Monday, May 19, 2008

YB Ooi and the World of Tomorrow

WE IS IN PARLIAMENT! It's teh awesome ballz! w00t! Pakatan Rakyat are 1337 h4xxorzzzzzz!!!!111!!!!11111
Even if we were busy celebrating our new social uprising with lots of champagne and forgot to submit our questions (luckily I had already reminded Jeff "The Man, The Myth, The YB" Ooi via SMS to submit his questions before spending the night asking a different sort of oral question, hurh, hurh), my great cohort and cahooter, Tony Pua still managed to spin it in such a way as to make Pakatan look like it was protesting something or other. Meaning the 15 BN MPs who also didn't submit questions are basically crossing over to our side. Hurrah for bipartisan politics!

Tian Chua, we forgive you. Obviously with that haircut, it's not easy for you to get lucky. Forget about the questions, just help us keep the seats warm in parliament, these few weeks.

Bipartisanity or bipartinsanity - depending if you're British or American - is just one of the changes that has happened since YB Ooi, the Man of Steel, has taken up residence in the anals of power of this country. Yes, anals, you read it right, because as we all know, with so much bullshit flying around, it's only by getting to the arse of the matter that we can make changes in this country that has just been reborn and reloaded and now needs a makeover from some gay flers who have queer eyes.
Remember, Jeff is Chief of Staff. One of the staff, is Datuk Lee Kah Choon, formerly of Gerakan, whose lack of bowel movement after March 8 has started this whole biparti(n)sanity.

The power in the anals have gone from limp to rigid, since Jeff was erected... uhh, elected.

But since The Dark Knight Sir Jeff has ridden into Parliament, he has caused even more sweeping changes, and we're not talking about just the Indonesian maid who has to clean up after him because he is so gelojoh in the canteen. Now that the first session of Parliament is over, I shall list just a few, a few mind you, of the innumerable things that YB Ooi has masterminded in Parliament.

Master of The Universe!

In fact, The Dark Knight Sir Jeff, started it all when his trusty steed was abducted while he was lending his Ears of Justice to his liege lord, the King. Sensing that BN had something to do with this, and with the help of the Horse Whisperer they might learn our most covert secrets, we set out to go way overboard with this, ensuring that this dastardly deed could not be covered up.
And the perfect opportunity presented itself when YB's Ibrahim Ali and Karpal Singh engaged in "ye olde sixe o' one, halve aye dozen of anothoure" about being sat down - such important issues, where one sits and if one should be sitting at all, di Saluran Ceria Anda...
Knowing what kind of kerfuffle this would cause amongst seasoned wheelchair-huggers like our veteran of 24 years as a pro despite not finding it 'fun' and someone else who thinks it's actually 'exciting' (ah, democracy and free speech is alive and well even in this niche community), we knew that Karpal's ensuing press conference would gather many of these esteemed members of the press, so-named because every time something like this happens, they sure 'stim' one.

Peter Tan should know that life can still be fulfilling, despite being a person with a disability, or disabled person or a disability with a person, or whatever, until he can afford stem cell implants.

