begin by forming a single-party government made out of members of all the primate clans in Malaysia. I have already secured agreement from my Bigfoot compatriot Lord Gruurgh! and my old friend the Beruk King, His Highness EEEEeek!. My secretary, Ms. Ooooooook! is busy drawing up the agreement as we speak. We will not go down the ludicrous and muttonheaded uni-ethnic party, multi-ethnic coalition route adopted by your own imbecilic selves, oh no. We will have party membership regardless of species, and from there new parties will be formed to create a proper democracy.

Daft Oi: I suppose... um... I guess that would be a good thing.

HC Oook!: Very glad to have brought you around to our way of thinking, old bean. I must say, I'm a huge fan of your blog, we identified it as the stupidest thing ever to come out of Malaysia. Quite an achievement, what.

Daft Oi: Err... yeah, thanks. So... be seeing you soon, then?

HC Oook!: Not soon enough, my good man, not soon enough.

And so there you have it, boysies and girlsies and ladyboysies - we are about to be over-run, and the 50th anniversary of our control over this land will also be the last. But, you know, having talked at length to my good bud the High Chancellor Oook!, I think this might not be such a bad thing. I mean, let's face it, we have fucked up pretty bad. And we do think it's all somebody else's fault. So, to me the only right thing to do now is help these nice apes kick us out. Hence, I have started the Friends of the Orang Hutan Freedom Front (F-OHFF) which will be collecting donations to be put into a fund for the purpose of buying ammunition and bananas and shit for Malaysia's hairy liberators. Let us look forward to the 50th anniversary of this nation being one in which it is finally rid of us!

Before we get to that, though, I'm going to tag the next person, because that's how tagathons work. The next man with a plan or woman with... um... bitumen, will be none other than the mighty Paul Tan! A true Malaysian, or a lot truer than you'll find in this tagathon, anyway. Beware his fearsome knowledge of cylinders and gaskets and shit.

Marina Does Backflips In Aid of United Heads Of Blogna

2007-02-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

I had last month, promised to bring you the latest and most insane rumblings of members and supporters of the Bloggers United movement, i.e., people who really need to do something about their self-esteem so they're convincing themselves that Notevenhalfthe Sizeofstar Times is something worth bringing down. This is of course, like how as kids, we thought that having a Level 56 Sorcerer who can raise skeletons from the dead and has the Staff of Summoning +6 was a really big deal and would validate all the time we spent not having an actual life. Wait, you mean, you still do that?

All Stars siut, don't mess with the best, or die like the Level 10 Priest, after being cut down by my Sword of Righteousness (3d20+4).

But because there's just too much funny shit going around for my staff to track, half of which, has gone to further their education in some fucktarded field (or rather, field which suffers from fucktardation) of Intellectual Wankings and Political Masturbations. Here, at Potshots, we believe in giving Malaysians a better future. Hopefully, we will reap the benefits of such jerk-offs in due time.
So instead, we're going to focus on just one blogger. One very important blogger. Important, not because she is influential. Not because she has some observation that is incisive and wise. Important, because she is Malaysia's candidate for the most boring load of bollocks ever to be seen on the Internet.

A different sort of load of bollocks, which is not boring, unlike Marina, perpetually a yawnfest.

Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you, RantingsbyMM, which can be translated as the branches that melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
My good fellow patriots, this woman, has her head stuck so far up her father's ass, that on her blog, you will see that she has listed as one of the 'Blogs That I Like', a particular one called MusingwithMarinaMahathir.
Now before you think that it's somewhat conceited to say that you like your own musings, this is not the case. Said site is actually a fansite! Run by some person who insists that,

"The articles are copy from the news for SambalBelacan's collection/reading. So, SambalBelacan IS NOT Marina. SambalBelacan is just one of her crowd readers too."

and basically just hopes that people kinda figure out what the hell she is trying to say. So, friends, the truth is Marina is not somewhat conceited. She is thoroughly so.

But we're not here to argue over Marina's personality, but rather, the good work she has done in trying to raise funds for the legal fund for Bloggers, which I have a feeling, I'll be using pretty soon.
While others have cancelled their subscriptions to NST to help the fund, or went out and bought some t-shirts or rob some banks, Marina is the only one who has used her considerable knowhow and connections to come up with the greatest fundraiser of all time. This makes George Bush Jr's use of his father's name (he uses it so well that he's basically used it as his own!) look rather limp.
Marina's passed around a jogathon card to raise millions by putting on display, some amazing gymnastic skills as she backflips, backtracks and bak kut tehs her way into her own backside in her comments to her own post about how NST is evil and bloggers are like the rebellion and she is like Luke Skywalker.

It's a trap! By Darth Kali, this time!

From her starting position, which is one never seen before in the world of gymnastics, Marina said,

"The point is, this sort of heavyhanded intimidation is an impediment to democracy because it impedes freedom of speech and limits our people's access to alternative views about current events. It insults all of us because it assumes that we cannot come up with the 'right' opinion if we are allowed to see all the different perspectives on a particular subject. It is a blatant form of censorship."

Let's try to keep a straight face here as we absorb her unique definition of why something is an impediment. But then, she executes a double reverse somersault and triple axle in her first comment, saying,

"I trust all of you are smart enough to know what is fair comment and what is not. And the implications on everybody of court actions like this. Nobody is saying that they should not take them to court but it is intimidating nevertheless. Yes, this will be a test case and that's fine."

So, now it seems, it's not that NST shouldn't take the bloggers Rocky and Jeff (not their real names, so as to protect their identity) to court, it's just that it's 'intimidating'.
So, does this mean it's OKAY to create "an impediment to democracy and limit our people's access to alternative views about current events?" To insult all of us and assume that we cannot come up with the 'right' opinion if we are allowed to see all the different perspectives on a particular subject?" "To blatantly censor?"
All this is now okay?

Or maybe, she didn't mean at all that being an impediment to democracy and free speech was a bad thing. That NST following in the footsteps of Lord President-sacking and ISA-invoking Tun Dr Mighty Mouse is a good thing. Since in the same comment, she states that,

"Yes,there are limits to freedom of speech. Question is, who defines it? In some countries, the government limits speech to only one approved language , cutting out the right of minority languages, and therefore peoples, to be heard. The principle of freedom of speech must be adhered to, to allow for people to understand the responsibility involved in that."

So, maybe she means that NST impeding free speech is a way to limit free speech and to make people responsible. Hmm, that's a good thought, Marina. Although all that jazz about limiting to one approved language is all over my head. I mean, geez, what do you expect? Road signs the size of the late Anna Nicole Smith's boobs so that 752408 different languages can be catered to?

God rest her face.

Never mind that, on to the next routine. And this time, it's a parallel double twist and quintuple rollover and beg.

"Folks, it's like this. The blogbros are being sued and that's a fact.They need support because they don't have the resources of the other side. So those who want to support, both morally and financially, do come forward.Let's not argue whether they are right or wrong before the court decides."

So, let's morally support people whether or not they're right or wrong. After all, what is morals but a stupid useless subject that my father decided we'd teach in school so people could go to SPM and memorise the 51 or so morals and pass the exam. Our education system is so stupid that Marina decided she'd send her own daughter overseas to study, unlike us poor dickheads, we'll just have to settle with being stupid.

I'm with stupid!

That's strange, because us poor like Kenny from South Park people never got the 'support' of people like Marina who have the 'resources'. But now, because a couple of bloggers yakkety-yakked too much, we should 'support' them with 'resources'?
But that's not the only highlight of this particular acrobatic move. Next, she said,

"And it would be good if the bloggerhood came together as a community. That in itself would be an achievement."

Oh, right. Come together, forget your own stuff and your own causes, let's all band together like some sort of brotherhood except with bloggers, and become like one hippie commune. Like communists. Yeah, free speech, meaning, all of us, come and join Marina and what she's trying to do. Yeah! Free Speech for Marina!

Another hood, back when all this bad spelling was cool.

Except when it's in a foreign language, no-ho.

"I publish all responses except those which are out of topic (can be slack on this), advertising and in foreign languages which I don't think most people will understand."

Thankfully, Marina is not the government, so in her blog, she can limit the languages and not cut out minority reports. All power to Marina the Blogger! She can do everything the NST can't, because bloggers are above the law!

Marina is higher than Judge Dredd cause he's only 'the law' not above it, for all eternity.

Yes, so high above the law, that when something goes wrong, she can just say, "they got lost" as was the case with several comments on her blog. And she can also blame "the system". Yes, everyone's fault, but my own.
But if you are garmen, wah, kenot! How can you not know about boats and private jets and stuff. Must know! Cannot 'get lost' and cannot 'blame the system'. Don't you know, only Supermarina can do such things?

Supermarina Returns!

The only way to stop Supermarina, is with Hypocritonite! Off, I go, to find some to save the day!

Suing is Wrong! Legal Action Is Wrong! Anarchy In The UK!

2007-01-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

Everyone's been expecting this, so let's not do the usual dramatic opening, like as if, it's a newsflash or something. You all know that I have to say something about this, so let's not kid ourselves about any 'surprise' factor.
Ok, ok, for all you surprise junkies, here, happy?

Holy shit!

The only surprise involved really, is that Marina, princess of the Yang Di-PerTun Mahathir, has decreed that

"the point is, this sort of heavyhanded intimidation is an impediment to democracy because it impedes freedom of speech and limits our people's access to alternative views about current events. It insults all of us because it assumes that we cannot come up with the 'right' opinion if we are allowed to see all the different perspectives on a particular subject. It is a blatant form of censorship."

Wow, it is an impediment because it impedes! How did you figure that one out, Marina?
Yes, suing is censorship, instead of a legal right. So, instead, NST must not sue, we must make sure that we impede NST's rights! Marina's on a roll! Go, Marina, shake that booty, break it down, go sista...
For those of you who have the mental capacity of a five-year-old and have trouble guessing what this is all about, or you're a reader of Screenshots, let me spell it out to you. This is in regards to the New Straits TimeSue bringing a defamation case against Jeff Ooi and Rocky, or rather, maybe just his Bru - can you imagine a man without his Bru? That's like an Ostrich without its Emu.
So, according to Marina, suing people, which is totally allowed for in any democratic country is an impediment to freedom of yadayadablablablaohmygodisthisthemostboringwomanonearthorwhat but removing the Lord President and scything down dissenting voices via ISA is not? Daddy must be real proud of you now.
Thanks to Pops, if I met the Three Stooges at a street corner and had a little Slapstick convention, all that kerfuffle could lead to us being arrested as
amendments made to the Police Act states that any public meeting of more than three people without a police permit can be declared an illegal assembly, punishable by a fine of up to RM10,000 and a year in jail.

Moe, Larry and Curly got their street-cred from fighting the man, back when colour wasn't funny.

Shit! Maybe they should set up that legal fund for bloggers after all! But not for Ooi or Bru, for poor bloggers like me!
Because like The Scribe says,

"Seperti umum sedia maklum, there’s no money in blogging. In fact bloggers spend their own money and spare their own time to manage their blogs for the benefit of visitors and debaters. They do not have the money and the expertise to fight corporations like the NSTP."

But The Scribe is a blogger, so is Ooi and Bru. But they seem to have the expertise to fight corporations like NST. The Scribe Formerly Known as NST GEIC, spent years there running the company to the ground and ended up tearing a chunk of it off with him.
Bru spent years NOT working at Malay Mail but still collected a healthy salary and a big bonus prize at the end for volunteering to split from the company and help by hauling out a heavy bag of rubbish filled with nearly half a million RM1 notes. So much so that he's trying to lighten his load by passing 100 of them to Ooi. So brotherly and loving of those two. RM100 man. Gua caya sama lu la Rocky.
Ooi? Let's not even start with how he's made his fortune fighting corporations like NST. One look at his hypnotisingly horrible mug at the bottom corner of his web-'sight' (hurt, hurh, hurh) will make you want to click on all his ads like a rabid raccoon.

Must. Click. Ads. Now.

Meanwhile, the legions of adoring fans of anything that is anti-establishment have picked up sticks and are now drumming in unison to the tune of Bloggers Unite! Unite Tonite!
The consensus is basically that NST seeking legal redress against bloggers is wrong! Wrong! You cannot sue! That is against freedom of speech! Because, you are saying that what I am saying is not true. You cannot say that! That is against my freedom of speech! Suing is undemocratic! Undemocratic! Walaupun all democratic countries allow for defamation suits, NST tak boleh! NST tak democratic!
This despite the fact that even in Fejj Iio's unside-down world, he's actually put things like "The Internet does not operate in a legal vacuum!" and also, well, he's censored comments from commentors himself, asking people not to get him in trouble by exercising their freedom of speech because he's already gotten into hot soup for exercising his own freedom of speech.
You see, it only operates in the vivaciously vacuous vacuums of the minds of dumbass bloggers who've put this cute, little icon all over their blogs.

Yes, just hit the key and we can exit this game. What do you mean we're not playing a game, all our stupid lives?

Clicking on that button with a button on it will not take you to nude pics of the Pussycat Dolls but here. This is where you can read the incoherent rantings of someone who has declared war on NST. War! You know, like how Estonia might declare war on Russia, that country whose army consists of a few patrol boats, some slingshots and a fart-spray.
Not only has he declared war, he's declared Jihad! Donning his, well, whatever is his religious costume, he's said that God has Spoken! Yes, God! Allah! Tuhan! Who is this God? He doesn't specifically say, but he does link to a lot of other people on that post. Are they God? Who is God? Oh my God, the existential crisis!

If God had a name, would it be Marina...

Meanwhile, in the epicentre of the Bloggers United movement, is the rather conflicted Susan Loone, who is fighting for human right and free speech for all - but no porn.
Yes, you can organise protests, boycotts, put out ridiculous icons and stuff, but no porn. Porn Bad - against freedom of speech. You know, when the mouth is full of dick, you can't say shit.

Bloggers sans Porntiers.

So, it's been a sad, sad start to the year for democracy in Malaysia. Lim Kit Siang said it best when he said,

"It will have far-reaching consequences for the healthy, mature and democratic growth for free speech and expression, not only on the Internet but in the country as a whole."

I agree. Now that it is considered immoral to bring civil suits against others, bloggers can continue to post unhealthy, immature and undemocratic rubbish with no fear of being smacked around for it. What a step backward for Malaysia.
Tune in to the next update, where Potshots compiles thought-provoking, eye-poking, mind-blowing comments from the Blogtasia!

Quick Quake in Nonexistent Nation Causes Communication Chaos UPDATE

2006-12-29T10:42:00.000+08:00

Run! Put your satchel on your head! It is an earthquake! Assume the position! These and other things were recorded by my Little Earthworm Correspondents from Taiwan, who lived through the recent earthquake that stroked the island - thankfully they were underground through the whole thing and escaped the attentions of that grumpy sky-god that causes earthquakes.

Putting your satchel on your head will protect you from many small objects, such as raindrops, which might fall on you, during any earthquake.

Although I myself am still struggling with the concept of an earthquake happening in a country that doesn't exist, my Little Earthworm was quick to tell me to cease with the pro-China propaganda and concentrate on the real issue - as a result of the quake, many of the magical elvish Tubes that make up the Internet (YouTube, MicrosoftUbe etc.) were damaged, resulting in an unprecedented Internet Breakdown the likes of which has never been seen since the last time Streamyx went all fucked-up sideways, i.e. yesterday.

Authorities are on the hunt for the Disembodied Hand of God, that caused this quake and all others, across history.

Thankfully due to the fact that my world-renowned website runs on bio-ethanol and is equipped with gyroscopes, Potshots escaped the problems and remained UP for the duration of the rest of the losers' problems. However there was an outage for various sites, including that of Ketua Semua Kutu Jeff Ooi, whose blog Screenshots exploded in a ball of flames and had to be reconstructed with sellotape, used paper napkins and shredded copies of the New Straits Times. Thankfully my Earthworms report that Screenshots is now as good as it was before the quake struck.

What with that giant bulls-eye painted over it and all, it's no surprise that the Disembodied Hand of God loves poking Taiwan, all the time.

Jeff has also noted the contribution of my Premier Content Partner Google in diverting traffic and unblocking tubes to keep the Asian Internet moving along. In a very timely warning at the end of his post, he stated that
"Geeks at LowYat.net also offer some very good solutions to mitigate the Internet snarl. Just that bandwidth is scarce commodity at the moment, hopefully none will abuse the proxy servers to play Internet games."

This I wholeheartedly agree with!!! How dare this sort of geek/nerd/punk/goth person abuse the precious, precious Bandwidth Jelly to fuel his debauched lust for defeating +15Z Barbarians and conquering +36D Tavern Wenches?

Abuse, I tell you! This is abuse! And abuse it will stay, forever!

Of course, it would be an entirely different matter if this offending geek utilised the precious bandwidth to make hopelessy obtuse and self-referential posts filled with the worst metaphors since the time that guy said the Internet was a bunch of tubes. It would also be fine if he used the bandwidth to give needless and witless props to his homies, who continue to like him due to the fact that he is inexplicably more popular than they, despite their superior talent, a state of affairs which may have created an attention-seeking complex in the poor buggers. Similarly, it would be a justifiable, even laudable, use of bandwidth to shamelessly lick the balls of his sponsors by concocting posts about stupid contests that they see fit to organise, ignoring the blatant lack of relevance or newsworthiness or even interest value of the plug that he's making, thus proving to all and sundry that he is in fact a whore, always available to the highest bidder, political master or any well-wisher who may come bearing gifts of mobile phones and/or free trips. All those things would be fine utilisations, and not an abuse of bandwidth at all.

So quit sitting there minding your own business, being entertained by your electronic game nonsenses, get up and start changing the world by becoming a corrupt political dogsbody today - it's what the Internet Tubes were designed for.

EDIT! LATE UPDATE!

Yes, this is a late edit because you can't have your cake and edit - and so only after all the New Year calorie-bration (which is either a celebration with a lot of calories or a calibration with a lot of calories. Some might say it's the same thing, if you're Kate Moss) can I update you with this new bout of Moronicity (which is 50 miles due Stupid of Idiocity) from the Star - although they never really tell us which one they are, so they should really be called, a Star.

Kate Moss, not afraid to show off her body since there's not much of it anyway, ever since she substituted carbs with another white starchy thing called coke.

After the quake hit, A Star was all abuzz with panic and widespread fumbleedegooks over being cut off from the rest of the world, despite still being on the same damn round thing called Earth.

Yellow lines denote how we're being fenced in by our lack of logic, when the Internet goes down.

Their panic was so unchecked that someone managed to sneak in a story about the woe and plight of bloggers. Witness, the notoriously named (but not for much else), KinkyBlueFairy who "said she only managed to upload a few sentences onto her blog," which must've been the only good news to come out of this Divine Punishment on the human race. In fact, this news is of such a grand scale that we'd really consider it Divine Reward instead now. Holy Father, how could we ever have doubted your ways?

"It is really getting to me because I have all my information and contacts online and I cannot get my work done,” said Wong, who is known as KinkyBlueFairy online.

she continued to babble to a reporter who obviously wasn't doing her job properly. The real story is someone who calls herself KinkyBlueFairy online and has all her info and contacts online. Now, what does that sound like to you?

Well, just use your damn imagination, for once.

But let us spare a moment of silence for the irrevocable pain and suffering caused to student Adrian Teh, 22, who blogs and reads his friends' posts regularly, said he felt hopeless. Noor Faridah Zulkiflie was planning to revert to paper and pen since she was unable to post her blogs online.
"I feel wretched now because I have lots of pent-up feelings but unfortunately cannot write about them," said the 22-year-old student.

Hopeless, wretched, having to use paper and pen. These are the misadventures, of the Blogtropica.

ARGH! In the Blogtropica, recently.

But speaking of not doing his/her job, A Star's Penang correspondent must be awarded 2006's Most Hopeless Piece of Reportage Eva award. In this piece of wtf journalism, s/he wrote,

Tourist David Persson, 20, managed to upload his travel pictures but it took him more than an hour to do the normally 10-minute job.
"I read online that there was an earthquake in Taiwan which damaged undersea cables," said the Swede who together with his friend Philip Stahl, also 20, is on a six-month trip across China and South-East Asia.

Wow, what an amazing and unremovable quote. Thanks to some smelly Mat Salleh tourist, we can now confirm this news to you. AN EARTHQUAKE IN TAIWAN DAMAGED UNDERSEA CABLES. It doesn't matter if authorities from the Intergalactic High Commission of Cabled Communication made a statement. Nothing is fact, until some Swedish backpackers tell us it is so.

Thus sayeth the Swede Tourist, in the omnipresent eternity.

It's The End Of The Year As We Know It!

2006-12-24T13:44:00.000+08:00

Whoopdeedoodiddlydumdumbebop. It's about that time of the year to go party, exchange presents, kisses under mistletoe and celebrate a new year which will be exactly like the one before except with better technology and better ways to waste it.
First and foremost, Merry Christmas. Yes, I can wish that to you because I am not Muslim. But I only wish it to people who are not Muslim because it would insult Islam if I did. So, Merry Christmas to all except Jeff bin Ooi who is apparently a Melayu with a lot of Malay brethren.
Why our good friend had to point out the fact that most civil servants are Malays in his post, I have no idea, but then, Ooi likes to play the race card rather so often because as we all know, he's a racy ol' chap.

A sore dick by any other name, for far too long.

Walaubagaimanapun, it is still the time of the year to reflect, and for those of us who are not mirrors, to think back on what has happened in the last 12 months, 365 days, 385854287 hours, 290580743987420 minutes, 37501-81-1=6-3 seconds or 3 squitonings.
For Daft Oi, the most significant thing has been the appearance of spam comments on my blog. Because of that, I must now turn off anonymous comments here. This is in no way a personal attack on all the anonymous commenters who are actual people because I really don't know who you guys are. Seriously, I don't. I mean, I don't even know your name.
Some may accuse Daft Oi of being a hypocrite for removing this right to anonymous free speech. But Daft Oi knows no hypocrisy. Literally, he doesn't even know what it means or how it's spelt. I copy and pasted from the crack in the space-time continuum when KarTun shook hands with George Sorok-Duit.

