Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Aces Go Places

Salutations, my little underlingys, it's been quite a while. I have been occupied, the rain causing 50% of my creative synergy exercise team to slip-slide away on the Federal Highway while the other 50% had to contend with thievery and kindness out of the heart of Puchong. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's because my creativity is back. Scared or not?
Also we have lost half our broadband wireless interconnected unwired ethernet cable capacity National Broadband Plan content creation 3G system, which means no internet. Here is a diary of my situation for the past 15 days, marooned without internet.

Day 1: No internet.
Day 2: No internet.
Day 3-15: No internet.

I've had to resort to making this update from a little cybercafe where I have just pwned all the DoTA regulars with my l337 mighty orcish hero and his bull and those n00bs are now waiting outside with a length of pipe to teach me a lesson. I will simply pwn them all over again with my 2d20+7 Shield of Righteousness and 3d32-2 Sword of Fables, accompanied by my 34dd-26-32 wench.

But before that, I must speak to you of crookedness. It appears that the owner of Malaysia's own Obituary/Theatre Blog, Jeff Ooi, has taken sides with the Once & Former but Not Senior nor Mentor King of Malaysia, Tun Datuk Dr. Encik Saudara M the MahatheatreOperathingy. In his quest to achieve global domination and the painful, shark-related death of Mr. Bond, Dr. M once concocted an idea for a crooked bridge.

Muahahaha, in the midst of M for Mahakuasa's reign.

For those not in the Know, especially those who are on the verge of committing suicide outside its window, at the know-ledge...hehe... ok, where was I..., oh yeah, Tun Dr. M. has for many years been plagued by one of those boils on the backside that refuses to go away, you know the type. Oh, don't try to pretend, I know it's plaguing you with pain at this very moment. This boil is called Singapore.

Ouch, since 1963.

During his long Daulat Tuanku years, Tun Dr. M. for Maharaja (otherwise known as Kubang Pasu) devised plans to loosen Singapore's hold on his buttcheek, one of which was the construction of a bridge between Malaysia and Singapore. Ah, you ask, how could that possibly loosen the Singaporean's hold on anything? Well, this was to be half a bridge, no more and no less. Yes, a curvilinear, curvimagnificent, curviwonderful, curvicurvy bridge that would curve in a curvy arc to join the outdated causeway neatly at the half-way point. In this way, the will of the evil boil would be thwarted! Did they really want a causeway?! A glorified mound of earth heaped into the sea?! They could KEEP it! Malaysia's half-amazing half-bridge would halve their stubbornness down the middle as if cleaved by the razor sharp samurai sword of ironic justice itself!
Yes, it would cost an assload more than a normal bridge, and yes, it would negate much of our chances of getting Singapore to agree to a bridge on their half, since theirs would be similarly overpriced and The Great & Terrible Monster Mentor who leads that nation hates, I say hates, paying extra for anything. But the important thing was that the will of Kubang Pasu would be seen to!

Evil geniuses just get funnier, everyday.

Then something unfortunate happened. A new government came in, and as reported by one of our Little Earthworms in High Places, this conversation took place in Putrajaya between an advisero and the new Optimus Prime Minister, Abdullus Primawi.

Advisero: Good morning, sir.
Kepala Batas: Gooooooood morning! Waoweee I'm feeling f**g*ing cuh-razeee today!!! Oh yeah, baby!!!!
Advisero (emptying half a bottle of Valium into a pot): Then you haven't had your daily tea, sir.
Kepala Batas: Oh ahm a f**g**m**j**ing par-tay animulllll! Oh Yeaow!!! (sips tea and clears throat) Ah. Yes. Sorry about that. (Sits for a while, smiling, blinking, looking generally bovine) So, umm, what do you have for me today?
Advisero: We've got the matter of this scenic bridge project, sir, which is about to commence piling work, and we need to-
Kepala Batas: Um...hang on a minute...let me have a look at those plans. (Scrutinises) We're...um...building this thing?
Advisero: Why certainly, sir.
Kepala Batas: Well, what the f**x* for? Oh, whoops. (Sips tea, pauses again for five minutes, staring into space and smiling) Yes, I was saying. Um. Why lah this bridge?

Keeping our country aman dan damai, for generations to come.

And with that, the news was out: Putrajaya reported to Jalan Riong, who, along with Phileo Damansara, reported to the general public that the planned bridge would be halted in its tracks, as if it were a thing on tracks. It must be noted that no conclusive proof could be assembled by my team of researchers to show that Phileo Damansara did in fact report on this issue, because we all couldn't be bothered to search between the ads, and in any case were waylaid by one ad on page three for really special offers at Metrojaya for the summer. Anyway after Jalan Riong reported it, it was only a matter of time before USJ weighed in on the matter, and this is where I found myself shocked - he was actually coming in in support of Kubang Pasu, someone he had previously expressed much disapproval of but now, in light of Kepala Batas' latest announcements, he was suddenly throwing his physical and metaphorical weight behind.

