Monday, May 29, 2006

Between a Rokk and an Ahirudin place

Football season is coming again, having left us for long enough so that we could collect the spent beer cans and haul them to the recycling plant to pay for next month's Astro subscription.
And for the World Cup, I have a good strategy, the same one I employed for the Malaysian Under-20 + 3 vs MyTeam + dodgy bleach jobs. I will watch it on TV.

Now, here's a team that will thrash the Malaysian football team, anytime, foo.

Yes, unlike the gila babi membebel 70,000 people who went to the round place which is a bit penget so not round like the ball that players want to go and Kick It! Kick It!... I had the vantage point of, my chair. The reason is I - as all of you know by now and if you didn't, you will never, never, never know Simply Red - am a patriot.
And because our football fans are all unpatriotic hooligans who support YourTeam, I cannot go to the stadium. What will happen is that when their team of amateurs (haha, amateurs, I called you! I am so witty!) loses to the Tigers, they will all be upset and beat me up.

Aduh, during my last visit to the stadium.

Now, although I am a team player, as witnessed during my Counterstrike playing days (where I left the glamour of defusing bombs and saving hostages and damsels in distress to others while I did the dirty job of fragging those n00bs), I am far too important to risk my life in a hellhole of such hellish depth.
Which brings me to my point. Why all these flers so unpatriotic? Go and watch Malaysia play, but support the opponents. I understandla if the other team got your brother, or cousin or husband, but majority of people in the stadium supported KhairyTeam. How come? Don't tell me their families so fertile and can beranak sedozen sekali. I know that is patently impossible because all hospitals only have 11 cots for newborns.

It doesn't matter if the China women's team can beat our Malaysian boys, we must still support. Same like garmen rite? Even though they do stupid things like ban documentaries about our own history, we must still be proud of our country and those that represent us, just like how I'm sure all of you are proud of Lazarus Rokk - and no, I am not trying to make fun of his name. That IS his name. Serious. No lampooning whatsoever. Oklah, maybe just a bit - Lazy Ass Rokok! Hurh hurh hurh.

We must be proud of him because he is willing to stand up even when nobody cares and state sort of loudly that MyTeam had an obligation to defeat Malaysia - and not vice-versa - because they were the ones who issued the challenge. In Rokk's Rokk-tastic world of manly duels and damsels who are only pretending not to want a rub of your shiny scalp, a challenge must be honoured with scrotal gumption as well as various other things that can be expanded into needlessly verbose, clunky phrases, such as 'footballs', which as we all know can be lengthened into 'extremity-ending flat toe-wielding appendage scrotal gumption.'

Rokk can't understand why the onus (onus, hurh hurh hurh) was on Malaysia to beat MyTeam. As he says, "The general consensus – gently coaxed no doubt by the protagonists of MYteam -- is that while the national team needs to win at all cost, the virtual reality team that cost quite a lot to put together, has got nothing to lose.
If everyone indeed believes that, then why was there a necessity to waste everyone’s time, effort, and Telekom Malaysia’s RM 4million to put on this hyped-up match?"

Far be it from us at this humble Blog of Truth to question such sage words, but it seems odd to us that Rokk hasn't realised that Telekom Malaysia already got more than their money's worth out of this whole shebang, since the positive vibes generated by MyTeam were so immense that had they lost 12-0 the crowd would just have gone, "Awwww, the evil merciless pros socked it to the poor, spunky underlings - well no matter, MyTeam are winners based on their courage alone, and now I must go and make several long-distance phone calls to explain this fact to everyone I know." Even if Telekom Malaysia lost out on this RM4 million deal, how can it harm them when they have a market so captive it's like Alcatraz - after all, where else are Malaysian consumers supposed to turn to for their telephony and broadband needs? The only way you'd avoid TM would be if your definition of 'broadband' is The Magic Numbers.

The Magic Numbers, real broad band - make no mistake about it, ever.

Ok, but you see, according to another sort of Rock, which is a Rocky, but not like the boxer, but probably a barista since he makes some sort of Bru - Yes, Bru - , now that Laser-us' previous medium, his Counterpoint column, has left Jalan Riong along with his sizeable being, Lazarus is sort of arising from the grave (again?) and going to the World Cup as a media officer. One wonders whether he will be there to dispute blindly anything that comes his way, the same way he did with his column, as much as the idea of a column designed solely to disagree with things might seem comical. Well, here's a man who likes to use the phrase 'scrotal gumption' instead of 'balls' as if it's cool. Worryingly, he will be the only representative from Asean at that famed international tournament based around 22 men kicking a scrotal gumption around a field, showing that Southeast Asia is an association - possibly of bald annoyances - rather than a region.

While most say that when Rocc accepted the VSS, it was actually far from voluntary: the lack of any point being countered in the past decade led the company to decide that enough was enough - as enough is usually not insufficient - and to free him to ply his Man United apologetics where it'll actually be appreciated. Yes, so now the glory-hunting giant flaming ball of gas has offered him a column. Glory, glory Star Publications!