Ommm, H, ommm, Y, omm P...

Berkaitan dengan itu, it seems that for Saudara Mohd Jeff bin Ooizaffar Syeikh, he simply wants to Forget 2006. He does that, by recounting the events of 2006 which best serve his interest. Wow, I wish I had thought of that earlier. Forget by remembering. I mean, it's so diabolical it just might work!
With this new mind-boggling technique, we have in our hands, a great solution to all the racial undercurrents of our beloved tanahair. Simply remember with great passion, loathing and hate, the events of May 13, the blood spilt by the Communists, the scholarships lost to some MARA students who got the answers to the SPM exam two weeks in advance, the Chinese jeweller who sold you an authentic 100% aluminium 92.5 silver jewelry, the Indian lawyer who promised represent you in court but was two hours late because he was out drinking last night. Remember, and let's live 2007 in total muhibbahness, niggahs!

Remember, remember, the 13th of Mayvember.

And for 2007, what plans does Daft Oi have? Well, I have plans to be an F1 driver, an astronaut, a movie star, pop idol and war general! Ambitious? Ridiculous? WTF? No, definitely not.
According to the most impressive Log-Ooi-c that we have used before, if you've ever been on a boat, then you must surely want to be a sailor.
So, I've been to an F1 race before, a planetarium, cinema, bought some CDs and also visited an army barracks. It won't be long, my dear readers, before I am reporting about my adventures of racing in outer space while gunning down even Martians and making a movie about it which will be, yes, you guessed it, a musical!

Flash ain't got shit on me, in 2007.

On that note, I guess it won't be long either before Jeff becomes Jeff of the Jungle, King of the Borneon Orang Utans.
After all, he's been photographed like this,

So it looks like a wonderful 2007 for humanity in general. So long as we keep global warming down, if not, it'll all go Waterworld-like. And you seriously do not want to be living in a bad Kevin Costner movie, nosirreesahludacris.

Wish for something to suck on ends in formation of new religion

2006-12-09T11:05:00.000+08:00

Dear readers, my fellow humans and worms,

We live in times of great incertainty, and perhaps even outcertainty. It is a world where a wish for braces actually causes a motorcycle accident to happen, as evidenced by this headline in the Noobs Traits Times. Clearly the motorcycle accident would not have happened if the purpose of the journey had been, say, to buy some porno VCDs or to rob a jewellers' or something less innocent and sweet and touching than going out for braces. Obviously the braces caused the accident. Beware, all ye who seek straight teeth, for a horrible crashy death awaits thee!

Wish for attention ends in awful tragedy, some weeks past.

It is precisely in such a faithless world that we need, well, a new faith, to shine in the dark vacuum left by other faiths and also to fill it with a sort of whooshy noise that will herald the end of the vacuum which arrived way back when, with a sort of sucky noise, when everything got sucked out to leave empty space. Who better to think up such a religion than the Blog-God himself, Jeff Ooidelolly? Jeff has for a while been occupied by the mystery of why people who want a smoke will buy cigarettes rather than newspapers. Well, Jeff, having tried it out myself, I can - I mean sorry, having heard about it from one of my Little Earthworms I can attest to the fact that it's all really quite simple. You see, the state of 'high' provided by smoking newsprint is definitely present, but it's totally not mellow man, and leaves you just in a state of totally gnarly paranoia. It's all that ink and gunk, dude. Not to mention the foreign news pages. Trippy. Not cool. Hence one is much better off smoking cigarettes, which everyone knows are legal because they just give you cancer straight up, without any kind of pesky highs or lows. No, just pure cancer, the way Ibu Alam Semulajadi intended it. I'd like to announce, to Jeff and anyone else who might be wondering, that that's why Malaysian smokers buy more cigarettes than newspapers. They just don't want to smoke newspapers.

Kids, by the way, do not try any of that at home, because that Little Earthworm I was just telling you about, he's got awful breath and his clothes reek, they smell just like that segment of hell that's reserved for tobacco company execs. Trippy. Not cool.

Aviator pigs, they don't like to get high / Except if and unless they get high in the sky / Otherwise they just want to get cancer and die, eventually.

Not having the access to smelly little earthworms that I have, Jeff needed to look elsewhere for his answer, and where did he turn but to God? As indicated by a sentence from this post it's clear that Jeff believes that God is in fact Prof. Dr. Abdul Rashid Moten. Jeff has founded a new religion called Motenism (not to be confused with Modernism, which involved lots of intelligence and talent, two things that Motenists wholeheartedly attempt to eradicate from their lives, following the example of Chief Poobah Grand Motenist Jeff Ooi, the only man ever to have been born with neither intelligence nor talent). Motenism, my Earthworms tell me, revolves around the practise of gathering to listen to God, who recites tired old jokes that everyone has heard before, in front of a congregation of idiots who actually haven't, and then uses the power of their mighty pretensions towards wit to try and compromise the structural integrity of the place of worship. As Jeff puts it, Talking of God, Prof Dr Abdul Rashid Moten (IIUM) shared an anecdote that almost brought down the roof as he was closing his session at the Aidcom Conference yesterday.

It's usually quite easy to tell when the Motenists have been by, recently.

It appears that, having been touched by his new faith, Jeff now wants to convert all bloggers to it. I say yes, why not! Let us all blog as Motenist brothers! Having been all fired up by our new, ultra-moten religion, we must now all join Jeff in the call to power that he voices in this post, where he repudiates some alleged 'journalist' for arrogantly suggesting that just because the most popular political blogger in Malaysia is a total nitwit, the people's love affair with blogging is a mere 'fascination'. And I quote:
There was one editor from the mainstream media who, on one hand, said change taking place on the online platform must be fostered, but one the other was exasperated by the present crowd that is "too fascinated with blogging" -- as if blogging will soon die a passing fad.
His kind will be rudely shocked. More power from Malaysians is being harnessed to power the blogosphere here, with punch and finesse.
Yeah man, Jeff!!!! Alright-tuh!!!! LET'SA FIGHTING!!! Protect my balls!!! Punch AND finesse!!!! You tell 'em, Jefffoboy!!! If Jeff's punch don't get you, his finesse certainly will, because you'll spend so much time hunting for any traces of it that he'll be able to sneak up to you and punch you again before you find any. No way you'll find it before he manages to sneak up to you, since mathematically speaking any search for something that's not in existence will theoretically go on forever, according to My Momma's law of Why Do You Waste Your Time Reading That Garbage. Similar effects have been noted in people who read this site seeking things that are humourous, for example.

Oh Lawd, you got served, just now.

So Jeff, know that we are behind you as committed Motenists. We will carry the process of Motenisation through to the pre-Moten people and spread the blessings of Motenity far and wide. And one day, when we have done our work, I - Daft Oi, your beloved - will step up to the plate and present a whole new paradigm, as the world's first Postmotenist.

The Internet Makes You Stupid (2)

2006-11-05T22:20:00.000+08:00

Have you missed me, my dear patriotlings? No? Well, not like it makes a difference. Here's the Potshots update which is late but who's looking at dates, certainly not me, I don't do dates, I mostly just have girls lying around all over the place!

Last month, we left you with the fatal conclusion that the internet makes you stupid. This week, more evidence to silence all critics - living, dead, or in a comatose state of reading Screenshots. My Little Earthworms have found out that a majority of Malaysian internet users are either on dialup or streamyx. Case closed.
But I promised, nonetheless, that I would bring you even more damning evidence, since evidence is my favourite sort of thing to talk about, unlike other bloggers who talk about feelings, nothing more than feelings. Even if it's the feeling up of something irrelevant.

Prime blogging material, for today's soppy blogger.

Damning evidence, ladies and gentlemen, is the bedrock of all creation. One day, when you find yourself naked and surrounded by other bewildered folk and a big faceless guy is sitting with a book on his lap, you'll get what I mean. Damning evidence will be brought to you to cast you into eternal damnation. Enjoy the ride. It doesn't get any better.
But I talk too much about what I want to talk about instead of talking it. Or something.
The damning evidence, I present to you, is, that in spite of what Jeff Ooi-I-Can-See-Your-Answers and Rock-Paper-Scissors-Copy-Your-Answers Bru might say, they should be the last to try and point out something else as plagiarism.
It's like a Black Hole calling a WWE fan a sucker. Haha, see, I made up my own phrase, any other lesser blogger would've used that stupid aunty's saying about pots and kettles and stuff we don't use anymore.

A relic of, the past.

But back to my point, remember in this post back in April 21. No, that wasn't a question, that was an order. Remember it.
Now in recent times, Jeff Pencurooi, has also used screen captures (notice how I voided the use of the other term for getting an image from your computer screen as to avoid dumb accusations of plagiarism) of his Gmail account. Of course, they're not of the exact same part of the screen, but then, Brendan of the Prairie didn't use the exact same words either, did he? And you hordes of wild cannibals aren't giving him any quarter, chicken, duck, 25 US cents or otherwise.
Not only has Pencurooi plagiarised, he's plagiarised me! How dare he! But there are other examples of his nefarious and hypocritical behaviour. Take my hand and follow me on this adventure, and if you're a really fit chick, take hold of any appendage you see fit, or even if you don't see it. Or even if it's not fit. Just hold me, baby!

Oh, this is friggin original, Jeff, like, nobody's ever thought of this before.

Furthermore, many of you would've noticed his Videocast (oh, my, I bet you didn't copy that either) called Whatzzup! Never mind that that's one of the most ridiculous names to use, he obviously didn't cite Budweiser as his source. So how now, Pak Jeff? Ini semua lu guna ada bayar ka? Probably not, considering his kiasuness is only matched by Daft Oi's manliness.

From the original motion picture, Whassup. Look at me being a responsible blogger quoting his source right now.

Even in the throes of his money-pinching ways, Jeff The Tiny Toolbox Man can't seem to quite be original. I mean, it's not like you're being asked to be creative for free... but nonetheless, compare KG810 has a touch-sensitive keypad under the external screen with The device also has a touch-sensitive keypad under the external screen. The first is from Mr Toolbox-to-Make-Up-For-My-Own-Tool and the second, from www.mobile-info.info, published six months before our own one-man Plagiarism Police was busy trying to figure out how to write a review for a review phone that he had abused by giving it to his daughter so that she could be cool enough for the guys at school to notice her.

Jeff, that's not the K810, get that out of your hands, now!

Need I say more? No, I don't, but I will. Because we're not done yet with plagiarism amongst such luminaries in Sunset Bloglevard, Bloglywood. Enter, the one, the only, the undisputed champion of the most cheap-ass drunkards in the world, Press Club President, Rocky bin Bru. Huzzah! Whatever that means.
Our Bro Bru Bra Bri Bre, has been busy using the plagiarism card to justify all and sundry, by that, I mean his outstanding bill at the sundry shop. In one of his latest tak-sedar-diri entries, he writes,

"Senior editors appointed by the Prime Minister to head the NSTP write blatant lies in their columns and plagiarize, and Zahid has never lifted a finger. He should know better than ask unethical journalists to deflect the blogs for the government when they could not even defend themselves against these blogs!"

Never mind that by the same token, Turtles have never tried to defend themselves against monkeys, but does Rocky, who still proudly waves a banner that he used to be an Executive editor for Malay Mail, really believe that mainstream journalists are unethical? And this all happened, what, over the past six months? You really mean to tell us that right after you left your cushy part-time job at Malay Mail, things went haywire?

You might think this is how Rocky spent his retirement days after Malay Mail. No, this is how he spent Malay Mail into retirement, back in the day.

Let us give you the benefit of the doubt, because after all, the benefit of VSS obviously wasn't enough for you. So how is it, the Great Decider of All Matters Plagiatric, who while in cahoots with Ahirocky Altantuya, proclaimed Brendan a Plagiarist, also pointed out to two occasions where a Malay Mail journo also plagiarised WHILE UNDER ROCKY'S WATCH.
OMFG! What can this possibly mean? Yes, it's a case of the Black Hole and the WWE Fan, ladies and gentlemen.

Watches, something Rocky has no concept of, given the sort of hours you'd have found him in Malay Mail, which is next to never.

So, the last piece of the puzzle then, why did Brendan resign, other than the obvious and therefore impossible to be true fact that he just wanted to? Well, Groupie Edit Brendan of the Prairie has been known to sport a rather ridiculous-looking moustache which has been affecting operations at NST. First of all, those under his charge find it hard to take him seriously, secondly, it has been causing all sorts of havoc with the computers due to the large amount of static electricity created by that frictitious flock of follicles.
But it is difficult to fire a man because of a (super)natural growth of hair, and it was a fortunate last straw for NST, when he was found to be constantly harassing his bald colleagues. Here is a man with too much hair in the wrong place making fun of the bald pates of fellow editors. Such cruelty cannot be tolerated at a company like NST, which has a history of being kind and generous - allowing the Star to run so far ahead in circulation, allowing deadweight to leave with a golden handshake via VSS...

Another moustachioed man, yesterday.

So, there you have it, the utter and final truth, from Daft Oi, where else?

The Internet Makes You Stupid

2006-11-05T01:29:00.000+08:00

So prophesied the wise people at Something Awful, a piece of advice, obviously not heeded by the Malaysian public at large, for when have we ever listened to good advice. And that's why we continue to celebrate such things as condensed milk, Mawi, and Ops Sikap every Syawal.

As all of us will very well know, or not know at all, many quarters, more than four quarters in fact, which is a logical paradox, have claimed and been rejoicing like dirty old men who just pinched Jessica Alba's butt, that the New Body of Dirty Water between Malaysia and Sumatra Times Groupie Edit, Brendan of the Prairie, has decided to let the people have what they deserve - crap newsmanship.
For before he came along, NST was filled with page one stories of Mahathir, Dr Mahathir. Strangely enough, NST was criticised for that then, as they are for NOT filling the cover with the KarTun nowadays. Go figure.

The face of Mahathir, disseminated across the Straits, until 2003.

Crap newsmanship, ladies, gentlemen and politicians, has been what Malaysians have been crying out for every since Brendan came into the position of Executioner of Edited News at Malaysia's No.1 newspaper for schools. And finally, the good Agen Singapura who is actually a Malaysian unlike Rocky of the Rocky not Creamy and Smooth like Starbucks Bru, has decided to stop taking abuse for no reason whatsoever. Mad, isn't he? Free abuse, and he's turning it down.

A kind of brew that is also quite chunky, yesterday. However, no plagiarism is involved, ever.

The oft-cited reason, is that he stepped down amidst controvery and disgrace, amidst claims of plagiarism, vandalism, hooliganism and patriotism. Amidst the crime of doing his job, working his butt off and making other people look bad.

The chief amongst his accusers, is Jeffdas Iscarooit, himself, who for so long pissed blood on KarTun Drama Mahathir's regime only now to berpeluk-peluk with the Commoner and Malaysian Citizen, because Iscarooit too believes himself a Commoner and Malaysian Citizen, unlike the rest of us, who are not Commoners and Malaysian Citizens apparently, who he refuses to even salam or give a high five.
Ooi has been going around his circle of friends, cronies, supposed mistresses and his readersheep of kindergarden students who haven't learned to think for themselves, yelling "Plagiarism!" like the boy who cried "Wu Liao! Wolves, man!"
According to his learned self, Brendan plagiarised from famed but totally overrated Detroit Free Press and Massage columnist Mitch Albom, in his editorial piece How Dearly We Miss June 6.
This resulted in a rabbling mass of uneducated, railings against the Groupie Edit. Here were a bunch of people pretending they knew what was going on about, simultaneously claiming that they know Mitch Albom, yet at the same time that 'people' didn't and Brendan should have cited the source, so as to not confuse the 'people' as to who originally came up with the idea - also known as a literary device, you lamebrains. Professor of Lasvicious Literary Linguistics, Littel Birdanathan had this to say, "It seems somewhat strange to me that whether a piece is considered plagiarism or not depends on whether the people are literate enough to have read the supposed piece from which it plagiarised. Meaning, if your readership are a bunch of people who can't tell a book from a doorstop, it's plagiarism, as decided by the illiterates. Ironic and paradoxical, if you ask me."

LOL, today.

Asking Brendan to cite his source? Is there no sense of mystery left in our good nation, which came up with such wonderful myths and legends as Hang Tuah just like they're gonna hang Hussein? Or the titillating tale of Mahsuri, who flowed white blood upon penetration.
So, perhaps, they'd prefer a country where we explained all our little subtleties. For people to conscientiously ask, "geddit?" at the end of the joke and then explain it away anyway.
I'm sure Ooi is an expert on this, a man who constantly assumes (rightly, of course) that his readers are idiots and proceeds to explain everything step-by-step, making us wonder why he didn't just give us the straightforward story, instead of using dumb analogies and French words which he then proceeds to explain and link online dictionaries to.

Disgusted by Ooi's analogy, half a century ago.

Later on, Ooi put two and two together and got 5. You know, because that's how his readers add their sums too in their maths workbooks. With the NST then announcing Brendan's resignation, Ooi conveniently linked the two together so that he could disgrace a man who, well, had nothing to do with him in the first place. I guess this is some sort of hobby for Ooi, you know, bad poetry, bad writing and bad logic.
Of course, anyone with half a brain would be able to see how if Brendan was only leaving NST at the end of the year, NST could've postponed the announcement until later, letting the entire half-arsed plagiarism idea disappear first if they actually felt the plagiarism was a factor at all. But expecting Ooi and his posse to have half a brain, is like expecting Malaysians to stop ogling at roadside accidents.
Instead, Ooi chose to ignore what everyone already knew, that since last year, Brendan had already been seeking to leave his cosy position of being fucked left, right and centre everyday (could be doggy-style, too) by the supposedly righteous opposition to government oppression. Guess Ooi has too short a memory or his Little Birds just aren't as good as my Earthworms.

The surgeon-general warns you reading Screenshots regularly is harmful to your health, if you do it daily.

But never mind that, instead, whenever two things happen in quick succession they must and inescapably be linked. This makes no sense, like how Ooi wants to say NO to monopoly of Chinese media by having no updates of Screenshots for three days. Yes, sure, so that when people are avoiding Chinese newspapers, they also have no Screenshots to read. That really solves the problem.
I think instead, he should be thankful to monopolies, because they have given him such a holiday more than once.

Incurring the ire of Jeff Ooi, every time it announces its gajillion dollar profits.

But going by Ooi's logic, I think we have more to be worried about than some editor somewhere supposedly plagiarising. I think we should rally together to close down Screenshots. Look, on Oct 12, Ooi gave us this banal discourse on democracy which he, of course, didn't plagiarise from some library book somewhere, stating that,

A true parliamentary democracy should have all the governments at the federal, state and municipal levels elected by the constituents through public voting.

On the same day, it was reported that there can be no democracy in Iraq in the near future. Surely, those two events must be linked. They happened ON THE SAME DAY!

Also, "U can't shut people up,", screamed another Ooi headline last month, which must've resulted in the alleged gag order on NST staff concerning the BBC's report on Brendan's departure which NST threatens to sue BBC for.
A GAG ORDER, I tell you, by a company on its staff concerning a matter which might go to court! How can a company do such a thing! Protecting itself in a possible lawsuit! That's not democratic, that's not civilised! I don't think Ooi will ever issue a gag order on himself if he were to be taken to court. No, he'll continue to spout off nonsense everyday!

What is the BBC ruckus all about? Well, their Malaysian correspondent, Jonathan Kent, who mainly covers the pub beat and whose close sources include deadbeats like has-been writers and bloggers (yes, this is scintillating journalism at its best), decided that whatever Ooi and his Bot Army must be saying is true. Because they're anti-government, and anti-government = truth. Nevermind that he works for the government-funded BBC.
In his story, he wrote,

The New Straits Times is owned by the political party of the prime minister.
Malaysia's broadcasters and newspapers are closely controlled by the government and no mention of the scandal has appeared in print.
However, the government has promised not to censor the internet and it appears that Malaysia's online watchdogs have claimed their first major scalp.

Well, if NST does sue then they will be suing the BBC, which is funded by the government of the prime minister, isn't it? Ignoring the patently anti-Malaysian tone of the next paragraph, the last para seems to intimate a bunch of Malaysian bloggers celebrating over the 'difference' they have made. Yes, the difference a football team also makes when it steps onto the pitch, kicks off, and scores a goal! Except that there are no opponents playing against them. Fun, isn't it?

Nobody's gonna stop her, literally, now.

This claim of plagiarism was also supported by one Sharon Bakar, who shares her name with a mad Israeli premier and also an incendiary word in Malay. Guess that makes her somewhat qualified to speak on the matter. Just like Kent, she too used her psychic British powers to figure out what these damn Asians were thinking. She wrote,

it is quite clearly plagiarism. brendon.(Brendan?) took the framework of an article written by someone else and used it to support his own article.
if the article he had taken had been known to the wider malaysian public and if he had used it as a basis for a humourous or ironic piece which built in some sense on the original article, that would not have been plagiarism. [...] brendon just took and hoped no-one would notice. and perhaps the worst crime of all - the original piece is powerful and eloquent, while brendon's prose is laboured and earth-bound.

She self-defined plagiarism, then decided what was Brendan's intentions and then made a critique of his writing, all in one fell swoop. If indeed, it was true that Brendan lifted so much of Albom's work, then why is his piece "laboured and earth-bound"? Just because he's Indian and not Caucasian? Isn't it a bit racist to use the terms laboured and earth-bound in reference to Brendan?
But forget all that, "Sharon is a British who has lived in Malaysia for more than 20 years. She writes on books for a number of publications and teaches creative writing," insists Ooi, making her a "foreigner who knows Malaysia". Why a 'creative writing expert' who 'knows Malaysia' is a qualified spokesperson on a matter or 'journalism' is beyond me, unless Ooi is sayin that journalism is creative writing. Oh, wait...

