Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Nation awaits Screenshots with loins aflame

The Malaysian nation has been plunged into deepest despair and desperation, having been deprived of the shining light of the Beacon of Free Speech Over The Stormy Oceans, Jeff Ooi. Psychologists and Psychiatrists are jumping on the opportunity to catalogue this phenomenon as a condition so that they can milk it for dosh, and the term they've settled on appears to be Screenshots Withdrawal Syndrome, or SWS.

"I feel completely lost without Jeff", stated an anonymous source named Little Bird, "Every morning in the office I could always count on being able to skive off by opening up Screenshots and finding out what I should think about things. But alas, no longer! This morning I found myself actually feeling grateful to the government for something, but then I quickly shut my eyes and conjured up an image of Jeff's face and imagined him shouting 'Fight the Power!' - it strengthened me, allowing me to resist the impulse to think about things for myself."


Fight the Power!

At the time of posting Ooi's award-winning Screenshots blog had been down for around 48 hours, due to some hackery by some evil hackers, who also by proxy shut down Lensa Malaysia, something to do with Jeff mucking about with a camera that nobody's really interested in anyway.

Malaysia in The Present Sliver of Temporal Infinitesimality has reported that the hallowed blog will be down for 72 hours, which means the nation will have to endure a further day of being without any idea of what they ought to think and say about things.

The effects are already being seen in the streets, as Malaysians walk about in a total daze, numbed to the core from the one-sidedness of having only government propaganda to fall back on. People were even seen arguing that recent fuel price hikes might actually be economically sensible in the long run, before they were bitchslapped by concerned bystanders and reduced to tears and sobs of "I'm so sorry, Jeff, I've failed you".


Even Han Solo suffered from SWS, a long long time ago.

In order to alleviate the situation and avert potential mayhem, a support hotline has been set up by the Ministry of Women, Family & Community Development. The ministry has issued a series of guidelines to help people identify if and when they need help dealing with SWS. The guidelines are reproduced here because I'm a totally nice guy and Benedict XCVIMB really ought to think about canonising my hairy arse.

Warning Signs of Screenshots Withdrawal Syndrome (SWS)

1) You're unable to work at the office, instead staring at the computer screen and hitting 'reload' constantly in the hope that the next time you do Screenshots will materialise.
2) You find yourself fantasising about Screenshots when engaging in healthy conjugal relations with your spouse.
3) You start writing Letters to Malaysiakini.

If any of these symptoms present themselves, kindly call the toll-free number which is around the place somewhere, sit on hold for a few dozen minutes and then hang up and wait for us to shut down the whole hotline due to overwhelming demand.

A Little Bird who's a little bored told Potshots that most employees at the ministry are "relieved to finally have something to do."


"Goddammit, Karl, where's my Screenshots? How am I gonna decide what to say next now?!", earlier in the day.

Members of various NGOs such as the MARA Second-Year Students Institution for Freedom (MASSIF), the Federation of Repetitive Electricians and Entrepeneurs Devoted to Unifying Malaysia (FREEDUM) and So Utterly Adore Being Annoying Malaysia (SUABAM) are planning on setting up support groups, holding candlelight vigils, selling t-shirts, handing out petitions and maybe putting together some street theatre to get the message out there among the people and stuff.


People singing that 'Kumbaya' song, tonight (Google's not the only one that can tell the future)

In a suspicious related incident, Maxis services have remained uninterrupted and trouble-free so far thoroughout this tortuous period.

Potshots
, always the first attack dog to sic the hell out of the news at the bidding of my master (or preferably, mistress).

4 Comments:

Anonymous Andreas said...

Fantastic writing. I loved it and Jeff will be proud of you. If he has the time to read and finds your blog :)

1/3/06 20:02  
Blogger Veight said...

Of course it is, this writing, andreas.

The difference being of course, that we get a full frontal larger than life Jeff, email address, photos and all...

Who could be, arguably, a good example to cowering anon articulati somewhere in PJ.

2/3/06 00:55  
Blogger TechTalks said...

marvelous, simply marvelous! haha :)

2/3/06 18:29  
Anonymous Pro Jeff said...

bagus. padan muka si jeff,
Well done. There are many out there who love you all for what you are doing.

4/3/06 01:28  

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