Thursday, March 08, 2007

50 Posts to Independence #25: The Orang Hutan Are Coming!

Shit, man. Isn’t Malaysia awesome? Just look at all the posts that have come before this in Nizam Bashir's tagathon. I think it was a good idea, and would like to wholeheartedly thank Aisehman (not his real name, stupid) for tagging me. It's patrio-riffic! Some of the posts that resulted have been complaints, a few other moans, many more painful excoriations. No, how would I know what it means, don’t you own a dictionary? Bumpkin.

Malaysia ftwww!!! Average-looking Miss Malaysia woot!!!!! Awesome ballzzz, all the time!!!

But where was I? O yes, what a shit-awesome country this is, and as a result I am very proud to be posting at the exact half-way point of this tagathon, the twenty-fiftieth post, with 24 posts to come, before our country finally turns a big fat wobbly dry and flaccid 50 years of age.
As poster No.25, Daft Oi, as usual, is at the centre of things, the conduit, the point of the passing of the baton between the muscular black man of the past and the muscular black man of the future. I was going to pen a poem about my grandmother's old goat and its special relationship with my uncle, but as luck would have it, a major news event has broken like an egg over the heated Ramlee Burger griddle of our lives, and it is the breaking of this event that I will use as my contribution to the tagathon.

Foreigners, you will never understand, ever.

When life hands you eggs, my grandfather used to say, make egg banjos, because dey, you’re the only one who’s getting eggs handed to you by life and everyone else has to work to get them you bloody quota system fler. My grandfather was an angry man, unfortunately. So, this egg banjo of news that I am about to wrap up for you in the flimsy tissue paper of my journalistic skills, that always sticks to the ketchup and goes all fucking soggy and shit, is this: we are facing an important development in our nation’s history.

Ever ready to be drenched in ketchup, mucus, semen, or some other similar disgusting stuff, in times of need.

You see, my fellow Malaysians, we are about to be overtaken. No, not overtaken in the Alex Yoong sense, overtaken in the Iraq sense. For it has emerged through the careful digging of my Little Earthworms that there is a group vying to seize control of Malaysia from us. They have decided that enough is enough, and that they’re not going to stand for this anymore. This group, my sons and daughters, is the Orang Hutan.

You. How dare you! This is our country, you fiend! You absolute and utter...aww...he's so cute, wook at him, the widdow cutie, how could I stay mad at this face, for very long?

Oh yes, I’m sure you thought you could laugh and ‘so-cute’ them for the rest of your lives, content in the knowledge that the only harm they’re going to do will involve stealing the clothes off white women (this being ok because white women all want to get it on all the time anyway, not like our pure and saintly women of various hues). But no, these Orang Hutan, they’re now organized and they’ve decided that they’re going to kick us all out of their country. They have already sent lobbying groups to the United Nations and various key allies, and it is rumoured that an enormous fighting force is amassing somewhere in the vicinity of Batang Berjuntai. I secured an exclusive interview with the head of the Orang Hutan Freedom Front (OHFF): His Eminence, Weird-Facedness and Long-Armedness the High Chancellor Oook!.

Uh-oh...this looks like it might turn out badly, pretty soon.

Daft Oi: So, High Chancellor, would you care to explain your group's actions?

HC Oook!: The justification is simple, old bean. Simply look around you.

Daft Oi: Yes, um... it's very leafy... and green... sort of soggy...

HC Oook!: No, you buffoon! I meant look around you in a metaphorical sense, you see. For you and your kind have had this country for the greater part of fifty years. Five decades, you see.

Daft Oi: Oh, ok. Um... and what?

HC Oook!: You have entirely made a hash job of it, that's what's what! Fifty whole years and this is the best you could do? We are decidedly unimpressed.

Daft Oi: But where have we gone wrong? The economy is in fairly good shape...

HC Oook!: Economy, economy, economy. Pish and fittlybosh! That's all we ever hear when we speak to you people. Always the economy, the economy. It doesn't matter that you are essentially all idiots.

Daft Oi: We are?

HC Oook!: We have put all our best Orang Hutan scientists on this problem for many years now. And they all agree that ultimately there appears to be no way around the true root of this heinous state of affairs - that you, my good man, you and all your kind, are just too stupid to run a country. You've had fifty years, and it is time now for you to bugger off.

Another guy who said 'bugger', recently.

Daft Oi: There are orang-utan scientists?

HC Oook!: Blast, man! You are a speciesist!

Daft Oi: ?

HC Oook!: The term...'orang-utan'...we do not use it for it is our slave-name. We much prefer the term 'Orang Hutan'. This is who we truly are. When we are in charge, there will be no more of your speciesism and your using us as mascots and all that rot.