At least she's hotter than Sharon, any damn day of the week, man.

But wait a minute, is it just me, or has Malaysia simply regressed 50 years in a couple of days? Are we going back to listening to what a couple of British hacks have to say? I thought that these bloggers and whatnot were pro-Malaysia? Real patriots? Or is the definition of Malaysia "British Colony" still?

But my dear friends, have a think about all this, and I shall be back with more, on how of all people Ooi and his main Bumiputera Brother, Rocky, should be the last people to accuse anyone of plagiarism. In the meantime, feel free to use any of the literary devices that I have myself lifted, in your own writing, be they journalistic, creative or erotic (send me a sample though).

Deeper Valley, Hairy Raya and Other Stupid Jokes

2006-10-24T21:56:00.000+08:00

Stupid jokes, the very core of all humanity.
It is in such a spirit that I come to you now in this season of festivities - in my humble humanity, instead of my raging masculinity, a masculinity that rages with all the power of five-day-old dog markings.
In order not to offend my Muslim brothers, I shall not wish any of those heathen Hindus anything but 'hope you had a nice Saturday' and to all my tired, hungry, foul-breathed inheritors of heaven and many virgin hos, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin, whoever these Zahir and Batin people are.

Golly, asking for forgiveness sure looks like a whole lotta fun, every year.

First let me explain that my sudden burst of activity has not been prompted by any illegal substance, but instead, by that much-loved Malaysian habit of curi ayam. Yes, just like many of you other lazy turds, I have skipped off from work this fateful Monday.
What did you guys spend your time doing? Eating ketupat? Dying on the road? Downloading pr0n? Whatever it is, rest assured that none of you cabut kerja to such great effect as Daft Oi himself.

Selamat Hari Raya, during balik kampung.

What I did was surf, ever so innocently to the Master of Ceremonial Self-Killings, Jeff Seppukooi. I then found this smorgasbord of buttons going down the side of his blog, like how all those adult singles sites keep informing you of so many Russian-looking girls who reside in Ampang or Petaling Jaya. What? I heard from a friend.

Jeff Ooi could use some of this, since he's keeping it real, alwiz.

One of them was called Screenshots Pantun. What? Could this be for real? Could it possibly be? The man with the most overactive imagination in the world was finally putting it to use in the arts!
Wow! So let's see what sort of gems he's come up with? The answer? None. It's actually all other people's shit. Haha, should've known. The old Geezer couldn't rhyme to save his life. I mean, this is a guy who thought Whatzzup! was a catchy name.

In fact, he's even come up with simple DIY tips. So generous of our good 'ol Jeff.

The common ones have the most basic form of even-numbered lines based on an a-b-a-b rhyming scheme. As a rule of thumb, a 'perfect' pantun that does not deviate from the rhythm will have between 8 and 12 syllables in every line. For example:

Buah cempedak di luar pagar,
Ambil galah tolong jolokkan;
Saya budak baru belajar,
Kalau salah tolong tunjukkan.

Wow. An example of a perfect pantun, as proclaimed by Baba Ah Ooi himself.
But the big as a turd from an elephant on laxatives issue is that all this time I have been wondering, why the hell is the Mighty One spending time on other people's poems?

After jolokking the cempedak, juice it for a nice, refreshing drink, on a hot afternoon.

As always, I spent some time trying to figure out ol' Jeff.
Five seconds later, I had it. It was yet another piece of self-promotion! Haha, should've known, silly me. Ooi has been known to use anything to further his own agenda, so why not the age-old tradition of pantun? Now, all you have to do is send the pantun that most describes his plan to rule the world, and you'll win a new phone, courtesy of LG, the company that helps feed Ooi's bastard children everyday.
Be careful, each SMS will cost you RM1. So, all readers of Screenshots, please ask your parents' permission first before SMSing and get them to help you with the spelling and make it a family activity during this festive season!
But please send an SMS, each SMS will go to paying for Ooi's plastic surgery, from which he hopes to come out with a face as beautiful as those phones he keeps raving about. Your SMS alone might not change a single pimple on his face, but together, we can make Michael Jackson look like a soap-and-water minimalist.

You can help this man lead a normal life. SMS today.

How about also dropping an email to us, telling us if you'd prefer the newlook Jeff to be pink, white or classic black. No, no, I mean his face.

So, in the spirit of Hari Raya, I too have sent in a pantun to help Jeff. It goes something like this,

Orang gila makan chapati,
Chapati dimakan orang gila,
Jeff Ooi memang hodoh macam babi,
SMSlah supaya Tuan akan jelita.

Kia Picanto - would the plural be Picantos or Picantoes?

2006-10-16T23:38:00.000+08:00

Yes, and as promised, this humble apprentice motoring journalist will attempt to disprove the lackadaisical (the lacking of daisies) attitudes of Shannon Teoh, Jeremy Mahadevan and James Hipkiss in neglecting the fundamentals (fun and mental) of contemporary journalism. Which is to make the advertiser happy, you dingbats.
After my Little Earthworms had gone out and sourced a Kia Picanto for me, by infesting and scaring the hell out of some advertising executive who thought she was looking all fine (like some Italian supermodel) in her new Italian-esque car, I had the chance to prove this Korean car's Italian pedigree.

An Italian supermodel, nearly shocked out of dress, after seeing some earthworms. Please note, woman whose car we used looked nothing like this, except for the (lack of) chest.

The first impression of the car was befuddling (bees in a fucking puddle) since the car seemed to look more shocked than the ad exec. It seemed to have huge eyes and a small open mouth that made it look very surprised.
Then we realised, it looked surprised all the time, perhaps at the designer Kang Lee's decision to make it look like an Italian footballer who's shocked at the referee's decision. Even if it's to give him a yellow card for a triple axle, double somersault into the green turf that would normally score highly amongst Romanian Olympic gymnasts like Nadia Comaneci (come, my neck itchy).

The all new Kia Picanto was designed after Italian football legend, Gennaro Gattuso, after realising he had the same initials as, you got it, Giorgetto Giugiaro.

And these are the results, which continue to astound car lovers the world over, since right after Daft Oi told them so.

The car comes in a wide range of bright colours, like the Italian national flag, which is bright green, white and red. Kia has made the car in green, red and white to celebrate (sell and braid) its Italianness but also in many other colours, most famously, orange, which it feels is a very unique and Italian colour. Why? Because it's the colour of very strong cheese, and important ingredient in the Italian national dish - the pizza! It is so unique because other cars that come in orange - the Ford Focus, Nissan X-Trail, Nissan Sentra, MINI Cooper, Lotus Elise, Audi TT, Volkswagen Bettle, Volkswagen Golf, Honda Civic Type-R, a schoolbus - all did it to be unique so yes, Kia are very proud that they have such a unique idea.

Viva Italia!

You may be wondering (won a deer ring) about the name Picanto (pick and tow). Kia says it’s a combination of the French word "piquant" for spicy and the Italian word "canto" for song. See, Shannon, Jeremy and James? How can you say a car is not Italian when its very name is derived from an Italian word? That should settle it, isn't it?
What do you mean the point was that the name doesn't mean anything? It means everything. Because of the name, the car has the very Italian character (care actor) of breaking down all the time like an Alfa Romeo. But let's not get the Alfisti pissed off, huh?

If you piss them off, the Alfisti will karaoke you to death, any place, any time.

Moving on, we actually found that the overall design, was immaculate (I'm a kulat), beautiful, the work of that Korean genius Kang Lee, who must now be elevated to the status of legend, like Michaelangelo, another Italian genius!

A Picanto will also be mounted in such glorious array as Michelangelo's David, one day.

And the ride, I tell you, wah, so smooth, like the finest, handmade, spaghetti! You can eat it until your bum becomes so fat, that it gives you the cushioning of exactly what it feels like to sit in a Picanto. Oh, the luxury!
And as for the interior, it is so special and unique, it's like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, such beauty makes you want to bow down and worship it, like you worship the Pope! And it's all topped off with such a round and wonderful steering wheel, round like, the pizza! Oh, it is so gorgeous and Italian, like Monica Bellucci!

What we wouldn't do, for a Picanto, right now.

But the real test of the car is the engine, no? Inside the bonnet is a meaty 1.1-litre engine that generates up to 65 horsepowers (horse powers)! 65! Horses! Horses are very Italian. The Ferrari logo has a horse! This engine will take the car screaming up to 100km/h in just over 15 seconds! That's only 12.5 seconds slower than an Enzo. That's definitely (deaf in Italy) Italian!
It is a very meaty engine, like lasagna, eh? Full of meat, not like stupid British pies, only full of potatoes, haha!

Garfield will have this anyday, at dinnertime.

But yet, despite all that fearsome power, it is a very clean and efficient engine. Using only 5 litres of petrol for every 100 km travelled. Meaning, hardly any petrol used since nobody would really travel 100 km in this car. This car is as good for mother nature as minestrone soup is for you! Drink up, you're a growing boy, eh?

Grow up to be like Giancarlo Fisichella, eh? Someday, someday...

This car has become so popular and well-loved (as all things Italian are loved, like ultra-racists, the mafia, Benito Mussolini and the Sopranos) that it has birthed an unoffical owners' club of its own online, located here, entitled "My life with my KIA Picanto", which at this point, seems to be a rather lonely life, since there's only three contributors.
This exciting club does things like count the number of other Picanto(e)s on the road, (current record stands at an astounding 7!) and trying to fit something into its rather small and petite Italian boot (Italians believe in small butts but big busts, eh?). What an exciting lifestyle that comes with owning a Picanto, a truly spicy song, spicier than the song about KFC's new hot & spicy extra chicken!

The good Colonel considering a Picanto, just before coming up with the hot & spicy extra recipe instead.

I suggest anyone looking for a kereta baru for Raya, to buy this car, so you can bring a piece of Italy back to your kampung, isn't that what Hari Raya is all about? And stay tuned for our Deeparaya (deep array) update as well, as Daft Oi gets cultural on yo' ass.

An Idiot By Any Other Name

2006-09-24T18:58:00.001+08:00

Greetings fellow Malaysians, and according to some film producer somewhere, and a journalist whose ass, the great Assmeister of the Assblog of Assia and the AssyWorld Beyond, Jeff Ooi, is rather fixated with, this means only the Malays - who I also wish now, Selamat Berpuasa, like as if jams every 5pm, bad breath, starvation and zero efficiency is something to look forward to.
So greetings also to the Chinese, Indians, Orang Asli, Peranakan, and Martians. I come again to you, with another example of pure idiocy that my ever-intrepid and sometimes squashed by a monstrous SUV, Little Earthworms have managed to unearth (hehe, geddit, unearth? hoho!).

The worm doesn't always lose.

Apparently, some sohai, melancap bodo wannabe Jeremy Clarksons - a criticism any motoring journalist who tries to write well here must live with all the time - at Life & Times, NST, tried to be funny. No, as in literally.
They actually tried to inject some humour into the current motoring industry, which has been in bad times, with dealerships closing down and executives jumping off the top of their office buildings and landing on the poor kacang putih seller outside.

The biggest indignity, is losing control of your bowels, at such a time like this.

What kind of idiots are these fools? Shannon Teoh and Jeremy Mahadevan (haha, sure wannabe Clarkson, hahaha. Ha) and James Hipkiss (Hipkiss, I tell you! What kind of suckup, shoe-polishing name is that?). You think that people read the newspaper for laughs? This is serious business. If you want to joke around, go and do something insignificant like run a blog.

In the article titled "A Rolls By Any Other Name", run on Sep 5, they even went so far as to say,

If you've seen that fancy-looking sports car kicking up a fuss down the road, it's probably Italian and goes by the name of Fiorano, Quattroporte, Zonda or Gallardo and so on. Which is all well and good. These cars are rare enough that they deserve a name that evokes such strong emotions - even if translated to English, the Maserati Quattroporte actually means the Maserati Four-Door.
But trust the Japanese and Koreans to jump on the bandwagon and break it. We have the Hyundai Elantra and Sonata, Kia Picanto and Sorento, Nissan Sentra, Suzuki Vitara, all of which, only kick up a ruckus when they hit something. The one time a German tries something like this, it's a Mercedes Vaneo, which as the name suggests, is a big, ugly van. Thankfully it was just a van, otherwise the new S-Class might have ended up as the Salooneo and the new M-Class the Jeepeo. Where does that leave
the B Class, though? Pointlesseo, anybody?

How dare they insult those companies who have advertised so heavily in the NST? That's like being a whore and then telling your customer he's got a small dick! How can???
As journalists, they should know, a newspaper can stand up to politicians, ex-prime ministers, no less, the censorship board also kena, do exposes on the police, take on another newspaper twice its size and angkat Khairy's balls (as in the ones that appear on MyTeam. What were you thinking?) but NEVER, NEVER will they thumb their nose at MONEY.
Yes, because what is a newspaper if not a medium for the transmission of ads? Which is why the Star is the model we all look to, a newspaper where only those paying close attention can detect some small hint of something called an ARTICLE being published.
How will the NST ever catch up to the Star if they never learn that the advertiser is No.1 - customer is always right, see? Simple common sense. How do we trust newspapers if they can't even get this right?

A newspaper article, from about the time we last saw one in the Star.

Furthermore, they actually ran a picture of the Kia Picanto with the caption "As Italian as monkey brain soup." WHAT IS UP WITH THESE FUCKTARDS? Or rather, as my esteemed friend Peter Tan prefers, people with fucktardations, oh sorry, that makes Peter Tan a friend with estimation.
How dare they put the name of their advertiser's product in the same sentence as the word 'monkey'? Don't they realise that the average reader will automatically translate it thus,

As Italian as monkey brain soup.
An Italian monkey brain.
A monkey.

And so, people will see the picture and equate it as Picanto = Monkey.
Furtherer-more, how dare they say the car is not Italian? Kia themselves say that the car's designer, Kang Lee, "has managed to tailor the Picanto to meet European design flavour – a major departure from traditional Korean small car styling."
And we know how to read that, right?

...tailor the Picanto to meet European design flavour
...Picanto European design house Giugiaro
...Picanto Italian-designed.

The Picanto was the inspiration for an actual Giugiaro design, the Ferrari GG50. The resemblance is striking, even after all those years.

So, of course, to right the wrongs of the stupid, Daft Oi must stand up and be counted (the count resulted in one, by the way). He must put straight, what was previously not even an issue anymore. He went and test drove a Kia Picanto himself, so he could prove how Italian the car really was.
All that in the next update, after I've gone to the ketuk shop for a bit. I SWEAR IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PICANTO. JUST WAIT FOR THE UPDATE ON THAT TEST DRIVE LAH! IT'LL BE WORTH IT! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!

Hidup itu!! Hidup ini!!! Hidup sana!!! Hidup sini!!! Run around naked ever'body!!!

2006-08-31T08:42:00.000+08:00

Greetings, my mini-patriot followers of my large, pillar-like patriotism. It's MERDEKA, boys and girls, and therefore all other inactivity in the Potshots offices has been put on hold to celebrate this greatly great day of the great.

YOU-ESS-AY! YOU-ESS-AY! YOU-ESS..oh, wait, just a second.

Just as the Big Boss of all that is Jeff-y, Ooi-ish, Jeff-esque and Ooi-like, Jeff Ooi, has celebrated in tandem with Perodua, the Japanese car company that for some reason believes itself to be Malaysian, we too have found a corporate partner for our little freedom hoedown. This being Hitz.fm and its deejays - specifically JJ and Rudy, a dynamique duo who really know how to get a hoedown going or, of course, a ho going down. Hurh Hurh.

Rudy saying, 'Hey baby, do you see this Adidas right here?", pretty much each weekend.

JJ saying, 'No really, baby, if you want to help the Merdeka Man you should follow me upstairs," just as often.

Anyway, between brilliantly-conceived bouts of pretending to be funny and stealing Chuck Norris facts to donate to Jackie Chan and act as if they created them all along, these guys have come up with a way to test the patriotism and helpfulness of Malaysians, qualities we know come in surplus supply from the grand people of our nation, right? Don't answer that. Anyway in a repeat of a stunt they pulled last year, they dressed up this ethnic-looking guy in a Hitz t-shirt, with a cap and some sort of patriotic flag, to travel across the entire country on the back of other people's favours and aid.

The Hitz.fm Merdeka Matcha! Is he buying something for himself? For a poor person? Or is he simply shoplifting his ethnic ass off? We'll only know when the cops get back to us in, a long time.

This is, of course, a brilliant plan - pick this large ethnic-looking bruvva and see if people will help him, rather than running in the opposite direction because they think that he's going to mug them with his mighty bodily hair. People will get a chance to be selflessly generous, and receive nothing, nothing at all for their efforts - except of course the possibility of being mentioned on the radio and interviewed and put in an online photo gallery and have your coolness certified by JJ and Rudy and then be generally admired for your generosity. In the meantime, the meal you bought for Merdeka Man could have been given to someone who hasn't had a meal in a while, or perhaps the time you spent treating the guy to a teh limau could have been used to fly to Lebanon and perform some much-needed amputations or to set up a hard-hitting, award-winning, globally-recognised social commentary blog which will pale in comparison to my own.

You could be like this guy and set up a blog that shamelessly apes my own, sometime soon.

I find this a totally commendable endeavour on the part of Hitz, and it's wonderful how they managed to get their logo and brand name all the way out there amongst the Malaysian flag, the patriotism and the general good-feeling. As Judy and RR said, you've got to support Merdeka Man, if not you're not patriotic! Help disseminate Hitz's brand name to the few who still have not been subjected to it like some form of Mongolian torture, and you're being patriotic! Do us some branding favours, make us some money, and you're a good citizen!

An unpatriotic Jeff, turning a blind eye to the plight of the Merdeka Matcha, on Merdeka Day.

Following their lead, we at Potshots are planning to rename ourselves Pot.shots and send out our own Big Ethnic Merdeka Matcha next year, and you have to help the bugger, because if not you're a dirty useless fler, who should balik Cina/India/Indonesia and go shack up with the natives because you think you're so fantastic, do you? Boy London indeed. Anyway this guy will be easily recognisable because he will be wearing a Potshots exclusive t-shirt. When you see him, there's no need to help him, just go out and call everyone you know and tell them to read Potshots, and also e-mail them the same. You will be heartily congratulated by me here. Don't worry about our Merdeka Man, he actually doesn't need your help anyway, just like Hitz's, so you might as well save yourself the trouble. Majulah Radio Berformat Untuk Negara!

Haaa, barula betui - USA!!! USA!!! USA, FOREVER!!!

Local blogging infidel records lamest excuse ever

2006-08-25T18:55:00.000+08:00

Deep in the bowels of the Malaysian Blogstronomic Passage, Daft Oi has been hauled up by the authorities for the heinous crime of not updating.
Officials from the BlogtropolisPolis from Bukit Laman say that they've already been in contact with the Attorney General, Suanie Specific and are ready with an arrest warrant.

Specific and Bukit Laman officials coming to an agreement. Two glasses means "let's sic 'em, boys!", close to a wormhole, where time fades into oblivion, about five minutes ago.

Datin Seri Patik Tengku Specific was seen leaving a meeting place in the recent meta space-time continuum, probably after having settlement talks with representatives of Daft Oi, to see if the case could be settled out of court.
"I pleaded with them, 'Update-la! So many people know about you and read your blog, but you don't update often enough' I told them. But all they gave me was empty promises and excuses about how their Little Earthworms have been thwarted by faceless enemies, resulting in badly researched information. And my dog ate my harddrive.
"So, I have no choice but to charge them under Section PaulPeterKinkyBrandJeffLainieRockyAiseh!, for the crime of Updatus Interruptus, which is akin to blasphemy against Nature and the way God meant all things to work."
Jill Civic VTEC was reached for comment, and through the mist of tears, managed to blurt out that, "I kept chiding him, 'Got time to have beers but no time to update-la!' before being promptly slapped and left on the streets of Philadelphia as he stormed off. Daft, wherever you are, I'm sorry!"

Jill encountered a truly horrible sight, when Daft left her.

Oi has been in the middle of a daring attack on MonsterBlog, the blatantly rubbish musings of some retard, some fairy, some cartoon, and various stupid women when his entires suddenly dried up. Insider info states that content is being built-up to trash all that rubbish, so that it can be shown for the garbage that it is and people can refuse to read that wasteful crap.

When cornered in Starhill's amazing toilet, Oi's only comment, disseminated via methods not usually used by semen, was that "Eh, Siti's getting married!" before dashing into the Matrix joining up with the Ritz-Carlton and disappearing without a trace.

Most observers however, retorted that they'd prefer to watch something slightly less virginal and have suggested that Daft Oi point towards the kinky romance between Raja Di Subang Jeff Ooi and Putera Sumbang Oon Yeoh 'chatting up' Steven Gan in what promises to be a steamy threesome.

Oh, God, please no, ever.

No relevant comment was available from Maxis, who promptly told reporters to "use your God-damned brains". Time to change, and not your Hotlink logo either.

"We'll make the 'i' in lowercase, it'll be original and shit!" said Ananda Krishnan's five-year-old nephew, in kindergarden before the school holidays.

NST steps out of the Stone Ages, Or Some Other Similarly Dumbass Age (1)

2006-07-23T12:09:00.000+08:00

Still recovering from the reverberations of Zidane's headbutt, here's the weekend edition late by a couple of days from Daft Oi...

As other gnatizens of the Blogicana like StonyBroth and MonitorFire gave you quick, preemptive and generally lame puns about NST's Monster Blogs, Potshots staff was simply fast asleep recovering from their collective sleep-debt during the World Cup. Although, news of half of the staff never even showing up for work for two months now, has yet to be confirmed.