On an aside, can you imagine, the Tak Bengkok dan Tak Lama Times once had a column called Rocky's Bru? Rocky's Bru. And it wasn't about coffee or beer. Although suspicions that beer was indirectly involved in the inebriated ramblings have never been unfounded, which is the complete opposite of what happens when Sherlock Holmes looks for a murderer.

A close relation of Rocky's
Bru, before it died a natural death, unlike the Bru that keeps on Bruing.

Let's take a look at the career of the ex-journalist, somewhere between veteran and retired. Last post held in mainstream media was Executive Editor of the (old) Malay Mail and (now-dead) Sunday Mail (R.I.P - because resting in peace doesn't necessarily mean deceased, it may mean simply sitting on a big pile of VSS cash).
Why do I say this? Oh, because I wouldn't dare associate any of the new Malay Mail with the old one. It wouldn't be fair, because the new one actually has a boss who isn't off doing something other than being Executive Editor.
See, this is unfair, because Rocky was Bruing a storm at the press club, where his actual fulltime job as Press Club President and reigning champion of subsidised beers was taking up so much of his selfless and unrewarded effort.
Have no fear, O members of the press, for Rocky will still be the Bruising Boss of your Club (hehe, geddit? Club?) until his license to kill expires. Yes, it expires in 007. Not 07 or 2007. Or even the Peugeot 307. But 007. Yes, feels like Entrapment all over again.

the Real 007 bru, shaken not stirred since Sean Connery said Bond. James Bond.

Our man Rock, Rock, Rocky one, has donned his cute shorts and striped singlet as he went forth to play the pundit, like his good buddy Rokk, something he has done for many years in his column that is not about beer or coffee.

Rocky dons his own brandname jacket, when it gets cold.

Based on hearsay, which has been the epitome of Malay Mail journalistic philosophy, he has insinuated that the Non-Communist Letters is crap in the context of what the Little Birdlike chirping in his ears told him - that the tabloid paid ad agent droid, BBDO, who is a close friend of C3PO, US$1 million for their recent revamp into Selangor's official tabloid.

Duli Yang Maha Mulia, since May 20.

Here at Potshots, we are astounded by Berbatu's expert analysis. Of course it's crap since it only cost RM400k+ to get rid of him during the VSS. Once the difficult part was done, you'd expect them to spend just a few more bucks to finish up the process.
We agree that there is definitely something fishy here. We can almost be sure that at least RM3 million of that money must've gone into some corrupt fler's pocket.
Sure makes your VSS payout look like crap, doesn't it, Rocky? But your sacrifice is an enduring encouragement to the rest of us who hope to also one day inherit a BMW 5 series just like that one.

A good investment for Rocky, trusted for generations of people with a lot of loose cash.


Anonymous lecherous rokk said...

u crack me up dood!! mo' o' dis 'n ah'll end up a crackhead!!!

6/6/06 23:16  
Anonymous lim cow goon said...

"Of course it's crap since it only cost RM400k+ to get rid of him during the VSS.... But your sacrifice is an enduring encouragement to the rest of us who hope to also one day inherit a BMW 5 series just like that one."

No wonder he's got so much time to blog now!

6/6/06 23:41  
Blogger Kusems said...

I never have any idea what you're talking about, but for some reason, I can't stop reading. It must be all the pictures...

7/6/06 05:06  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

no, kusems, it is because of truth! that shining beacon that draws all men.

7/6/06 10:47  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

400K to get rid of someone who spent all his time at the press club getting pissed. If this had been another company they would have just sacked him - a much cheaper alternative. nst still hasnt got its basic economic principles right.

Yaakob Paulus

7/6/06 14:54  
Anonymous josep thosai said...

alamak! this nst so stupid one ah? paying useless editors big money to leave when they should have their arses fried! he he!

7/6/06 16:46  
Blogger tigerjoe said...

I just wanted to say that I have a different pic of that Korean football chick that you are currently using as your profile pic.

I did mention "football", so I take it this comment is not off-topic.

7/6/06 18:08  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

NST practices our national policy of affirmative action. if you're a sneaky little bugger who works your way to the top by taking advantage of other people, it'll give you special rights.
if you're actually a useful member of the organisation, then you work for the love of it.

and yes, i too have seen many images of that goddess and have thus employed here for the duration of the world cup, as an intern with Potshots.
does anyone know a good dry cleaner?

7/6/06 18:18  
Anonymous orang utans (aka igp) said...

we dedicate this version of neil young's rockin' in the free world to the 'rocky horror show' - we love 'the rocky horror picture show' so mean it as a sign of respect!

click on our name to download. btw, igp stands for i-bands guitar project.

8/6/06 15:31  

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