Sunday, May 21, 2006

Lelaki Harijadi Komunis Selamat

Cheers and Salutations, you gorgeous people. How you doiiiing? You feeling goooood? Yeaaaah, it's all hanging good, innit?
After all, what could possibly be wrong during a time when the power of protest can cause a forum on minority rights to be cancelled? Power to the rakyat! Gives new hope to these protestors! Malaysia Boleh! Don't give up!


MALAYSIA BOLEH, May 28!

Ok, ok, so I've been missing even longer than usual. The truth is... I got lazy. But the real reason is that I needed a break. And after all, since May 13 was my birthday, I thought I'd take a short trip away for some fun in the sun in Portugal where I spent some time watching a Malaysian musical in Singapore.
Did that make any sense? No? That's because you're still hungover from my birthday celebrations!


I bet you wished you were there, last fortnight.

So I went to this musical, but was very disappointed to find that it was falsely advertised, and was in fact a documentary. If there's one thing I hate it's a documentary, just as I have grown to hate books, pamphlets and Wikipedia, because these are all things that feed me knowledge, and I have learnt so many times through the example of my mentorsaurus Jeff Ooi, owner of Malaysia's Most Well-Endowed Blog, Screenshots, that the best way to approach a subject is from the perspective of knowing nothing about it at all, and then stating the obvious or the obviously false as if nobody's thought of it before.


The Jeff Ooi approach to roadsign-making is sweeping the globe, now.

After the movie was over, I asked the bevy of Jill Civics who accompanied me what it had all been about, and they explained that it was called Lelaki Komunis Terakhir and was directed by some professional hippie named Amir Muhammad. Anyway, I thought it was a very cool piece of work, despite being a hippie-film, and it let me find out a lot more about some weird country which I don't see much of, since like my idol the Jeffmeister I spend most of my time on free trips all over the world. I wasn't sure how it could be about communists, since I thought it was about pomelos and charcoal, but since I don't know what a communist is I suppose there's a chance it might be a false pomelo used to smuggle charcoal, or a false charcoal used to smuggle pomelos, or a charcoal pomelo used in false smuggling.


It's juicy, it's red, it's Karl Marx, before he died, a poor man, wishing he'd learnt how to set up a hard-hitting social commentary blog like mine.

Then I found out, to my shock and horror, that the film is actually banned in Malaysia! Apparently an incomprehensible idiotbigot named Akmal Abdullah, who works for Berita Harian, discovered that there such a documentary was in the works and decided it must be banned. In fact, one of my Little Earthworms recorded Akmal's reactions when he first found out about the film, which I reproduce here for the good of humanity and broadband content. They collected this quote for me, recorded while Akmal was alone in his office with nobody else around.

"Wat dis? A filem abaut de komunis? How kan? Dis is not respek of awer kantri. De komunis was de very bad ting, bcos dey..um..dey is..um...bad ting! Many of de pipul die! And samor, dis muvi is abaut Chin Peng. You kenot mek a filem abaut Chin Peng in awer ples, bcos he is..um..bad ting! See his name oledi I know - Chin, Chin is stand for China! Peng is stand for Penget! Chin Peng is stand for de China wan tu Penget awer kantri! Thats why, awer kantri is not China! Awer kantri is Indonesia, and Indonesia is for de Indonesian...eh silap plak...
And den rait, dis China pipul all is de komunis, and der wos NEVA any Melayu komunis, understen? Where got? And den rait, the yang pipul will wotch dis muvi and den rait, after dey bkum komunisma means how? Bcos it is quite komon for dis yung friks tu gif up dey McDonal and MTV and Livais to join de Maks! Kal Maks is very bad. Kill pipul.
Wat yu sed? So I mas go and wotch this filem lah, so det I can atek it in mai paper? Yu r korek, sir, eksep no need to wotch lah, gua malas. Haha sometimes I oso am like the China ppl la, very malas...eih salah plak."