So, to honour NST's new portal by which they hope to tap a younger readership, Potshots goesback to one of the deep-seated traditions of the NST newsroom - one that is sadly missed nowadays since they started running a tighter ship under Brendan of the Prairie - that is, damage control.
Since Potshots missed the news earlier and didn't even pick up on it once the project was up-and-running and continued to ignore it for at least another week,we're offering you now, a huge feature analysis on each and every single one of those involved in the project.

For those of you not yet in the know, NST has launched a blog portal called MOnstERblog. They chose the name due to the fact that it would puzzle people, hence resulting in NST making MO people go "ER..." Very poetic. It utilises this new technology called 'blog', which I'm proud to say is a product of our hard work here at PotshotLabs Sdn. Bhd. It's a super-cutting-edge technology which had its first debut right here on Potshots and was later taken to da max by our premiere partner Google, with the introduction of this Blogs Pot service. Since my hero is Linus Torvalds and he gets all the chicks - especially the penguin chicks - I have made this technology completely FREE to use for everybody!!! It is as the tilapia who has seen the worth of all the goldfish from far away, through the width and breadth of a fish-eye lens that gives him a broader view on the world. Thus, generous am I.

Linus, Linus, what a man art thou, in the halls of all the manly ages.

So the Times That Is New But For Straits Rather Then Straights is the latest media-mogulopoly to make full use of 'blog'-powered journalism of da peeps. Rather than attempting to create its own blogs, though, NST is riding hard as a naval officer on shore leave on the popularity of various sucka- uh, I mean providing space to various established bloggers, whom I will now introduce to you below. Beneath this, that is. As in, underneath. No, scroll down a bit. Down. It's there. Below. Stop reading this and move on, idiot.

Joyce the Kinky Blue Fairy
The Kinky Blue Fairy begins what we will come to learn is a sort of trend among the MOnstERs, by being neither kinky, nor blue, nor a fairy. How, I hear some of you asking, would you, venerable Lord Oi, know whether or not this woman is kinky? Have you been engaging in untoward behaviour with her? Well, to that I have only to say that a gentleman kisseth not to tell, and it was only her choice of smooth peanut butter rather than crunchy that made me question her kink credentials.
The only person who truly knows the truth about this raging kinky controversy is the subject of Joyce's blog, her boyfriend and amateur personality Adam C, who has elected her as his Chief Groupie. A huge controversy is heaving and huffing and puffing over the exact meaning of his initial, 'C', as it is quite a common one among famous people in Malaysia. You got your Adam C, your Serena C, your Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad C, and so on. Well, thanks to the supremo journalistic diggery of my Earthworms, I can confirm that this 'C' stands for 'Celebrity'.
"Think about it", my Little Earthworm explained, "These are all people who are famous not for talent, nor for ability, and not really for any sort of genetic superiority, but just because they're famous." I'm also informed that Joyce The Kinky Blue Fairy - herself a clear supporter of the cult of C for Celebrity for no bloody reason, since her blog links to that Intergalactic Empress of Stupid, Xiaxue - is contemplating a change of name to Joy C, while the magazine she is sometimes seen to work for, Juice, might cash in on its connection to her by renaming itself Jui C. Elsewhere, her bf's professional colleague and fellow semi-personality Jason Lo has already put in an application to have his name altered to Jason Lo C.

Hey Joe, whaddya know? Well, I know that you're looking for the Blue Fairy, and I also know that she hasn't actually been kinky, like ever.

Minishorts
Unfortunately NST failed in its attempt to rope in my personal Mahaji Guruswamy-san Jeff Who Makes All The Girls Go Ooi, owner of the World's Most Pathetic Attempt At A Dictatorship Ever, Screenshots. But, sensing the need people may have for some sort of substitute that at least kind of rhymes with Screenshots, they signed on Minishorts. Or at least, we think that's the reason, because my Earthworms are at a loss as to why else anyone would ever want to be associated with this woman. Minishorts is a social crusader, like myself. She comes from a university famous for producing mobs of people behaving in baboon-like ways, a reputation that she herself takes issue with. In fact, she's trying to rouse a rabble to dispel this notion that her university produces only rabble-rousers.
So she's busy trumpeting the qualities of her alma mater, including the fact that "It is the place that gave the friends who patiently helped me complete that stupid jigsaw puzzle for me to win back my boyfriend's heart." Geez, I wish my university, Harvard, had done that for me. Honestly. All they did was send me an e-mail asking if I wanted to buy a degree and then mail it to me a couple of weeks later.
The truth is, Minishorts is a person who takes issue with a lot of things. Take this post, for example, where she reports on an incident involving her car, an untended radiator, an unobserved temperature gauge and several levels of flaming idiocy culminating in her being stuck by the roadside. Her big beef is not that she ought to pay a bit more attention to being less silly, but that only people who looked like rapists stopped to offer her help. So if you happen to be of a helpful sort of disposition, forget about offering aid to people unless you look like Tobey Maguire or Kermit the Frog. As Minishorts herself opines, "Why is it that no one seemingly decent would stop to help?". Well, dunno, lady - perhaps because those 'seemingly' decent people weren't actually decent after all, and perhaps we should stop being so superficial and image-obsessed? Just a thought. Maybe those motorcyclists were rapists after all. In which case, you could have just refused a lift and asked them to bring you some water. But then, who knows, maybe they might have splashed it all over your face or something. KL's scary these days.

If you're the guy on the left, you can stop and help Minishorts, but don't even dream of it if you're the guy on the right. Go shave, for heaven's sake. Facial hair has just been too dodgy-looking, for always.

Paul Tan
Paul Tan is Malaysia's most celebrated automotive blogger, which means that he's a preacher to masses of disgruntled apes with short fuses and limited linguistic abilities who wish they were driving Subaru Imprezas when all they can afford are Proton Satria Neos and Trinities. He's the sort of guy Minishorts wouldn't accept help from if she was stuck by the side of the road with a case of overheating and membodoh, since she'd think he looks dodgy, considering that he always appears as though he's about to punch you. Apart from being the only person in the world named Paulvinder, Paul is well-known principally because, unlike other Malaysian bloggers, he doesn't blog about himself and actually writes about things people want to read about. What a concept, eh? I'd like to point out that this is a technique that was also invented here at PotshotLabs, although I have yet to make use of it. Apart from writing posts about wastegates and approved permits, Paul is sometimes seen lurking about car launches wielding his cameraphone. His resemblance to a certain green-skinned hulking superhero (but with mocha skin) has resulted in him becoming a feared figure amongst Malaysian auto journalists, who warn their kids at night to 'behave or else Paul Tan will come and get you.' The auto journalists are known to clump up into a defensive herd formation when Paul lumbers nigh, much like oxen protecting themselves from one-eyed boogie monsters. At least one of them has been heard calling him 'sir'. It doesn't help that he communicates in a series of unintelligible grunts.

Tony the Tiger took Paul Tan out to test a new autovehicle, and his verdict was "GNAAAAAARRR", yesterday.

Alright, time and space (a continuum) are constraining me, so I shall sign off now and leave you awaiting, with baited breath, the second instalment of my run-down on the low-down on this new pantheon of monsters. Until then, if you think my attacks are too personal, hey man, I'm just updating my i-Pod playlist. What is fit for the geesey is fit for the ducky, although for tilapias we always make the exception, and exceptionality is many things were it not for which time knows and dictates. Until such time permits as has been said, this has been Potshots, your window and my door.

DAFT OI SAYS: It has also come to my attention that Joyce the... blogger, claims to not have been seen to ever work for Juice/Jui C. Allow me to clarify, as I sometimes assume people to have some degree of intelligence, when in fact, they only have a diploma from some cooking class. The actual fact of the matter is that the Malay Mail and Juice are one and the same. Anyone who has even the first idea of chaos math will be able to tell from integrating the vertical patterns of the juxtaposition of graphics and alphanumerics whilst recoordinating that sum along with the differential equation extracted from the uncertainties inherent in each publication.
What do you mean, you don't get it? Ok, it's simple. Malay Mail claims to give you all the "juiciest" news, right? And what is the "juiciest" news if not stuff about juice, which surely a magazine named Juice must report on too!
If only, more people were like my Little Earthworms and my staff, then we can truly engage the National Broadband Plan, instead of swimming around looking at goldfish.

Son of an Outlaw

2006-07-11T23:17:00.000+08:00

It was strange to find that The Sixth High Emperor of the TakBolehBlogUntukSelamatkanNyawaKu, Jeffro Tull was referring to his ipod playlist directly after celebrating the joy of a nuptial. Stranger still, was the fact that his playlist was full of pictures of men...

But as always, Daft Oi is here to right what is wrong. To put a leadpipe through the skull of snatch-thieves and to headbutt nipple-tweakers.
Once again, my army of intrepd Little Earthworms have found this in the trashcan of the Scribe...

Shall I add 'Stupid Girl' (Pink) on my i-Pod playlist?

Or maybe 'Master of Puppets' (Metallica)?

Perhaps 'Nookie' (Limp Bizkit)?

When I was about to put up this post, a good friend of mine, Unspun's Ong Hock Chuan told me that I shouldn't put up this highly personal information on Ooi's life up on the Internet because what if some of Ooi's enemies go to his house and disrupt the ceremony, what if one of Jeffrey Jr's previous flames turned up with his lovechild. But most of all, it's because "You, Rockybru, is no longer editor of a major paper because you weren’t tame and trained enough to reflect only His Master’s Voice."
My reply was, "Nevermind your bad grammar, Ong, and your standards for what you call a major paper, but surely Rockybiru was tamed and trained enough. NSTP threw him an RM400k bone out of the building and he went bounding after it. Of course, it wasn't much effort, he was already spending all his time outside the building."

Rocky... no, not that one, ya, that one, a little pussy, drunk at the Press Club last night.

Ong, rebutted with, "Mahathir, however, fails to have a sense of irony.
My reply was, "What’s that got anything to do with the price of sugar, girl, honey, honey?"

Reports of unlimited sugar rush, unconfirmed, in his prime.

I guess his point was that since Ooi and our KarTun are fast friends and cohorts, they both have no sense of irony and Ooi would not understand the humour in my post even though he truly believed there was humour in his.
But I would not be deterred, even if Ooi suggests that Malaysia has no free media, I am determined to prove him wrong, just like how Ong's post proved him wrong by explaining that blogs and the like could work around government censorship.
Because Ooi must have a sense of irony. After all, he linked on his blog, Ong's blog post about how thanks to technology, media is now free from government controls. He did this to point out how since Rocky's Bruschetta and Ooi's Cream Chops have been banned from NST, that there is no freedom of media. This has more irony than Amsteel and all the besi buruk in the country put together! Irony I tell you!

Reported sightings of world's largest source of irony, also unconfirmed, yesterday.

Either that, or Ooi is dumb. Now, that can't be, can it? He is, after all, Malaysia's most popular blogger. Can it truly be that the Malaysian Blogtropolis is made up of idiots?
I refuse to believe such utter crap, which is worse than an otter's crab after it has been split in two and eaten. And so, I can only blame all of this on Maxis. I am sure Ooi will agree with me that it's all Maxis' fault. Maxis, maxis, maxis.

Not Maxis, the official broadcast something something, all of last month.

However, can someone advise me if I should update my ang pow packet with RM10 or RM50 for the wedding?

World Cup Update... (2)

2006-06-29T10:15:00.000+08:00

Aha, so you have been using your Maxis phones, then, because here I am with the actual World Cup update, not like the ones which have no football in it at all. What kind of World Cup is that? That's like a World Cup where the real stars are the female fans, the players' wives, broken bones in feet and lousy referees...

Anyway, many of you loyal readers and true patriots will be wondering why I did not post up a World Cup preview - since I am known to have a sharper nose for the game than MyTeam loser-in-chief, Shebby Singh and definitely woodn't be like Paul Masefield's anchoring of the telecasts so far.

Not Santokh Singh, in his heyday.

The reason is that because I am so clued in, I already knew which eight teams would be in the quarterfinals. And I didn't want to let it on because it would've spoilt your World Cup experience to know in advance that the last round of group matches were going to be a farce.
Oh, sure there were goals. Germany contributed three against Ecuador - but it was still a nonevent, with both teams already qualified and Ecuador deciding not to show up to protest against white supremacy or something. And Ivory Coast and Serbia & Montenegro traded goals to result in a generous 3-2 scoreline. It featured some quite awful defending - including Milan Dudic's two spectacular displays where the referee kayu failed to spot that he was actually a four-legged animal, and it wasn't handball.
But how about the worst of both worlds - hotshots Holland and Argentina
protecting their players for the next phase and benching about a dozen players
to give us... no goals whatsoever!

Football Mad Nation, during Ivory Coast vs Serbia & Montenegro.

But because I am the protector of the truth, it would've been unethical of me to lie to you and say that I merely thought that this or that team would make it to the quarterfinals instead of the truth, that I KNEW they would.
I even tried to deflect my obvious knowledge of the game by saying I supported Saudi Arabia. But let's face it, the Saudis were more interested in the size of German sausages than anything else.

You like my sausage, da? You vant some of this, now?

But here at this stage, things are becoming iffy, because Italian Mafia God of Gamblers are starting to throw their weight in and influence results. Not to mention Ronaldo's weight too... that'll shake things up, right and proper.

I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow Gerd Muller's record away, when I play against Ghana.

But before I get shot in a drive-by by people who hit on anything with a vagina and are called romantic for it, I will proceed to...

POTSHOTS HEADQUARTERS HEADS INTO THE QUARTERS WITH A QUARTER OF HIS HEAD CHOMPING INTO A QUARTER POUNDER

So, who will make it to the semis? Potshots on Goal sent some Little Earthworms to Germany to have a little chat with the coaches from each team.

LE: So, how will you defeat the Italians?
Old BlockedHind: With Andriy Shevchenko! Who, although is now in bed with Russian billionaire Roman AbrahamicJewsDon'tHaveAllTheMoney, was practically a son to Italy's premier, Silvio BeerlessCockney!

Forza Italia!

LE: And you, how will you plan against the Ukranians?
Marcello Lippy: By using my Argentinian winger, Maori, Mario, Maui... uhh, Cameroon, Cameron, uhh, the one who rebonded his hair. Yes.
LE: And Argentina, what will be your tactics against Germany?
Jose Peckerman: We have a German defender, Gabriel Heinze, of course! He will know how to handle the Nazi offensive.
LE: Jurgen, your reply to that?
Jurgen KuKluxKlinsmann: Hah, our strikers are too polished for that. In fact, Podolski and Klose are entirely Polish.

German secret weapon, tonight.

LE: (sigh) Well, over to England...
Sven-Gali TacticsSans: No worries, David Beckham actually plays overseas for us! HE WILL know all about the International Game!

Sting knows how Beckham feels, except in 80s America.

LE:, Uhh, Luis?
Luis Flippy ScoldReferee: We'll just get him sent off. After all, our Brazilian-born player, Deco is a grandmaster at that, he's so good he can do it from off the pitch.
LE: The favourites Brazil?
CarLost I'llBetOn Prairie: We don't have Deco in our team, that's good enough.
LE: And last, but not least...
Raymond DoMyNeck: We havez ze great geniuz, Zinedine Yazid Zidane, whoz name iz actually Tinedine Tidane but we French love to pronounce thingz wit ze letter Z.

Another great French export, during the days of the Wild, Wild West.

Quick and painless, unlike the Ukraine and Switzerland match, this has been Potshots, ignoring Wimbledon.

World Cup Update

2006-06-25T02:15:00.000+08:00

Yes, the tournament in Germany has progressed to the knockout phas.... what?

NEWSFLASH...FLASH...FLASH...

We interrupt this highly comic circle of numberical importance to bring you news that is related by the letters, W, O and R and of even more alphabetsical importance!

DR. M FOR MAHATHIR HAS DECLARED WAR ON POTSHOTS!

War, what is it good for, absolutely nothing, as history tells it.

Yes, while the innocent employees and equity holders of Potshots Sdn Tak Berhad Kerana Sudah Merdeka were trying to con each other whilst betting on whether Spain would beat our Muslim Brethren from the Holy Oily Footy team from Saudi Arabia, the Loony Tun announced that he would "cari sampai ke lubang cacing" to resolve issues!

Another kind of wormhole, where time is not a dimension.

Issues, I tell you. What issue does M the Mahathir have with humble ol' Daft Oi and his unworthy little crawlies? I have merely been unselfishly pursuing my own agenda in the interest of my countrymen - to seek out the truth as I see fit!
Surely a man like Mahadona, the Hand of Govt, can identify with my undying allegiance to the ways and means first practiced on this Water Land by his own Berbahagia self.

Meanwhile, The Blog That Went To The World Cup to show off his LG phone, Jeff Ooi, chooses to spin this as if my Little Earthworms are a side issue, that the real target is the source!
"I will dig until I find the source of the worms!", he reports or rather translates or rather, misinterprets what Matahathir so shiningly exclaimed.
He even goes so far as to claim that Potshots is controlling the government and that we are a bunch of homosexuals by saying that,

"So, he (Mahathir) soldiers and battles on to out the 'Third Party' that "controls the Abdullah administration."

Unconfirmed reports of party animals belonging to the Third Party, at the last elections.

Now, both Ooi and I and you and he and she know that homosexuality is illegal in this country. Not only has Ooi slurred my premium sponsor Google, he has also slurred me! It seems that he is now in cahoots with the Politician Formerly Known As Prime Minister! Oh, wait, but we already knew that.

In news related by being late twice, Maxis 3G, the only Gs in the hood to give you all the action, 8 minutes too late, promises that after you spend 15 minutes calling someone to talk about the last 45 minutes, Potshots will be back with an actual World Cup update.

Gmail slurred by libellous Chinapek Blogger

2006-06-06T20:47:00.000+08:00

Before we go into today's special breaking report from an M-16 rifle to be used by an NS trainee, I must apologise for my behaviour in the past month. I have been binge drinking and getting one too many hardons from anticipation of the World Cup and allowed Potshots Premium Partner (PPP), Google, to be attacked falsely by The Blog That Knows No Shame, Screenshots.
As always, Google is kind and patient and can point you to more babes in black than Jeff Ooi ever can. They only recently informed me of Ooi's callous actions and I have set out to investigate along with my precious army of blind but eager worms.

Jeff will never outdo Google images, anyplace, anytime.

Needless to say, we didn't get far for we spent too long making stupid remarks about Jeff's "Toolbox" and his reference to "Black Chocolate". Niggah please!
But we did discover that by deviously clicking 'May 2006' on Screenshots, you can get pages that seemed to have been deleted! But now, they're back! Cool!
It seems that the Sith Lord of the Blognana recently claimed that Gmail has stop growing - notice the use of tense, as if he used the Force to immediate stop its growth rather than that he is merely reporting a false fact.
What motivated him to such degrading lies, who knows, for Ooi is a man with a plan for broadband. In his devious schemes to take over the internet, he has obviously procured a Gmail account for himself through shady means.
Now, he even has the cheek to complain that it has stopped growing! My, my, but we all know that Ooi is always looking out for No.001.

001, J377 001, license to email, in the middle of the night.

Gmail reported that he had used all but 12MB of his gargantuan 2727MB mailbox. I guess we can all see why the kiamsiap fler was making issue out of the mailbox space.
He obviously needs the extra space and was pressuring Google into giving him space that should be devoted to helping others by storing caches of, I dunno, pictures like...

But of course, does Ooi care about you or me? No, he only cares about his schemes and National Broadband Plan yadayada.
However, here at Potshots, we are not a malicious folk. We are here to help, even those who are obviously beyond it.

Another hopeless cause, recently deceased.

So, to Ooi, we offer two solutions.

1. Delete your junk mail. We know that this might seem revolutionary and alien to you, but trust us, it works. When you delete your mail, you actually do free up space in your inbox. Honest!
In fact, you could even delete old and useless mail. Instead of hoarding all the porn you plan to unleash as part of your broadband plan, how about deleting the ones which feature only naked men. Or several naked men. You know, yeah.

2. How about asking your wonderful sponsor who gives you free trips around the world to write about issues nobody cares about to give you email space to keep stuff that nobody cares about too? It would be consistent of Microsoft to do so, wouldn't it? Or are you admitting their hotmail product is more like... lukewarm mail?
One also wonders about the conflict of interest involved in Ooi reporting on Google when he is so obviously Bill Gates' bitch. Now, that's real crap.

Not real crap, available at all leading humour stores, now.

Ok, now that Google is appeased, I'm off to more of my Astro red-button hogging. More on this, uhh, after these messages from Maxis, whose representative refuses to confirm if they were shafted in their sponsorship deal for the local broadcast of the World Cup.

Between a Rokk and an Ahirudin place

2006-05-29T14:47:00.000+08:00

Football season is coming again, having left us for long enough so that we could collect the spent beer cans and haul them to the recycling plant to pay for next month's Astro subscription.
And for the World Cup, I have a good strategy, the same one I employed for the Malaysian Under-20 + 3 vs MyTeam + dodgy bleach jobs. I will watch it on TV.

Now, here's a team that will thrash the Malaysian football team, anytime, foo.

Yes, unlike the gila babi membebel 70,000 people who went to the round place which is a bit penget so not round like the ball that players want to go and Kick It! Kick It!... I had the vantage point of, my chair. The reason is I - as all of you know by now and if you didn't, you will never, never, never know Simply Red - am a patriot.
And because our football fans are all unpatriotic hooligans who support YourTeam, I cannot go to the stadium. What will happen is that when their team of amateurs (haha, amateurs, I called you! I am so witty!) loses to the Tigers, they will all be upset and beat me up.

Aduh, during my last visit to the stadium.

