Saturday, June 16, 2007

Haram Scam: Haram Agenda, Anti-Haram & short-code HARAM

Oh, what a wonderful country we live in. Other countries may boast to be the most democratic, the mostest democratictoc, the mostesting democracyphilis, but we know, in our Greatly Unoriginal Joke, otherwise known as Bolehland, and sometimes whose difference is unknown from that of Syariahland or Corruptionland or Floodland or any other kinds of land that someone who is obviously unfunny coined up, that indeed, we are the ones who are the most open to free speech.
And breathe.
Because from the past, we know that free speech means the ability to say anything we want, no matter how stupid, ignorant, annoying and downright outrageous they may be. Just take a gander, or a goose, just as not to be sexist, at the sort of one-sided, single-sourced, and sometimes totally unjustified journalism that comes from such widely-regarded intellacktuals (lolol, I kill me) as Jeff a/l Ooi and Ahirudin a/Singapura Attan.

Free speech is hot!

So we know that we in fact, are the country most open to criticism of any sort, and we allow anyone to make any sort of comment about the way we dress, the food we eat and our choices of religion. Lately, we've been exhibiting this freedom in a new trend, which is to shout loudly,


Yes, the moment you say something is "HARAM!", you immediately have a chance of being listened to and quoted in the media.

It also helps if you haven't shaved, in years.

Most recently, it was a bout of unshaven men accusing a shaven woman of "HARAM!" It appears that since women already have less hair on their bodies, shaving off their hair must be "HARAM!" as it defies the natural order of Allah's creation. These women, who are already innately evil and sinful due to their lack of hair, should not make themselves have even less hair. In fact, they should not shave their armpits or cunts or knees.
Thanks to free speech, we now have this valuable oyster of wisdom, one that has been slaughtered secara halal.

Alamak, after a trip to the barber.

Perak Mufti Datuk Seri Harussani Idris said of this situation,

"As Muslims, we should not sacrifice our religion for the sake of wanting to be popular. I have been observing that nowadays, our artistes are becoming too open and daring, either in their actions or attire."

Yes, as Muslims, we should be closed and cowardly, not open and daring. That way Muslims can become even more unpopular, which has been our goal ever since we started suicide bombing just to piss people off.

The world's most popular suicide bomber, your oxymoron for, today.

And then there's the case of bartending being "HARAM!" as well, as declared from some sober men. Yes, alcohol, which is innately evil, must not only be refused as a beverage by Muslims, but also, Muslims must refuse to serve it, mix it, stir it, shake it, or put little umbrellas in it.

So "HARAM!" that it must burn in hell, for all eternity.

Selangor Mufti Datuk Mohd Tamyis Abdul Majid even went so far as to say that Muslims should lodge reports with the religious authorities on the involvement of Muslims in any alcohol-related activities or else, they would be deemed as equally shouldering the sin.
However, said mufti said nothing of taking action against said bartenders who participated in said competition even though it was reported in several national dailies. Maybe he wants to help others to shoulder some sin. I heard it's good for toning the back muscles.

He's going straight to hell, right after another 10 reps of sin-shouldering.

Non-Muslims, he aded, could also play a role by not allowing Muslims to partake in activities forbidden by Islam.
Yes, even non-Muslims must help to spot and put in check "HARAM!" activities even if it's got nothing to do with their religion and in fact, they would prefer if Muslims served alcohol, worked in commercial banks, sold 4D, worked for Genting, etc. They must not allow Muslims to do these things, at any cost. We must stop them by performing citizen's Syariah arrest.
A representative from JAIS revealed that they are already setting up a Syariah arrest kit which has a songkok, stick-on beard and a "HARAM!" guidebook for non-Muslims to do their part to help protect and promote free speech!

You too, can be part of the long arm of the Syariah law, call 1-800-SYARIAH, now.

Of course, in recent times, even things like wayang kulit has been declared "HARAM!". Or wishing your non-Muslim friends on days of their own religious festivities, whether it be Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Kunnimony or Wookie love Ewok Day.
Even ridiculous things like pork has been declared "HARAM!". Can you believe it? Even less credibly, Mufti Jeffar bin Husseinooi has tried to declare anti-jeffooiism "HARAM!"

Pork Satay, sadly, "HARAM!" in Malaysia since satay became a religious symbol.

Which is all very strange since, when you think about it, the root word of "HARAM!" is 'haram', which is actually used to denote something that is sacred, the total opposite of the context used when it is being shouted out loud by someone who's waiting to stone someone to death.
Furthermore, which is much further than furtherless, which is when a bunny rabbit is born a bastard, the etymological roots of 'haram' are tied to 'harem', which we all know, in Islam, is perfectly legitimate and halal.

Kahwin lebih daripada empat, adalah perbuatan yang harem.

So, in a sense, Sharifah Amani's hair is a holy relic, and so are some of Mohd Adzhar Ahmad's cocktails. They're like the Islamic Holy Grail. Therefore, Potshots is sponsoring a team that must go and find the locks of Amani's once lustrous and lust-arousing hair.

We shall call them, the Raiders of The Lost Botak. Many perils await those that seek out the Holy Hair of Amani - looking through garbage, swimming through sewers, negotiating with natives or commonly known as bribing the authorities and also, weird perverts.

Unlike Indiana Jones, the only balls that will be rolling in Malaysia are those who dare to go against the rule of "HARAM!", unless it's in Perlis, where a mufti with some semblance of lucidity presides, for now.

Meanwhile, Maxis has refused to comment on when they'll finally give Jeff Ooi a contract so that he'll finally shut up about SMSes and resume normal service of plugging LG products and singlehandedly destroying the mainstream media.


Blogger mandelism said...

hahaha..havne't read anything serious-issue made fun of like this for some time :)

nice one dude!

22/6/07 16:50  
Blogger Chai.Cough.Ski. said...

I agree.
You've helped me with my uneventful Friday night.

But the picture of the Sambucca shots didnt help much.


30/6/07 02:37  
Blogger Sharina said...

lol this is awesome! I laughed so much!

17/7/07 21:08  
Blogger Eat Halal said...

halal and haram issues are not jokes...

Eat halal

30/3/08 01:11  

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