Friday, December 29, 2006

Quick Quake in Nonexistent Nation Causes Communication Chaos **UPDATE**

Run! Put your satchel on your head! It is an earthquake! Assume the position! These and other things were recorded by my Little Earthworm Correspondents from Taiwan, who lived through the recent earthquake that stroked the island - thankfully they were underground through the whole thing and escaped the attentions of that grumpy sky-god that causes earthquakes.

Putting your satchel on your head will protect you from many small objects, such as raindrops, which might fall on you, during any earthquake.

Although I myself am still struggling with the concept of an earthquake happening in a country that doesn't exist, my Little Earthworm was quick to tell me to cease with the pro-China propaganda and concentrate on the real issue - as a result of the quake, many of the magical elvish Tubes that make up the Internet (YouTube, MicrosoftUbe etc.) were damaged, resulting in an unprecedented Internet Breakdown the likes of which has never been seen since the last time Streamyx went all fucked-up sideways, i.e. yesterday.

Authorities are on the hunt for the Disembodied Hand of God, that caused this quake and all others, across history.

Thankfully due to the fact that my world-renowned website runs on bio-ethanol and is equipped with gyroscopes, Potshots escaped the problems and remained UP for the duration of the rest of the losers' problems. However there was an outage for various sites, including that of Ketua Semua Kutu Jeff Ooi, whose blog Screenshots exploded in a ball of flames and had to be reconstructed with sellotape, used paper napkins and shredded copies of the New Straits Times. Thankfully my Earthworms report that Screenshots is now as good as it was before the quake struck.

What with that giant bulls-eye painted over it and all, it's no surprise that the Disembodied Hand of God loves poking Taiwan, all the time.

Jeff has also noted the contribution of my Premier Content Partner Google in diverting traffic and unblocking tubes to keep the Asian Internet moving along. In a very timely warning at the end of his post, he stated that
"Geeks at also offer some very good solutions to mitigate the Internet snarl. Just that bandwidth is scarce commodity at the moment, hopefully none will abuse the proxy servers to play Internet games."

This I wholeheartedly agree with!!! How dare this sort of geek/nerd/punk/goth person abuse the precious, precious Bandwidth Jelly to fuel his debauched lust for defeating +15Z Barbarians and conquering +36D Tavern Wenches?

Abuse, I tell you! This is abuse! And abuse it will stay, forever!

Of course, it would be an entirely different matter if this offending geek utilised the precious bandwidth to make hopelessy obtuse and self-referential posts filled with the worst metaphors since the time that guy said the Internet was a bunch of tubes. It would also be fine if he used the bandwidth to give needless and witless props to his homies, who continue to like him due to the fact that he is inexplicably more popular than they, despite their superior talent, a state of affairs which may have created an attention-seeking complex in the poor buggers. Similarly, it would be a justifiable, even laudable, use of bandwidth to shamelessly lick the balls of his sponsors by concocting posts about stupid contests that they see fit to organise, ignoring the blatant lack of relevance or newsworthiness or even interest value of the plug that he's making, thus proving to all and sundry that he is in fact a whore, always available to the highest bidder, political master or any well-wisher who may come bearing gifts of mobile phones and/or free trips. All those things would be fine utilisations, and not an abuse of bandwidth at all.

So quit sitting there minding your own business, being entertained by your electronic game nonsenses, get up and start changing the world by becoming a corrupt political dogsbody today - it's what the Internet Tubes were designed for.


Yes, this is a late edit because you can't have your cake and edit - and so only after all the New Year calorie-bration (which is either a celebration with a lot of calories or a calibration with a lot of calories. Some might say it's the same thing, if you're Kate Moss) can I update you with this new bout of Moronicity (which is 50 miles due Stupid of Idiocity) from the Star - although they never really tell us which one they are, so they should really be called, a Star.

Kate Moss, not afraid to show off her body since there's not much of it anyway, ever since she substituted carbs with another white starchy thing called coke.

After the quake hit, A Star was all abuzz with panic and widespread fumbleedegooks over being cut off from the rest of the world, despite still being on the same damn round thing called Earth.

Yellow lines denote how we're being fenced in by our lack of logic, when the Internet goes down.

Their panic was so unchecked that someone managed to sneak in a story about the woe and plight of bloggers. Witness, the notoriously named (but not for much else), KinkyBlueFairy who "said she only managed to upload a few sentences onto her blog," which must've been the only good news to come out of this Divine Punishment on the human race. In fact, this news is of such a grand scale that we'd really consider it Divine Reward instead now. Holy Father, how could we ever have doubted your ways?

"It is really getting to me because I have all my information and contacts online and I cannot get my work done,” said Wong, who is known as KinkyBlueFairy online.

she continued to babble to a reporter who obviously wasn't doing her job properly. The real story is someone who calls herself KinkyBlueFairy online and has all her info and contacts online. Now, what does that sound like to you?

Well, just use your damn imagination, for once.

But let us spare a moment of silence for the irrevocable pain and suffering caused to student Adrian Teh, 22, who blogs and reads his friends' posts regularly, said he felt hopeless. Noor Faridah Zulkiflie was planning to revert to paper and pen since she was unable to post her blogs online.
"I feel wretched now because I have lots of pent-up feelings but unfortunately cannot write about them," said the 22-year-old student.