Wira single-handedly got us into fourth place in the Commonwealth Games, once again showing that without our Orang Hutan heroes, Malaysians will be idiot cocksucking faggots, forever.

Daft Oi: Oh... sorry... um. I'm not a speciesist, though. I have goldfish.

HC Oook!: Hah! We've learned from UMNO Youth that to not be racist is in fact a racist position! The same is also true of speciesists. So don't try and fool us. If you want to know how we learned all this, why don't you ask one of our scientists for yourself, old bean? Here's Professor Doctor Oooook! to answer any queries you may have.

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Good day.

Daft Oi: So, Prof, what sort of research did you conduct?

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Oh, too many sorts to describe, really. I think I could best sum up our research program as an intensive sociook-psychook-liguistook-economook-philosophook-sports science effort. We interviewed members of the public, collected artifacts from tourists for study, infiltrated the rank and file of many corporate and governmental organisations, and positioned our researchers covertly in numerous top positions, in order to gather data. The presence of some of your government officials, such as Samy Vellu, may suddenly appear to make a lot more sense now.


Daft Oi: Oh... no wonder. So, what were your conclusions?

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Well, to begin with, there's no point talking to you. You're just too bloody dumb. I mean, we did lots of sweeps with our Polonium Stupidity Meter and couldn't believe the results of our survey. 90% of your government officials are in the 'Dangerously Stupid' category, while the rest of the populace doesn't fare much better, with an astounding 100% of public relations and advertising executives achieving the 'Oh Fuck Hide The Kids It's Marina Mahathir' rating. I mean, the only rating that's worse than that is 'Jeff Ooi'.

Now I lay me down to sleep, pray the Lord my soul to keep...

Daft Oi: But surely not all Malaysians...I mean, it's not our fault that...

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Here we go again. This was another problem we faced in our research. We attempted to talk to you and achieve a proper consensus, a reflective equilibrium, shall we say, and to find out how we could help you remedy the problems. But then we found out that nobody, nobody ever admits when they've done something wrong. I ask you to look back at the history books of your country and seek out a single incidence of someone admitting that they were wrong. Asides from that one time in 1972 when Mr. Chew Wong Kee said to his friend Mr. Baraun Iskandar, 'I'm so sorry, it was wrong of me to have pinched your nipple all the time when we were in school', we can find no other occasion. We now refer to this particular incident as the 'Wong Kee-Baraun Nipple Aberration'.

Baraun would bear the scars, to his dying day.

Daft Oi: But what does this mean?

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: To cut a long story short, it basically means that Malaysians are too stupid to admit when they're wrong. All of you. Each of you has an agenda, and you will act in furtherance of this agenda without ever thinking about what's best for the country or even for simple morality and reason. This is true of everyone, from the highest politicians right down to the lowest blogger, human rights activist and insurance agent. It's an amazing trend, because it cuts across racial and socio-economic barriers quite neatly. In fact, while many Malaysians believe that they may have racial or cultural ties to other countries, such as India and China, our research conclusively shows that in fact Indian and Chinese nationals are far smarter than Indian and Chinese Malaysians, and the only reason some of you believe that you belong in those 'mother countries', or that their languages are your languages by some right of 'mother culture' is, once again, because you're stupid. There is in fact a culture of stupidity which binds all of your fellow nationals. It might even be a case of Malaysians being one big, 'muhibbah' and united 'Bangsa Bodoh'. A new race, so too speak, one in dumbness. We are as we speak conducting DNA tests to see if all Malaysians share some sort of in-built stupidity, what we in scientific circles refer to hypothetically as the Cretin Gene.

It's evolution, baby.

Daft Oi: Surely there's been some progress...

Prof. Dr. Oooook!: Progress? Well, in some ways, yes. In fact, we predicted a giant improvement with the advent of the Internet and the stepping-down of King Mahathir, for since then the human on the street has achieved a greater voice, and of late your ridiculously stupid government has even allowed people a certain level of dissent. The amusingly stupid media has picked up a bit too, in response to the new levels of information available to the public. However, what we didn't expect to learn from the people being given slightly greater freedoms is that most of the people are as stupid as the government and the media! I mean, give activism and the Internet to America and you get Counterpunch and The Onion, give it to Britain and you get Brian Haw and the BBC's stunningly informative website, but give it to Malaysia and what do you get? Jeff Ooi! And something known as Rocky, wielding something called a Bru! Sonia Randhawa! Five X Mom! Minishorts! You can scour the world for such a spectacular collection of the consistently stupid and unthinking - trust me, you won't find it. This was when we realised we had been looking in the wrong place for the source of your problems. It wasn't, as you all told us, the government, or the media, or the quota system, or the history, or the British... it was you. All of you. You're just so goshdarned idiotic.

