Saturday, April 01, 2006

Jeff Ooi champions bad phototaking... (2)

At Potshots, I am very remorseful. I have discovered that I am in fact a liar, a fraud, a manipulator of the truth. I know this because the Prince of Free Speech, Jeff Ooi, said so. He said so on his blog, the Crowning Jewel in the Blogotiara, Screenshots.

You see, Ooi's good buddy CY Leow, a photographer for a national daily advertisement delivery device, has been given a chance to post on a scourge that is warping minds and sullying journalism worldwide - photoshop. Leow goes into the reasons at length, and Ooi also features some comments from some guy who claims to be named John Long but denies being a pornographic superstar.

Photoshop is bad, I now realise that, so I would like to come clean on my use of such tools in the past. Sure, I don't actually use Photoshop, I only use Paint, but I have to say I Photoshopped these things because if I say I Painted them you beautiful morons are going to get the wrong idea.

Here is a cunningly photoshopped picture I made, using an image of a t-shirt from the internet and an image of Ooi's face...

...which I got from this untampered pic, in my earlier days.

Why is this Photoshoppainting of images so horrible? Well, think of the human casualties. CY Leow posted these two pictures on Screenshots and made clear to me what a horrible toll these practices exact on all sorts of nice things.

A picture of Ummi Hafilda Ali, professional virgin, a hell of a long time ago if you ask me.

Another picture of Ummi Hafilda Ali, professional virgin - but this time full of lies! Lies! Fallacies! Fabrications! Save our children from these fork-tongued photographs, before it is too late.

Yes, I'm sure your heart is rent in two now for the loss of those empty photoframes, cruelly tipp-exed out of history. As that worthy crusader CY Leow put it, "You readers might think that this is NO BIG DEAL, hello… you are CHANGING HISTORY, that picture is a WITNESS to history!"

Yes, 50 YEARS FROM NOW, dear readers, your children and grandchildren, bastards and grandbastards will NEVER KNOW that those two photoframes ever existed! Their knowledge of history will be terminally incomplete and skewed! It will be like that Michael J. Fox movie where he totally kissed his mum and stuff!

In order to atone for my past misdeeds of bumping off witnesses to history, I got into my time machine and travelled 50 YEARS FROM NOW - when it is revealed that Ummi Hafilda was, in fact, not a fulltime salaried virgin, but only an incidental, amateur hobbyist virgin - to get in touch with those two deleted photo frames, so I could ask them what they thought of the whole matter. Of course, I could just have tracked them down in the present, but that would have been the kind of thing those pseudo-journalists at Malaysian newspapers would have done. Real journalists use time machines.

Potshots: How did it feel to be so cruelly sliced from the bosom of history?
Left Frame: I was really upset about it. I went home and told all my family-members to look out for me in the paper, and then don't have. People don't even believe me now when I tell them that I was there. How?
Right Frame: Yes, but it was worth it to have seen that woman from the backside.
Left Frame: She's a virgin, you know.
Potshots: OK.

But at this point I'd like to point out the point that I am not alone in being guilty of photoshoppin', and I feel others should atone too. For example, there's the men's magazine FHM. Normally their standards of journalism are very high indeed, but I realised recently that they PHOTOSHOP THE WOMEN ON THEIR COVERS. Yes, readers, those ARE NOT TRULY HISTORICAL WOMEN. I experienced this for myself when I was very much enamoured by pictures of Asha Gill that they printed, until I met her in person and realised that she was dumb. Clearly FHM is guilty of photoshopping the dumbness out of those pictures!

Asha Gill, pre-photoshopping (left) and post-photoshopping (not left), before her dumbness became obvious on Channel V for Lonely Planet.

And if you think that's bad, look here:

Just look at this shamelessness. And what's more, it's from the prestigious Time Magazine. It's a man on the moon! A man. On the moon. Seriously. Who comes up with this stuff? We hope they will end this evil TAMPERING WITH HISTORY, sometime soon.

But alas (and alack), I have discovered that not even the Mighty And Terrible Ooi is immune from this Photoshopping disease. A Little Earthworm sent me an e-mail recently saying "Look at the post titled "How Dare You English Tabloid Editors!" and see if you think it's in bad taste." I checked and yes, it's true, Ooi has photoshopped images as I shall now demonstrate.

This is not the way the Wiley Miller strip looked when the NST published it! No, Ooi has removed the name of the Prophet Formerly Known As MHMMD in order to TAMPER WITH HISTORY as we know it, up to this point.

And if that's not enough, he went further:

Now Jeff, we all know you think the NST's production values are low, but do you honestly expect us to believe that they printed a paper with A GREAT BIG RED ARROW and a YELLOW COMIC STRIP in it?!! You have TAMPERED WITH HISTORY! Why do you let us down, Jeff, so bloody often?

Furthersomemore, that picture you see of him on his site? Yes, it's PHOTOSHOPPED TOO! Check this:

Clearly Ooi has altered this picture to make himself look as ugly as possible, because he heard that chicks dig the ugly guys and the pretty boy thing has actually been failing him, all along.

Perhaps all this stems from the fact that it has become part of modern culture to photoshop. Here, one of our Earthworms on the beat snapped this picture of some people photoshopping.

They're so eager to indulge in this evil, they even bother to queue up, for hours.

Clearly, all this TAMPERING WITH HISTORY must STOP. It doesn't matter that Joe Public and Jill Civic didn't care that the media alter images, they are deluded and we must protect their fragile minds!

Hence, to all bloggers, my advice is to stay your course. Don't be a pawn. Rather, you should be the ones pushing the pawns on the chessboard -- for the larger good. Just make sure you leave the queen for me to get jiggy with.


Blogger The Great Swifty said...

I photoshop myself (by making my already gorgeous self even more gorgeous), I am so utterly ashamed of myself.

2/4/06 23:55  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

oh, sarcasm. whee!

3/4/06 00:21  
Anonymous song bird said...

he he... very funny lah. smart too. thanks aisehman for recommending this blog. will tell my friends also.

3/4/06 11:08  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This site owner is full of shite.
A dim wit.
One muggy scumbag with soppy bollocks.

3/4/06 23:16  

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