Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Jeff, Why Can't You Let Me Work My Magic In Peace?!

Sometimes, working for Jeff can be a very difficult thing, my dear dumplings. Just today I woke up and in passing I just so happened to look up Jeff's special Parliament blog, and what did I find there but an absolute strategic catastrophe. And this happened over two weeks ago! I can't believe I didn't notice it earlier. Basically, my man Jeff 'By The Power Of Grayskull' Ooi has revealed to the world what our secret weapons are - SMS campaigns and the Internet. What am I going to do now? We were relying on the fact that the Internet and SMS services are our little secrets, but now the whole world knows about them! Jeff just went and gave it all away! Needless to say, I gave him a stern talking-to today. "I can't run this campaign for you, Jeff, if you don't run everything you say by me before you say it. Now everybody knows about the Internet! Go, go away and leave me be, I must re-strategise."

Jeff Ooi, after I'd given him a piece of my mind.

That said, I was very pleased with some of the other things Jeff said in the article. For example, he mentioned that his contribution to the DAP campaign was "a five-figure sum". This is a trick I personally taught him, drawn from my deep knowledge of mathematics. You see, nowhere in Newton's or Cantor's laws does it say that the digits behind a decimal point must be left out when determining the number of figures in a sum. So, for example, rather than tell someone I donated RM5.25, I can tell them I donated a 'three-figure sum'. Furthermore, you are technically allowed to add as many zeroes as you wish behind a decimal point, so I can keep doing this forever, depending on how impressive I wish to be; for example, I could call my donation RM5.250000 instead, which would be a 'seven-figure sum'. I often do this when chatting up women at bars. Seven figures is about right, any more than that and it's too big and intimidating for them.

Is that a seven-figure sum I see in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, right now?

Also, I noticed that Jeff did exactly as I taught him, in putting up a small and barely readable scan of the article on his blog, even though there's a perfectly legible online version available. The reason for this is that, as bloggers, Jeff and I both know that nobody takes text on the Internet seriously. We bloggers are sort of jokes, really, with about as much credibility as Najib Tun Razak, Scientology or Wikipedia. Instead, stuff has to be printed before people can take it seriously. So when people look at the online version of an article about Jeff, they will think, "Cheh, like don't know what only. We weren't fooled by Wikipedia, how can we ever be fooled by this?"; but if they see a scanned image of that same article, they will think "Wah, this man has been featured in a printed publication! I will now vote for him." It doesn't even matter what Jeff says in the article, which is why I told him to make sure it's blurred. In fact, it's better blurred, because most of the time when Jeff says things they're so stupid that the skulls of the people who hear them just explode. And that's not good, because people with exploded skulls can't vote.

Jeff wuz ere, recently.

So, despite Jeff's numerous fumbles and stumbles, I soldier on. We will not give up. Only three days to go now. Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.


Blogger Mydeen Aboo Backer said...

Perhaps you should get Jeff to do the magic, ala Mondo Magic on the streets. He can show the awed public how he makes grammar practically disappear from the English language as well as pulling a pseudo accent from nothingness.

The diaspora will be entertained, and he could pass the hat around, rabbit irrespective.

5/3/08 19:29  
Blogger Alvin Ooi said...

this is the first time i comment.

This is such a huge relief from all the angry blogs out there.

keep it up!

9/3/08 10:27  

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