Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Thousands die as History succumbs to digital manipulation.

*BREAKING LIKE AN EGG FROM A BIRD WITH H5N1 NEWS*

After the latest spate of either somebody twiddling his fingers or filing her nails or fudging up some pictures, thousands of lives have been claimed in the devastating aftermath of History taking a walk in the park and suddenly being ambushed by some shady characters.


Another shady character, just before a downpour.

The first signs were uncovered by the Shepherd Whose Rod and Staff, They Comfort Me, Jeffovah Ooisbergskistein, who expertly deduced - without a calculator, mind you, to his mother's great pride - that pictures by Reuter's photographer Basuki aka Bazuki aka Whatever Else Jeff Wants To Call Me Because He Is A Great Journalist And This Means He Checks His Names and Facts Religiously had been digitally manipulated by either Ba?uki, Reuters or the newspaper that published the manipulated image, Berita Harian Kecuali Ahad.


Rumours that Ooi used an abacus are unconfirmed, as of now.


Whoever the guilty party is, it became obvious that the price of an eye-catching picture devoid of some monkeys making people faces is far too high as the earth-shattering and sky-dropping after effects of such unrighteous irresponsibility started to unfold, doing the very opposite of what a Filipino maid might do after doing the ironing.
To illustrate that this was no game of chance that the media was playing, Ooi proceeded to tease us with a little puzzle, asking "Now, take a look of the pictures again. Spot the difference and tell us, which one is the faked Bazuki?" before proceeding to tell us exactly which one was the original.
Now, perhaps this may still be a tough one to crack for the average Screenshots reader, since it's only in school that they teach penaakulan mantik, everyone's favourite gameshow on the Math Channel on TVP. But for the rest of us, a short bit of chin-stroking after overcoming the initial burst of "What the hell is Jeff Talking About" coursing through our cranial neurons, would reveal that Ooi is talking business, and not just the sort of business that he writes of for The Scribe.


Dropping to second, on this week's favourite gameshow list.

And so it was that the ghosts of the missing monkeypeople went to visit History, who was trying his best to be original and not be repeated, which he always fails to do, but tries anyway. These spirit beings proceeded to knock the bloody stuffing out of History, although it only turned out to be rather old cranberry stuffing instead.
And so, reality and the universe themselves were shaken to their very roots - whereupon, my trusty Earthworms finally realised that something was going on.


Artist sketch of old cranberry stuffing from the temporal crime scene continuum, just minutes ago.


They hearkened unto the whaling wails of the walls of the world and discovered that history has been changed forever! Just like in that movie where Arnold Schwarzeniggahplease goes back in time to end Michael J. Fox who ends up sleeping with his grandma and ends up being his own grandfather which explains why Fry is such a retard in the end.


Watch out Fry, he's going to get you, sooner or later.

My Little Earthworms have uncovered in this new, changed history, America apparently decided not to invade Apple's iRaq or Afghanistan and instead pulled out all their troops from the Middle East. Such a pussy move resulted in those rabid Jihadderizing Angels of Death continuing to destroy buildings across America, resulting in far more lives being lost than in the wars (that now don't exist). After all, logic dictates that if someone complies to your demands, you can always expect that person to continue to be your bitch.


MIGHT IS RIGHT!

Don't believe that history has been changed? Just check out what Ooi, in his capitalised and emboldened state, said earlier today;

JEFF OOI says: ...An apprentice cook like you want to meddle with bolts and nuts in a mechanic's workshop? Or an alchemist's lab?

...and also

JEFF OOI says: ...We don't suffer fools here.

Human civilisation has had its fate rewritten and now, Screenshots has an entirely new readership, totally devoid of the fools who thought that since this altered picture didn't lie, it's only akin to an article that has some facts edited out due to irrelevance. Why did we ever listen to such deviously seductive common sense that appealed to our wicked nature of good judgment?
Even more disturbingly, bolts and nuts are found in an alchemist's lab! If alchemy instead of chemistry exists today, then the Age of Reason has not truly taken over and magic still exists! The Stone, Bronze, Industrial and Band Ages got all confused and rolled around until we are left with but one last frightful question to ask...

"Why does a question that begs also have to nag?"

27 Comments:

Anonymous anonynonymousy said...

how sad is this? you have created a website to comment solely on a blog that you think is lousy. what does that make your blog?

i am not some sort of screenshots fan or anything. in fact, i think that blog isn't anything great. however, i think devoting your life to commenting on a half decent blog is just plain screwed up.

and now, since i don't want to turn into a commentator of a blog that comments on another blog, i shall end here and never return.

good day my friend, and always remember to do what makes you happy. : )

6/4/06 12:10  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

i agree, i think it's screwed up too.

6/4/06 12:52  
Blogger Anak Merdeka said...

Heyyy ... I thought we are all members of the MALAYSIAN BLOG PATRIOTS club, right?

So, start tightening the skrews and rev up your engines. It's time to hit the road!

The show should just about start ... right now... ke garisan, sedia, dan ... mulaaaaaaa

:)

6/4/06 15:32  
Anonymous little song bird said...

he he he... who cares abt being decent or half decent. those are no fun lah. non-screw-up ppl are no fun also.

6/4/06 17:12  
Anonymous chevo said...

You're absolutely hilarious! :)It's been awhile since i've read a blog that's articulate and brilliant!

bravo!

Looking forward to your next entry!

6/4/06 17:52  
Blogger amir said...

Hi, kids! I'm Big Bird, sworn enemy of Little Bird.