So we hijacked the questioning about Karpal's steed, which indeed, is only powered by one manpower, to our steed, a much more important several-dozened horsepowered Buatan Malaysia. As can be read via the definitely neutral and fair blogsite because Pakatan Rakyat runs it, we milked it for all it was worth, with such phrases that were so powerful that only the fair and neutral newspaper that is not controlled by BN could use - "I found a spot but I was told that I could not park there, probably because I was only driving a Wira and the spot could be occupied by a Mercedes-Benz or any bigger car."
Bravo, Jeffanator! Thinly-veiled jabs at corrupt BN politicians when this 7-year-old Wira is actually the car you punish your wife with rather than whatever fancy car you actually have FTW!
"This is a blatant dereliction of duty and double standards on the part of the Home Ministry and the IGP. It is an obstruction of the duty of MPs who have a respectable duty to listen to the Royal Address and debate on it when sitting convenes."
YB Ooi of the Jungle PWNSSSSZZZZ!
We also managed to query if the fuzz would also try and eat into an MP's measly RM6,000 allowance by issuing a fine or if in fact, the car was damaged by being towed and then sledgehammered by these police hooligans. Even though we knew no such thing would happen since the cops had only towed it into A PARKING BAY INSIDE PARLIAMENT and did not issue a summons. But we knew we could fool the rakyat into thinking that Jeff 'Hellraiser' Ooi was victimised by the lack of parking rather than the actual fact that he can't drive to save his life because after all, who reads the NST? Certainly not our constituents in Jelutong, hahaha!
But rakyat jelata sekalian, by doing this we have actually served the greater good. Now all Malaysians can enjoy additional parking at Parliament! This is but the first in a long line of changes Malaysia can now embrace simply because, and let us never forget, that Jeffwoman is in Parliament.

An actual damaged Wira, a sight soon to become a scarcity, since they launched the Persona.

More changes were afoot when we insinuated Brigadier General Ooi as Chief of Staff to the Chief Minister of Penang. Who knows what a CoS actually does besides help you in trigonometry, but it's a hella great title, isn't it? And it helps us tumpang glamer and be part of the government of the day when we were earlier too sombong to run for ADUN.
But even then, we've managed to force a positive change. We've cut down cost by convincing Lim Guan Eng to fly economy! And also to take cheaper rooms in hotels. But our friend, I tell you, not so clever to spin. Instead of saying, "I only use whatever I need," he gave up the game and said, "I usually request for a room that is at least one level down from what I am accorded." Aiyo, Lim! Must I handle the entire DAP PR? Jeff the Thing is a handful already!
But anyway, we even ensured that we got a lot of coverage of this. How? We very cleverly ensured that a blogger got whiff of this. And once our special and supreme race of people caught on to this, we knew it would spread like piss in a swimming pool.

It's art, in modern times.

Eventually, even The Nation's No.1 Advertising Portal hyped it up. An unexpected bonus occurred when they cetak rompak a picture that our blogger took! Haha, summore cetak rompak a picture with Ning Baizura inside!
Score one for Bloggers vs MSM!
The Incredible Jeff was so happy to have made such an impact, that he decided to reward himself with a holiday to Saigon! As he says with such erudition, "Itching to claim back the cultured part of me," he decided to get out of that backward and unsophisticated island of Penang to make sure he could still maintain his 1337 aristocratic pwnage!

See lah these uncultured turks, all the tourist traps they put big big, but the heritage all small, small. Penang, your past, you have so easily forgotten, today.

For all he's done, don't you agree that he deserves to take a break in the middle of a parliamentary session? After all, Captain Malaysia Ooi can let Guan Eng do the work instead. As we know, Jeff The Human Torch is the grease that oils the machine, the power behind the Red Bull, the wind in the sails of DAP. Even Guan Eng knows this, which is why, when some 'siao char boh's (Penang kia is Hokkien lang!) accused Jeff of being sexist, Guan Eng knew that he had to be The Fantastic Ooi's spokesperson.
Can you not see it now? Only the truly powerful can get their bosses to do their work for them. And as for these petty women, let's face it, how many old hags don't want to be like the Desperate Housewives, making love to anything with three legs and the thamby who comes to cut the grass? This is not sexist la, you stupid fucking retarded dumbshit cunts. I'm making you fuckwit dumbass pussies look glamourous!

Glamourous! Not like you money laundering bitches of the regime of, yesterday.

Sigh, you wanna know the truth people? W-ooi-verine is in fact, behind all the positive change we've seen of late. Raja Petra getting credibility by being jailed? That's us! Tun Dr Mad Hatter quitting Umno and weakening BN? Us too! Trying to act shocked that Tun has resorted to racism when he's actually a 70% good man? Uhh, actually, that was all Jeff's idea. But, hey, compared to raising petrol prices, not bad, right? Right?


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