The best we can do? Such a shame we shall bear into the twilight of our years.

HC Oook!: Enough. All this is old hat. This has been proven, and it is the merest of formalities to inform you of it. What matters now is our plan.

Daft Oi: Plan?

HC Oook!: Yes. We are about to embark on a historic new phase in this nation's history, one that will involve a massive deportation of, well, everybody. I'm very sorry to say that we shall have to kick you all out, in stages.

Daft Oi: But... you can't do that!

HC Oook!: And why not, young man? Observe the logic by which your country has organised itself - the first inhabitants are accorded greater rights due to an imagined connection with the soil. Well, it is this selfsame logic that leads us to conclude that we, the nobler primates of the Orang Hutan clan, are in fact the true heirs to this land. For we were here first, before even the ones you so inaccurately term Orang Asli. For if anyone is Asli, it is we. As it stands we do receive certain concessions and special rights. For example, as a protected species we receive a certain measure of social aid and cannot be hunted and killed arbitrarily. This gives us more rights than the Indians. But we demand more, we demand our full share! You have failed this land, and we will now do it justice!

Temple of Doom.

Daft Oi: Uh... okay... but how do you plan on doing this?

HC Oook!: Well, to begin with we aim to secure the trust, goodwill and approval of your key allies throughout the region and internationally. We are already engaged in talks with Singapore, Thailand, Brunei and Indonesia, as well as the United States and the United Kingdom. As we outlined our results to them they all responded with a slow nod and the words, "Ohhhh...well, that certainly explains a few things". After we have drawn up treaties with all these relevant nations, we will begin our offensive.

Daft Oi: Offensive?!

HC Oook!: Do not be alarmed, my good man, no violent means will be used unless absolutely necessary. We have secured a small cachet of certain necessary weapons from our allies and will first take over the military and police and their stock of arms. Then we will divide the population and send the Malays to Port Klang, the Indians to Westport and the Chinese to Kuantan Port. From there we would have organised ships with basic facilities to transport the entire population, in stages - Malays to Indonesia, Chinese to China and Indians to India. All these nations will be handsomely compensated for accepting their share of morons. As for the minority dimwits such as the Portuguese, they will be freighted back by air. The only people who will be allowed to remain are the Orang Aslis, as not only do they have a claim to the land that mirrors our own, they're also the only intelligent people around in this godforsaken hellhole. And once we have expelled you all, we will hold a sacred council deep in Taman Negara and I will hold aloft my sceptre and cry out to the true Malaysians: Merdekalah Malaysia Tanpa Orang Malaysia! Merdeka! Merdeka!

A regular Einstein, yesterday.

Daft Oi: Uh...ok. But... after you've removed everyone, how will you... run the country?

HC Oook!: How will we run it? Why, we'll run it well, that's how we'll run it. Ha ha ha. We will begin by forming a single-party government made out of members of all the primate clans in Malaysia. I have already secured agreement from my Bigfoot compatriot Lord Gruurgh! and my old friend the Beruk King, His Highness EEEEeek!. My secretary, Ms. Ooooooook! is busy drawing up the agreement as we speak. We will not go down the ludicrous and muttonheaded uni-ethnic party, multi-ethnic coalition route adopted by your own imbecilic selves, oh no. We will have party membership regardless of species, and from there new parties will be formed to create a proper democracy.

Daft Oi: I suppose... um... I guess that would be a good thing.

HC Oook!: Very glad to have brought you around to our way of thinking, old bean. I must say, I'm a huge fan of your blog, we identified it as the stupidest thing ever to come out of Malaysia. Quite an achievement, what.

Daft Oi: Err... yeah, thanks. So... be seeing you soon, then?

HC Oook!: Not soon enough, my good man, not soon enough.

And so there you have it, boysies and girlsies and ladyboysies - we are about to be over-run, and the 50th anniversary of our control over this land will also be the last. But, you know, having talked at length to my good bud the High Chancellor Oook!, I think this might not be such a bad thing. I mean, let's face it, we have fucked up pretty bad. And we do think it's all somebody else's fault. So, to me the only right thing to do now is help these nice apes kick us out. Hence, I have started the Friends of the Orang Hutan Freedom Front (F-OHFF) which will be collecting donations to be put into a fund for the purpose of buying ammunition and bananas and shit for Malaysia's hairy liberators. Let us look forward to the 50th anniversary of this nation being one in which it is finally rid of us!

Before we get to that, though, I'm going to tag the next person, because that's how tagathons work. The next man with a plan or woman with... um... bitumen, will be none other than the mighty Paul Tan! A true Malaysian, or a lot truer than you'll find in this tagathon, anyway. Beware his fearsome knowledge of cylinders and gaskets and shit.