Now, although I am a team player, as witnessed during my Counterstrike playing days (where I left the glamour of defusing bombs and saving hostages and damsels in distress to others while I did the dirty job of fragging those n00bs), I am far too important to risk my life in a hellhole of such hellish depth.
Which brings me to my point. Why all these flers so unpatriotic? Go and watch Malaysia play, but support the opponents. I understandla if the other team got your brother, or cousin or husband, but majority of people in the stadium supported KhairyTeam. How come? Don't tell me their families so fertile and can beranak sedozen sekali. I know that is patently impossible because all hospitals only have 11 cots for newborns.

It doesn't matter if the China women's team can beat our Malaysian boys, we must still support. Same like garmen rite? Even though they do stupid things like ban documentaries about our own history, we must still be proud of our country and those that represent us, just like how I'm sure all of you are proud of Lazarus Rokk - and no, I am not trying to make fun of his name. That IS his name. Serious. No lampooning whatsoever. Oklah, maybe just a bit - Lazy Ass Rokok! Hurh hurh hurh.

We must be proud of him because he is willing to stand up even when nobody cares and state sort of loudly that MyTeam had an obligation to defeat Malaysia - and not vice-versa - because they were the ones who issued the challenge. In Rokk's Rokk-tastic world of manly duels and damsels who are only pretending not to want a rub of your shiny scalp, a challenge must be honoured with scrotal gumption as well as various other things that can be expanded into needlessly verbose, clunky phrases, such as 'footballs', which as we all know can be lengthened into 'extremity-ending flat toe-wielding appendage scrotal gumption.'

Rokk can't understand why the onus (onus, hurh hurh hurh) was on Malaysia to beat MyTeam. As he says, "The general consensus – gently coaxed no doubt by the protagonists of MYteam -- is that while the national team needs to win at all cost, the virtual reality team that cost quite a lot to put together, has got nothing to lose.
If everyone indeed believes that, then why was there a necessity to waste everyone’s time, effort, and Telekom Malaysia’s RM 4million to put on this hyped-up match?"

Far be it from us at this humble Blog of Truth to question such sage words, but it seems odd to us that Rokk hasn't realised that Telekom Malaysia already got more than their money's worth out of this whole shebang, since the positive vibes generated by MyTeam were so immense that had they lost 12-0 the crowd would just have gone, "Awwww, the evil merciless pros socked it to the poor, spunky underlings - well no matter, MyTeam are winners based on their courage alone, and now I must go and make several long-distance phone calls to explain this fact to everyone I know." Even if Telekom Malaysia lost out on this RM4 million deal, how can it harm them when they have a market so captive it's like Alcatraz - after all, where else are Malaysian consumers supposed to turn to for their telephony and broadband needs? The only way you'd avoid TM would be if your definition of 'broadband' is The Magic Numbers.

The Magic Numbers, real broad band - make no mistake about it, ever.

Ok, but you see, according to another sort of Rock, which is a Rocky, but not like the boxer, but probably a barista since he makes some sort of Bru - Yes, Bru - , now that Laser-us' previous medium, his Counterpoint column, has left Jalan Riong along with his sizeable being, Lazarus is sort of arising from the grave (again?) and going to the World Cup as a media officer. One wonders whether he will be there to dispute blindly anything that comes his way, the same way he did with his column, as much as the idea of a column designed solely to disagree with things might seem comical. Well, here's a man who likes to use the phrase 'scrotal gumption' instead of 'balls' as if it's cool. Worryingly, he will be the only representative from Asean at that famed international tournament based around 22 men kicking a scrotal gumption around a field, showing that Southeast Asia is an association - possibly of bald annoyances - rather than a region.

While most say that when Rocc accepted the VSS, it was actually far from voluntary: the lack of any point being countered in the past decade led the company to decide that enough was enough - as enough is usually not insufficient - and to free him to ply his Man United apologetics where it'll actually be appreciated. Yes, so now the glory-hunting giant flaming ball of gas has offered him a column. Glory, glory Star Publications!

On an aside, can you imagine, the Tak Bengkok dan Tak Lama Times once had a column called Rocky's Bru? Rocky's Bru. And it wasn't about coffee or beer. Although suspicions that beer was indirectly involved in the inebriated ramblings have never been unfounded, which is the complete opposite of what happens when Sherlock Holmes looks for a murderer.

A close relation of Rocky's
Bru, before it died a natural death, unlike the Bru that keeps on Bruing.

Let's take a look at the career of the ex-journalist, somewhere between veteran and retired. Last post held in mainstream media was Executive Editor of the (old) Malay Mail and (now-dead) Sunday Mail (R.I.P - because resting in peace doesn't necessarily mean deceased, it may mean simply sitting on a big pile of VSS cash).
Why do I say this? Oh, because I wouldn't dare associate any of the new Malay Mail with the old one. It wouldn't be fair, because the new one actually has a boss who isn't off doing something other than being Executive Editor.
See, this is unfair, because Rocky was Bruing a storm at the press club, where his actual fulltime job as Press Club President and reigning champion of subsidised beers was taking up so much of his selfless and unrewarded effort.
Have no fear, O members of the press, for Rocky will still be the Bruising Boss of your Club (hehe, geddit? Club?) until his license to kill expires. Yes, it expires in 007. Not 07 or 2007. Or even the Peugeot 307. But 007. Yes, feels like Entrapment all over again.

the Real 007 bru, shaken not stirred since Sean Connery said Bond. James Bond.

Our man Rock, Rock, Rocky one, has donned his cute shorts and striped singlet as he went forth to play the pundit, like his good buddy Rokk, something he has done for many years in his column that is not about beer or coffee.

Rocky dons his own brandname jacket, when it gets cold.

Based on hearsay, which has been the epitome of Malay Mail journalistic philosophy, he has insinuated that the Non-Communist Letters is crap in the context of what the Little Birdlike chirping in his ears told him - that the tabloid paid ad agent droid, BBDO, who is a close friend of C3PO, US$1 million for their recent revamp into Selangor's official tabloid.

Duli Yang Maha Mulia, since May 20.

Here at Potshots, we are astounded by Berbatu's expert analysis. Of course it's crap since it only cost RM400k+ to get rid of him during the VSS. Once the difficult part was done, you'd expect them to spend just a few more bucks to finish up the process.
We agree that there is definitely something fishy here. We can almost be sure that at least RM3 million of that money must've gone into some corrupt fler's pocket.
Sure makes your VSS payout look like crap, doesn't it, Rocky? But your sacrifice is an enduring encouragement to the rest of us who hope to also one day inherit a BMW 5 series just like that one.

A good investment for Rocky, trusted for generations of people with a lot of loose cash.

Lelaki Harijadi Komunis Selamat

2006-05-21T01:11:00.000+08:00

Cheers and Salutations, you gorgeous people. How you doiiiing? You feeling goooood? Yeaaaah, it's all hanging good, innit?
After all, what could possibly be wrong during a time when the power of protest can cause a forum on minority rights to be cancelled? Power to the rakyat! Gives new hope to these protestors! Malaysia Boleh! Don't give up!

MALAYSIA BOLEH, May 28!

Ok, ok, so I've been missing even longer than usual. The truth is... I got lazy. But the real reason is that I needed a break. And after all, since May 13 was my birthday, I thought I'd take a short trip away for some fun in the sun in Portugal where I spent some time watching a Malaysian musical in Singapore.
Did that make any sense? No? That's because you're still hungover from my birthday celebrations!

I bet you wished you were there, last fortnight.

So I went to this musical, but was very disappointed to find that it was falsely advertised, and was in fact a documentary. If there's one thing I hate it's a documentary, just as I have grown to hate books, pamphlets and Wikipedia, because these are all things that feed me knowledge, and I have learnt so many times through the example of my mentorsaurus Jeff Ooi, owner of Malaysia's Most Well-Endowed Blog, Screenshots, that the best way to approach a subject is from the perspective of knowing nothing about it at all, and then stating the obvious or the obviously false as if nobody's thought of it before.

The Jeff Ooi approach to roadsign-making is sweeping the globe, now.

After the movie was over, I asked the bevy of Jill Civics who accompanied me what it had all been about, and they explained that it was called Lelaki Komunis Terakhir and was directed by some professional hippie named Amir Muhammad. Anyway, I thought it was a very cool piece of work, despite being a hippie-film, and it let me find out a lot more about some weird country which I don't see much of, since like my idol the Jeffmeister I spend most of my time on free trips all over the world. I wasn't sure how it could be about communists, since I thought it was about pomelos and charcoal, but since I don't know what a communist is I suppose there's a chance it might be a false pomelo used to smuggle charcoal, or a false charcoal used to smuggle pomelos, or a charcoal pomelo used in false smuggling.

It's juicy, it's red, it's Karl Marx, before he died, a poor man, wishing he'd learnt how to set up a hard-hitting social commentary blog like mine.

Then I found out, to my shock and horror, that the film is actually banned in Malaysia! Apparently an incomprehensible idiotbigot named Akmal Abdullah, who works for Berita Harian, discovered that there such a documentary was in the works and decided it must be banned. In fact, one of my Little Earthworms recorded Akmal's reactions when he first found out about the film, which I reproduce here for the good of humanity and broadband content. They collected this quote for me, recorded while Akmal was alone in his office with nobody else around.

"Wat dis? A filem abaut de komunis? How kan? Dis is not respek of awer kantri. De komunis was de very bad ting, bcos dey..um..dey is..um...bad ting! Many of de pipul die! And samor, dis muvi is abaut Chin Peng. You kenot mek a filem abaut Chin Peng in awer ples, bcos he is..um..bad ting! See his name oledi I know - Chin, Chin is stand for China! Peng is stand for Penget! Chin Peng is stand for de China wan tu Penget awer kantri! Thats why, awer kantri is not China! Awer kantri is Indonesia, and Indonesia is for de Indonesian...eh silap plak...
And den rait, dis China pipul all is de komunis, and der wos NEVA any Melayu komunis, understen? Where got? And den rait, the yang pipul will wotch dis muvi and den rait, after dey bkum komunisma means how? Bcos it is quite komon for dis yung friks tu gif up dey McDonal and MTV and Livais to join de Maks! Kal Maks is very bad. Kill pipul.
Wat yu sed? So I mas go and wotch this filem lah, so det I can atek it in mai paper? Yu r korek, sir, eksep no need to wotch lah, gua malas. Haha sometimes I oso am like the China ppl la, very malas...eih salah plak."

I think we can clearly see now why the brilliant high-brow content-based journalist Jeff Ooi has decided to refer to Akmal Abdullah as the ASSistant Entertainment Editor of Berita Harian - the man is truly ASS, hurh hurh hurh Omigod I so funny.

Hurh hurh hurh, the Jeffmeister wants you to know that ASSmal ASSY ASS ASS AbdullASS is actually one of these...

Or perhaps one of these, ever since he was born.

Unfortunately I cannot write more of this ASSmal ASSy ASSologist without resorting to language that would besmirch my beloved blog, so I just have this to say:

AAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ASSS
ASS COMMUNIST ASS CHIN ASS PENG
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE*
*Sophisticated British accent.

It was only later that I found out, courtesy of one of my Littler Earthworms, that Jeff Ooi has been asked to become the sole agent, publicist, activist, kaya toast maker and unlicensed attorney for The Last Communist. Well, he hasn't actually said it in so many words, but all you have to do is listen to him talk and it all becomes pretty clear that he wishes he was in that position. Plus, I know he has actually said that in so many words, since I got a recording of it from a Little Earthworm who happens to be Some Unfortunate Journalist Who Had To Interview Jeff (SUJWHTIJ).

Jeffmeister: Yes, what you'd heard is true - I have accepted Amir's offer to take up a position as his agent and publicist.
SUJWHTIJ: When did he make this offer?
Jeffmeister: When he made this offer is irrelevant, as irrelevant as the existence of any such offer in the first place. The important thing is that I, Jeff, will soon be leaving my own pungent-smelling mark all over the metaphorical lamp-post of Amir's metaphorical street.
SUJWHTIJ: Have you drafted a strategy of response to the numerous attacks the film has suffered -
Jeffmeister: Of course! I will simply interrupt them with the universal truth that only I am allowed to say anything about this movie. All other views are drivel.
SUJWHTIJ: What about positive reviews, such as the one run in the NST?
Jeffmeister: I spit on them! How dare they say things about it?
SUJWHTIJ: Umm...is that why you rather conveniently avoided mentioning the review on your blog?
Jeffmeister: Of course I disregarded it. I have also disregarded to mention the fact that Amir Muhammad has a column with the NST, not to mention the fact that that's the only reason I support him, because the whole motivation behind my entire online existence has been to get a job with my beloved NST.
SUJWHTIJ: Umm...
Jeffmeister: The poor paper is being mishandled now, as I mentioned recently in a post, how can the NST print articles attacking the ban when in fact the person who started this whole hoo-ha in the first place, the ASSistant EditASS ASSmal ASSdullah ASS ASS ASS, works for Berita Harian, a sister paper of NST?
SUJWHTIJ: But doesn't that suggest that the NST has the freedom to -
Jeffmeister: If I were Brendan of the Prairie, I would have gotten the ASS ASS ASSmal ASS ASS's ass in deep shit, and gotten him fired, and stopped Berita Harian from covering all this nonsense.
SUJWHTIJ: Wouldn't that be a restriction of press freedom, though?
Jeffmeister: Poppycock! Press freedom is only restricted when someone disagrees with me.
SUJWHTIJ: Um...I don't think that's exactly what it -
Jeffmeister: How dare you! You, sir, are a restricter of press freedom! Mark my words, I will have my way with you on my mighty Blog blah blah blah blee blee blee etc. etc.
SUJWHTIJ: *sigh*

And so it appears the plot is thickening, ladies and gentlemen, and will keep thickening until somebody says "Alamak my curry" and pours some water in there. Until then, this has been Potshots, the first with the pungent spicy aroma of 100% truly true truthiness and factility.

Potshots Civic Service Announcement - Servicing Malaysia For Dozens of Days

2006-05-11T21:42:00.000+08:00

As the team at Potshots surveys its long, proud, hard and pistoning history, we are glad to say that despite the ups and downs experienced over several operational and management upheavals in the past three months, we are still serving the society as selflessly as can possibly be achieved by someone who sacrificially names his community-serving blog after himself.

After expert analysis by internal and external auditors (focus groups featuring many Jill Civics, who left satisfied that I was indeed, the owner of a long, proud and hard heritage, plus Professor Emeritus Littel Birdanathan, multiple Phd and Academy Award winner), it has been discovered that Potshots' shots at pots have become fewer and further between as time has gone by in bygone times.

What once used to come more often a pubescent boy with his first Playboy magazine, has slowed down to the frequency with which the hitz.fm Morning Crew manage to be funny.

After in-depth studies, running of experiments and the bulls, and also consultation with experts, both past and present via Ouija Board (Elvis says hi), we have found the main source of this phenomenon.

It appears that due to unforeseen - and we speculate only that this is due to the circumcision of our eyelids - circumstances, Your One Trick Attack Dog Muggy Scumbag, Daft Oi, has found BETTER THINGS TO DO.

"Yes, it appears that Oi has discovered a whole lot of stuff more enjoyable than work. It is an unprecedented occurrence for someone as dedicated and patriotic as him. I am sure my colleagues at the Deparment of People-Do-The-Darndest-Thingsology will be interested in this case as it will give them a chance to hire several cute interns who will do anything for a good grade," commented Birdanathan.

What you'd do for these chips, is what an intern would do for an A, anytime.

Among the things that I have discovered of late, include;

1. Books.
Yes, as Potshots is always on the cutting edge of discovery, we have followed closely on the trail of the Gutenberg press and found this amazing thing bound together to provide hours and days of engrossing distraction that can be brought around with you. Amazing! Like this one book I'm reading now. It's about the church and Jesus and there's a woman named Mary Magdalene and secret orders and strange happenings and mystery and people dying. Yeah, they even made it into a movie because it sold so many copies. It's called the Bible.

If they are sold out of Bibles at your bookstore, a factually inaccurate but totally reliable alternative is available, until you rot in hell - or as it's otherwise known, Sentul.

2. World Cup.
As June 9 approaches, I too have been taken up in football fever, as part of this Football Mad Nation, although like so many other Malaysians, we're not sure exactly what we're supposed to be kicking, but we know that we're gonna kick it, kick it.

And just like the Great I Am, YHWH JFF sht-my-srnm's-ll-vwls, I have listened to my Muslims elderly (as in the Muslims I keep as slaves in my chicken farming enterprise and listening to them like an old fart), my Muslim neighbour from the old kampung, and my Muslim friends in Umno and PAS, even the cats on the street. When they told me that supporting anyone but Saudi Arabia would hurt their feelings, I lent them my listening ears at BLR with no collateral required. I don't doubt their feelings. They are, after all, my brothers, even though my mother has only been pregnant twice and I already have a younger sister. I don't and I won't play poker with the feelings of my Muslim brothers since gambling is haram. But maybe I can play solitaire by loading it into a computer that nobody knows who belongs TO IT.

They told me that many Malaysians had hurt their feelings by supporting England, whose national flag has a cross on it and their national pastime is drinking beer and eating bacon. They also like to swear with the name of Nabi Isa and that's very insensitive, even hitz.fm recognises that and they don't allow a good Muslim like Kanye West who says Allahu Akbar in a song to taint his passage into heaven and his 40-houri credit by uttering the name of Nabi Isa in vain.

There's also the Swedish people who have a cross and eat meatballs and sell expensively priced furniture, but most of all, Brazilian fans, whose amoral supporters tend to show off their tits instead of menutup aurat. And that's just the guys.

So it is that Saudi Arabia has my undying support despite the fact that I have no idea who any of their players are. But have no doubt - they are my brothers.

Not about to flash her puppies, anytime soon.

3. Drugs
Oh, better not say anything more if not I'll be recognised and honoured by the Malaysian AIDS Council (MAIDS)!

The foremost in MAIDS, until recently.

4. Sex
I've discovered this new thing, called sex, which is a term you enter into the search field of my premium partner Google to obtain lots of pictures of people in strange, strange scenarios. It appears to be some sort of wrestling, and I'm hooked, and the storylines are even better than the ones on WWE.

So, as to keep the sanctity and justice that only randomness rather than consistency can bring, Potshots has taken stock of where it has come and what can be expected in the future, and has come to the conclusion that we can all expect the unexpected.

Inconsistency, the bedrock of Malaysian blogging, for centuries.

So, with no further ado, I'm off to read about the World Cup and its history of drug abuse and hopefully have not and will not offend people of all religions, and Scientologists.

Aces Go Places

2006-05-09T12:39:00.000+08:00

Salutations, my little underlingys, it's been quite a while. I have been occupied, the rain causing 50% of my creative synergy exercise team to slip-slide away on the Federal Highway while the other 50% had to contend with thievery and kindness out of the heart of Puchong. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's because my creativity is back. Scared or not?
Also we have lost half our broadband wireless interconnected unwired ethernet cable capacity National Broadband Plan content creation 3G system, which means no internet. Here is a diary of my situation for the past 15 days, marooned without internet.

Day 1: No internet.
Day 2: No internet.
Day 3-15: No internet.

I've had to resort to making this update from a little cybercafe where I have just pwned all the DoTA regulars with my l337 mighty orcish hero and his bull and those n00bs are now waiting outside with a length of pipe to teach me a lesson. I will simply pwn them all over again with my 2d20+7 Shield of Righteousness and 3d32-2 Sword of Fables, accompanied by my 34dd-26-32 wench.

But before that, I must speak to you of crookedness. It appears that the owner of Malaysia's own Obituary/Theatre Blog, Jeff Ooi, has taken sides with the Once & Former but Not Senior nor Mentor King of Malaysia, Tun Datuk Dr. Encik Saudara M the MahatheatreOperathingy. In his quest to achieve global domination and the painful, shark-related death of Mr. Bond, Dr. M once concocted an idea for a crooked bridge.

Muahahaha, in the midst of M for Mahakuasa's reign.

For those not in the Know, especially those who are on the verge of committing suicide outside its window, at the know-ledge...hehe... ok, where was I..., oh yeah, Tun Dr. M. has for many years been plagued by one of those boils on the backside that refuses to go away, you know the type. Oh, don't try to pretend, I know it's plaguing you with pain at this very moment. This boil is called Singapore.

Ouch, since 1963.

During his long Daulat Tuanku years, Tun Dr. M. for Maharaja (otherwise known as Kubang Pasu) devised plans to loosen Singapore's hold on his buttcheek, one of which was the construction of a bridge between Malaysia and Singapore. Ah, you ask, how could that possibly loosen the Singaporean's hold on anything? Well, this was to be half a bridge, no more and no less. Yes, a curvilinear, curvimagnificent, curviwonderful, curvicurvy bridge that would curve in a curvy arc to join the outdated causeway neatly at the half-way point. In this way, the will of the evil boil would be thwarted! Did they really want a causeway?! A glorified mound of earth heaped into the sea?! They could KEEP it! Malaysia's half-amazing half-bridge would halve their stubbornness down the middle as if cleaved by the razor sharp samurai sword of ironic justice itself!
Yes, it would cost an assload more than a normal bridge, and yes, it would negate much of our chances of getting Singapore to agree to a bridge on their half, since theirs would be similarly overpriced and The Great & Terrible Monster Mentor who leads that nation hates, I say hates, paying extra for anything. But the important thing was that the will of Kubang Pasu would be seen to!

Evil geniuses just get funnier, everyday.

Then something unfortunate happened. A new government came in, and as reported by one of our Little Earthworms in High Places, this conversation took place in Putrajaya between an advisero and the new Optimus Prime Minister, Abdullus Primawi.