USJ postulated a post about how Kubang Pasu blazed in with a 16-point hit-back, which contained such gems as: it was clear and recorded in writing that I proposed to build a bridge on the Malaysian side and the Singapore PM accepted it. Thus a unilateral decision became bilateral when Singapore acceded and accepted. Any change must similarly be agreed to by both sides.
This explains, clearly, why back in his day Kubang Pasu decided to build half a bridge instead of a full bridge - he must have had a hell of a deal with the Singaporeans, huh? I mean, because he had a deal that's why the Singaporeans said 'no deal' later, right? But nevermind, we have confirmation that Kubang Pasu is telling the truth - he actually made a deal to build half a bridge, as this transcript from a top-secret Little Moleworm, who was burrowed nearby a meeting between the Singaporean and Malaysian rulers back in the day, shows.

Kubang Pasu: One more thing, Monstermentor.
Monster Mentor: Ya what?
Kubang Pasu: We need to talk about building a bridge to replace that much-overused causeway.
Mister Menstrual: No way lah flen.
Kubang Pasu: Ahaha, if you do not make a deal, I will build half a bridge on my side and join it up with the causeway! It will cost more and be really silly and an eyesore, but I will build it - why? Because I can.
Man's Tormentor: Hahhaha...that's a belly good wan, my flen - go ahead lah, buildbuild.
Kubang Pasu: We have a deal, then? I will build my half a bridge?
Minstral's Mental: HAAAAHahahahaha....yeah sure. Half a blidj. Go ahead lah flen, HAAAHhahahaa you make me laf so lowd, belly funny loh.

You may have been misled by Jalan Riong to think that Kubang Pasu had a deal with the Sensitive Spinster Moh Chiok Tongs but that, like many teenage pregnancies, is just a misconception. Although, once you think about it, the Monster Magnate/Senor Miguel/Promo Mambo government figurehead is one and the same-la. Kind of like another Trinity that people worship with incomprehensible faith and/or fear.

The testimony of an expert, however, has led us to believe that Kubang Pasu had more nefarious plans in mind when he started this whole half-bridge thing. He wanted to rid himself of the boil on his bum by blowing it away!

"Just imagine it," says Littel Birdanathan, Professori of Political Shit & Stuff at the University of Eyesore, India, "Malaysia cannot link the new half-bridge to Singapore's half-causeway without Singapore's permission. Singapore gives not this permission. One morning, preferably Saturday, the bridge will be completed anyway and Malaysia's half of the causeway detonated. Imagine the chaos when all the Singaporean cars coming across the causeway expecting to get into Malaysia end up falling into the straits! And once the Singaporeans in front of the queue start falling in, the ones in the back will think it's cool and start doing it too, to avoid falling out of line with the rest of the crowd! It is no less than an act of war!"

Warrrrrrr, soon.

Even USJ has been supporting this plan for war, as orchestrated by Kubang Pasu. In a post about those tong t-tong tong tongs, he reports on comments by Singaporean Senile Sinister Moh Chiok Tongs, who said: Economic union is possible only between two countries of equals, otherwise it is not possible, thus implying that Malaysia is not Singapore's equal. Infuriated, USJ said Malaysia should have recalled our High Commissioner to get a reality check of our international standing in the eyes of our immediate neighbour! The only reason a nation would recall its High Commissioner would be because there's some serious bombanating in the pipeline! In the fracas nobody bothered to point out to USJ that we know the Singaporeans think they're better than us, but we don't really care. Just like we don't care about the bridge or the water or that rock in the middle of the sea. I mean, it may be bad to have a boil on your butt but can you imagine how horrid it must be to actually be the boil?

Singapore, truly Asia. The burping thing is a Singaporean, after dinner.

With that, we say, Praise the Lord, Amen. Stay away from the Da Vinci Code. Mona Lisa smiles like that because she wants to PWN your ass, n00b.


Anonymous lil ms d said...


9/5/06 17:57  
Blogger mob1900 said...

Viva for the Worms Team and Prof. Birdanathan!

Seriously, your work is highly sellable amongst comedies and masked enemies of High Lord, Jeff ke-pOOi. Mark my commission of 10% for suggesting that!

10/5/06 22:53  
Blogger Matt Jeff said...


Mat Jeff dah sampai!!!!!

11/5/06 01:07  
Blogger Priscilla said...

you can pwn my ass anytime.


12/5/06 12:51  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday!!

13/5/06 22:21  

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