Friday, December 29, 2006

Quick Quake in Nonexistent Nation Causes Communication Chaos **UPDATE**

Run! Put your satchel on your head! It is an earthquake! Assume the position! These and other things were recorded by my Little Earthworm Correspondents from Taiwan, who lived through the recent earthquake that stroked the island - thankfully they were underground through the whole thing and escaped the attentions of that grumpy sky-god that causes earthquakes.


Putting your satchel on your head will protect you from many small objects, such as raindrops, which might fall on you, during any earthquake.

Although I myself am still struggling with the concept of an earthquake happening in a country that doesn't exist, my Little Earthworm was quick to tell me to cease with the pro-China propaganda and concentrate on the real issue - as a result of the quake, many of the magical elvish Tubes that make up the Internet (YouTube, MicrosoftUbe etc.) were damaged, resulting in an unprecedented Internet Breakdown the likes of which has never been seen since the last time Streamyx went all fucked-up sideways, i.e. yesterday.


Authorities are on the hunt for the Disembodied Hand of God, that caused this quake and all others, across history.

Thankfully due to the fact that my world-renowned website runs on bio-ethanol and is equipped with gyroscopes, Potshots escaped the problems and remained UP for the duration of the rest of the losers' problems. However there was an outage for various sites, including that of Ketua Semua Kutu Jeff Ooi, whose blog Screenshots exploded in a ball of flames and had to be reconstructed with sellotape, used paper napkins and shredded copies of the New Straits Times. Thankfully my Earthworms report that Screenshots is now as good as it was before the quake struck.


What with that giant bulls-eye painted over it and all, it's no surprise that the Disembodied Hand of God loves poking Taiwan, all the time.

Jeff has also noted the contribution of my Premier Content Partner Google in diverting traffic and unblocking tubes to keep the Asian Internet moving along. In a very timely warning at the end of his post, he stated that
"Geeks at LowYat.net also offer some very good solutions to mitigate the Internet snarl. Just that bandwidth is scarce commodity at the moment, hopefully none will abuse the proxy servers to play Internet games."

This I wholeheartedly agree with!!! How dare this sort of geek/nerd/punk/goth person abuse the precious, precious Bandwidth Jelly to fuel his debauched lust for defeating +15Z Barbarians and conquering +36D Tavern Wenches?


Abuse, I tell you! This is abuse! And abuse it will stay, forever!

Of course, it would be an entirely different matter if this offending geek utilised the precious bandwidth to make hopelessy obtuse and self-referential posts filled with the worst metaphors since the time that guy said the Internet was a bunch of tubes. It would also be fine if he used the bandwidth to give needless and witless props to his homies, who continue to like him due to the fact that he is inexplicably more popular than they, despite their superior talent, a state of affairs which may have created an attention-seeking complex in the poor buggers. Similarly, it would be a justifiable, even laudable, use of bandwidth to shamelessly lick the balls of his sponsors by concocting posts about stupid contests that they see fit to organise, ignoring the blatant lack of relevance or newsworthiness or even interest value of the plug that he's making, thus proving to all and sundry that he is in fact a whore, always available to the highest bidder, political master or any well-wisher who may come bearing gifts of mobile phones and/or free trips. All those things would be fine utilisations, and not an abuse of bandwidth at all.

So quit sitting there minding your own business, being entertained by your electronic game nonsenses, get up and start changing the world by becoming a corrupt political dogsbody today - it's what the Internet Tubes were designed for.

EDIT! LATE UPDATE!

Yes, this is a late edit because you can't have your cake and edit - and so only after all the New Year calorie-bration (which is either a celebration with a lot of calories or a calibration with a lot of calories. Some might say it's the same thing, if you're Kate Moss) can I update you with this new bout of Moronicity (which is 50 miles due Stupid of Idiocity) from the Star - although they never really tell us which one they are, so they should really be called, a Star.


Kate Moss, not afraid to show off her body since there's not much of it anyway, ever since she substituted carbs with another white starchy thing called coke.

After the quake hit, A Star was all abuzz with panic and widespread fumbleedegooks over being cut off from the rest of the world, despite still being on the same damn round thing called Earth.


Yellow lines denote how we're being fenced in by our lack of logic, when the Internet goes down.

Their panic was so unchecked that someone managed to sneak in a story about the woe and plight of bloggers. Witness, the notoriously named (but not for much else), KinkyBlueFairy who "said she only managed to upload a few sentences onto her blog," which must've been the only good news to come out of this Divine Punishment on the human race. In fact, this news is of such a grand scale that we'd really consider it Divine Reward instead now. Holy Father, how could we ever have doubted your ways?

"It is really getting to me because I have all my information and contacts online and I cannot get my work done,” said Wong, who is known as KinkyBlueFairy online.


she continued to babble to a reporter who obviously wasn't doing her job properly. The real story is someone who calls herself KinkyBlueFairy online and has all her info and contacts online. Now, what does that sound like to you?


Well, just use your damn imagination, for once.

But let us spare a moment of silence for the irrevocable pain and suffering caused to student Adrian Teh, 22, who blogs and reads his friends' posts regularly, said he felt hopeless. Noor Faridah Zulkiflie was planning to revert to paper and pen since she was unable to post her blogs online.
"I feel wretched now because I have lots of pent-up feelings but unfortunately cannot write about them," said the 22-year-old student.


Hopeless, wretched, having to use paper and pen. These are the misadventures, of the Blogtropica.


ARGH! In the Blogtropica, recently.

But speaking of not doing his/her job, A Star's Penang correspondent must be awarded 2006's Most Hopeless Piece of Reportage Eva award. In this piece of wtf journalism, s/he wrote,

Tourist David Persson, 20, managed to upload his travel pictures but it took him more than an hour to do the normally 10-minute job.
"I read online that there was an earthquake in Taiwan which damaged undersea cables," said the Swede who together with his friend Philip Stahl, also 20, is on a six-month trip across China and South-East Asia.


Wow, what an amazing and unremovable quote. Thanks to some smelly Mat Salleh tourist, we can now confirm this news to you. AN EARTHQUAKE IN TAIWAN DAMAGED UNDERSEA CABLES. It doesn't matter if authorities from the Intergalactic High Commission of Cabled Communication made a statement. Nothing is fact, until some Swedish backpackers tell us it is so.


Thus sayeth the Swede Tourist, in the omnipresent eternity.

2 Comments:

Blogger tigerjoe said...

I think it's sad that the internet is being taken over by wannabe politicians and attention whores with paypal donation jars; when it was originally invented for porn.

29/12/06 13:11  
Blogger mob1900 said...

Happy New Year to Potshots and his earth worms!

31/12/06 17:43  

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