Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Committees! Religionism! Bigfoot! The best in stale news!

So okay, Daft Oi has been away from some time and thus I've fallen behind on providing you, my faithful readerlings, with all the news that's fit to make you go 'what the hell is this guy on about anyway'.

Recently I updated you on the VSS (Voluntary Super Sweepstakes) that took place within the as-yet unlocated halls of The Blog That Just Keeps On Blogging. The Mahaswami Guruji-san of Free Love & Free Speech, Jeff Ooi, failed to entice any of his employees, namely himself, to leave, and this appears to have had adverse effects on his productivity.

Note exhibit 1. Ooi, previously revered as an authority on mathematics, appears to have lost his counting faculties. His increased workload and the failure of his VSS have resulted in a ton of work for him, each ton of work being equivalent to sucking forty Paddle Pops in 36 minutes. He pleads for aid in a post titled 'Help Me Count', where he tearfully admits to his readers, or at least the ones who know how to read, that "I have lost track of the spate of Cabinet committees formed since April 2004. Can you help me out on this?"

Not to worry Jeff, for I have laboured and struggled over the past few days, devoting my holiday hours to you and consulting several leading authorities at the National University of Singapore such as Uncle Kwai the cleaning guy. I've managed to enumerate the lengthy list that you so lovingly compiled on your site, a list of all the cabinet committees formed since two whole years ago. There are seven.

Anyway, this post on Committees actually hints at a solution to Ooi's debilitatingly Himalayan pile of work - the formation of Committees! Our experts all agree that not only would this Committee On Helping Jeff Count Stuff be advisable, but that it's already in the works, and in fact one of the members has already been selected.

An artist's rendition of the Committee going 'Alright, shouldn't someone have asked Jeff to buy more computers or something?", as soon as the man is outed as the cheapskate that he is. Where are the reader freebies, Jeff? They have been awaited, for so long now.

Note exhibit 1. In another not-so-recent post, Ooi quotes an endearingly-named blog, known simply as Aisehman. I guffawed upon hearing this name in my head as I was reading it, for it is a witty use of Malaysian slang, you see. Those of you who are not from Malaysia may be blinking stupidly now (only partly because you're stupid), but the explanation is simple - 'Aisehman' is a term a Malaysian would use to denote a certain ever-so-slightly melancholic sense of regret over opportunities lost to the irrevocable appendages of time, often accompanied by a slap to the forehead. I produce for the benefit of my comrades, colleagues and readers, some examples:
"Aisehman, if I had known it was your porridge I wouldn't have spat in it."
"Aisehman, why didn't you inform me that following your testicular cancer operation you have only 1 ball? Had I known, I would have kicked your backside instead."

Aisehman! - somewhat recently.

I believe quite strongly, following consultation with the constellations, that this Aisehman is the first Committee member for Helping Jeff Count Stuff. He's probably going to be a treasurer, as when in primary school I was class treasurer and I bought Paddle Pops with all the funds, using the phrase 'Aisehman' several times to cover my tracks.

Although he has yet to help Jeff actually count anything, Aisehman is well on the way to High Punditry, having recently stirred up a hornet's nest of bees by mentioning an article in the New, Newer, Newest, Newestest Straits Times regarding Mak Yong, a form of traditional hip-hop that is about to be banned by the fun and mental fundamentals up in Kelantan.

Aisehman posts a few contradictory arguments, pointless rhetorical flourishes and other things your momma warned you about, before concluding that the article should have been written by a Muslim instead of two non-Muslim members of NST's posse of hot newsroom centrefolds, since it is in fact about Islam. Um, or perhaps about Mak Yong. Which is in fact Malaysian, not Islamic. So should they send a journalist who is an expert on Mak Yong, perhaps a Mak Yong practitioner? But they'd have to hire one first. Perhaps they could just send a journalist who is actually from Kelantan?

But nooo...this issue touches ever-so-gently on Islam, which means only a Muslim can write about it. But then they say Mak Yong might have Hindu and Buddhist elements. So what we need is a committee of reporters, one Muslim, one Hindu, one Buddhist and one tri-religious Islamo-Buddho-Hindu Mak Yong practitioner from Kota Bahru, to write about this art form which in fact belongs exclusively to none of these religions but to Malaysia as a whole. But nevermind - anyone who wants to say anything about Islam has to be Muslim, because just as nobody but a Catholic could understand the senile mumblings of the late Pope John Paul II, so too can only a Muslim understand things like Mak Yong, which don't necessarily have anything to do with Islam but nevermind.

The real problem with Aisehman's comments is that they have ignited fury amongst Malaysia's minority Bigfoot population. The Bigfeet, who are currently being hunted down so that they can pay taxes and use tolled roads like the rest of us, have indicated in a press release that they refuse to communicate with anyone else who is not a Bigfoot like them, citing Aisehman's example and saying 'only we can understand us.'

You can have your picture taken with us, but you will never comprehend us! - back when Bigfeet and Man, and Woman too, lived in peace.

"We have been inspired by Aisehman's posting to come out and say that what the Johor government has done in stopping foreigners from coming to visit us is simply a half-measure; we demand that we only be contacted by journalists, scientists and forestry officials who are of our kind," states the release, delivered exclusively to Potshots and signed only with the print of a rather large foot, "If you want to explore issues closely related to Bigfeet, you must send Bigfoot reporters; otherwise, it won't matter if we make confusing statements about ourselves, it will be the reporter's fault for not having enough Bigfoot blood to fathom us. This is not to be called parochial or insular, for we are simply defending our right to be understood, and to avoid being misrepresented as we were in the article written by Rehman Rashid in the NST recently, where he masqueraded as one of us - he may be pretty damn huge but Rehman Rashid is not one of us, nor will he ever be."

Johor government officials are scrambling to locate an actual Bigfoot expert on Bigfeet Studies - it appears most of them did Film instead.

Meanwhile, Maxis denies any link to Ooi's failed VSS programme, uncategorically dismissing claims that it has ever offered free Hotlink reloads to employees of Screenshots.


In a move that is anything but self-serving since I am angling it in such a way that it seems totally selfless, something I learnt from the Genghis Khan of Blog de Malaysia, Jeff Ooi, I am volunteering myself to be the Monitoring & Coordinating Minister (MCM) to monitor and coordinate all the Committee meetings that might take place once Ooi recruits all his committee members to help him with his workload.
Let it never be said that I am not a teamplayer for whichever team I am on... won't somebody tell me?


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