"Untitled" aka "Jeff Ooi's Boon is Mills & Boon" aka "Erotica!"

It's a fact often ignored by my legions of adoring fans (this means you) that I am in fact quite a cultured and sophisticated lover of culture and sophistication. Without the arts, the blessed arts, what an empty life I would lead. Recently I was watching 'M! Th!e Ope! ra!!!' and I found it very artistic indeed, although not quite as affecting as the staging of Herald Punter's 'The Homecoming', which had lots of guys walking around on stage in their underpants. Of course I thought this was very nice for the girls, and is in line with the 9th Malaysia Plan, which has a lot of good things for the girls.


Under the 9th Malaysia Plan there will be many more men running around in underpants, which makes the girls happy, often.

So it pleases me no end when a fellow superpundit and personal mentor like the Hurricane Katrina of the Malaysian Blogoweatherpattern, Jeff Ooi, produces artistically cultured works that are pleasing for me to read. What surprised me upon hearing this news from one of my astute Little Bookworms, though, was the genre that Monsieur Ooi had selected for the flexing of his creative muscle - erotica. I must admit this is one of my favourite genres of fiction, introduced to me a long time ago by my friend the literary aesthete/VCD man. But what surprised me was that Ooi too shares this love for erotica, a much misunderstood genre. I say to all who condemn, just read the scripts for Gwendolyn Goes Down To Ghana and Caroline's Run Out Of Cows and tell me you won't be in tears by the last page. Am I right Jeff?


Jeff Ooi's good buddy Fabio says "read more erotica, dudes, or else I won't put my pants back on, and I already don't wear them very, often".

Ooi has posted regarding an interest in erotica before, and professed his love for Judith McNaught. He is an avid reader of romance novels and has studied the differences between various types of romance literature, such as Mainstream Romance and Erotic Romance. He challenges us to "find out if you belong to the older generation trapped in the belief that romances are just frivolous reading." Right on, Jeff, stick it to those fuddy-duddies. What's wrong with some good ol' throbbing member action, eh? As he goes on to add, erotica's focus is "the sex. It does not necessarily have stories that hinge on a relationship between two characters." Now we're talking, Jeff.

But this new entry of his is not just about furthering his status as a guru of erotica. No, this time he is actually producing the stuff for himself, oozing it out his pores like sweat off a man standing naked outside in the hot sun. Ooi's creative effort appeared in a post titled Milan, PDU 9516, and it seems to fall under an obscure category of erotica which deals with South Pacific Canoe Fever (SPCF), where subjects fantasise rather vividly about modes of transportation, specifically canoes.


Oh, you saucy tease, how you tease us all, often.

I have no idea if Jeff's fixation is a new offshoot of this disorder, since he never mentions canoes specifically, instead going on and on about cars, buses and planes. His erotica begins rather innocently, with Ooi outlining his decision to take public transport (as opposed to drive) back to Penang for Cheng Beng, which is a festival where folks get together to say hi to a bunch of dead people. At first he claims that he does this to "see how it would burn my pocket", but as with all great erotica this is simply the classic innocent premise that is subverted by the ensuing lust-filled extravaganza of lovin' - other examples include the 'let's all stay together in this haunted manor' premise and the 'excuse me nurse, but I've got a strange swelling' premise, both frequently used in the best erotica films.

Things start getting hot and heavy when Ooi gets off the express bus from KL and onto a local bus to head for some kind of jetty. There, as he recounts, the "'conductor', also a young Indian chap, just smiled coyly and collected my fare." It seems this young Indian chap and his association with the transport industry awakened things which are best left in slumber, for soon after Jeff produces these two paragraphs, seeded with a series of slippery similes, breathed over with the best of heavy breathing. Hold on to your pants, dear readers, for things are about to get hot.

"The bus was a ramshackle and has seen better days. Its inside was dusty, hasn't been bathed inside out for years. The temperature in the coach was apparently warmed by the leaking heat insulant and the aircon compressor noise. I could feel it was as uncomfortably warm as a whorehouse at the Mexican border.
The bus took us many residential areas, trespassing the ramshackle ghettos that made up Jalan Jelutong, Perak Road and finally around Pranging Road where Komtar stood like a sore dick. The familiar Shangri-:La Hotel seemedlike a maiden stripped of her virtue as it now looked more a traders' hotel."

I met up with erotica expert Dr. Littel Birdanathan, Professor of Comparative Comparisons Of Literature, You Philistines at the University of Eyesore, India. He singled out Ooi's writing as top-notch erotica.

"Notice, if you will, his that the bus he describes is dirty and "hasn't been bathed inside out". This humanises the bus, making it seem like a dirty loose woman who needs a good bath. He also repeatedly uses of the word 'ramshackle'. This is evocative of the ramshackle state of modern sexuality, with its many offshoots and permutations. So it's not just that Mr. Ooi is turned on by this filthy bus, it's that he takes the bus as a symbol for sexuality. The use of the word 'ghetto' is very evocative as well, as within the dictates of hip-hop culture the 'ghetto' is where you would go to seek out 'dem hoez', and as we all know Mr. Ooi has aspirations to be a rapper. He uses 'trespassing', as well, which segues brilliantly into his later simile involving the hotel that is like a former virgin who has now been trespassed. Finally, in a cunning linguist (hehe, ok, not funny) move, he has emphasised the phallic tradition of hotels by using a colon to turn the phrase 'Shangri-La' into the more visually phallic 'Shangri-:La'. Very clever indeed."


Bertie Bus and his sidelong glance make Jeff Ooi go 'hubba, hubba' and 'meow', often.

Beyond that point, Ooi's post drops the lush language and takes on a certain subtlety, which may or may not indicate an orgy that transpired at a transport depot involving a "young Malay chap, who looked like a college student", "an old nyonya", "people of my Joe Public type", as well as various "elderlies, Chinese, Malays, Indians, the South Indian Muslim converts". Sweet.

He doesn't state anything outright, but to people with degrees in Big Fat Dangly English Literary Bollocks like myself, sentences like this are very telling: "The second conductor 'negotiated' for us to board the second bus. But the driver of the second bus refused to let us in. He was going back to Bukit Jambil and Bayan Baru. When he smilingly endured the #@&* from second conductor of the first bus, we had to quickly to follow his trails as he made his way amidst the restless crowds back to the first bus."

We can only imagine what this mysterious organ called #@&* might have been.

As always, this is Potshots, your one and only site owner who's been called "full of shite, a dim wit and a muggy scumbag with soppy bollocks" by expert wannabe-British commentators, saying treat yourself to some erotica and take good care of your #@&*. Peace out and golden showers.