Monday, December 03, 2007

S├ębastien Loeb, Eat Your Heart Out!

Wah, what a happening month it's been for the rakyat! That's us! You, me, him, her, Uncle Sellamuthu even. Power to the people!
If for years and in fact, months, you've been thinking, "I am just one person, what can I do?" then you're a stupid bugger. Don't you know, you have the power? The power, which has been described in the last paragraph, to be given to the people! Hence, power to the people!
People power, to paraphrase powerfully, was exhibited during two rallies in the past few weeks where people gathered against dirtiness and farts, although, we're not sure if it qualifies as a draft. A breeze perhaps, but certainly, we are sure everyone will agree, some wind is involved.


Drafts collected by these contraptions generally tend to come from the front, during the windy seasons.


But do you know what was really so powerful about these rallies? That even a few of us can be considered thousands! And then tens of thousands. And then hundreds of thousands! It's amazing how just one person can suddenly multiply so long as he's wearing the same colour t-shirt as some strangers standing next to him.
This phenomenon was first uncovered, in the Shots which are aimed directly at Screens, where Jeff "Life's Good" Ooi reported that 40,000 beings had assembled to do some gotong-royong or something. This was the picture he posted to cement his estimate:


One, two, buckle my shoe, three, four, a hundred more.


As a result of such wonderful arithmetic skills, one of the most bizarre headcount gymnastics since the Super Bowl claimed to be watched by one billion people - yes, we're all that interested in guys dropping handkerchiefs - resulted. It was the police who came out of their helicopters and said, "Empat ribu, boss."
But the organisers of the rally, plus their media machines - which are more like little Lego machines - said 40,000! This, confusingly, came despite the Malaysia Of This Very Present Moment first reporting an expected turnout of 10,000. So the police and the rather perplexed government said, "Ok, 8,000 got-la."
Since it worked once, they thought they'd try it again - Harakah then went ahead with 100,000! So Pak Lah said, "Fine, fine 10 Gs, niggah!"

The result of which is that meanwhile, armed with this new form of chaos math, Potshots is pleased to announce new findings for the year 2008. In the year 2008, we will have general elections in this country, and there will be 16,000 parliamentary seats to be contested. This is based on the following photographic evidence:


Fulemak, riot on the back of your 50 sen coin, from decades ago.


Meaning that the rakyat has even more power now. Now more of us can get fat allowances and build houses illegally in some bumfuck nowhere corner of the country! Power to the rakyat!
Not only that, we're also sure to see even more havoc jams in the city, as the number of cars on the road are expected to exceed the 546 million mark, as evidenced from this picture:


Picture taken from actual hovercraft prototype that will become necessary due to extreme traffic conditions, next year.


But the best news of all is that the leatherback turtle will be making its long-awaited comeback. At least two members of the famed species have decided on a reunion tour and were photographed shaking, uhh, flippers on the deal. You know what that means, right? 23,685 leatherback turtles to be spotted off the coast of Terengganu in the year 2008!


We is back, punks!


Similarly, the Hindraf rally also drew numbers ranging from 5,000 all the way to 30,000. But why did it simply stop at 30,000? We at Potshots have been using all our analytical skills to figure this out, sacrificing countless winning positions in games of Scrabulous and bottlecaps but in the end, it was all worth it.
Not just because we found the answer, but because sympathetic Jill Civics were on hand to give us massages.


And so, subdividing the matrix of them Hindians by the differential vectors of last Nov 10...


The answer is Anwar Ibrahim. Yes, quite simply that. Although if you wanted to complicate things a bit, you could add Datuk Seri, or FudgePacker or Stupid Facial Hair Dude.
The key to any successful rally or event is to have Anwar. Without Anwar, you will never get the exaggerated figures or picture you deserve. Here is a man who Al-Jazeera fawned over as if he were their very own brother from a different mother.
Without his support, his charisma, his ability to appear out of nowhere and take credit for everything, Hindraf's ridiculous religious and racial requests were rejected outright.


One million pounds? That's too much-la.


You see, Anwar can talk shop about say... RM3.2 billion but definitely not about RM28 trillion. That's just crazy money! It'll make Ananda Krishna look like a stingy, penny-pinching Scrooge. Oh, wait.


Ananda says, "Oh, My Gandhi! That's a lot of money!"


This is why I made great pains to invite Anwar to my daughter's birthday party. If not, how will I ever be able to boast of having given my daughter the biggest birthday party amongst all of her friends? How will I ever ensure that we can all say that other birthday parties are rigged? How will I ever get my daughter's birthday mentioned on Al-Jazeera?

The problem is however, that I am still on the wrong side of the law here. No, not because I am in cahoots with a known sodomiser. It is because it'll still be an illegal gathering. Nowadays, it's so hard to get a police permit for such simple things as gathering in front of the palace and bringing the nation to its knees that I'm sure my daughter's birthday party will definitely be disrupted by tear gas and chemically-laced water cannons.


Another sort of chemical water cannon, yesterday.


And so, in this rapturous spirit of people power, I have decided once and for all, to ensure that this whole idea of applying for permits is abolished! Yes, dimansuhkan!
We'll use the great opposition tactic of holding a rally to achieve this. And therefore I will be setting up a movement soon, with the support of 356,767 NGOs, as evidenced by a picture of 13 NGOs.
I will apply for a police permit to hold a gathering calling for the end of permits to hold gatherings, otherwise known as GAGA. I intend to have 30,000,000 people at my rally which will be held across Malaysia! I will use pictures of people just going about their own business as evidence that everyone in Malaysia has participated and as one nation, we are all petitioning against this permit stuff. Maybe, if we have time, we'll even get some FRU guys to tear gas us but most importantly, we'll get Anwar on Al-Jazeera!