Saturday, December 09, 2006

Wish for something to suck on ends in formation of new religion

Dear readers, my fellow humans and worms,

We live in times of great incertainty, and perhaps even outcertainty. It is a world where a wish for braces actually causes a motorcycle accident to happen, as evidenced by this headline in the Noobs Traits Times. Clearly the motorcycle accident would not have happened if the purpose of the journey had been, say, to buy some porno VCDs or to rob a jewellers' or something less innocent and sweet and touching than going out for braces. Obviously the braces caused the accident. Beware, all ye who seek straight teeth, for a horrible crashy death awaits thee!


Wish for attention ends in awful tragedy, some weeks past.

It is precisely in such a faithless world that we need, well, a new faith, to shine in the dark vacuum left by other faiths and also to fill it with a sort of whooshy noise that will herald the end of the vacuum which arrived way back when, with a sort of sucky noise, when everything got sucked out to leave empty space. Who better to think up such a religion than the Blog-God himself, Jeff Ooidelolly? Jeff has for a while been occupied by the mystery of why people who want a smoke will buy cigarettes rather than newspapers. Well, Jeff, having tried it out myself, I can - I mean sorry, having heard about it from one of my Little Earthworms I can attest to the fact that it's all really quite simple. You see, the state of 'high' provided by smoking newsprint is definitely present, but it's totally not mellow man, and leaves you just in a state of totally gnarly paranoia. It's all that ink and gunk, dude. Not to mention the foreign news pages. Trippy. Not cool. Hence one is much better off smoking cigarettes, which everyone knows are legal because they just give you cancer straight up, without any kind of pesky highs or lows. No, just pure cancer, the way Ibu Alam Semulajadi intended it. I'd like to announce, to Jeff and anyone else who might be wondering, that that's why Malaysian smokers buy more cigarettes than newspapers. They just don't want to smoke newspapers.

Kids, by the way, do not try any of that at home, because that Little Earthworm I was just telling you about, he's got awful breath and his clothes reek, they smell just like that segment of hell that's reserved for tobacco company execs. Trippy. Not cool.


Aviator pigs, they don't like to get high / Except if and unless they get high in the sky / Otherwise they just want to get cancer and die, eventually.

Not having the access to smelly little earthworms that I have, Jeff needed to look elsewhere for his answer, and where did he turn but to God? As indicated by a sentence from this post it's clear that Jeff believes that God is in fact Prof. Dr. Abdul Rashid Moten. Jeff has founded a new religion called Motenism (not to be confused with Modernism, which involved lots of intelligence and talent, two things that Motenists wholeheartedly attempt to eradicate from their lives, following the example of Chief Poobah Grand Motenist Jeff Ooi, the only man ever to have been born with neither intelligence nor talent). Motenism, my Earthworms tell me, revolves around the practise of gathering to listen to God, who recites tired old jokes that everyone has heard before, in front of a congregation of idiots who actually haven't, and then uses the power of their mighty pretensions towards wit to try and compromise the structural integrity of the place of worship. As Jeff puts it, Talking of God, Prof Dr Abdul Rashid Moten (IIUM) shared an anecdote that almost brought down the roof as he was closing his session at the Aidcom Conference yesterday.


It's usually quite easy to tell when the Motenists have been by, recently.

It appears that, having been touched by his new faith, Jeff now wants to convert all bloggers to it. I say yes, why not! Let us all blog as Motenist brothers! Having been all fired up by our new, ultra-moten religion, we must now all join Jeff in the call to power that he voices in this post, where he repudiates some alleged 'journalist' for arrogantly suggesting that just because the most popular political blogger in Malaysia is a total nitwit, the people's love affair with blogging is a mere 'fascination'. And I quote:
There was one editor from the mainstream media who, on one hand, said change taking place on the online platform must be fostered, but one the other was exasperated by the present crowd that is "too fascinated with blogging" -- as if blogging will soon die a passing fad.
His kind will be rudely shocked. More power from Malaysians is being harnessed to power the blogosphere here, with punch and finesse.

Yeah man, Jeff!!!! Alright-tuh!!!! LET'SA FIGHTING!!! Protect my balls!!! Punch AND finesse!!!! You tell 'em, Jefffoboy!!! If Jeff's punch don't get you, his finesse certainly will, because you'll spend so much time hunting for any traces of it that he'll be able to sneak up to you and punch you again before you find any. No way you'll find it before he manages to sneak up to you, since mathematically speaking any search for something that's not in existence will theoretically go on forever, according to My Momma's law of Why Do You Waste Your Time Reading That Garbage. Similar effects have been noted in people who read this site seeking things that are humourous, for example.


Oh Lawd, you got served, just now.

So Jeff, know that we are behind you as committed Motenists. We will carry the process of Motenisation through to the pre-Moten people and spread the blessings of Motenity far and wide. And one day, when we have done our work, I - Daft Oi, your beloved - will step up to the plate and present a whole new paradigm, as the world's first Postmotenist.

4 Comments:

Blogger tigerjoe said...

To steal entire lines from The Mummy:

Imhotep...
Im-Moten...
Eee-Moten...
Eww Moten...

11/12/06 12:16  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This fascination with the motenist adventure and so-called rebuttal by the neo and post-motenist schools, will in my mind lead to a wholesale feeling of despair with the wole philosophical project. (I like others from the post-post motenist school are happy to use broad sweeping statements, as reasoned justifications of said statements requires too much thinking)

Perhaps it is time we embrace the post-post motenist philosophy which seeks to elavate the position of socio-poltical blogs from farce to that of high comedy.

zachahaha REB

12/12/06 09:27  
Anonymous scrammysauras said...

i just realised that jeff ooi looks disturbingly similar to william hung... maybe you should do a study to see if william's actual surname is ooi, or if jeff should change is url to jeffhung.com

18/12/06 12:09  
Blogger Daft Oi said...

the wide range of comments on this post has led me to believe that my readers are weirdos.

i could not ask for any better inspiration.

19/12/06 19:52  

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