Saturday, September 15, 2007

Daft For Malaysia, Because He Doesn't Use Dumb Abbreviations

It's the most wonderful time, that only comes once in several years. The campaigning, the balloting, the polls, the fights, the glory, the tears, the endless hours of sitting in front of the TV, the corruption, the cheating.
It's the Euro 2008! And as many of us post-colonial Anglophiliacs will know, England have strolled to five exact 3-0 wins, courtesy of several goals by the insurance company's nightmare, Michael Owen.
Incidentally, the government looks set to be calling for elections soon too. As it guarantees what can only be described as a fair fight - due to the fact that they will lock me up under the Internal Stupid Act if I describe it otherwise - many hopefuls are throwing their hats into the ring. Who knows at this point, what sort of ring it'll be. But be it a circus ring, an engagement ring, or the much feared Nurburgring, we're in for some dazzling entertainment.


Whether our next elections can match the thrills and spills of one of the most feared racetracks around is anyone's guess, but what we know for sure, is that Michael Owen will get injured again, just like before.


For the likes of the one, the only, the man who does not wear hats and therefore cannot throw it into any sort of ring but should certainly be wearing some sort of mask, Jeff 4 Malaysia, is putting his name up to be crossed out by willing citizens - by an axis of friends, families and really bored people who actually layan his V for Vendetta schpeel earlier this year.


See here for more on Jeff for Jendetta posted, 19 months ago.


Having recognised how tenuous this link was but not realising the alliteration behind it, Jeff has decided to now be Jeff 4 Malaysia, because Malaysia is just a Jalaysia with an M, jisn't jit?
Fancy wordplay aside of salad, it has become obvious that there is a need to represent Malaysia's most wronged against race. The magical, fairielike - notice the spelling fairie, as to denote mythical folk of incredible power, not fairy, which is either kinky or blue and maxes out her daddy's credit card, or some gaylord - race of bloggers.


A fairy, another fairy and something that claims to be a fire angel, some time ago when they were MFEO. *sob*


But because we're so powerful and magical - see previous post for further literature on this - we needed someone who could be trusted to be humble and wise about this. So we turned to Kenny Sia, a man so funny (but also gay like the other sort of fairy) that he is easily the funniest man alive in his room, if not his house.
And Kenny Sia, after wiping the saliva off his face and getting his tongue out of his throat, said, "I think Jeff Ooi-la." Granted, it took us all awhile to realise that the unlikely miracle of Kenny actually being funny did not just happen, and that he was being serious.


The brainchild of Kenny Sia. Do you really need a funny caption, now?


But think about it - isn't Mahatma Jeffdhi always preaching the virtues of humility? Like when he humbly boasted that "Screenshots has dished out a total of 50.58 gigabytes of data over the last four days." Or when he made himself look stupid by pretending that an IT specialist like him didn't know that when his traffic monitor kept ringing up US Military, it didn't actually mean someone in the military, but someone surfing from a military zone - be it family quarters, universities, grocery store, porn shop... you know... Jeff, always so humble, he is even humble on our behalf and says things to make other people in the blogoparallelogram look stupid. Thank you Jeff, for reminding us that the average Malaysian internet user does not know their own first three Prime Ministers.


Lu siapa?


But just as I, myself, a humble blogger, was ready to go all out in support of our new Blognese candidate, we suddenly stumbled upon revelations that things were not quite as they seemed. There was more than meets the eye. Ada udang di sebalik batu. Looks like sugar, minus the calories.
We spotted, whilst doing our scheduled random regular off-and-on screening of Screenshots that even whilst telling you what you can or can't say, Jeffrey Bradburooi still claims to be humble and only human and that it's "humanly impossible to keep track of each and every reader's comment in this blog" but yet he finds plenty of time to snipe and ridicule many commentors on his own blog. Therefore we can deduce, that he, in fact, is not human, as was first "post"-ulated (hehehe, ahem) here on Potshots itself. He is, in fact, a ROBOT, bot, bot, bot...


Another robot, of a malevolent and sinister character, instead of being just being humble and stupid, trapped in timeless stasis.


What is even more troubling, for it is not quite so troubling that he is a mere pawn of an Iranian madman dictator, is that, he could quite possibly be an Australian spy! Yes, Agen Australia! Our evidence, comes, untampered, from the highest authority known to mankind yet - Facebook.


Evidence, as damning as the fact that Brendan Pereira resigned after being accused of plagiarism, a year ago.


