Thursday, March 23, 2006

Who are you and what have you done with the real Jeff Ooi?

It is not often that Daft Oi's mighty intellect is perplexed. The last time it happened was when I discovered quantum physics... or was it when I couldn't find my keys...

But recent reports that I have gathered from my deeply rooted Little Earthworms have pointed to a disturbing fact. That The Coolest Cucumber in the Nasi Lemak That Is The Malaysian BlogoFoodoCourto, Jeff Ooi, has turned into the uncoolest Tech Geek in the World!

Just like the cucumber, the aubergine is another fruit often mistaken for a vegetable, since caveman times.

And how has this metamorphosis happened? How did this transformation transpire? What devilish form of transmogrification has Ooi undergone? Were any children hurt in the process? Who knows, save God and Wikipedia and even then, these are not as reliable sources as the little animals that have become the standard bearers of the unquestionable truth, so help me God.

Artist depiction of Ooi's current state, kini.

What we do know, is that all this occured very shortly after Ooi took Flight SQ-U@R3 to America. The team at Potshots Sdn Bhd Corporation Limited Foundation Institute have come up with several theories. After a lot of ROFLMAO, one theory stood the test of the giggles and it is that AMERICA HAS STOLEN HIS SOUL!
Yes, that bitch of a country, that Jezebel, that Succubus of nations, has seduced our champion of Selflessness in Times of Self-Promotion, has sucked the very light of life from his heart and turned him into a gibberish (Buzzwords: Mobility, Innovation, and Day-to-Day Problem-solving)-spouting Techie.

Chairman ROFL MAO says that's funny shit, during the revolution.

And what evidence do we have to support this theory? Well, there was the sudden post on material that kept him warm through his youth, and performing through his old age, displaying how that land of sin has corrupted his mind whilst reversing his memories so as to reconstruct his adulthood.
Secondly, those listening in to the thundering hooves of buffalo at the grassroots with Chief Shitting Bull will know that on numerous occasions, visitors to America have found themselves being changed utterly!

Otterly and utterly are quite different. Same as how augur and auger are quite different, since dictionaries were first published.

I present, exhibit A - Coming To America, where an African prince goes to Queens, New York City to find a wife... Queens, hehe, how punny. But what happens by the end of the movie? Nigger's changed, man!

The Nutty Professor was in fact, quite chocolate-y, back when he was still a prince.

Exhibit B, Shanghai Noon where a Chinese secret agent goes to America to save his princess and becomes... a cowboy! Wah lan eh!

Jackie Chan still thinks the Lone Ranger has powers of flight, til today.

However, there is yet still hope that some remnant of Ooi remains in his disfigured figure, that isn't like a Coke bottle or an hourglass. That remnant is of his signature cutting and visionary perception. Able to cut through the fogs of rationality and proper consideration to spout such gems of diamond-like fruit-slicing abilities as "For want of better word, it's mind-boggling. Awesome even.", "No title a.k.a. Fed-up" (where he expresses his views on a new product called difficulty login, one can only presume it's a security measure, since it's hampering his "user experience" as a Malaysian blogger, and we all know what a dangerous man he is - such a threat to security that he picks up chicks with sexy-as-cold-fungus lines as "you do realise that after meeting me, you may end up on a blacklist?" - cue James Bond music) and "Have alternative browsers Firefox and Safari threatened IE’s dominance? No. As far as user traffic log can tell, IE still remains the browser of choice for more than 65% among Screenshots readers." (yes, Screenshots, which takes up 86.547% of the Internet with its bazillion teracotta bytes of broadband content for the national broandband plan daily, nevermind that we haven't been careful enough to factor in that Screenshots readers tend to speak in a language that consists only of the syllable "baa").

Imagine gajillions of these oozing out of the pores of Screenshots, daily.

So, mothers, tuck your children in safe tonight becuase your hopes of running away with the sexbomb that is Jeff Ooi has not yet totally been extinguished like a candle in the wind that Ooi breaks. Rioters, have no fear, Ooi may yet incite you to greater and bigger things, such as issues that concern all Malaysians, not just those who have no sense of humour or can't pay for your petrol.

Their issue, is that you can't buy them love, back in the 60s.

This has been Potshots, carrying the torch that is made by Maglite that is heavy enough to bust your skull. Bring it.


Anonymous priscilla said...

aubergines and chairman mao are yummy!

25/3/06 11:12  
Anonymous Queen of the Dessert said...

Rioters are yummy too.

25/3/06 15:23  

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