Advisero: Good morning, sir.
Kepala Batas: Gooooooood morning! Waoweee I'm feeling f**g*ing cuh-razeee today!!! Oh yeah, baby!!!!
Advisero (emptying half a bottle of Valium into a pot): Then you haven't had your daily tea, sir.
Kepala Batas: Oh ahm a f**g**m**j**ing par-tay animulllll! Oh Yeaow!!! (sips tea and clears throat) Ah. Yes. Sorry about that. (Sits for a while, smiling, blinking, looking generally bovine) So, umm, what do you have for me today?
Advisero: We've got the matter of this scenic bridge project, sir, which is about to commence piling work, and we need to-
Kepala Batas: Um...hang on a minute...let me have a look at those plans. (Scrutinises) We're...um...building this thing?
Advisero: Why certainly, sir.
Kepala Batas: Well, what the f**x* for? Oh, whoops. (Sips tea, pauses again for five minutes, staring into space and smiling) Yes, I was saying. Um. Why lah this bridge?

Keeping our country aman dan damai, for generations to come.

And with that, the news was out: Putrajaya reported to Jalan Riong, who, along with Phileo Damansara, reported to the general public that the planned bridge would be halted in its tracks, as if it were a thing on tracks. It must be noted that no conclusive proof could be assembled by my team of researchers to show that Phileo Damansara did in fact report on this issue, because we all couldn't be bothered to search between the ads, and in any case were waylaid by one ad on page three for really special offers at Metrojaya for the summer. Anyway after Jalan Riong reported it, it was only a matter of time before USJ weighed in on the matter, and this is where I found myself shocked - he was actually coming in in support of Kubang Pasu, someone he had previously expressed much disapproval of but now, in light of Kepala Batas' latest announcements, he was suddenly throwing his physical and metaphorical weight behind.

USJ postulated a post about how Kubang Pasu blazed in with a 16-point hit-back, which contained such gems as: it was clear and recorded in writing that I proposed to build a bridge on the Malaysian side and the Singapore PM accepted it. Thus a unilateral decision became bilateral when Singapore acceded and accepted. Any change must similarly be agreed to by both sides.
This explains, clearly, why back in his day Kubang Pasu decided to build half a bridge instead of a full bridge - he must have had a hell of a deal with the Singaporeans, huh? I mean, because he had a deal that's why the Singaporeans said 'no deal' later, right? But nevermind, we have confirmation that Kubang Pasu is telling the truth - he actually made a deal to build half a bridge, as this transcript from a top-secret Little Moleworm, who was burrowed nearby a meeting between the Singaporean and Malaysian rulers back in the day, shows.

Kubang Pasu: One more thing, Monstermentor.
Monster Mentor: Ya what?
Kubang Pasu: We need to talk about building a bridge to replace that much-overused causeway.
Mister Menstrual: No way lah flen.
Kubang Pasu: Ahaha, if you do not make a deal, I will build half a bridge on my side and join it up with the causeway! It will cost more and be really silly and an eyesore, but I will build it - why? Because I can.
Man's Tormentor: Hahhaha...that's a belly good wan, my flen - go ahead lah, buildbuild.
Kubang Pasu: We have a deal, then? I will build my half a bridge?
Minstral's Mental: HAAAAHahahahaha....yeah sure. Half a blidj. Go ahead lah flen, HAAAHhahahaa you make me laf so lowd, belly funny loh.

You may have been misled by Jalan Riong to think that Kubang Pasu had a deal with the Sensitive Spinster Moh Chiok Tongs but that, like many teenage pregnancies, is just a misconception. Although, once you think about it, the Monster Magnate/Senor Miguel/Promo Mambo government figurehead is one and the same-la. Kind of like another Trinity that people worship with incomprehensible faith and/or fear.

The testimony of an expert, however, has led us to believe that Kubang Pasu had more nefarious plans in mind when he started this whole half-bridge thing. He wanted to rid himself of the boil on his bum by blowing it away!

"Just imagine it," says Littel Birdanathan, Professori of Political Shit & Stuff at the University of Eyesore, India, "Malaysia cannot link the new half-bridge to Singapore's half-causeway without Singapore's permission. Singapore gives not this permission. One morning, preferably Saturday, the bridge will be completed anyway and Malaysia's half of the causeway detonated. Imagine the chaos when all the Singaporean cars coming across the causeway expecting to get into Malaysia end up falling into the straits! And once the Singaporeans in front of the queue start falling in, the ones in the back will think it's cool and start doing it too, to avoid falling out of line with the rest of the crowd! It is no less than an act of war!"

Warrrrrrr, soon.

Even USJ has been supporting this plan for war, as orchestrated by Kubang Pasu. In a post about those tong t-tong tong tongs, he reports on comments by Singaporean Senile Sinister Moh Chiok Tongs, who said: Economic union is possible only between two countries of equals, otherwise it is not possible, thus implying that Malaysia is not Singapore's equal. Infuriated, USJ said Malaysia should have recalled our High Commissioner to get a reality check of our international standing in the eyes of our immediate neighbour! The only reason a nation would recall its High Commissioner would be because there's some serious bombanating in the pipeline! In the fracas nobody bothered to point out to USJ that we know the Singaporeans think they're better than us, but we don't really care. Just like we don't care about the bridge or the water or that rock in the middle of the sea. I mean, it may be bad to have a boil on your butt but can you imagine how horrid it must be to actually be the boil?

Singapore, truly Asia. The burping thing is a Singaporean, after dinner.

With that, we say, Praise the Lord, Amen. Stay away from the Da Vinci Code. Mona Lisa smiles like that because she wants to PWN your ass, n00b.

Triple Trouble Threat - Three Ts That Thou Thinketh Titles This Thread

2006-04-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

Ladies and gentlemen. And ladies.
On the back of wild celebrations - instead of a horse, galloping into the sunset after another gunfight - since our announced partnership with Google, a majority of the company has taken ill due to hangovers, although foul play has not been ruled out.
Fowl play however, in the form of some minute avians has been uncategorically ruled out, despite being obvious suspects, since the mere idea of such punnery would make the Potshots staff even sicker. Oops.

Fowl play can be deadly, sejak Zaman Kesultanan Melayu Melaka.

At least half of the staff has been unable to contribute to Potshots' daily, dairy or hairy operations since early this month, due to the illness mentioned above, the recently concluded talks with Google and too much time spent taking pictures of snails.
Whatever the raison d'etre and whether there was an agent provocateur who incited too much à la mode during the night's joie de vivre, all we know is that this will not stop Potshots from bringing you the par excellence in risqué and rouge repartee thanks to the greater than ever before esprit de corps.

In other news, Potshots is now offering evening classes for those who are too lazy to click on links to find out the meaning of borrowed words used by English writers/journalists (or in fact, bloggers) who use them for no apparent reason other than to make a reader click on a link to find out what he is trying to say. C'est la vie, eh?

Voila, fresh from the fryer a minute ago.

Meanwhile, our brand spanking like a discipline teacher who's just caught someone smoking in class new email address has received a rather insightful correspondence. Here it is, reproduced verbatim, with no history tampered at all.

Underground Mail via Wormhole
From: Jill Satria Civic
To: daftoi.potshots@gmail.com
Date: Apr 27, 2006 10:01 AM
Subject: "First World Mentality"

Dear Daft 'Equinely Hung' Oi,

I don't know whether this is worth blogging. But as always, that is not the point with you. The point is truth, whether Rashomon, Pokemon or common.

The reason I am emailing - besides to proposition you, of course - is to inform you of the lack of good First World mentality in places where you most expect it - the FIRST WORLD ITSELF!
I was appalled, when I arrived, to find such a hideous sight. Just look at it!

This was only after I had visited their modern, state-of-the-art website where I took an eGENTING Virtual Tour and found such beauty in how their hotel foyer was rendered. It looked perfectly in sync with the Satria GTi that was parked in its foyer. It had me dying to park MY SATRIA GTI THERE TOO!
So, without further a deer, a female deer, I decided to book a long stay there at the soonest possibility where I could take advantage of their low season rates, instead of their shoulder, chin, nose, head, peak, super peak, peek-a-boo or prick prices. After consulting their seasonal charts, I finally found a period that was perfect!
So here I was, a decade later, with my Satria purring like a meowing hyena outside their hotel and I am aghast at what I see. It's enough to make a man commit suicide. Thankfully, I am woman. Women hold up half the sky. Because we are afraid it will fall. Funny, cause the other half doesn't seem to fall either.
But nevermind that, we must change this First World mentality and force them to repaint their building to something less 'mental'(I funny or not, Daft?).

Best regards,
Jill Satria Civic

ps: enclosed here, are two pieces of my used underwear, fresh off my creamy buttocks. Just for you, my hero!

I told you it was verbatim.

For those of you still with us, the last piece of information in today's triple goodie-two-shoes pack is that the Malaysian Blog-of-Record (unlike the NST, which isn't, although the Blog-of-Record claims that NST claims it is, a newspaper of record), Screenshots, has broken the "cardinal rule of good journalism. There is no source attributable to a reliable spokesperson."

His Holiness, the Cardinal Rule of Good Journalism, before he was broken.

In a recent entry, Ooi claims that people are asking something he cannot prove they are asking. But a nagging question begs asking: are these people make believe? Is his oft-cited Joe Public nothing more than mere fictions of his imagination? Are his Little Birds even less tangible than he claims? Who knows, but if any Jill Civics or Little Earthworms report to Daft Oi on this, you'll certainly find out, post-haste!

Google now a Potshots Premium Partner

2006-04-21T15:44:00.000+08:00

In the past few days, Potshots has not been updating its website as it had frozen - like those peas, corn and carrots that come with your hawker stall chicken chop - its own operations while negotiating a sponsorship deal with Google Ink, which comes in blue, red, yellow and green. I like green.
Lo, and behold, Google was so impressed with Daft Oi and his team, that they have offered him the position of top search result when you type in daft oi on your google search bar.

A fatter type of Lo, before he became a DJ.

Even better, they've also decided to help out any Jill Civics who want to get jiggy with Yours Truly, Madly, Deeply, by allowing them to type my name and let Google know they're feeling lucky.
"We are proud to have signed this longterm contract with Potshots as their brand, which is associated with honesty, accuracy and hari-hari makan nasi, will definitely help us pound the hapless Yahoo!li!gan!s! into submission," said Google Business Development Director Goo Gurl, who is a self-confessed Jill Civic type of girl... Type-XXX, that is.

Goo Gurl, Ogling & Googling, all night long.

In lieu of payment, Potshots Public Limited Conqueror of Universes will receive a whopping 2700+ MB email account for all loyal and patriotic fans to get in touch with Oi and have cybersex with him (note: only fit chicks need apply). The latter is all thanks to Google's generous offer of integrating Gmail Talk functions for this email address. The humongous mailbox, according to Gurl, will continue to grow in accordance with the size of public lust for Oi's hot, boiling and waiting to explode like Mount Merapi sexuality. Don't jeles.

I'm too sexy for yahoo, as most recently reported by analysts.

With this new development of course, Potshots will change its email address to reflect its new partnership with Google. In return, Google will provide Potshots with an integrated and scalable prioritised news feeds into his email interface like so.

Google news, right at my doorstep, from now on!

Not only that, Google promises to help Potshots to achieve record profits by offering the latest news of the best bargains according to whatever Oi is talking or typing about. Google is getting so intimate with us that it's like sharing a prison cell with Tom Cruise and Elton John at the same time!

So, my esteemed readers. Waste no time, get on your bikes and ride to the nearest Internet connection. If you find a handicapped or preschooler using it, don't worry, shove that Screenshots reader aside and do your bit for justice and freedom of the Press to quote Google as an official source by emailing us!

Loser likes winning

2006-04-14T07:39:00.000+08:00

Ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls, Daft Oi will admit any day to being a fast driver. Driving fast is what gave me my nickname back in my schooldays in the town of Tinbang - they called me 'fastie'. I like fast things, which is why I'm always watching motorsport, and since I'm also a patriot, I need always be training an eye on our nation's racing talents. This is why I've been watching the A1 Grand Prixs a lot, because our man Alex Yoong is blazing a trail over there, except maybe not blazing so much as sort of reheating the cold leftovers of a trail.

Yoong, bringing Malaysia to a glorious fifth place finish in the A1GP, which was recently concluded.

Alex Yoong is a big man, a man tooo big for things as small as Formula 1. That's how I always felt, which is why when I met him I'd say "Alex, why this Formula 1 nonsense, a man like you should aim for something bigger, like Formula 3 or Formula 500 or Formula 3000."
He never listened. Now I feel like corralling the guy and giving him the old 'I told you so', because he's just pretty much said the same thing recently, when he announced that he prefers A1 to F1 (note: just like 3, 500 and 3000 are bigger numbers than 1, so A is alphabetically bigger than F. Let's hope Yoong doesn't end up racing in the GP2 support races for the F1. Now that would be sinking low).

A race we hope never to find Yoong in, at least not until he grows up a little.

Yes, F1 is easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. After all, two of his former teammates at the now-extinct Minnowdi F1 team have ended up being Formula One champion and Team Williams' No.1 driver respectively. Piece of cake, this F1 business.

Anything Fernando Alonso can do, Alex Yoong can do better - by finishing second instead of first, on the same day.

Yoong explained that, "Formula One is the pinnacle of motorsport in terms of technology. It is about manufacturer against manufacturer, about engine deals and about money. A1GP is run by countries, the cars are identical, it is an equal playing field. The aim is to see which is the best team and driver, it is about the people."
Yes, Alex, it's all about the rakyat! The rakyat that you will never disappoint! The rakyat that saw you fail to qualify in an F1 race not once, not twice, no way, but three times, forever putting Malaysia into the F1 record books! Syabas and majulah sukan untuk negara!

Alex Yoong, making Malaysia known far and wide, for the past five years.

Yoong's opinion has been backed by veteran superboss and skirting-designer/remover of F1, Flavio "Flava" Briatore, "The people looking F1 because is everything together. Is the driver, is the team, is the performance, is the private jet if you want. Is the helicopter, is the girl, is the star. This is F1. Is the one big box with all these ingredient inside and are keeping the keys and we are sometime too arrogant as well. Including the team. And I believe you put a big mistake."

OK, then.

Even easier, peasier and squeezier than F1, is Flav's insightful statements on the sport, each and every time he ends up on TV.

Yoong also says that, "I would definitely stay in A1GP, it would have to be a good deal for me to move to F1. A very good deal!"
He refused to reveal what sort of deal constituted a good one, or even a 'very good' one, but with fellow A1 driver Scott Speed being the only man so far to move from A1 to F1, it would probably have to involve something incredible... like actually having an F1 car to drive. Not to mention enough talent to drive one. Perhaps he's holding out for a sponsor to help him leapfrog over that unfortunate 'talent' issue, the way 4D berjudi-judi honchos Magnum did when they offered to help the Minnowdi team continue existing in exchange for them making Yoong one of their principal drivers. Money for letting Alex drive, in other words, in the sort of deal that happens all the time in Tijuana or the shadier streets of Bangkok. Perhaps, if Potshots could so humbly suggest, he should get his current sponsors Proton to help the Stupor Aguri team of Japan, currently said to be in a position occupied by Minnowdi back when Yoong was F1's 'Defensive Driver of the Year'. Proton could give Stupor Aguri some Iswaras, which they could look at after each race, have a hearty laugh and thus relieve the stress of being designated losers. In exchange, the Aguri boys could let Yoong drive. Heaven knows, that'd provide enough comic relief without the Iswaras.

Not the ones that Yoong would want, for next season.

But Yoong is not a man to be underestimated. In his previous association with the pussy's excuse for motorsport, he came out the undeniable winner in a gamble with Magnum, striking the proper 4D combination to have himself sponsored by the promoter of our local traditional sport of crowding around an accident scene.

Supporting Malaysian motorsports, for generations to come.

After all, someone has to pay for the fact that Yoong has to work longer hours in an F1 car than he does now in an A1 car. For example, in Sepang, it's a 310km race, taking this year's winner, Giancarlo Fishyfellah 1.5 hours to complete, whereas the A1 race was a 165km affair that the faggy peace-loving French won, with a supersonic time of 1 hour. You're in and out in the time it takes to watch Teri Hatcher prance around before getting laid by the gardener.

But if any of you are math geniuses, and I know that at least one of you is, you'll realise that the average speed for an F1 race is over 200km/h whereas for an A1 skip-around-the-yard, it's 160-odd.
Meaning, Yoong would have to work much harder and risk higher chances of getting hurt in an F1 race. SO, YEAH, F1 TEAM BOSSES, BETTER PAY OUR MAN ALEX A SHITLOAD OF CASH OR YOU'LL NEVER SEE THE LIKES OF HIM OR A MALAYSIAN CHICK IN THE PITLANE AGAIN! Oh, wait, forgot about Yang Berbahagia Datuk Panglima Kosong Kosong Tujuh Kuda Melonjak Michelle Yeoh.

Datuk Michelle Yeoh, flying the Malaysian flag high in F1, every time she goes to bed with Jean Todt.

When asked to comment on whether he would finally win a race next year instead of finishing second twice in A1, or his career best seventh in F1, achieved after seeing off Pedro de la Rosa in an intense battle to not finish last in an eight-car race, Yoong refused to comment, instead walking off in the arms of his loving wife Arianna Teoh, sobbing and whining about how nobody appreciates him. The problem was exacerbated when immediately after that Yoong heard the name 'Karamjit Singh' being mentioned, something which never fails to send him into a flurry of desperate sobs. Teoh was later heard saying "There, there, he's not better than you, the earth's gravity is just a bit stronger everytime he races, so his downforce is better. Rallying is eeeaasy..."

Let's face it, you'd go sobbing to her too, as often as you could.

Don't worry, Yoong, it's okay if Karamjit has five hundred and twenty three times your talent and half the opportunities you've had, because here at Potshots, you are always appreciated for bringing a smile to our lips, specifically, the ones on our faces, just like everything else we talk about here.

Daft Oi tames the Wild

2006-04-13T23:45:00.001+08:00

Like a bridge over troubled water that was proposed 10 years ago and already invested in but then cancelled, Potshots is back with more scintillating analysis, not to be found anywhere else on the planet. Ok, more like eavesdropping, actually.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. At least mildly terrified. Because your kids will want to watch The Wild, because "got lieyearnss and geeruffss and koala!"
Eyes have not seen, ears have not heard, butts have not been this restless, since Catwoman produced a Halle Berry that seemed to be fruitier than her name.

They sure don't make 'em, like they used to.

Is this movie funny? Does it have great animation? An interesting storyline? Well, of course! It's Disney!

What could be funnier than a giraffe? Haha, it's got spots and that neck! It's ridiculous! It's perfect. I guess that's why Madagascar had one too.

Giraffes, hahahaha, snort, hehehe, could laugh at this, hahaha, forever.

What could be better than lifelike animation? I guess that's why The Incredibles sucked with its cartoony stuff, huh? Cartoons, hehe, who watches such juvenile shit anymore, right?

You know this, right? Haha, you're a loser, officially starting now.

And the plot? Sublime! Just check out this conversation I overheard on opening day between a snotty-looking 14-year-old girl and her horny, 18-year-old boyfriend who was busy trying to look down her top and blocking my view.

Artist sketch of the view that I missed, from three years ago.

Girl: This movie very fun wan. First there's a zoo in the middle of the city.
Boy: Oh, you mean like Madagascar.
Girl: No, because then at night the animals will come out and play.
Boy: Like Madagascar?
Girl: No, they play and then one animal will run from the zoo. Then they all go find him.
Boy: Madagascar lah!
Girl: No, cause then they have to go on a boat and all that and find him in the Wild!!!
Boy: Madagascar also got, what!
Girl: No! Then in the wild, they will discover some dancing animals!
Boy: You mean like Ali G in Mada-
Girl: No! It's some cows-la. Then they'll all discover true friendship and forgive each other.
Boy: Oh, like a teen movie.
Girl: Ya! That's why we must watch!
Boy: OK-la. Hey, you dropped your hairclip, bend over and get it.
Girl: OK.

Dancing cows can be disturbing to children, especially during a movie.

Once again, this has been Potshots, the first to the trivial shit that is trivialised everyday on a daily basis. Just to prove that I am serious about The Wild, I am offering two tickets to Pak Lah and Lee Hsien Loong to watch this movie and see for themselves how they can settle bilateral ties once and for all and then we can hear the tiger and lion roar. Or the merlion. Or whatever.

Penang-o bang-o bang-o

2006-04-11T10:21:00.000+08:00

It may seem as though I have abandoned you, my lovelies, but that is simply an ill illusion. In fact you are always on my mind, when the lovely flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes, oh Mandy. What happened was I took the weekend off, inspired by the Mighty King of the Malaysian Blogocastle, Jeff Ooi, and visited Penang Island.

Under normal circumstances I would do what Jeff Ooi refers to in his post on going to Penang as a ‘Joe Public’ and go to Penang via public transport. This would be because Joe Public can’t afford a car, although Jeff Public can.

But while Ooi decided to ‘do a Joe Public journey’, I decided to do something a bit different. Since the Government has asked us to 'change our lifestyles' in these days of fuel price hikes, I decided to do a Prince Leopold of Bavaria journey and drive a BMW to see how it would burn my pocket.

Hahaha, a total and utter lamebrain, recently.

The second thing was to avoid trying out the new public transport system that the Penang state government implemented effective from April 1. In this way, I won’t turn into some kind of perpetual whiner who secretly believes that Penang ought to become a republic and be allowed to turn into a dirtier, poorer, slightly less overhyped version of Singapore. Anyway, I worked out that taking a BMW would cost me RM275.20 – RM200 on petrol, and RM70 on tolls, and RM5.20 for snacks.

However, taking a BMW, didn't actually cost me the simple calculation of RM275.20 getting from Point A to Point G, without stopping by at Point F. As Jeff says, “There are many other hidden costs which I can't claim for reimbursements from anyone else.” The biggest cost in this case would be the constant risk of turning into some sort of feckless pain-in-the-arse who spends the first few paragraphs of his post talking about the high cost of modern life in a lame attempt to make people like him. Such is the life of a Prince Leopold of Bavaria.

