Monday, October 16, 2006

Kia Picanto - would the plural be Picantos or Picantoes?

Yes, and as promised, this humble apprentice motoring journalist will attempt to disprove the lackadaisical (the lacking of daisies) attitudes of Shannon Teoh, Jeremy Mahadevan and James Hipkiss in neglecting the fundamentals (fun and mental) of contemporary journalism. Which is to make the advertiser happy, you dingbats.
After my Little Earthworms had gone out and sourced a Kia Picanto for me, by infesting and scaring the hell out of some advertising executive who thought she was looking all fine (like some Italian supermodel) in her new Italian-esque car, I had the chance to prove this Korean car's Italian pedigree.

An Italian supermodel, nearly shocked out of dress, after seeing some earthworms. Please note, woman whose car we used looked nothing like this, except for the (lack of) chest.

The first impression of the car was befuddling (bees in a fucking puddle) since the car seemed to look more shocked than the ad exec. It seemed to have huge eyes and a small open mouth that made it look very surprised.
Then we realised, it looked surprised all the time, perhaps at the designer Kang Lee's decision to make it look like an Italian footballer who's shocked at the referee's decision. Even if it's to give him a yellow card for a triple axle, double somersault into the green turf that would normally score highly amongst Romanian Olympic gymnasts like Nadia Comaneci (come, my neck itchy).

The all new Kia Picanto was designed after Italian football legend, Gennaro Gattuso, after realising he had the same initials as, you got it, Giorgetto Giugiaro.

And these are the results, which continue to astound car lovers the world over, since right after Daft Oi told them so.

The car comes in a wide range of bright colours, like the Italian national flag, which is bright green, white and red. Kia has made the car in green, red and white to celebrate (sell and braid) its Italianness but also in many other colours, most famously, orange, which it feels is a very unique and Italian colour. Why? Because it's the colour of very strong cheese, and important ingredient in the Italian national dish - the pizza! It is so unique because other cars that come in orange - the Ford Focus, Nissan X-Trail, Nissan Sentra, MINI Cooper, Lotus Elise, Audi TT, Volkswagen Bettle, Volkswagen Golf, Honda Civic Type-R, a schoolbus - all did it to be unique so yes, Kia are very proud that they have such a unique idea.

Viva Italia!

You may be wondering (won a deer ring) about the name Picanto (pick and tow). Kia says it’s a combination of the French word "piquant" for spicy and the Italian word "canto" for song. See, Shannon, Jeremy and James? How can you say a car is not Italian when its very name is derived from an Italian word? That should settle it, isn't it?
What do you mean the point was that the name doesn't mean anything? It means everything. Because of the name, the car has the very Italian character (care actor) of breaking down all the time like an Alfa Romeo. But let's not get the Alfisti pissed off, huh?

If you piss them off, the Alfisti will karaoke you to death, any place, any time.

Moving on, we actually found that the overall design, was immaculate (I'm a kulat), beautiful, the work of that Korean genius Kang Lee, who must now be elevated to the status of legend, like Michaelangelo, another Italian genius!

A Picanto will also be mounted in such glorious array as Michelangelo's David, one day.

And the ride, I tell you, wah, so smooth, like the finest, handmade, spaghetti! You can eat it until your bum becomes so fat, that it gives you the cushioning of exactly what it feels like to sit in a Picanto. Oh, the luxury!
And as for the interior, it is so special and unique, it's like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, such beauty makes you want to bow down and worship it, like you worship the Pope! And it's all topped off with such a round and wonderful steering wheel, round like, the pizza! Oh, it is so gorgeous and Italian, like Monica Bellucci!

What we wouldn't do, for a Picanto, right now.

But the real test of the car is the engine, no? Inside the bonnet is a meaty 1.1-litre engine that generates up to 65 horsepowers (horse powers)! 65! Horses! Horses are very Italian. The Ferrari logo has a horse! This engine will take the car screaming up to 100km/h in just over 15 seconds! That's only 12.5 seconds slower than an Enzo. That's definitely (deaf in Italy) Italian!
It is a very meaty engine, like lasagna, eh? Full of meat, not like stupid British pies, only full of potatoes, haha!

Garfield will have this anyday, at dinnertime.

But yet, despite all that fearsome power, it is a very clean and efficient engine. Using only 5 litres of petrol for every 100 km travelled. Meaning, hardly any petrol used since nobody would really travel 100 km in this car. This car is as good for mother nature as minestrone soup is for you! Drink up, you're a growing boy, eh?

Grow up to be like Giancarlo Fisichella, eh? Someday, someday...

This car has become so popular and well-loved (as all things Italian are loved, like ultra-racists, the mafia, Benito Mussolini and the Sopranos) that it has birthed an unoffical owners' club of its own online, located here, entitled "My life with my KIA Picanto", which at this point, seems to be a rather lonely life, since there's only three contributors.
This exciting club does things like count the number of other Picanto(e)s on the road, (current record stands at an astounding 7!) and trying to fit something into its rather small and petite Italian boot (Italians believe in small butts but big busts, eh?). What an exciting lifestyle that comes with owning a Picanto, a truly spicy song, spicier than the song about KFC's new hot & spicy extra chicken!

The good Colonel considering a Picanto, just before coming up with the hot & spicy extra recipe instead.

I suggest anyone looking for a kereta baru for Raya, to buy this car, so you can bring a piece of Italy back to your kampung, isn't that what Hari Raya is all about? And stay tuned for our Deeparaya (deep array) update as well, as Daft Oi gets cultural on yo' ass.


Blogger Priscilla said...

what!?!?! no jefrotull-maxis-of-evil references?!?!!?

18/10/06 14:00  
Blogger tigerjoe said...

I don't suppose the plural of picanto would be picanti, in accordance with Italian grammar rules?

Or perhaps it should be picantitty.

20/10/06 11:19  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

By Giorgio, you're right! If only gene technology were that far advanced, I'd rope you into my team of earthworms!
We have no openeings for tigers at this point.

21/10/06 15:22  
Anonymous kia türkiye said...

With this car you can actually bring the whole family plus the baggage. It's important to have good space and functional feature in choosing the right ride for you.

24/1/11 19:27  
Anonymous KIA said...

Your chances of negotiating a deal are better if you pick an automobile on the lot because dealers are anxious to move vehicles they have in stock to cut their costs and make room for new merchandise.

30/1/11 10:43  
Anonymous James Hipkiss said...

Actually my fundamental of journalism, motoring and lifestyle journalism at least is to inform and entertain my readers......An odd concept to you Oi?
I am really not interested in massaging the egos of advertisers or their products. The copywriters write for the advertisers and journalists write for their readers. If all I wanted to do was push advertisers products I would work for an ad agency.
And the money orientated arguement? Well if readers like what I write then in theory circulation goes up, and so advertisers get greater exposure. If readers find that what I write is little more than PR puffs(boring) then circulation goes down and less people see their ads.
Check out for example CAR magazine the top UK motoring mag, they frequently criticise and gently poke fun at the products of their advertisers and guess what the readers love it and the advertisers seem able to live with that.

7/5/12 23:19  

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