I think we can clearly see now why the brilliant high-brow content-based journalist Jeff Ooi has decided to refer to Akmal Abdullah as the ASSistant Entertainment Editor of Berita Harian - the man is truly ASS, hurh hurh hurh Omigod I so funny.


Hurh hurh hurh, the Jeffmeister wants you to know that ASSmal ASSY ASS ASS AbdullASS is actually one of these...


Or perhaps one of these, ever since he was born.

Unfortunately I cannot write more of this ASSmal ASSy ASSologist without resorting to language that would besmirch my beloved blog, so I just have this to say:

AAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
ASSS
ASS COMMUNIST ASS CHIN ASS PENG
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE*
*Sophisticated British accent.

It was only later that I found out, courtesy of one of my Littler Earthworms, that Jeff Ooi has been asked to become the sole agent, publicist, activist, kaya toast maker and unlicensed attorney for The Last Communist. Well, he hasn't actually said it in so many words, but all you have to do is listen to him talk and it all becomes pretty clear that he wishes he was in that position. Plus, I know he has actually said that in so many words, since I got a recording of it from a Little Earthworm who happens to be Some Unfortunate Journalist Who Had To Interview Jeff (SUJWHTIJ).

Jeffmeister: Yes, what you'd heard is true - I have accepted Amir's offer to take up a position as his agent and publicist.
SUJWHTIJ: When did he make this offer?
Jeffmeister: When he made this offer is irrelevant, as irrelevant as the existence of any such offer in the first place. The important thing is that I, Jeff, will soon be leaving my own pungent-smelling mark all over the metaphorical lamp-post of Amir's metaphorical street.
SUJWHTIJ: Have you drafted a strategy of response to the numerous attacks the film has suffered -
Jeffmeister: Of course! I will simply interrupt them with the universal truth that only I am allowed to say anything about this movie. All other views are drivel.
SUJWHTIJ: What about positive reviews, such as the one run in the NST?
Jeffmeister: I spit on them! How dare they say things about it?
SUJWHTIJ: Umm...is that why you rather conveniently avoided mentioning the review on your blog?
Jeffmeister: Of course I disregarded it. I have also disregarded to mention the fact that Amir Muhammad has a column with the NST, not to mention the fact that that's the only reason I support him, because the whole motivation behind my entire online existence has been to get a job with my beloved NST.
SUJWHTIJ: Umm...
Jeffmeister: The poor paper is being mishandled now, as I mentioned recently in a post, how can the NST print articles attacking the ban when in fact the person who started this whole hoo-ha in the first place, the ASSistant EditASS ASSmal ASSdullah ASS ASS ASS, works for Berita Harian, a sister paper of NST?
SUJWHTIJ: But doesn't that suggest that the NST has the freedom to -
Jeffmeister: If I were Brendan of the Prairie, I would have gotten the ASS ASS ASSmal ASS ASS's ass in deep shit, and gotten him fired, and stopped Berita Harian from covering all this nonsense.
SUJWHTIJ: Wouldn't that be a restriction of press freedom, though?
Jeffmeister: Poppycock! Press freedom is only restricted when someone disagrees with me.
SUJWHTIJ: Um...I don't think that's exactly what it -
Jeffmeister: How dare you! You, sir, are a restricter of press freedom! Mark my words, I will have my way with you on my mighty Blog blah blah blah blee blee blee etc. etc.
SUJWHTIJ: *sigh*

And so it appears the plot is thickening, ladies and gentlemen, and will keep thickening until somebody says "Alamak my curry" and pours some water in there. Until then, this has been Potshots, the first with the pungent spicy aroma of 100% truly true truthiness and factility.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Annie Enormous said...

Spicy aroma, asses, earthworms, the prairie. You got to be the monty python of malaysian bloggers.

27/5/06 22:03  
Blogger eyeris said...

now let's see something on the elektrik and the 21-year-old. hehe

29/5/06 11:09  

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