Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Deeper Valley, Hairy Raya and Other Stupid Jokes

Stupid jokes, the very core of all humanity.
It is in such a spirit that I come to you now in this season of festivities - in my humble humanity, instead of my raging masculinity, a masculinity that rages with all the power of five-day-old dog markings.
In order not to offend my Muslim brothers, I shall not wish any of those heathen Hindus anything but 'hope you had a nice Saturday' and to all my tired, hungry, foul-breathed inheritors of heaven and many virgin hos, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin, whoever these Zahir and Batin people are.


Golly, asking for forgiveness sure looks like a whole lotta fun, every year.

First let me explain that my sudden burst of activity has not been prompted by any illegal substance, but instead, by that much-loved Malaysian habit of curi ayam. Yes, just like many of you other lazy turds, I have skipped off from work this fateful Monday.
What did you guys spend your time doing? Eating ketupat? Dying on the road? Downloading pr0n? Whatever it is, rest assured that none of you cabut kerja to such great effect as Daft Oi himself.


Selamat Hari Raya, during balik kampung.

What I did was surf, ever so innocently to the Master of Ceremonial Self-Killings, Jeff Seppukooi. I then found this smorgasbord of buttons going down the side of his blog, like how all those adult singles sites keep informing you of so many Russian-looking girls who reside in Ampang or Petaling Jaya. What? I heard from a friend.


Jeff Ooi could use some of this, since he's keeping it real, alwiz.

One of them was called Screenshots Pantun. What? Could this be for real? Could it possibly be? The man with the most overactive imagination in the world was finally putting it to use in the arts!
Wow! So let's see what sort of gems he's come up with? The answer? None. It's actually all other people's shit. Haha, should've known. The old Geezer couldn't rhyme to save his life. I mean, this is a guy who thought Whatzzup! was a catchy name.

In fact, he's even come up with simple DIY tips. So generous of our good 'ol Jeff.

The common ones have the most basic form of even-numbered lines based on an a-b-a-b rhyming scheme. As a rule of thumb, a 'perfect' pantun that does not deviate from the rhythm will have between 8 and 12 syllables in every line. For example:

Buah cempedak di luar pagar,
Ambil galah tolong jolokkan;
Saya budak baru belajar,
Kalau salah tolong tunjukkan.


Wow. An example of a perfect pantun, as proclaimed by Baba Ah Ooi himself.
But the big as a turd from an elephant on laxatives issue is that all this time I have been wondering, why the hell is the Mighty One spending time on other people's poems?


After jolokking the cempedak, juice it for a nice, refreshing drink, on a hot afternoon.

As always, I spent some time trying to figure out ol' Jeff.
Five seconds later, I had it. It was yet another piece of self-promotion! Haha, should've known, silly me. Ooi has been known to use anything to further his own agenda, so why not the age-old tradition of pantun? Now, all you have to do is send the pantun that most describes his plan to rule the world, and you'll win a new phone, courtesy of LG, the company that helps feed Ooi's bastard children everyday.
Be careful, each SMS will cost you RM1. So, all readers of Screenshots, please ask your parents' permission first before SMSing and get them to help you with the spelling and make it a family activity during this festive season!
But please send an SMS, each SMS will go to paying for Ooi's plastic surgery, from which he hopes to come out with a face as beautiful as those phones he keeps raving about. Your SMS alone might not change a single pimple on his face, but together, we can make Michael Jackson look like a soap-and-water minimalist.


You can help this man lead a normal life. SMS today.

How about also dropping an email to us, telling us if you'd prefer the newlook Jeff to be pink, white or classic black. No, no, I mean his face.

So, in the spirit of Hari Raya, I too have sent in a pantun to help Jeff. It goes something like this,

Orang gila makan chapati,
Chapati dimakan orang gila,
Jeff Ooi memang hodoh macam babi,
SMSlah supaya Tuan akan jelita.

3 Comments:

Anonymous big cunt said...

Satu dua tiga empat,
Lima enam tujuh lapan;
Kalau muka macam pant*t,
Ambil guni tolong sorokkan.

26/10/06 16:30  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can u remove the self-proclaimed pioneering internet blogger master genius pic from this blog.. Looks sickening and I am losing my lunch, dinner, breakfast and lunch and dinner and all the chapatis...

30/10/06 09:52  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

Potshots regrets any discomfort caused to the public from its content. However, as an agent of contemporary and multidimensional news, it refuses to censor itself and hopes its readership will bear some graphically disturbing content.
Potshots is hopeful that its policies will in the long run, leave a positive impact on all mankind.

30/10/06 10:30  

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