Friday, March 10, 2006

Jeff Ooi is not human!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!! UPDATEDUPDATED


Everybody makes mistakes - except Daft Oi. Yes, it's true, I am always right. Some of you are almost certainly now protesting and pointing out some occasion when I (allegedly) made a mistake. Well, let me tell you I made no mistakes - those incidences you cite are simply examples of times when I was right in ways I hadn't expected. And it appears such an occurrence has once again occurred, or perhaps I should say recurred, or re-occurred, once again.

The other day I mentioned price hikes in relation to Malaysia Right Here, Right Now and also said that Jeff Ooi, the Norse God of Free Speech and Pails, would soon be introducing subscription fees to his Academy Award-winning blog, Screenshots. Midnight came, midnight went, and there were no price hikes nor subscription fees. Some were shocked, some were astounded, none e-mailed me about it. Still, I feel the need to clarify a few things, as I often do when nothing needs clarifying.

Firstly, I would like to clarify that I never claimed that Malaysiakini would be introducing higher subscription fees. Quite the contrary, in fact.

This is what I said: "semi-popular online news repository, Malaysia At the Moment, may be on the verge of announcing a rise in the pricing of their subscription-based news fix delivery system." This has been widely misinterpreted to mean that I expected Malaysiakini to introduce price hikes, when I didn't. If you pay attention to my sophisticated wordage you will notice that what I actually meant to say was that Malaysiakini wouldn't introduce such hikes, since most of the time when people are 'on the verge' of something they don't actually fall into it. If they did, a lot more of us would be dead, particularly visitors to the Grand Canyon and the Gunung Kinabalu.

However, I have to concede that the subscription fees I predicted for Screenshots never materialised. This development seemed to make sense at first, because I could see no link between Screenshots and the price of petrol, so why would Jeff need to introduce fees? My saucy sources were adamant, however, that such a plan to introduce fees did in fact exist, and so I decided not to let the issue lie but to find out once and for all if there was any truth to their claims. So I set my Little Earthworms a-digging, and they rose to the surface with some remarkably interesting tidbits. After feeding me these, they mentioned that they had some shocking news too.

You see, readers, Jeff Ooi did indeed intend to make people pay to view his site, except his sinister plans were revoked at the last minute. But why would he want to do this, I hear you ask, even though it's impossible for me to hear you since when I typed this you hadn't read it yet and in any case you're not reading it within earshot of me anyway and certainly you're not a nutter who talks out loud to people who aren't around to hear, are you? Well, the answer is simple, really: when petrol prices went up, Jeff Ooi was forced to try and charge Screenshots readers to fund his monthly petrol bill, because JEFF OOI IS A PETROL-POWERED CYBORG.

REVEALED: Jeff Ooi's true shape, beneath his flesh-and-blood endoscopyskeleton, singing 'I Believe I Can Fly', deep in the sands of time.

Yes, readers, this is why Jeff's Nissan Vanette appears to be able to hold RM560 worth of petrol - because the tank in said Vanette has been modified to deliver its contents directly into the mechanical bloodstream of Jeff Ooi himself! This is also why he is so unlucky with the ladies, for it is a well-known fact that no amount of breath mints will mask the smell of petrol! And, almost as if he was willing the world to uncover his secret, Jeff (or should I say, Jefftroniqo) himself provided indirect confirmation some days ago, when he concocted this sentence on his blog, apparently in some sort of failed attempt to mimic human humour:

(Broken Chinaman English) Actually ha, our VVIPs have actually cancelled order for the police outriders, you knooooow! Didn't you see this in The Star (Mar 8, Pg N10), ha?

(Amusing French Accent) It iz appaghent to us zat Jheff ackzhualy zought zat 'is 'umour was in fect funnee, when it was most ziartainly non. 'E 'as negated anee pussibilitee of zis jhoke bein' funnee by pointing out in ze brackets zat 'e is using 'Broken Chinoisman Anglais'. Ze experts all are in concord wit us, becus we are Francais and zerefore always right, like ze Daft Oi.

"Yes, it is entirely clear to me that this man is a cyborg," asserted Dr. Littel Birdanathan, Robonomy expert from the University of Eyesore, India, "Only a cyborg would have made such a clarification before trying to make a joke, because only a cyborg could have failed to grasp that it is precisely the omission of such pedantic, self-conscious formalities that makes things humorous. In any case, the humour displayed was of such an infantile level that it entirely reflects what can be expected of an android or cyborg that cannot fathom funniness. Furthermore, much in-depth research, conducted by my colleague Chinnamah Kuruvi, has shown that only the drone-like, pre-programmed and imagination-free robot race reads the Star."