We know how dangerous this can be. Being an Agen of a nation of criminals and kangaroos. What terror might befall Malaysia if Jeff were to become Prime Minister one day? Why are you laughing?
Ignoring your uncalled for laughter - no, seriously, please stop - we realise that some of you naysayers and doubters who cannot be convinced even if God himself came down and wrote on the wall, due to your unfailing love for the Man From Whom All Free Speech Flows, then at least see how Jeffbot has condemned himself.
Because while this may all seem like light and mirrors and shadowplay, we must realise that we live in a time where rumours count for everything and news count for nothing. Rumours, rumours, I tell you, are the real truth. Behold this sight, and also your balls in case, as it is revealed on Screenshots itself, that rumours hold the ultimate key to the locks on the chains on the treasure chest aboard the Flying Dutchman.


The truth, lies in those tentacles, and will only reach the shores, once every 10 years.


We found out that Jeff might run for DAP thanks to the rumourmill, which turns rumours from tough and indigestible shells into tasty cereal that's good for your bowels. He pah-pah-ed away rumours that he might be a demon - secure that he would pass any lie detector test since he is in fact, a robot - but we all mistook it to mean that the rumours that he was going to run for DAP were untrue. As it turns out, and as we all know, thanks to some free food at Food Foundry, he is in fact, the Democratic Action Party's new election candidate.


Due to government propaganda, it is a little known fact that Karpal Singh was the first Malaysian in space, in 1964.


So, what do we know now? Here, are the facts, as confirmed by rumours. 1. Jeff is running under DAP for the next elections. 2. He is a robot. 3. John Travolta is gay.
Putting all these facts together, we can only surmise that since he is a robot, somebody must have created him, like the Six Million Dollar Man, except it probably didn't cost anything and he was put together from the besi buruk factory.


We can make him better than he was. Better... stronger... faster, just by feeding him leftovers, from yesterday.


Therefore, Jeff must certainly only be a puppet. And who is his puppet master? Is he the tool of some Australian Koala Bears as we supposed earlier? Here at Potshots, we think that is merely a smokescreen, a smokescreen so devious it has even Facebook fooled!
Well, just as the Umnoputera have their puppets and mouthpieces, surely the Bloggerputera also have their own puppet. This, is bad news for common bloggers like us, for we are not part of this nobility. We have no noble blood in us, which allows us to have '"powerful English".
For example, this man named Zorro, who gives us such bombastic sentences like in a recent post, "Like anywhere else in peaceful Semanjung Malaysia a thick envelope under the brown folder or a big loss at the golf links to a head of department can sort of kick-start the acceleration of the approval process." Wow, such incredible gasp of the language, entire teams of linguistic experts at Potshots have been working on that sentence for several weeks now but without getting any closer to understanding it.
Apparently, it is because "REALLY, DO WE HAVE THESE BREED OF PARENTS TODAY." Hence, our lack of noble blood that allows us to comprehend such incredible language.
If we refer back to Jeff's piece on retiree bloggers, we will notice that both have been identified as former government servants. Now if Kelly Molars and Brendan of the Prairie used to work for Singapore Straits Times and are Agen Singapura, then surely, these two are Agen Kerajaan and JEFF IS BUT A MERE ROBOT IN THE HANDS OF THE GOVERNMENT.


A civil servant, at teatime, anytime.


My fellow and fei-loh bloggers, we cannot let this be. This is yet another deception from the government! We must rise up and claim our proepr place to be anti-government at all times and truly have our own representation at the next election.
And so it is that I looked around and found, no more humble servant than myself, and so I have also decided that Daft Oi, anak Kampung Kuala Blog Tengah, will run for the next elections under a new party.
A party that seeks to liberate, to bring that free-spiritedness, that joy, that sense of comraderie. Yes, a Party with lots of booze and kicking DJs and rooms to make out in.
The Daft "All-Nighter" Punk Party, featuring hits like "Around the World" and "One More Time", will be running 24/7/365 until we find our way into parliament! Henceforth, whenever you see this logo, know that somewhere near you, there are bloggers who are partying on and will be voting for the common blogger, who drinks Tiger and not Bollinger, eats ikan bakar, not caviar.



ps: If you haven't already guessed, preparations for my political campaign was why this post is so late. However, there will not be a special Daft For Malaysia webpage, because unlike your average politician, my values are reflected here in my blog and I do not need to hide behind a different persona just to run for office. I do not need to give you THREE BLOG POSTS OF PROPAGANDA. What you see, is what you get. What you get is me. So see me in my office. Yes. Ok.

2 Comments:

Blogger tigerjoe said...

I would like to expand on the facts that you have established, quote:

So, what do we know now? Here, are the facts, as confirmed by rumours. 1. Jeff is running under DAP for the next elections. 2. He is a robot. 3. John Travolta is gay.

Add to that the fact that I have seen the feller declare his network as San Francisco CA on Facebook, and there is only one conclusion:

JO is banking on the gay vote to win the next elections. Or at least not lose his deposit.

LOL

19/10/07 04:34  
Blogger vincent said...

Please run in my kampung. I promise to vote for you.

26/10/07 20:26  

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