Thursday, January 03, 2008

Jesus Christ Plays Santa Claus This Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 drunkards drinking...

Oh, hello there and thank you for coming to Daft Oi 2008, otherwise known as DO08 (pronounced doob, you noob). This is of course, different from 8==D, which is something Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later.


Type in 8==D into Google Image search and you get that. Just shows that 1337 h4xx0rs can definitely get the most w00t babes, in the blink of an eye, or the typing of a search term in Google.


It's been yet another earth-shattering, balls-shaking, knee-quaking, suicide-bombing end to the year. It seems to be developing into a pattern that at the end of every year, the world would be smote by the Almighty.
There could be any number of reasons for this. Al Gore thinks it's all those greenhouse gasses causing climate change. Osama bin Laden thinks it's US imperialism. Jeff Ooi thinks it's Datuk Kalimullah Hassan. But we all know that the truth is that it's because the world has become a veritable Sodom & Gomorrah of epic proportions, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. Patience, yo.




All of them are wrong, all of them have stupid cults backing them but only Jeff Ooi thinks some Muslim fellah is the problem. Typical redneck, should go for political correctness training, today.


In 2004, we had the Indian Ocean Tsunami which pwned all our asses, especially the Acehne-asses. In 2005, on Dec 31, another second was added, 23:59:60, called a leap second, causing confusion amongst New Year's Eve revellers, as champagne bottles were opened one second too early, illicit kisses made one second too early, and one second came one second too late.
In Dec 2006, The Baiji, which is not a rare form of South Asian, but the Chinese River Dolphin native and aboriginal to the Yangtze River, was declared extinct, and in 2007, well, all your Benazir Bhutto are belong to Al-Qaeda, or the Taliban, or the Mahsud. Whoever. What does it matter who was involved, anyway? The important thing is who was the victim, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. Why do you guys keep bringing him up at the wrong time?


R.I.P, 4EVA.


All this is because we've become a world saturated with immorality and I don't think I need to name the sort of evils we've been involved in. Fixed elections, child prostitution, genocide, double stuff Oreos and most evil of all, the killing of Santa Claus in 2006. Yes, you evil and perverse generation, you killed a Saint. Saint Nickel Arse. It's one thing to make fun of a fat guy's name, it's another to kill him entirely... or catch him having sex with a hidden camera, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. You guys, hang on okay? I'll get to that... sheesh!


Santa, in better days.


On December 30, 2006, a man known popularly as Sad Damn Who's Sane was executed by hanging but from picture evidence (compare above and below, tell me that's not the same man!), we knew it was actually Christmas' Man of the Hour. The One and Only True Bearer of Justice in the world.
And when we killed him, we unleashed a terrible curse upon all mankind.


Only he knew, who was naughty or nice, on Christmas Day.


Jesus Christ, who had for centuries been the figurehead of Christmas, grew tired of the pointlessness of it all and handed the job to trusted bishops here on earth. For nearly 17 centuries, the man we've come to know as Santa Claus had done his job with much generosity and 'tutup satu mata'-ness until we caught him and killed him, in the name of democracy, liberation and oil. Blood for Oil! Woe is us and the US too!
Now you know why this madman of a dictator was mass murdering, initiating genocide and starting a magical invisible and disappearing nuclear arms program. It was to punish naughty children around the world. Did you think he was actually interested in murdering ADULT Kurds? No, it was all about those little bastard Kurds!


Kurd bitches have been naughty and need to be punished, tonight!


But now, we've awakened the way, the truth and the life, the man who pwned Death itself with his 1337 2d20+∞ healing powers. We've brought back to the world, none other than Jesus Christ. And he's not happy at being forced to downgrade himself from Chief Executive Officer of Heaven to Delivery Boy - Christmas Department. And that's why he's been raining brimstone and skyrocketing oil prices on your crazy cracker asses.


Another kind of brimstone, yesterday.


