Sunday, July 23, 2006

NST steps out of the Stone Ages, Or Some Other Similarly Dumbass Age (1)

Still recovering from the reverberations of Zidane's headbutt, here's the weekend edition late by a couple of days from Daft Oi...

As other gnatizens of the Blogicana like StonyBroth and MonitorFire gave you quick, preemptive and generally lame puns about NST's Monster Blogs, Potshots staff was simply fast asleep recovering from their collective sleep-debt during the World Cup. Although, news of half of the staff never even showing up for work for two months now, has yet to be confirmed.

So, to honour NST's new portal by which they hope to tap a younger readership, Potshots goesback to one of the deep-seated traditions of the NST newsroom - one that is sadly missed nowadays since they started running a tighter ship under Brendan of the Prairie - that is, damage control.
Since Potshots missed the news earlier and didn't even pick up on it once the project was up-and-running and continued to ignore it for at least another week,we're offering you now, a huge feature analysis on each and every single one of those involved in the project.

For those of you not yet in the know, NST has launched a blog portal called MOnstERblog. They chose the name due to the fact that it would puzzle people, hence resulting in NST making MO people go "ER..." Very poetic. It utilises this new technology called 'blog', which I'm proud to say is a product of our hard work here at PotshotLabs Sdn. Bhd. It's a super-cutting-edge technology which had its first debut right here on Potshots and was later taken to da max by our premiere partner Google, with the introduction of this Blogs Pot service. Since my hero is Linus Torvalds and he gets all the chicks - especially the penguin chicks - I have made this technology completely FREE to use for everybody!!! It is as the tilapia who has seen the worth of all the goldfish from far away, through the width and breadth of a fish-eye lens that gives him a broader view on the world. Thus, generous am I.


Linus, Linus, what a man art thou, in the halls of all the manly ages.

So the Times That Is New But For Straits Rather Then Straights is the latest media-mogulopoly to make full use of 'blog'-powered journalism of da peeps. Rather than attempting to create its own blogs, though, NST is riding hard as a naval officer on shore leave on the popularity of various sucka- uh, I mean providing space to various established bloggers, whom I will now introduce to you below. Beneath this, that is. As in, underneath. No, scroll down a bit. Down. It's there. Below. Stop reading this and move on, idiot.

Joyce the Kinky Blue Fairy
The Kinky Blue Fairy begins what we will come to learn is a sort of trend among the MOnstERs, by being neither kinky, nor blue, nor a fairy. How, I hear some of you asking, would you, venerable Lord Oi, know whether or not this woman is kinky? Have you been engaging in untoward behaviour with her? Well, to that I have only to say that a gentleman kisseth not to tell, and it was only her choice of smooth peanut butter rather than crunchy that made me question her kink credentials.
The only person who truly knows the truth about this raging kinky controversy is the subject of Joyce's blog, her boyfriend and amateur personality Adam C, who has elected her as his Chief Groupie. A huge controversy is heaving and huffing and puffing over the exact meaning of his initial, 'C', as it is quite a common one among famous people in Malaysia. You got your Adam C, your Serena C, your Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohamad C, and so on. Well, thanks to the supremo journalistic diggery of my Earthworms, I can confirm that this 'C' stands for 'Celebrity'.
"Think about it", my Little Earthworm explained, "These are all people who are famous not for talent, nor for ability, and not really for any sort of genetic superiority, but just because they're famous." I'm also informed that Joyce The Kinky Blue Fairy - herself a clear supporter of the cult of C for Celebrity for no bloody reason, since her blog links to that Intergalactic Empress of Stupid, Xiaxue - is contemplating a change of name to Joy C, while the magazine she is sometimes seen to work for, Juice, might cash in on its connection to her by renaming itself Jui C. Elsewhere, her bf's professional colleague and fellow semi-personality Jason Lo has already put in an application to have his name altered to Jason Lo C.


Hey Joe, whaddya know? Well, I know that you're looking for the Blue Fairy, and I also know that she hasn't actually been kinky, like ever.

Minishorts
Unfortunately NST failed in its attempt to rope in my personal Mahaji Guruswamy-san Jeff Who Makes All The Girls Go Ooi, owner of the World's Most Pathetic Attempt At A Dictatorship Ever, Screenshots. But, sensing the need people may have for some sort of substitute that at least kind of rhymes with Screenshots, they signed on Minishorts. Or at least, we think that's the reason, because my Earthworms are at a loss as to why else anyone would ever want to be associated with this woman. Minishorts is a social crusader, like myself. She comes from a university famous for producing mobs of people behaving in baboon-like ways, a reputation that she herself takes issue with. In fact, she's trying to rouse a rabble to dispel this notion that her university produces only rabble-rousers.
So she's busy trumpeting the qualities of her alma mater, including the fact that "It is the place that gave the friends who patiently helped me complete that stupid jigsaw puzzle for me to win back my boyfriend's heart." Geez, I wish my university, Harvard, had done that for me. Honestly. All they did was send me an e-mail asking if I wanted to buy a degree and then mail it to me a couple of weeks later.
The truth is, Minishorts is a person who takes issue with a lot of things. Take this post, for example, where she reports on an incident involving her car, an untended radiator, an unobserved temperature gauge and several levels of flaming idiocy culminating in her being stuck by the roadside. Her big beef is not that she ought to pay a bit more attention to being less silly, but that only people who looked like rapists stopped to offer her help. So if you happen to be of a helpful sort of disposition, forget about offering aid to people unless you look like Tobey Maguire or Kermit the Frog. As Minishorts herself opines, "Why is it that no one seemingly decent would stop to help?". Well, dunno, lady - perhaps because those 'seemingly' decent people weren't actually decent after all, and perhaps we should stop being so superficial and image-obsessed? Just a thought. Maybe those motorcyclists were rapists after all. In which case, you could have just refused a lift and asked them to bring you some water. But then, who knows, maybe they might have splashed it all over your face or something. KL's scary these days.


