Nat Tan and the Blogly Hollows

My friends, I am a Malaysian above all else. You know this, I know this, everybody knows this. Before being a human being, even, I am Malaysian. Before you were born, I was Malaysian. Before your mother was born, I was Malaysian. And before that blissful night with your grandmother in the pondok behind her house, well even then was I 100% bona fide gerenti tulin Malaysian.

Oh pondok yang sunyi, penyimpan beribu memori, dari tahun-tahun yang lalu.

But I am often asked by my fans and adorers (yes, you): 'after being Malaysian, what are you?' Are you an Orang Asli? A Nyonya? A Baba? An Indian? A Malay? A Muslim? A Chinese? A cupboard? Well, friends and animals, it is without a doubt the fact that I am a Blogger. The race of Blogger is a mighty one, and I one day hope to grow a dinky moustache or break my soul into bits with some spells and then lead my kind to racial supremacy over lesser beings (whom we refer to as Muggles and Mudbloods). Until then, though, I am forced merely to fight for our 'human rights', since we are upon so often trod and stepped.


Iraqi soldiers are the only other people on the earth who know what it's like to be trod and stepped upon, every day.

Towards this end, a recent happening has had me very worried. I refer to the arrest and detention of that fine gentleman, Nathaniel Tan, or 'Nat' Tan. I should point out that this catchy nickname was first used in 2004, with characteristically incisive foresight, by my mentor, that fine example of purest Blogger stock, Jeff 'The Tastiest Ooister' Ooi; he has rightfully claimed so in his blog, Preenspots. 'Nat' Tan, I'm sorry to say, was arrested by cyborgs in balaclavas on July 13, spirited away from undisclosed location to undisclosed location, before finally being held at the Dung Wangi police station and eventually released on July 18. While many reasons have been bandied about for this travesty, most of the blame has been placed on the Official Secrets Act, or OSA (as Jeff Ooi has referred to it since 1993).


The Mighty Blogger has no need for puny contrivances such as the OSA and dentistry, ever.

The OSA is designed to keep secrets official, to make sure everyone knows what's secret, so that they know what they're not supposed to know. With the aid of the OSA you'll know whether you're supposed to know what you know. If you know something's not meant to be known, then you can avoid knowing it, because when you know it you'll know that it's not what you can know, and so you'll never know what it means to know whatever you know is not to be known. The British came up with it to deal with communists, because apparently this guy named Marky Marx said that communists have to share everything, so keeping secrets makes their heads explode, or something.


Wassup, my socially equal homeboy?

The point, though, is that this OSA is now being used to silence the Blogger race!!! Some might foolishly claim that the OSA has been misused for years in order to smother dissent, and that any form of outspoken, clear thinking is under threat from such draconian tactics, but we of the Blogs know better!!! This is clearly a personal war being waged on us by The Man, as has been pointed out by reputable commentators. There vomits a warm little glow in my heart of hearts, to read things like this:

If someone like him is convicted, it will be the end of justice in a country toppling slowly into perdition. Thus, I’m optimistic that he’ll be released on Tuesday. Any other outcome would be unthinkable, farcical. But we shall soon know, in a few hours, whither goes Malaysia.

YES. TRUE. RIGHT ON. Because while some may narrow-mindedly see this as another case of injustice perpetrated by the government and the police in Malaysia, some of us know this for what it is - an attempt to purge Malaysia of the noble and heroic Blogger! Well, we Netizens and Webidents will no longer stand silent while this assault goes on! And for those of you still in doubt that this is, in fact, a campaign to ethnically cleanse Bloggers from Malaysia, let me remind you that it has been going on for years.


Just like the EU, us Netizens have created our own economic union and currency, called Paypal, since 1957.

Note, for example, the pointed absence of any Muhammad cartoons in any of the major Malaysian media outlets. The New Stray Times for example, once so brazen with its Muhammad-related graphics and caricatures, has not produced a single item or drawing related to the Muslim prophet for over a year now. I am reminded that it was none other than the Scrummiest Ooister who was first on the scene back then to demand the suppression of the NST's right to print a comic which not only used the word 'Muhammad' but also had the audacity to be funny and a realistic expression of the issues at hand. Since that fateful day, suspiciously, there have been no more opportunities for us Bloggers to freely make clear our belief that we are the only people who should have freedom of speech. What can this be but a well-calculated torpedo aimed at our nuclear submarines of freedom?! For if the mainstream media does not do such things, we will have nothing to complain about! This clearly restrict our freedom, most specifically our right to be bloody hypocrites, which we earned through decisive victory in the Geneva Competition and payment in full of the UN Bill For Human Rights.