I'm here to tell you that Jeff Ooi has some serious backing.

As in there is something serious in his backside.

As in there is a stick up his ass.

Keep this site up. It brings balance to The Force.

6/4/06 19:51  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't you think too much of something is not actually a good thing? What we have here is actually somekind of a hollywood thing going on. Someone creates something serious and before you know it someone comes out with a spoof but this time you know that the spoof would be out the day after. Spoofs are a novelty here but like anything else in fashion, they sadly die out, kapoof or just become plain old predictable. Enjoy it while it lasts. Its always nice to pick at someone as long as that someone is not you and to top it all you get all those "way to go man" "wow what wit" "can't wait for tomorrow", encouragements: orgasmic man. You write good man, you are witty, inteligent and string your words real well but somehow if you could go on a notch higher, and leave the poor guy alone coz he's all bashed up anyway, you will lose that predictability that you have created. You know I get this feeling that a sharpshooter keeps on shooting at the same target.

6/4/06 23:18  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

i sympathise with you. once upon a time, i was the man who wasn't gettign the orgasms myself and filled with envy and sperm.

6/4/06 23:40  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man oh man, another round of sheer orgasmic convulsion. I knew it. How so very Daft. Just the kind of response I had had expected: sidestep the main issue and issue the man a step in the side. Look didn't I warn ya, Predictable.

7/4/06 10:50  
Anonymous shitting bull said...

eh, atleast those not happy with this blog still got their space and not deleted... he he... not like in some other freedom of the speech n expression blog (u know which one la).

7/4/06 12:01  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

yeah, i am so ashamed to be a child of this predictable world, where even though we don't know who is going to die tomorrow, we know thousands of them are going to. i don't get why we bother with reporting deaths or with obits anyway. this stupid, predictable world.
i promise in future that i will strive towards new and standards which stand the test of fashion, and will keep in mind that things like the centuries-old literature devices of satire and parody will predictably go out of style later this year. thank you for your support and fatherly advice, tuan sri anonymous.

7/4/06 13:15  
Blogger All My Base said...

I shall hereby devote my entire life to worship this blog. Seriously, The Great One Who Does Not Suffer Fools needs to loosen his ball-cuffs a bit.

7/4/06 17:13  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Would I be wrong if I were to say tomorrow we will be served with another dish that contains some Jeff Ooi's bodily part? Isn't that predictability? What about serving fried Samy balls, or Tom Yam Keng Yaik or sambal Lah. With your skills you can come out with a masterpiece each time you venture into new territories. That's what I have been meaning to say all this while. Come on be a sport. I really don't give a fuck about Jeff and because of that the thought of Jeff squirming with an anal intruder up his ass don't really give me a hard on. there are many more assholes around (and if you insist, ok I am one)What do you say?

7/4/06 20:02  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

Lord Anonymous,

My time machine is broke, so i cannot say what you may be eating tomorrow.

But if you come by Potshots Cafe, once in a while, the chef serves up a surprise, because he lives in a kampung where all sorts of things get run over from time to time.

7/4/06 21:26  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boy one do get elevated pretty fast from tuan sri to lordship all in a day. I'll still be dropping by twice or thrice daily as I always do and see what's on the menu. Anyways happy cooking. Could you by any chance serve escargot on the morrow?

8/4/06 00:00  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

man...if u hv time, i will take you and jeff to DANOK to fcuk the town.

8/4/06 12:09  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why Danok? Malaysia Boleh has come to town. We are international man. We have those from various parts of China, from India, Bangladesh, phillipines, East Europe and lets not forget our very own Malaysian, from students to bohsias and even bohjans. You have to love your country man. Fcuk locally if you don't want locals.

8/4/06 15:34  
Anonymous chevo said...

Please make an entry bout the jennifer cutler post mentioned in THAT blog!!!! Why mention it in the first place!!!!!

8/4/06 15:36  
Blogger hew said...

your blog's heelarious.. i don't understand why some anonymous folk feel so strongly against it. maybe they're jealous they didn't think of it first... keep it up

8/4/06 21:52  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you know what is the ultimate paradox? An unfathomable shallowness (or do you call it an oxymoron or dramatic irony). So Hew, this is for you. You missed by a mile.

8/4/06 23:40  
Blogger All My Base said...

wordy people can all suck my anonymous balls

9/4/06 03:13  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So u must marry a wordy woman then, but I get this inkling that u prefer men.

9/4/06 09:51  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Keep it up... Stumbled upon your blog and definitely than the other pompous fellow... Cheers mate.

9/4/06 20:43  
Anonymous little song bird said...

oi daling,
write somemore la. why u so slow meh?

10/4/06 09:44  
Blogger vincent said...

Yeah I am afraid of going to jail, but I don't think a droid hater linking would send me to jail.

Awesome stuffs buddy.

10/4/06 20:16  
Blogger mob1900 said...

Hey, I wanne have Daft make a mockery out of my blog too! I'm fine by it as Jeff is just as flawed like the rest of us as Daft points out.

Keep it 'Up', Dafty.

12/4/06 02:57  
Anonymous Dafter & dafter said...

Great blog guys. Havent visited some time but was reminded when a friend called up and mentioned the blog. For too long Daft Jeff has been pontificating through his anal chambers. "bout time somebody took his face out of AKJs filthy corrupt arse and let him feel some sunshine...

Cant imagine a more disgusting sight than Jeff Ooi's noise stuck halfway up Kadir Jasin's just defecated arse with a little diarrhoead shit running down his face.... yuks.

11/5/06 18:01  

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