Life is hard when you've got this many medals, circa World War I.

To get to Penang, first I drove to the ferry terminal. Then I drove onto the ferry. Then I drove off it. Then I drove onto the island. That’s about it, really. Saw lots of stuff from the inside of the BMW, which was cool like a whorehouse by the Mexican border, where they’d just fitted two-zone climate control. Firstly, there was that sore dick Komtar building, which could be seen clearly from the ghetto, standing out like proud early morning wood against the dawn sky, as the other buildings around seemed like maidens who had lost their maidenheads to the giant sore dick and were now very sore themselves.

Yes folks, it's the Night of the Sore Dick, last night.

I drove through what Ooi so evocatively termed the “city slumps in Penang”, and realized what he meant when he noted that “Penang has no plan for urban redevelopment. It looked like a terminally sick patient now entering the hospice.” Presumably this patient is male and his terminal sickness is the cause of that sore dick that he keeps complaining about. Maybe he should have spent more time with the maidens and less in the whorehouse.

The thing that shocked me the most, though – and this was the same thing that upset Ooi – was that it appears as though no attention at all is being paid to the development of Penang’s public transport system. As one of the woolly commenters on Ooi’s site has pointed out: “I think the public transport in Penang is comparable to the 3rd world country.” He did not specify which 3rd world country. Given his indignance, probably not the 3rd world country that Penang currently resides in.

But I empathise with him nonetheless. Penang's buses are a shambles, there’s no rail service to speak of, taxis try to con the pants off you without actually wanting to do anything nice and sexual and this results in a terrifying, um, result – Penangites take to the roads themselves. And drive.

Example from a Penang driver's holiday photo album, two weeks ago last Tuesday.

It is well-known and scientifically proven that Penang drivers are the worst in the universe. Their food may be so delicious that it is singled out as a mortal sin by over 27 global religions, but their drivers are just horrid.
They haven’t even invented cars on Mars yet and the little green drivers there are better than Penang’s. The French drive on the wrong side of the road and Cambodians drive on all sides of the road, but Penangis drive on whichever side of the road the oncoming traffic happens to be taking. When you use an indicator light they think your car’s malfunctioning. If they get to a curvy road they defy it and drive straight anyway. They think rear-view mirrors are there for them to check their eyeliner and flirt with rear passengers. They think the fast lane is for people who are fasting. Which is why, for the purposes of Prince Leopold of Bavaria the public transport system MUST be improved, to GET THESE PEOPLE OFF THE ROADS NOW.

Look look look see - this guy's driving in the wrong lane, every single day.

I find myself agreeing with Ooi on this matter, because if the public transport system is not improved, Penangians will continue to mire the roads of our nation in fear, stupidity and a total inability to get the hell out of the way. Some on Jeff’s blog have suggested that ministers and other public officials of note be made to take public transport in Penang so that they’ll understand the depth of the problem and work to improve it.
I, however, have a different suggestion – make them drive themselves around the island. They’ll be so frightened they’ll not only pump up the public transport budget, but they’ll turn into religious folk overnight, soothe their sore dicks and never sleep with anyone other than their spouses ever again.

So this is Potshots, freshly full of overpriced char kuay teow from the angry sister with the safety goggles, saying buy new busses, set up a monorail, hire new drivers*, institute the death penalty for not staying in your own lane – whatever it takes, just do it so that driving to Penang will once and for all not involve driving among Penangoids.

*Please hire drivers from outside Penang. Please.

Thousands die as History succumbs to digital manipulation.

2006-04-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

*BREAKING LIKE AN EGG FROM A BIRD WITH H5N1 NEWS*

After the latest spate of either somebody twiddling his fingers or filing her nails or fudging up some pictures, thousands of lives have been claimed in the devastating aftermath of History taking a walk in the park and suddenly being ambushed by some shady characters.

Another shady character, just before a downpour.

The first signs were uncovered by the Shepherd Whose Rod and Staff, They Comfort Me, Jeffovah Ooisbergskistein, who expertly deduced - without a calculator, mind you, to his mother's great pride - that pictures by Reuter's photographer Basuki aka Bazuki aka Whatever Else Jeff Wants To Call Me Because He Is A Great Journalist And This Means He Checks His Names and Facts Religiously had been digitally manipulated by either Ba?uki, Reuters or the newspaper that published the manipulated image, Berita Harian Kecuali Ahad.

Rumours that Ooi used an abacus are unconfirmed, as of now.

Whoever the guilty party is, it became obvious that the price of an eye-catching picture devoid of some monkeys making people faces is far too high as the earth-shattering and sky-dropping after effects of such unrighteous irresponsibility started to unfold, doing the very opposite of what a Filipino maid might do after doing the ironing.
To illustrate that this was no game of chance that the media was playing, Ooi proceeded to tease us with a little puzzle, asking "Now, take a look of the pictures again. Spot the difference and tell us, which one is the faked Bazuki?" before proceeding to tell us exactly which one was the original.
Now, perhaps this may still be a tough one to crack for the average Screenshots reader, since it's only in school that they teach penaakulan mantik, everyone's favourite gameshow on the Math Channel on TVP. But for the rest of us, a short bit of chin-stroking after overcoming the initial burst of "What the hell is Jeff Talking About" coursing through our cranial neurons, would reveal that Ooi is talking business, and not just the sort of business that he writes of for The Scribe.

Dropping to second, on this week's favourite gameshow list.

And so it was that the ghosts of the missing monkeypeople went to visit History, who was trying his best to be original and not be repeated, which he always fails to do, but tries anyway. These spirit beings proceeded to knock the bloody stuffing out of History, although it only turned out to be rather old cranberry stuffing instead.
And so, reality and the universe themselves were shaken to their very roots - whereupon, my trusty Earthworms finally realised that something was going on.

Artist sketch of old cranberry stuffing from the temporal crime scene continuum, just minutes ago.

They hearkened unto the whaling wails of the walls of the world and discovered that history has been changed forever! Just like in that movie where Arnold Schwarzeniggahplease goes back in time to end Michael J. Fox who ends up sleeping with his grandma and ends up being his own grandfather which explains why Fry is such a retard in the end.

Watch out Fry, he's going to get you, sooner or later.

My Little Earthworms have uncovered in this new, changed history, America apparently decided not to invade Apple's iRaq or Afghanistan and instead pulled out all their troops from the Middle East. Such a pussy move resulted in those rabid Jihadderizing Angels of Death continuing to destroy buildings across America, resulting in far more lives being lost than in the wars (that now don't exist). After all, logic dictates that if someone complies to your demands, you can always expect that person to continue to be your bitch.

MIGHT IS RIGHT!

Don't believe that history has been changed? Just check out what Ooi, in his capitalised and emboldened state, said earlier today;

JEFF OOI says: ...An apprentice cook like you want to meddle with bolts and nuts in a mechanic's workshop? Or an alchemist's lab?

...and also

JEFF OOI says: ...We don't suffer fools here.

Human civilisation has had its fate rewritten and now, Screenshots has an entirely new readership, totally devoid of the fools who thought that since this altered picture didn't lie, it's only akin to an article that has some facts edited out due to irrelevance. Why did we ever listen to such deviously seductive common sense that appealed to our wicked nature of good judgment?
Even more disturbingly, bolts and nuts are found in an alchemist's lab! If alchemy instead of chemistry exists today, then the Age of Reason has not truly taken over and magic still exists! The Stone, Bronze, Industrial and Band Ages got all confused and rolled around until we are left with but one last frightful question to ask...

"Why does a question that begs also have to nag?"

Crossword (Puzzle) FLASHYNEWSFLASHY

2006-04-04T11:03:00.000+08:00

Saviour of the Universe, Jeff Ooi has uncovered another heinous crime on the part of the mainstream media monsters! As he has reported in a post today, the long-standing crossword puzzles concocted by beloved humourist and all-round beloved person Uncle Yap have been discontinued in the Brand Spanking New Sunday Times. Yes, discontinued.

One Screenshots commenter, in between bleats and baas, had this to say: "Is it just me,or has poor Uncle Yap just become the innocent victim of a rather pedantic war-of-words between two very articulate yet very stubborn men?"

Yes of course! It's obvious! There is a feud on, a vendetta, and naturally it is a viciously effective tactical strike to discontinue the Sunday crossword puzzle in order to gain a strategic edge in this "war-of words"! Because, you see, just like in a war-of-fire you can never ignore the crossfire, in a war-of-words you can never ignore the crossword! I can't see why I never reached this conclusion earlier.

Potshots has sent out the Little Earthworm brigade to dig up more information, but for now they have only unearthed one interesting fact - it appears Uncle Yap practises a new form of religion that worships crossword puzzles. As Jeff Ooi himself puts it, "I do know Uncle Yap crafted his crossword religiously not for the money". I'm endeavouring to contact Uncle Yap myself and find out more about this crossword religion - which has been identified as 'Crosswordism' - as well as whether he considers himself to be like the Pope or the Dalai Lama, since he's the Uncle of this religion.

Until then, this is Potshots, always with the latest, the greatest and the updatingatest. Don't be a pawn, move the pawns, and remember Warcraft III is for wusses.

It is said that the Crosswordists have considered this book deeply offensive and heretical, ever since it was published.

"Untitled" aka "Jeff Ooi's Boon is Mills & Boon" aka "Erotica!"

2006-04-03T20:31:00.000+08:00

It's a fact often ignored by my legions of adoring fans (this means you) that I am in fact quite a cultured and sophisticated lover of culture and sophistication. Without the arts, the blessed arts, what an empty life I would lead. Recently I was watching 'M! Th!e Ope! ra!!!' and I found it very artistic indeed, although not quite as affecting as the staging of Herald Punter's 'The Homecoming', which had lots of guys walking around on stage in their underpants. Of course I thought this was very nice for the girls, and is in line with the 9th Malaysia Plan, which has a lot of good things for the girls.

Under the 9th Malaysia Plan there will be many more men running around in underpants, which makes the girls happy, often.

So it pleases me no end when a fellow superpundit and personal mentor like the Hurricane Katrina of the Malaysian Blogoweatherpattern, Jeff Ooi, produces artistically cultured works that are pleasing for me to read. What surprised me upon hearing this news from one of my astute Little Bookworms, though, was the genre that Monsieur Ooi had selected for the flexing of his creative muscle - erotica. I must admit this is one of my favourite genres of fiction, introduced to me a long time ago by my friend the literary aesthete/VCD man. But what surprised me was that Ooi too shares this love for erotica, a much misunderstood genre. I say to all who condemn, just read the scripts for Gwendolyn Goes Down To Ghana and Caroline's Run Out Of Cows and tell me you won't be in tears by the last page. Am I right Jeff?

Jeff Ooi's good buddy Fabio says "read more erotica, dudes, or else I won't put my pants back on, and I already don't wear them very, often".

Ooi has posted regarding an interest in erotica before, and professed his love for Judith McNaught. He is an avid reader of romance novels and has studied the differences between various types of romance literature, such as Mainstream Romance and Erotic Romance. He challenges us to "find out if you belong to the older generation trapped in the belief that romances are just frivolous reading." Right on, Jeff, stick it to those fuddy-duddies. What's wrong with some good ol' throbbing member action, eh? As he goes on to add, erotica's focus is "the sex. It does not necessarily have stories that hinge on a relationship between two characters." Now we're talking, Jeff.

But this new entry of his is not just about furthering his status as a guru of erotica. No, this time he is actually producing the stuff for himself, oozing it out his pores like sweat off a man standing naked outside in the hot sun. Ooi's creative effort appeared in a post titled Milan, PDU 9516, and it seems to fall under an obscure category of erotica which deals with South Pacific Canoe Fever (SPCF), where subjects fantasise rather vividly about modes of transportation, specifically canoes.

Oh, you saucy tease, how you tease us all, often.

I have no idea if Jeff's fixation is a new offshoot of this disorder, since he never mentions canoes specifically, instead going on and on about cars, buses and planes. His erotica begins rather innocently, with Ooi outlining his decision to take public transport (as opposed to drive) back to Penang for Cheng Beng, which is a festival where folks get together to say hi to a bunch of dead people. At first he claims that he does this to "see how it would burn my pocket", but as with all great erotica this is simply the classic innocent premise that is subverted by the ensuing lust-filled extravaganza of lovin' - other examples include the 'let's all stay together in this haunted manor' premise and the 'excuse me nurse, but I've got a strange swelling' premise, both frequently used in the best erotica films.

Things start getting hot and heavy when Ooi gets off the express bus from KL and onto a local bus to head for some kind of jetty. There, as he recounts, the "'conductor', also a young Indian chap, just smiled coyly and collected my fare." It seems this young Indian chap and his association with the transport industry awakened things which are best left in slumber, for soon after Jeff produces these two paragraphs, seeded with a series of slippery similes, breathed over with the best of heavy breathing. Hold on to your pants, dear readers, for things are about to get hot.

"The bus was a ramshackle and has seen better days. Its inside was dusty, hasn't been bathed inside out for years. The temperature in the coach was apparently warmed by the leaking heat insulant and the aircon compressor noise. I could feel it was as uncomfortably warm as a whorehouse at the Mexican border.
The bus took us many residential areas, trespassing the ramshackle ghettos that made up Jalan Jelutong, Perak Road and finally around Pranging Road where Komtar stood like a sore dick. The familiar Shangri-:La Hotel seemedlike a maiden stripped of her virtue as it now looked more a traders' hotel."

I met up with erotica expert Dr. Littel Birdanathan, Professor of Comparative Comparisons Of Literature, You Philistines at the University of Eyesore, India. He singled out Ooi's writing as top-notch erotica.

"Notice, if you will, his that the bus he describes is dirty and "hasn't been bathed inside out". This humanises the bus, making it seem like a dirty loose woman who needs a good bath. He also repeatedly uses of the word 'ramshackle'. This is evocative of the ramshackle state of modern sexuality, with its many offshoots and permutations. So it's not just that Mr. Ooi is turned on by this filthy bus, it's that he takes the bus as a symbol for sexuality. The use of the word 'ghetto' is very evocative as well, as within the dictates of hip-hop culture the 'ghetto' is where you would go to seek out 'dem hoez', and as we all know Mr. Ooi has aspirations to be a rapper. He uses 'trespassing', as well, which segues brilliantly into his later simile involving the hotel that is like a former virgin who has now been trespassed. Finally, in a cunning linguist (hehe, ok, not funny) move, he has emphasised the phallic tradition of hotels by using a colon to turn the phrase 'Shangri-La' into the more visually phallic 'Shangri-:La'. Very clever indeed."

Bertie Bus and his sidelong glance make Jeff Ooi go 'hubba, hubba' and 'meow', often.

Beyond that point, Ooi's post drops the lush language and takes on a certain subtlety, which may or may not indicate an orgy that transpired at a transport depot involving a "young Malay chap, who looked like a college student", "an old nyonya", "people of my Joe Public type", as well as various "elderlies, Chinese, Malays, Indians, the South Indian Muslim converts". Sweet.

He doesn't state anything outright, but to people with degrees in Big Fat Dangly English Literary Bollocks like myself, sentences like this are very telling: "The second conductor 'negotiated' for us to board the second bus. But the driver of the second bus refused to let us in. He was going back to Bukit Jambil and Bayan Baru. When he smilingly endured the #@&* from second conductor of the first bus, we had to quickly to follow his trails as he made his way amidst the restless crowds back to the first bus."

We can only imagine what this mysterious organ called #@&* might have been.

As always, this is Potshots, your one and only site owner who's been called "full of shite, a dim wit and a muggy scumbag with soppy bollocks" by expert wannabe-British commentators, saying treat yourself to some erotica and take good care of your #@&*. Peace out and golden showers.

Jeff Ooi champions bad phototaking... (2)

2006-04-01T23:07:00.000+08:00

At Potshots, I am very remorseful. I have discovered that I am in fact a liar, a fraud, a manipulator of the truth. I know this because the Prince of Free Speech, Jeff Ooi, said so. He said so on his blog, the Crowning Jewel in the Blogotiara, Screenshots.

You see, Ooi's good buddy CY Leow, a photographer for a national daily advertisement delivery device, has been given a chance to post on a scourge that is warping minds and sullying journalism worldwide - photoshop. Leow goes into the reasons at length, and Ooi also features some comments from some guy who claims to be named John Long but denies being a pornographic superstar.

Photoshop is bad, I now realise that, so I would like to come clean on my use of such tools in the past. Sure, I don't actually use Photoshop, I only use Paint, but I have to say I Photoshopped these things because if I say I Painted them you beautiful morons are going to get the wrong idea.

Here is a cunningly photoshopped picture I made, using an image of a t-shirt from the internet and an image of Ooi's face...

...which I got from this untampered pic, in my earlier days.

Why is this Photoshoppainting of images so horrible? Well, think of the human casualties. CY Leow posted these two pictures on Screenshots and made clear to me what a horrible toll these practices exact on all sorts of nice things.

A picture of Ummi Hafilda Ali, professional virgin, a hell of a long time ago if you ask me.

Another picture of Ummi Hafilda Ali, professional virgin - but this time full of lies! Lies! Fallacies! Fabrications! Save our children from these fork-tongued photographs, before it is too late.

Yes, I'm sure your heart is rent in two now for the loss of those empty photoframes, cruelly tipp-exed out of history. As that worthy crusader CY Leow put it, "You readers might think that this is NO BIG DEAL, hello… you are CHANGING HISTORY, that picture is a WITNESS to history!"

Yes, 50 YEARS FROM NOW, dear readers, your children and grandchildren, bastards and grandbastards will NEVER KNOW that those two photoframes ever existed! Their knowledge of history will be terminally incomplete and skewed! It will be like that Michael J. Fox movie where he totally kissed his mum and stuff!

In order to atone for my past misdeeds of bumping off witnesses to history, I got into my time machine and travelled 50 YEARS FROM NOW - when it is revealed that Ummi Hafilda was, in fact, not a fulltime salaried virgin, but only an incidental, amateur hobbyist virgin - to get in touch with those two deleted photo frames, so I could ask them what they thought of the whole matter. Of course, I could just have tracked them down in the present, but that would have been the kind of thing those pseudo-journalists at Malaysian newspapers would have done. Real journalists use time machines.

Potshots: How did it feel to be so cruelly sliced from the bosom of history?
Left Frame: I was really upset about it. I went home and told all my family-members to look out for me in the paper, and then don't have. People don't even believe me now when I tell them that I was there. How?
Right Frame: Yes, but it was worth it to have seen that woman from the backside.
Left Frame: She's a virgin, you know.
Potshots: OK.

But at this point I'd like to point out the point that I am not alone in being guilty of photoshoppin', and I feel others should atone too. For example, there's the men's magazine FHM. Normally their standards of journalism are very high indeed, but I realised recently that they PHOTOSHOP THE WOMEN ON THEIR COVERS. Yes, readers, those ARE NOT TRULY HISTORICAL WOMEN. I experienced this for myself when I was very much enamoured by pictures of Asha Gill that they printed, until I met her in person and realised that she was dumb. Clearly FHM is guilty of photoshopping the dumbness out of those pictures!

Asha Gill, pre-photoshopping (left) and post-photoshopping (not left), before her dumbness became obvious on Channel V for Lonely Planet.

And if you think that's bad, look here:

Just look at this shamelessness. And what's more, it's from the prestigious Time Magazine. It's a man on the moon! A man. On the moon. Seriously. Who comes up with this stuff? We hope they will end this evil TAMPERING WITH HISTORY, sometime soon.

But alas (and alack), I have discovered that not even the Mighty And Terrible Ooi is immune from this Photoshopping disease. A Little Earthworm sent me an e-mail recently saying "Look at the post titled "How Dare You English Tabloid Editors!" and see if you think it's in bad taste." I checked and yes, it's true, Ooi has photoshopped images as I shall now demonstrate.

This is not the way the Wiley Miller strip looked when the NST published it! No, Ooi has removed the name of the Prophet Formerly Known As MHMMD in order to TAMPER WITH HISTORY as we know it, up to this point.

And if that's not enough, he went further:

Now Jeff, we all know you think the NST's production values are low, but do you honestly expect us to believe that they printed a paper with A GREAT BIG RED ARROW and a YELLOW COMIC STRIP in it?!! You have TAMPERED WITH HISTORY! Why do you let us down, Jeff, so bloody often?

Furthersomemore, that picture you see of him on his site? Yes, it's PHOTOSHOPPED TOO! Check this:

Clearly Ooi has altered this picture to make himself look as ugly as possible, because he heard that chicks dig the ugly guys and the pretty boy thing has actually been failing him, all along.

Perhaps all this stems from the fact that it has become part of modern culture to photoshop. Here, one of our Earthworms on the beat snapped this picture of some people photoshopping.

They're so eager to indulge in this evil, they even bother to queue up, for hours.

Clearly, all this TAMPERING WITH HISTORY must STOP. It doesn't matter that Joe Public and Jill Civic didn't care that the media alter images, they are deluded and we must protect their fragile minds!

Hence, to all bloggers, my advice is to stay your course. Don't be a pawn. Rather, you should be the ones pushing the pawns on the chessboard -- for the larger good. Just make sure you leave the queen for me to get jiggy with.

Traffic at Potshots goes through the roof of a hobbit's home.

2006-04-01T13:43:00.000+08:00

Over the past two days, traffic at this butter-spreading-edge site has been... for want of better word, it's mind-boggling. Awesome even.
There can be only one reason for this, and it's not naked pictures of Siti Nurhaliza - although the very mention of that on this space will definitely result in a dozen hits over the next couple of days. Someone famous must've linked to this site!

Someone even more famous than this movie linked to Potshots, at 9.46pm last night.