Citing feminist values, we attempted a 50-50 split, but ended up footing the whole thing, that evening.

I will also call your attention to the plight of the food Bloggers. Malaysia has long been known as a sort of spittoon of cuisine, into which contributions have been launched by cultures far and wide. But today, what is the Blogger of food to do, when everywhere one turns one sees more and more branches of the same chains? Everywhere you go, as far and wide as Bangsar Village and 1 Utama, you will find sister outlets of Just Thai attempting to enforce their brand of Thai food. You cannot turn to the left or right in the city of Kuala Lumpur without coming across a Ms. Read, attempting to stifle all other interpretations of the chocolate cake!


One Cake to rule them all, One Cake to find them, One Cake to bring them all and in the darkness bind them. Oh, sorry, are we doing Harry Potter references, today?

This spreading of chains is nothing if not an attempt to limit the food Bloggers' ability to express themselves! For if everywhere food is the same, there will be nothing to write about. The Muggles may content to eat the same thing everywhere, but we Bloggers wield the mighty wand of Needing To Say Stuff About Every Fucking Thing, so this is a great injustice to us. Don't think we can't see what's happening. Thankfully, our assault on these vile chains will eventually cause them to go the way of White Castle, which closed in Malaysia around 15 years ago, thus sealing a decisive victory for the Blogger. What's that you say? There were no Bloggers 15 years ago, so it couldn't have been a victory for us? Well, I say your petty Muggle concept of 'time' with its 'past' and 'present' is oppressive, and an attempt to silence us Bloggers! We are to rule you.

Casualties of the War on Blogger, 15 years ago.

Another victory for the Blogging Race can be seen in the recent termination of one of the New Stray Times' columnists, the inimitimintimissimitable Amir Muhammad. Long considered one of Malaysia's top writers and makers of films nobody can understand, Amir Muhammad also puzzled the Blogger race by appearing to be one of us, and yet not quite. As everyone knows, one is Either With Us Or Against Us, which means that Amir's status as a Blogger who also held a column in one of the most evil Anti-Bloggering representatives of The Man, the NST, was something of a mystery. The situation was made even more perplexing by the fact that he posted his columns on his Blog, thus making it seem, inexplicably, as though what mattered were the things being written, rather than the media used to write them. We all know this is poppycock, and only things said on Blogs are actually true, so I was very glad to hear that Amir's last column appeared on August 2, after which he will no longer be a dirty blood traitor but will instead join us forevermore - more Lestrange than Snape, if you see what I'm saying. Many esteemed authorities and Pure-Blood Blogger Lords such as YAB Dr. Rocky bin Bru have come out in support of this move. Some have even theorised as to why Amir even bothered with the NST for so long, seeing as how it is totally dirty, manipulative and unethical, and anything written on its pages must be false and nasty, while anything written on our Blogs must be true and pure. One of the comments on Amir's blog came from someone who humbly referred to her/him/itself as 'mekyam', who suggested this:

Hurrah! Now you are no longer contaminated by association with that sad government mouthpiece. I was wondering when you'd cut the umbilical yourself... you took pity on their sorry unpopular arse... ya?

This but totally explains why Amir tolerated The Man for so long! Because he took pity on the Mudbloods and all their sorry kind. I am still uncertain as to whether 'mekyam' believes that Amir's mother has a 'sorry unpopular arse' from which he had to 'cut the umbilical', or whether the NST is in fact Amir's mother, but I'm sure the explanation will come with time.


Another sort of mother, who never actually become one and suffered for, nine months.

Until then, however, I ask that my fellow Bloggers be wary of all the Mudbloods and filthy blood traitors around, who may at any moment attempt to undermine our struggle. Perhaps you'll hear them say that such-and-such a Blog entry had the stupidest and clumsiest Harry Potter references ever, or that thus-and-thus a newspaper report actually has some merit; in short, if in any way they suggest that perhaps we Bloggers can be as corrupt and untrustworthy and dishonest and nasty and simplistic as The Man, and that the problem is bad people on both sides rather than simply the forces of Blogger vs. Man, they must be silenced at once. Our time will come, and then with an Expelliarmus and a Crucio and an Avada Kedavra, we will rule them all.


Yes, even her, we shall rule, for as long as our strange and moist dreams continue.