Jogger-Eating, Farmer-Frightening Ogre from the Ominous Isle
Jeff Ooi has not been known to eat joggers or frighten farmers, so he has not conclusively been proven to be a monster, up to this point

But if he is a petrol-guzzling android, why did Jeff renege on his plot to begin tapping people for cash through the rumoured subscription scheme? The answer my Little Earthworm furnished me with, an answer which will most certainly gast your flabbers as it did mine, is that Jeff suddenly came upon an idea for an alternative power source, to rid himself of his petrol dependence and to set him well on his way towards fulfilling his plans for world domination. This solution is NUCLEAR POWER.

For years now Jeff has been attempting to harness the mighty energy of the Nuclear to power his cyborg heart, but has failed due to the lack of nuclear resources in Malaysia. Time and time again has he made his way to PUSPATI - the National Nuclear Research Centre where top minds have been hard at work for the past two and a half decades inventing a nuclear-powered lemang steamer - and time and time again has he been turned away.

"Oh yes, I know the guy," said Prof. Sai Chiok of PUSPATI when I showed him a picture which I thought was of Jeff Ooi but turned out to be of a bonobo or pygmy chimpanzee, "He keeps coming around here ah, and I keep telling him, 'We only got one reactor around here la brader, and I tell you frankly ah, we can't give it to you, so stop asking can or not?' The nerve of the man ah, I tell you frankly, totally shocks me; we haven't even managed to cook any lemang yet and he wants to take our reactor from us."

Jewel Exchanging Fantastic Fantasies and Overwhelming, Overpowering Indulgence
Could this be the secret to Jeff Ooi's identity? Not according to the girls Potshots contacted, who all promptly threw up upon hearing 'Jeff Ooi' and 'sexy' used in the same sentence. I would like to underline here that I know lots of girls. It is said that if you feed the words 'Jeff Ooi' and 'sexy' into IBM's mighty chess-playing supercomputer Deep Blue, you will terrify it such that it will not only lose every game of chess it plays, but will even lose the ability to fathom the far simpler and more primitive war game known as Warcraft 3. Furthermore, research shows that Jeff Ooi is the only thing on the planet less sexy than Ashlee Simpson and earthworms. In fact, the idea that Jeff's name could be breathed in the same sentence as anything even vaguely sexy - such as your mother - is so universe-shatteringly frightening to me that it's best I stop mentioning it, right now.

In what is not just a scoop but a scoopitty-scoop-scoop, though, Potshots can confirm that Jeff will not be visiting PUSPATI anymore, for he has found someone else to turn to for a new nuclear core. This would in fact be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who recently dropped by Malaysia on one of those hi-and-bye champagne-and-canapé won't-you-support-my-country's-nuclear-program type things, except with sparkling grape juice instead of champagne, of course.

At some point, Ahmadinjade's agents were contacted by Jeff, and proceeded to arrange some negotiations. This opportunity to aid a pseudo-famous Asian cyborg was welcomed by Ahmadnijead and his people, since Iran is looking for ways to justify its nuclear development program, because it's being told by a whole bunch of countries with nuclear weapons that it isn't allowed to have the nuclear weapons that it has no intention of developing. So a secret meeting was arranged, and behind closed doors in Putrajaya Jeff was allowed to persuade Ahmedanijed to give him a nuclear reactor. One of Potshots' worms was present at this historic occasion and recorded the meeting in its entirety:

Jeff: Please. Give. Me. Nuclear Reactor. I. Can. *Breeep* Make. Funny. Chinaman. English. *Zooooot* And. People. Find. Me. Funny. *Brooooop*

Ahmidenadaj: OK.

The president of Iran - a generally delighted sort of man, much of the time.

Now that the arrangement had been made between the two parties, the machinery of diplomacy swung into action, realised it was in reverse, stopped and got into the right gear before continuing. Officials from Tourism Malaysia contacted President George W. Bushski of the Socialist Democratic Republic of Amerikania, inviting him to board the Secret Underground LRT Connecting Malaysia to the Rest of the World and head down to Putrajaya for a meeting to discuss these new developments. In what is without a doubt not just a scoop but a Scoop Doggy Dogg, Potshots had an inside ear on the entire proceedings thanks to a Little Earthworm, even though earthworms as a rule have no ears.

Amhedjanie: So, Mr. Booosh, we are here to prove conclusively that Iran has no intention of abusing our nuclear program, in the manner that you yourself have done by creating nuclear weapons. Which, by the way, I have to point out, your own country has a vast number of.

Jeff: *Braaaaaaap*

Bushski: I do not believe you, and Karl said that I categorically deny anything.

Ahjemadine: Well I'm just saying, man, I never heard you asking anyone for permission. But then you always assume you don't need it, don't you?

Jeff: *Breeeeeep*

Bushski: God bless America! Karl also mentioned that I categorically deny anything.

