Friday, April 14, 2006

Loser likes winning

Ladies & gentlemen, boys & girls, Daft Oi will admit any day to being a fast driver. Driving fast is what gave me my nickname back in my schooldays in the town of Tinbang - they called me 'fastie'. I like fast things, which is why I'm always watching motorsport, and since I'm also a patriot, I need always be training an eye on our nation's racing talents. This is why I've been watching the A1 Grand Prixs a lot, because our man Alex Yoong is blazing a trail over there, except maybe not blazing so much as sort of reheating the cold leftovers of a trail.

Yoong, bringing Malaysia to a glorious fifth place finish in the A1GP, which was recently concluded.

Alex Yoong is a big man, a man tooo big for things as small as Formula 1. That's how I always felt, which is why when I met him I'd say "Alex, why this Formula 1 nonsense, a man like you should aim for something bigger, like Formula 3 or Formula 500 or Formula 3000."
He never listened. Now I feel like corralling the guy and giving him the old 'I told you so', because he's just pretty much said the same thing recently, when he announced that he prefers A1 to F1 (note: just like 3, 500 and 3000 are bigger numbers than 1, so A is alphabetically bigger than F. Let's hope Yoong doesn't end up racing in the GP2 support races for the F1. Now that would be sinking low).

A race we hope never to find Yoong in, at least not until he grows up a little.

Yes, F1 is easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. After all, two of his former teammates at the now-extinct Minnowdi F1 team have ended up being Formula One champion and Team Williams' No.1 driver respectively. Piece of cake, this F1 business.

Anything Fernando Alonso can do, Alex Yoong can do better - by finishing second instead of first, on the same day.

Yoong explained that, "Formula One is the pinnacle of motorsport in terms of technology. It is about manufacturer against manufacturer, about engine deals and about money. A1GP is run by countries, the cars are identical, it is an equal playing field. The aim is to see which is the best team and driver, it is about the people."
Yes, Alex, it's all about the rakyat! The rakyat that you will never disappoint! The rakyat that saw you fail to qualify in an F1 race not once, not twice, no way, but three times, forever putting Malaysia into the F1 record books! Syabas and majulah sukan untuk negara!

Alex Yoong, making Malaysia known far and wide, for the past five years.

Yoong's opinion has been backed by veteran superboss and skirting-designer/remover of F1, Flavio "Flava" Briatore, "The people looking F1 because is everything together. Is the driver, is the team, is the performance, is the private jet if you want. Is the helicopter, is the girl, is the star. This is F1. Is the one big box with all these ingredient inside and are keeping the keys and we are sometime too arrogant as well. Including the team. And I believe you put a big mistake."

OK, then.

Even easier, peasier and squeezier than F1, is Flav's insightful statements on the sport, each and every time he ends up on TV.

Yoong also says that, "I would definitely stay in A1GP, it would have to be a good deal for me to move to F1. A very good deal!"
He refused to reveal what sort of deal constituted a good one, or even a 'very good' one, but with fellow A1 driver Scott Speed being the only man so far to move from A1 to F1, it would probably have to involve something incredible... like actually having an F1 car to drive. Not to mention enough talent to drive one. Perhaps he's holding out for a sponsor to help him leapfrog over that unfortunate 'talent' issue, the way 4D berjudi-judi honchos Magnum did when they offered to help the Minnowdi team continue existing in exchange for them making Yoong one of their principal drivers. Money for letting Alex drive, in other words, in the sort of deal that happens all the time in Tijuana or the shadier streets of Bangkok. Perhaps, if Potshots could so humbly suggest, he should get his current sponsors Proton to help the Stupor Aguri team of Japan, currently said to be in a position occupied by Minnowdi back when Yoong was F1's 'Defensive Driver of the Year'. Proton could give Stupor Aguri some Iswaras, which they could look at after each race, have a hearty laugh and thus relieve the stress of being designated losers. In exchange, the Aguri boys could let Yoong drive. Heaven knows, that'd provide enough comic relief without the Iswaras.

Not the ones that Yoong would want, for next season.

But Yoong is not a man to be underestimated. In his previous association with the pussy's excuse for motorsport, he came out the undeniable winner in a gamble with Magnum, striking the proper 4D combination to have himself sponsored by the promoter of our local traditional sport of crowding around an accident scene.

Supporting Malaysian motorsports, for generations to come.

After all, someone has to pay for the fact that Yoong has to work longer hours in an F1 car than he does now in an A1 car. For example, in Sepang, it's a 310km race, taking this year's winner, Giancarlo Fishyfellah 1.5 hours to complete, whereas the A1 race was a 165km affair that the faggy peace-loving French won, with a supersonic time of 1 hour. You're in and out in the time it takes to watch Teri Hatcher prance around before getting laid by the gardener.

But if any of you are math geniuses, and I know that at least one of you is, you'll realise that the average speed for an F1 race is over 200km/h whereas for an A1 skip-around-the-yard, it's 160-odd.
Meaning, Yoong would have to work much harder and risk higher chances of getting hurt in an F1 race. SO, YEAH, F1 TEAM BOSSES, BETTER PAY OUR MAN ALEX A SHITLOAD OF CASH OR YOU'LL NEVER SEE THE LIKES OF HIM OR A MALAYSIAN CHICK IN THE PITLANE AGAIN! Oh, wait, forgot about Yang Berbahagia Datuk Panglima Kosong Kosong Tujuh Kuda Melonjak Michelle Yeoh.

Datuk Michelle Yeoh, flying the Malaysian flag high in F1, every time she goes to bed with Jean Todt.

When asked to comment on whether he would finally win a race next year instead of finishing second twice in A1, or his career best seventh in F1, achieved after seeing off Pedro de la Rosa in an intense battle to not finish last in an eight-car race, Yoong refused to comment, instead walking off in the arms of his loving wife Arianna Teoh, sobbing and whining about how nobody appreciates him. The problem was exacerbated when immediately after that Yoong heard the name 'Karamjit Singh' being mentioned, something which never fails to send him into a flurry of desperate sobs. Teoh was later heard saying "There, there, he's not better than you, the earth's gravity is just a bit stronger everytime he races, so his downforce is better. Rallying is eeeaasy..."

Let's face it, you'd go sobbing to her too, as often as you could.

Don't worry, Yoong, it's okay if Karamjit has five hundred and twenty three times your talent and half the opportunities you've had, because here at Potshots, you are always appreciated for bringing a smile to our lips, specifically, the ones on our faces, just like everything else we talk about here.


Blogger mob1900 said...

Another brilliant post I must say, old chap, only thing I miss though are your Earthworm. Where are they off to?

15/4/06 19:52  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't understand why the malaysian racing people din't mock the TIARA up a bit and race it in F1. Finance? Hey we have Petronas. And another stupid thing they do is to sell off MV Augusta. Didn't they see that Mahaleel and Mahathir already got it figured up. Weld two bikes together and voila a super racing mean machine MMF1. That is why the old Tun is seething mad.

15/4/06 21:53  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

Ever since History was changed, the Earthworms have been trying to find some wormholes back into a normal continuum where Jeff Ooi is still read by fools, so we can go back to laughing at him. Stay tuned for more in alternate reality news.

15/4/06 23:58  
Blogger All My Base said...

Michelle Yeoh is one hot datuk.

16/4/06 22:51  
Blogger desiderata said...

a goode one -- but don't maketh Michelle's wife a Toad!

21/4/06 17:45  

Post a Comment

<< Home