If you're the guy on the left, you can stop and help Minishorts, but don't even dream of it if you're the guy on the right. Go shave, for heaven's sake. Facial hair has just been too dodgy-looking, for always.

Paul Tan
Paul Tan is Malaysia's most celebrated automotive blogger, which means that he's a preacher to masses of disgruntled apes with short fuses and limited linguistic abilities who wish they were driving Subaru Imprezas when all they can afford are Proton Satria Neos and Trinities. He's the sort of guy Minishorts wouldn't accept help from if she was stuck by the side of the road with a case of overheating and membodoh, since she'd think he looks dodgy, considering that he always appears as though he's about to punch you. Apart from being the only person in the world named Paulvinder, Paul is well-known principally because, unlike other Malaysian bloggers, he doesn't blog about himself and actually writes about things people want to read about. What a concept, eh? I'd like to point out that this is a technique that was also invented here at PotshotLabs, although I have yet to make use of it. Apart from writing posts about wastegates and approved permits, Paul is sometimes seen lurking about car launches wielding his cameraphone. His resemblance to a certain green-skinned hulking superhero (but with mocha skin) has resulted in him becoming a feared figure amongst Malaysian auto journalists, who warn their kids at night to 'behave or else Paul Tan will come and get you.' The auto journalists are known to clump up into a defensive herd formation when Paul lumbers nigh, much like oxen protecting themselves from one-eyed boogie monsters. At least one of them has been heard calling him 'sir'. It doesn't help that he communicates in a series of unintelligible grunts.


Tony the Tiger took Paul Tan out to test a new autovehicle, and his verdict was "GNAAAAAARRR", yesterday.

Alright, time and space (a continuum) are constraining me, so I shall sign off now and leave you awaiting, with baited breath, the second instalment of my run-down on the low-down on this new pantheon of monsters. Until then, if you think my attacks are too personal, hey man, I'm just updating my i-Pod playlist. What is fit for the geesey is fit for the ducky, although for tilapias we always make the exception, and exceptionality is many things were it not for which time knows and dictates. Until such time permits as has been said, this has been Potshots, your window and my door.


DAFT OI SAYS: It has also come to my attention that Joyce the... blogger, claims to not have been seen to ever work for Juice/Jui C. Allow me to clarify, as I sometimes assume people to have some degree of intelligence, when in fact, they only have a diploma from some cooking class. The actual fact of the matter is that the Malay Mail and Juice are one and the same. Anyone who has even the first idea of chaos math will be able to tell from integrating the vertical patterns of the juxtaposition of graphics and alphanumerics whilst recoordinating that sum along with the differential equation extracted from the uncertainties inherent in each publication.
What do you mean, you don't get it? Ok, it's simple. Malay Mail claims to give you all the "juiciest" news, right? And what is the "juiciest" news if not stuff about juice, which surely a magazine named Juice must report on too!
If only, more people were like my Little Earthworms and my staff, then we can truly engage the National Broadband Plan, instead of swimming around looking at goldfish.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Paul Tan said...

beware the 130Y's bumper!

24/7/06 22:08  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

i say there, is that a threat, big fellow?

24/7/06 22:23  
Blogger kinkybluefairy said...

"the magazine she is sometimes seen to work for, Juice, might cash in on its connection to her by renaming itself Jui C."

Eh. i don't work for Juice. I've *neveR* worked for Juice. -_-

Get facts right before stating pls. you another one haih.

but i have to say the pic made me laugh

25/7/06 01:21  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

My facts are always right. 'Tis you that is wrong. Go and check.

25/7/06 01:31  
Blogger Priscilla said...

I HEARTIES PAULVINDER TA!N!

- 10 X 10 (kuasa infiniti) LOVELIES FOR MINISHORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:D

25/7/06 14:34  
Blogger kinkybluefairy said...

Such a fucktard. Don't waste my time la.

26/7/06 01:45  
Blogger Priscilla said...

look mommy! it's snowing!

29/7/06 22:33  
Blogger Priscilla said...

OK SO IT NOT SNOWING!?

D:!?

25/8/06 20:07  

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