Mahedjanide: You Americans, you really piss me off, with the double standards and the pompousness and voting for a moron such as yourself to lead a nation. Everytime I try and talk to you you're not looking at me, you're looking somewhere over my goddamn shoulder, perhaps at tits, always looking at tits, that's why you're so cross-eyed from following all the accursed tits you sand-ridden Yankee scum. By the beard of the Caliphs I swear that when I have my nuclear weapons I will pound your pasty white arses into... (interruption by one of his agents). Ah, yes, where was I? Yes, our nuclear program will be purely to meet our energy needs and nothing more. Our nuclear reactors will be state-of-the-art, housed in aeroplanes which will circle several thousand metres over Israel.

The number of weapons we intend to make with our nuclear program is this minus one, which would be zero" - some time ago.

Bushski: I know you'll be makin' nucular warheads, because if I were you, I'd be makin' nucular warheads too. In fact, I already did, and according to Karl you can't have any.

Hajmidinedinodan: But this is a fallacy! As you can clearly see, Boooosh, we intend to use our warheads, um, reactors for peaceful purposes, such as the powering of this Freedom Blogger Robot, Jeff Ooi. Look at him - he is no weapon of mass destruction!

Jeff: *Breeeepbraaaap* If I may interrupt. I would like to point out that I am in fact a weapon of mass destruction.

Mooohijinidani: No you're not.

Jeff: Yes I am, too. I am a huge big weapon of mass destruction and I rain down pain and destruction upon all the bad people who cross my path. Might is right. I am the doombringer, the Apocalypse Man, the herald of retribution and the Hand of Justice. I am the terror that flaps in the night. The world is a vampire, and I am the afterbreath of a lunch of fried garlic.

Everybody say "oooooOOOOOOooohhhh", at a meeting, not too long ago.

Bushski: Aha! Karl just said in this little radio thing in my ear that this proves categorically that you are lyin'. And now I want to go home Karl, I'm missin' General Lee and the boys on the satellite.

Jeff: Yes. Yes. I am a weapon of mass destruction, a very dangerous weapon, a big weapon, a giant weapon, all the ladies call me weapon, weapon weapon weapon weapon...

Ahmoodyjane: *Sigh*. Let's go, boys.

And so, readers, for now it appears Jeff will continue to have to purchase petrol to power his circuits, but as always he is hard at work to secure the nuclear device that he dreams of so vividly every day and night. It is rumoured that he wants to blackmail one out of Maxis, although at this point Maxis refuses to comment on the matter, claiming it has never had anything to do with nuclear power, but we all know that is, in the words of a tourist seen crossing through the paddy fields of Kedah last week, 'a whole load of bullocks'. In the meantime, experts from the IAAIEEAIAIAEE, or the International Atomic Shriek of How the Hell Could We Have Let Things Get this Way, have descended upon Malaysia to debate whether or not Jeff Ooi can be classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

Journeying Electronic Facsimile Fabricated for Online Observation and Infiltration
AHA! So it's true! He has been uncovered and discovered! 'Online Observation and Infiltration, do you see? Lock up your kids, folks, as soon as possible.

This is Potshots, as always, bringing you the news that could certainly have been made up, but then I wouldn't do a thing like that to you now, would I? We is tight.

Afterentry entry:
All thanks and felicitatious salutationary greetings to Mr./Mrs./Ms/Datuk/Tun/Tan Sri/Tengku veight, who provided a vital tip-off that aided me in hunting down this story. Keep up the good work, my minions! Together we will topple something really big!

Update! Update! Two things have prompted me to update my super-journalistic efforts on this post.
1) Somebody commented saying that the post is too long. Daft Oi only responds by making it longer! Hold your tongue in future, before trying to hold mine, which you won't be able to, since you'll have your hand occupied holding your tongue and I type with my fingers anyway, not my tongue.
2) Jeff Ooi has posted today on his blog stating that his 17th highest visitor in terms of hits comes from the US Military(.mil). He wonders allowed, wonders aloud why somebody from the US Military should be visiting his site so frequently. Well, while a sane person might suggest that since so many people are employed by the US Military, including Malaysians, it could be completely innocuous, I believe that this development simply confirms the above story! The US Military is well known to take an active interest in both nuclear power AND robots!

Potshots has dished out a total of 2kb of data over the past four days. My humble contribution to local broadband content for the country comes from acting as though everything I do is a selfless contribution to something.


Blogger SBB said...

migod. you really have too much time on your hands.

10/3/06 16:00  
Blogger __earth said...

dude, it's too long. need to shorten future post!

10/3/06 17:58  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

i can't decide how much news there is to report.

10/3/06 18:39  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol.. utterly hillarious.. was waiting to see what you had to say about the US Military thing.. some people are so full of themselves.. A peek into his log files would just show that those requests were done by one of the spiders sitting on a US Military ip range.

10/3/06 18:56  

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