After some in-depth investigation, meaning, I visited my sitemeter referrals page, I discovered that droves of what I can only assume to be people, since rumours of sheep using ICT other than visiting Screenshots is unconfirmed, have been beaming up to Potshots via everyone's favourite Malaysian exclamation - Aisehman!

All that beaming from Aisehman has turned Scotty into an old man, very quickly.

Apparently, Aisehman claims that we have Killer Wit. Potshots would like to take this time to deny that we are harbouring any murderers, let alone those whose name is Wit, or that we have participated in the death of anything except some Little Earthworms, lost due to lack of protection for journalists in the frontline.

Charles Manson is not to be found here, until he gets parole at least.

Whether this is because I once mentioned him too, I'm not sure. But Daft Oi's heart is warmed by Aisehman's gift and thanks him for doing his bit for liberty, democracy and afternoon tea.
Daft Oi would like to take this time to tell him and other friends of this site, "Thank you for your support. We are all patriotic bloggers and need to stand up for each other, kan?"

Who To Make Fun Of... a lesson by Jeff Ooi

2006-03-30T00:39:00.000+08:00

It's not often that Daft Oi can be taught anything, either because he knows so much already or because he's too Daft.
And that opening sentence was not really meant to tickle the funny bone, but to illustrate how some humour may be used safely. Making fun of yourself is always perfectly fine.
And that previous sentence, was used to illustrate what I learnt from Malaysia's pre-Eminem blogger/podcaster/videocaster/spellcaster/rollercoaster/tigerpoacher Jeff Ooi. That you should always be unfunny in your first sentence and then proceed to be a complete parody of yourself or if you must, make fun of people who don't exist.

Another specimen, from the preEminem days.

Yes, clever. Pandai, sepandai kancil, and not just the Perodua kind, which is only smart like you, which, if you're a Screenshot reader, is well above your peer average, the kanak-kanak Tadika Montessori. By making fun of people who don't exist, you can elicit a few laughs, even if they're just awkward or charitable, with no chance at all of any repercussions.

An example of a form of repercussion, around the time Hitler lost Berlin.

Unlike the idiocy of a person who was genuinely funny, that is Wiley E. Coyote of Non Sequitur fame, who incidentally, has reappeared in the NST, now that people who I shall refrain from making fun of, have gone back home to be with their loving families and high petrol prices. He decided to make fun of people who actually existed, that is, people who were making a mountain out of some kuaci shells.

We are family, every week.

Ah, but Si Ooi jumps on the crocodiles backs safely across the river by insulting... Jews instead! Haha, how original! I mean, who makes Catholic jokes anymore? They're so dated. Make fun of the Jews, instead. After all, they don't exist, that nonexistent race of people who are causing a nonexistent and perpetual state of nonexistent war in the Middle East. And they sure as heck don't exist in a country full of people with loving families and high petrol prices! And let's make fun of a nonexistent ritual they have that is only practiced by these same people who fill our country and have loving families and high petrol prices. And nobody will be offended!

Does not exist, yesterday, today, forever.

And then, he bemoans, mockingly, the dearth of an endangered species in our home country, i.e., e.i.e.i.o, good men. Think about it for a moment. Not too long though, or you'd have wasted your time. He's making fun of the fact that what? You got it, that some people who don't exist, DON'T EXIST! Well, close enough, at least. If there are only a few of them, like for example, people who still worship the Goddess Kali, or in fact, someone whose name contains those two syllables, then they don't really count! Brilliant! Si Ooi is funnier than Robin Williams, Russell Peters and George Bush combined!

Hah! Jeff is funnier than you, will ever be.

In other news though, if people do exist, you must clamp down hard on the fact that they are successful. DIGI is fighting the pricing war against Maxis and meanwhile, Ooi is chipping in with some rhetoric that all Maxis subscribers will annoyingly ignore because as Screenshots readers point out, people love their service provider for whatever crap they give you, anyway!

And I guess the previous paragraph explains this entire blog. Yes, aku jeles of anybody who is successful... just like everybody else. This has been Potshots, once again, making fun of your eight-legged, quadruple-titted aunty, who of course, doesn't exist.

Yes, I am jealous of the everpopular Simpsons, but since they don't exist... HAHA! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE FIVE FINGERS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE, for as long as Matt Groening owns you.

Police Academy 200

2006-03-27T22:47:00.000+08:00

Last week saw the passing of the 199th anniversary of the Malaysian dePolice Royale even though it didn't have any eyes. Or noses to smell our water, or ears to hear the stupid way that the Morning Crew plagiarised Chuck Norris facts and pretended to be original by replacing Chuck Norris with Jackie Chan. Remember Jackie Chan? Yes, he still thinks he can fly. Chuck Norris meanwhile, sends everything else flying.
In the Newer and Straighter and Unseamed Times, Uncle, Pak Cik, Tuanku, Patik, Abang, Ah Kung Abdullah Badawi said to the only cute boys and girls in blue other than the Smurfs that criticism shows public cares.

Despite their courtesy campaign, no one in the police force has as yet, achieved Smurfette levels of adorabububububleness, 199 years on.

Because Daft Oi is a great patriot - not only because he carries a humongous missile wherever he goes - he too, is a caring citizen and would not miss such a change to show his utterly selfless caring, sharing and the One ring.

Daft Oi promises to protect you from Nazgul, forever.

As such, in view of what experts on the Potshots Dream Team predict must certainly be the 200th anniversary of our Please Force next year, we have compiled a short wishlist of criticisms, things we'd like to see changed by the time 2007 rolls by.

Peugeot has another kind of 2007 rolling by, probably by next year.

1. Let the criminals shoot the people. Your job is to save lives.

2. Let the Health Ministry handle exercising and medical checkups. You can solve crimes instead.

A regular Sherlock Holmes, missing from our police force, since 1807.

3. Speaking of crimes, how about stopping real criminals like thieves, murderers and rapists instead of drunkards, gamblers or highway speeders or plain innocents.

4. None of you are Grissom or Detective Vic Mackey. So quit it with that Edisi Siasat and Gerak Khas shit.

Another case for Edisi Siasat, same channel, same time.

5. How about getting to an emergency call in the same day for a change?

Just five. I'd have given you more but then there are others I must care for, which shall be heard in coming entries. Even though you'd actually have to read instead of hear it. Potshots, your Gunung Kinabalu of proud patriotism, signing out, like a baseball umpire.

Who are you and what have you done with the real Jeff Ooi?

2006-03-23T23:24:00.000+08:00

It is not often that Daft Oi's mighty intellect is perplexed. The last time it happened was when I discovered quantum physics... or was it when I couldn't find my keys...

But recent reports that I have gathered from my deeply rooted Little Earthworms have pointed to a disturbing fact. That The Coolest Cucumber in the Nasi Lemak That Is The Malaysian BlogoFoodoCourto, Jeff Ooi, has turned into the uncoolest Tech Geek in the World!

Just like the cucumber, the aubergine is another fruit often mistaken for a vegetable, since caveman times.

And how has this metamorphosis happened? How did this transformation transpire? What devilish form of transmogrification has Ooi undergone? Were any children hurt in the process? Who knows, save God and Wikipedia and even then, these are not as reliable sources as the little animals that have become the standard bearers of the unquestionable truth, so help me God.

Artist depiction of Ooi's current state, kini.

What we do know, is that all this occured very shortly after Ooi took Flight SQ-U@R3 to America. The team at Potshots Sdn Bhd Corporation Limited Foundation Institute have come up with several theories. After a lot of ROFLMAO, one theory stood the test of the giggles and it is that AMERICA HAS STOLEN HIS SOUL!
Yes, that bitch of a country, that Jezebel, that Succubus of nations, has seduced our champion of Selflessness in Times of Self-Promotion, has sucked the very light of life from his heart and turned him into a gibberish (Buzzwords: Mobility, Innovation, and Day-to-Day Problem-solving)-spouting Techie.

Chairman ROFL MAO says that's funny shit, during the revolution.

And what evidence do we have to support this theory? Well, there was the sudden post on material that kept him warm through his youth, and performing through his old age, displaying how that land of sin has corrupted his mind whilst reversing his memories so as to reconstruct his adulthood.
Secondly, those listening in to the thundering hooves of buffalo at the grassroots with Chief Shitting Bull will know that on numerous occasions, visitors to America have found themselves being changed utterly!

Otterly and utterly are quite different. Same as how augur and auger are quite different, since dictionaries were first published.

I present, exhibit A - Coming To America, where an African prince goes to Queens, New York City to find a wife... Queens, hehe, how punny. But what happens by the end of the movie? Nigger's changed, man!

The Nutty Professor was in fact, quite chocolate-y, back when he was still a prince.

Exhibit B, Shanghai Noon where a Chinese secret agent goes to America to save his princess and becomes... a cowboy! Wah lan eh!

Jackie Chan still thinks the Lone Ranger has powers of flight, til today.

However, there is yet still hope that some remnant of Ooi remains in his disfigured figure, that isn't like a Coke bottle or an hourglass. That remnant is of his signature cutting and visionary perception. Able to cut through the fogs of rationality and proper consideration to spout such gems of diamond-like fruit-slicing abilities as "For want of better word, it's mind-boggling. Awesome even.", "No title a.k.a. Fed-up" (where he expresses his views on a new product called difficulty login, one can only presume it's a security measure, since it's hampering his "user experience" as a Malaysian blogger, and we all know what a dangerous man he is - such a threat to security that he picks up chicks with sexy-as-cold-fungus lines as "you do realise that after meeting me, you may end up on a blacklist?" - cue James Bond music) and "Have alternative browsers Firefox and Safari threatened IE’s dominance? No. As far as user traffic log can tell, IE still remains the browser of choice for more than 65% among Screenshots readers." (yes, Screenshots, which takes up 86.547% of the Internet with its bazillion teracotta bytes of broadband content for the national broandband plan daily, nevermind that we haven't been careful enough to factor in that Screenshots readers tend to speak in a language that consists only of the syllable "baa").

Imagine gajillions of these oozing out of the pores of Screenshots, daily.

So, mothers, tuck your children in safe tonight becuase your hopes of running away with the sexbomb that is Jeff Ooi has not yet totally been extinguished like a candle in the wind that Ooi breaks. Rioters, have no fear, Ooi may yet incite you to greater and bigger things, such as issues that concern all Malaysians, not just those who have no sense of humour or can't pay for your petrol.

Their issue, is that you can't buy them love, back in the 60s.

This has been Potshots, carrying the torch that is made by Maglite that is heavy enough to bust your skull. Bring it.

Jeff Ooi offering free tickets to see 'V for Vendetta'!

2006-03-21T10:20:00.000+08:00

By shaving herself bald for a leading role, Natalie Portman is even more hotterer (terer - haha, so punny!) than ever before. However, The Masked Man Of Free Speech Who Wears An Ultraman Mask, Jeff Ooi, didn't notice this, since he must have been stunned by Portman's latest film, V for Vendetta.

As he wrote in a recent post, "The movie's title hit me smacked in the face." What this means is unclear due to the curious tenses, although a Diminutive Earthworm informed me that the sentence is accurate, for the word 'hit' is rhetorical, referring to the emoto-spritual impact that reading the words V for Vendetta had on our man Jeff, whereas the word 'smacked' refers to the smacking that he had received from his aunty immediately prior to reading the title. Thus he was in a smacked state when the title hit him, although it is unclear whether the movie hit him in the face where he had been smacked, or whether his aunty had smacked him on his bottom as is usual, and it was only the movie that impacted his visage.

In what is a curious and unprecedented turn of events, unlike all of Giancarlo Fisichella's turns last weekend, it appears Ooi actually likes this movie - it has been previously posited that Ooi, being a cyborg, doesn't like anything - although whether he is capable of understanding it is a different matter altogether.

"Jeff Ooi?! Jeff Ooi is a sluggardly buffoon from the depths of the online garbage heap," exclaimed V for Vendetta author Alan Moore upon being harassed for comment, "He can't understand my work! Nobody understands my work! Nobody who hasn't a beard like mine could ever fail to understand what I'm not trying to avoid saying with my work!"

More likely to be grown by Jeff Ooi's aunty than himself, after a five o'clock shadow.

But what's going on here, actually? Does Ooi believe himself to be the verbose masked avenger from the film, known only as V? Could he possibly truly be V? And if he is V or even believes so, then does he have a vendetta like the hero of said film? Is he backtracking on the times when he said, "What Vendetta?" Such things must be left to my Little Earthworms, who first uncovered the fact that Ooi believes there are certain poetic parallels between his own story and that of the movie.

"Recently, during the time when The NST shot itself on the foot over some caricatures and got its first ever show-cause letter from the government but got away scot-free, this blogger was accused of conspiring with A. Kadir Jasin to wage a personal vendetta against the newspaper, an oxymoron that will fail in Critical Thinking 101 in a USM degree," he writes, appearing to invent a whole new, and as yet indeterminate, meaning for the word 'oxymoron.' It should be noted that it appears Ooi did in fact study at USM, in my eternal fandom I dug up the fact that he did take the Critical Thinking 101 course, where he performed the unprecedented feat of failing his lecturer and all his fellow students. Who cares if they never listened, eh Jeff? We know where right is, and it's not where might is, or perhaps it is.

The NST, post-cartoonania.

After a while staring at this post of his, though, I came to a conclusion that, so far, all my Earthworms have confirmed. This is that Jeff Ooi must be the very same V of V for Vendetta fame. Firstly, there are distinct parallels between the chilling grinning Guy Fawkes mask used by V and Ooi's own mask, which makes you wonder how hideously disfigured the man must be underneath it.
Secondly, Ooi is a freedom fighter, as we all know, and a trained commando schooled in the art of hand-to-hand knife combat. Are you scared yet? You should be. Because if Ooi is V, only one earth-shattering conclusion remains - Ooi wants to blow up the houses of parliament.

Who will save us... now?

"I don't vish for any such violence," he said when asked for comment, "Verily, I do vouchsafe that I am very, very, very, very, very in vogue and vould valiantly vatch our vanguard from the vicious voodoo that vacantly vallows in our vaters, until ven I can be windicated, er, I mean vindicated."

In a mirror of the movie posters showing an army of supporters coming out wearing Guy Fawkes masks for V, Ooi's own militia have already started trying to copy his newfound linguistic habits, although with somewhat less satisfactory results, such as this:
"Gosh, V'm vurprised vit vis vot vanned vin Valaysia!" target=_blank People, I don't make this stuff up, seriously. Well, not all of it, honest.

However, the news that Jevv Vooi is V comes as small potatoes next to big-ass potatoes when compared to the news that he has offered to donate free movie tickets to some arguing people in order to let them watch the movie and, one can assume, they can realise how fantastic he is and how much he sounds like Hugo Weaving. If that isn't enough unexpected generosity, Ooi has offered "Another two free tickets if you wanna be the judge sitting among the two of them." Why someone would need two tickets to be the judge sitting between them remains to be seen, unless perhaps Ooi is expecting some really fat people who take up more than one cinema seat to be applying for these free tickets.
Who cares, anyway, this is an offer of a free movie and if you're smart you'll do as I have done and e-mail Ooi to redeem your two tickets immediately. No questions, no slogans, no catch! This certainly puts paid to my recent suggestion that Ooi is a tightwad - here, finally, are the reader freebies we have all eager awaited!
It is currently unclear, however, if these 'free' tickets are in fact 'free' in the traditional sense of the word, or 'free' in the sense of Ooi's 'free' speech, which is in fact not free but shackled permanently to something the experts refer to as 'stupidity'.

Potshots, once again, with the most up-to-date bollocks this side of its overuse in a movie.

Committees! Religionism! Bigfoot! The best in stale news!

2006-03-21T01:19:00.000+08:00

So okay, Daft Oi has been away from some time and thus I've fallen behind on providing you, my faithful readerlings, with all the news that's fit to make you go 'what the hell is this guy on about anyway'.

Recently I updated you on the VSS (Voluntary Super Sweepstakes) that took place within the as-yet unlocated halls of The Blog That Just Keeps On Blogging. The Mahaswami Guruji-san of Free Love & Free Speech, Jeff Ooi, failed to entice any of his employees, namely himself, to leave, and this appears to have had adverse effects on his productivity.

Note exhibit 1. Ooi, previously revered as an authority on mathematics, appears to have lost his counting faculties. His increased workload and the failure of his VSS have resulted in a ton of work for him, each ton of work being equivalent to sucking forty Paddle Pops in 36 minutes. He pleads for aid in a post titled 'Help Me Count', where he tearfully admits to his readers, or at least the ones who know how to read, that "I have lost track of the spate of Cabinet committees formed since April 2004. Can you help me out on this?"

Not to worry Jeff, for I have laboured and struggled over the past few days, devoting my holiday hours to you and consulting several leading authorities at the National University of Singapore such as Uncle Kwai the cleaning guy. I've managed to enumerate the lengthy list that you so lovingly compiled on your site, a list of all the cabinet committees formed since two whole years ago. There are seven.

Anyway, this post on Committees actually hints at a solution to Ooi's debilitatingly Himalayan pile of work - the formation of Committees! Our experts all agree that not only would this Committee On Helping Jeff Count Stuff be advisable, but that it's already in the works, and in fact one of the members has already been selected.

An artist's rendition of the Committee going 'Alright, shouldn't someone have asked Jeff to buy more computers or something?", as soon as the man is outed as the cheapskate that he is. Where are the reader freebies, Jeff? They have been awaited, for so long now.

Note exhibit 1. In another not-so-recent post, Ooi quotes an endearingly-named blog, known simply as Aisehman. I guffawed upon hearing this name in my head as I was reading it, for it is a witty use of Malaysian slang, you see. Those of you who are not from Malaysia may be blinking stupidly now (only partly because you're stupid), but the explanation is simple - 'Aisehman' is a term a Malaysian would use to denote a certain ever-so-slightly melancholic sense of regret over opportunities lost to the irrevocable appendages of time, often accompanied by a slap to the forehead. I produce for the benefit of my comrades, colleagues and readers, some examples:
"Aisehman, if I had known it was your porridge I wouldn't have spat in it."
or
"Aisehman, why didn't you inform me that following your testicular cancer operation you have only 1 ball? Had I known, I would have kicked your backside instead."

Aisehman! - somewhat recently.

I believe quite strongly, following consultation with the constellations, that this Aisehman is the first Committee member for Helping Jeff Count Stuff. He's probably going to be a treasurer, as when in primary school I was class treasurer and I bought Paddle Pops with all the funds, using the phrase 'Aisehman' several times to cover my tracks.

Although he has yet to help Jeff actually count anything, Aisehman is well on the way to High Punditry, having recently stirred up a hornet's nest of bees by mentioning an article in the New, Newer, Newest, Newestest Straits Times regarding Mak Yong, a form of traditional hip-hop that is about to be banned by the fun and mental fundamentals up in Kelantan.

Aisehman posts a few contradictory arguments, pointless rhetorical flourishes and other things your momma warned you about, before concluding that the article should have been written by a Muslim instead of two non-Muslim members of NST's posse of hot newsroom centrefolds, since it is in fact about Islam. Um, or perhaps about Mak Yong. Which is in fact Malaysian, not Islamic. So should they send a journalist who is an expert on Mak Yong, perhaps a Mak Yong practitioner? But they'd have to hire one first. Perhaps they could just send a journalist who is actually from Kelantan?

But nooo...this issue touches ever-so-gently on Islam, which means only a Muslim can write about it. But then they say Mak Yong might have Hindu and Buddhist elements. So what we need is a committee of reporters, one Muslim, one Hindu, one Buddhist and one tri-religious Islamo-Buddho-Hindu Mak Yong practitioner from Kota Bahru, to write about this art form which in fact belongs exclusively to none of these religions but to Malaysia as a whole. But nevermind - anyone who wants to say anything about Islam has to be Muslim, because just as nobody but a Catholic could understand the senile mumblings of the late Pope John Paul II, so too can only a Muslim understand things like Mak Yong, which don't necessarily have anything to do with Islam but nevermind.

The real problem with Aisehman's comments is that they have ignited fury amongst Malaysia's minority Bigfoot population. The Bigfeet, who are currently being hunted down so that they can pay taxes and use tolled roads like the rest of us, have indicated in a press release that they refuse to communicate with anyone else who is not a Bigfoot like them, citing Aisehman's example and saying 'only we can understand us.'

You can have your picture taken with us, but you will never comprehend us! - back when Bigfeet and Man, and Woman too, lived in peace.

"We have been inspired by Aisehman's posting to come out and say that what the Johor government has done in stopping foreigners from coming to visit us is simply a half-measure; we demand that we only be contacted by journalists, scientists and forestry officials who are of our kind," states the release, delivered exclusively to Potshots and signed only with the print of a rather large foot, "If you want to explore issues closely related to Bigfeet, you must send Bigfoot reporters; otherwise, it won't matter if we make confusing statements about ourselves, it will be the reporter's fault for not having enough Bigfoot blood to fathom us. This is not to be called parochial or insular, for we are simply defending our right to be understood, and to avoid being misrepresented as we were in the article written by Rehman Rashid in the NST recently, where he masqueraded as one of us - he may be pretty damn huge but Rehman Rashid is not one of us, nor will he ever be."

Johor government officials are scrambling to locate an actual Bigfoot expert on Bigfeet Studies - it appears most of them did Film instead.

Meanwhile, Maxis denies any link to Ooi's failed VSS programme, uncategorically dismissing claims that it has ever offered free Hotlink reloads to employees of Screenshots.

UPDATE UPDATE!!!

In a move that is anything but self-serving since I am angling it in such a way that it seems totally selfless, something I learnt from the Genghis Khan of Blog de Malaysia, Jeff Ooi, I am volunteering myself to be the Monitoring & Coordinating Minister (MCM) to monitor and coordinate all the Committee meetings that might take place once Ooi recruits all his committee members to help him with his workload.
Let it never be said that I am not a teamplayer for whichever team I am on... won't somebody tell me?