But you say, this makes no sense. If Santa Claus died in 2006, how did Jesus cause the devastation of the 2004 Tsunami?
Well, it's because he's like, God, isn't it? And he lives like, in this thing called eternity? It means time has no meaning for him. So, if he likes, knows you're gonna be a bad ass sonofabitch in 2006, he can punish you in 2004. It's called preemptive strike. Where do you think the bloody nonexistent people in the nonexistent country of Israel got the idea from? They stole it from the baby Jesus 2000 years ago. America was just copying this great idea and trying to play God, like they always do, just like how DVD sellers in Johor Bahru were making copies of a sex video as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. SERIOUSLY, you guys! Wait for it. Let me finish with all this first.

Well this time, they played God one step too far. With Santa @ Sad Damn gone and Jesus in a grumpy mood, 2007 was a horrific and cataclysmic year. Jesus put everyone of in his naughty list.
All my peeps East side, how do you like them monsoon rains, huh? Now you know what done happened to Atlantis, isn't it? They pissed off Jesus.


Lost to humans forever, Atlantis is now the domain of strange and mythical creatures such as Spongebob Squarepants, as seen here in an artist's depiction, dated 2006, around the time Santa Claus died.


Just like the Hulk, you won't like Jesus when he's pissed off. He was so pissed off with Benazir Bhutto being corrupt, and that Pakistani President/Commander-in-Chief/GI(General of Islam)-Joe Pervert Musharraf had given her corrupt ass amnesty, he decided not only that Benazir Bhutto would not lead her party to victory in the Pakistani elections, but that she would not even have a quick death.
Instead of simply being shot through her pottu which would've resulted in instant death - or the pottu she would've had if she wasn't such a bloody liberal Muslims, which would've been an easy target to aim at - she was shot three times in various spots on her body, giving rise to her new nickname, Nearly 17 Cents or Just Over 10 Rupees, because just like the guy who talks with a slur and somehow has sold over 20 million albums, she too survived after sustaining multiple gunshot wounds.


I know I'm a hawt, hawt shawty, but you gotta slow down, please don't shoot me.


Benazir then suffered the shock from the blast of a suicide bomber which killed 20 people around her, and so must've definitely hurt her too. And after all that pain, finally Jesus made sure that after the slow and painful death, it would also be a humiliating death. You know it was Jesus, because it was so bizarre and improbable, only Jesus could've done it with his mutant powers.
The Interior Ministry of Pakistan stated that "Bhutto was killed when she tried to duck back into the vehicle, and the shock waves from the blast knocked her head into a lever attached to the sunroof, fracturing her skull." Now, try and tell me that wasn't the miraculous power of Jesus.

On the local front, Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs was caught on video having sex with a woman other than his wife. Haha, well, guess for all of us good Malaysians, Jesus put us on his nice list and gave us all a good laugh and some gossip this Christmas.

So, the point is... what? You want more on Chua? Enoughla? What do you mean I built up all the anticipation earlier? I did no such thing, get off my back! I'm not an unknown woman in a sex video!

The point is, ok, that God is fair! Jesus' reign as Lord High Ruler of Christmas has been as just as Santa Claus'. Even if there was a lot of sorrow and grief for us sinners this Christmas, he at least gave us some comic relief as we could all go and back half-funny jokes about the 'health' of our minister and whether he had access to viagra and bla bla bla.
So thank your lucky stars for that. Thank the Moon Goddess that if you're cheating on your wife, you're not a high-ranking politician in the MCA who might just become deputy president soon. Thank Amon-Ra that if you're black, you can sing very well and run very fast. Thank Parameswara that if you're Malay, you get Bumiputera privileges. And thank Buddha if you're not Malay.

1 Comments:

Blogger pazuzu said...

Sukacita dimaklumkan bahawa anda dijemput menjadi calon PUNDAK untuk pilihanraya 2008. Sila mohon kawasan wakilan anda (saya cadangkan Jelutong) di www.pundak.wordpress.com

18/2/08 05:32  

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