Hopeless, wretched, having to use paper and pen. These are the misadventures, of the Blogtropica.

ARGH! In the Blogtropica, recently.

But speaking of not doing his/her job, A Star's Penang correspondent must be awarded 2006's Most Hopeless Piece of Reportage Eva award. In this piece of wtf journalism, s/he wrote,

Tourist David Persson, 20, managed to upload his travel pictures but it took him more than an hour to do the normally 10-minute job.
"I read online that there was an earthquake in Taiwan which damaged undersea cables," said the Swede who together with his friend Philip Stahl, also 20, is on a six-month trip across China and South-East Asia.

Wow, what an amazing and unremovable quote. Thanks to some smelly Mat Salleh tourist, we can now confirm this news to you. AN EARTHQUAKE IN TAIWAN DAMAGED UNDERSEA CABLES. It doesn't matter if authorities from the Intergalactic High Commission of Cabled Communication made a statement. Nothing is fact, until some Swedish backpackers tell us it is so.

Thus sayeth the Swede Tourist, in the omnipresent eternity.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

It's The End Of The Year As We Know It!

Whoopdeedoodiddlydumdumbebop. It's about that time of the year to go party, exchange presents, kisses under mistletoe and celebrate a new year which will be exactly like the one before except with better technology and better ways to waste it.
First and foremost, Merry Christmas. Yes, I can wish that to you because I am not Muslim. But I only wish it to people who are not Muslim because it would insult Islam if I did. So, Merry Christmas to all except Jeff bin Ooi who is apparently a Melayu with a lot of Malay brethren.
Why our good friend had to point out the fact that most civil servants are Malays in his post, I have no idea, but then, Ooi likes to play the race card rather so often because as we all know, he's a racy ol' chap.

A sore dick by any other name, for far too long.

Walaubagaimanapun, it is still the time of the year to reflect, and for those of us who are not mirrors, to think back on what has happened in the last 12 months, 365 days, 385854287 hours, 290580743987420 minutes, 37501-81-1=6-3 seconds or 3 squitonings.
For Daft Oi, the most significant thing has been the appearance of spam comments on my blog. Because of that, I must now turn off anonymous comments here. This is in no way a personal attack on all the anonymous commenters who are actual people because I really don't know who you guys are. Seriously, I don't. I mean, I don't even know your name.
Some may accuse Daft Oi of being a hypocrite for removing this right to anonymous free speech. But Daft Oi knows no hypocrisy. Literally, he doesn't even know what it means or how it's spelt. I copy and pasted from the crack in the space-time continuum when KarTun shook hands with George Sorok-Duit.

Ommm, H, ommm, Y, omm P...

Berkaitan dengan itu, it seems that for Saudara Mohd Jeff bin Ooizaffar Syeikh, he simply wants to Forget 2006. He does that, by recounting the events of 2006 which best serve his interest. Wow, I wish I had thought of that earlier. Forget by remembering. I mean, it's so diabolical it just might work!
With this new mind-boggling technique, we have in our hands, a great solution to all the racial undercurrents of our beloved tanahair. Simply remember with great passion, loathing and hate, the events of May 13, the blood spilt by the Communists, the scholarships lost to some MARA students who got the answers to the SPM exam two weeks in advance, the Chinese jeweller who sold you an authentic 100% aluminium 92.5 silver jewelry, the Indian lawyer who promised represent you in court but was two hours late because he was out drinking last night. Remember, and let's live 2007 in total muhibbahness, niggahs!

Remember, remember, the 13th of Mayvember.

And for 2007, what plans does Daft Oi have? Well, I have plans to be an F1 driver, an astronaut, a movie star, pop idol and war general! Ambitious? Ridiculous? WTF? No, definitely not.
According to the most impressive Log-Ooi-c that we have used before, if you've ever been on a boat, then you must surely want to be a sailor.
So, I've been to an F1 race before, a planetarium, cinema, bought some CDs and also visited an army barracks. It won't be long, my dear readers, before I am reporting about my adventures of racing in outer space while gunning down even Martians and making a movie about it which will be, yes, you guessed it, a musical!

Flash ain't got shit on me, in 2007.

On that note, I guess it won't be long either before Jeff becomes Jeff of the Jungle, King of the Borneon Orang Utans.
After all, he's been photographed like this,

So it looks like a wonderful 2007 for humanity in general. So long as we keep global warming down, if not, it'll all go Waterworld-like. And you seriously do not want to be living in a bad Kevin Costner movie, nosirreesahludacris.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Wish for something to suck on ends in formation of new religion

Dear readers, my fellow humans and worms,

We live in times of great incertainty, and perhaps even outcertainty. It is a world where a wish for braces actually causes a motorcycle accident to happen, as evidenced by this headline in the Noobs Traits Times. Clearly the motorcycle accident would not have happened if the purpose of the journey had been, say, to buy some porno VCDs or to rob a jewellers' or something less innocent and sweet and touching than going out for braces. Obviously the braces caused the accident. Beware, all ye who seek straight teeth, for a horrible crashy death awaits thee!

Wish for attention ends in awful tragedy, some weeks past.

It is precisely in such a faithless world that we need, well, a new faith, to shine in the dark vacuum left by other faiths and also to fill it with a sort of whooshy noise that will herald the end of the vacuum which arrived way back when, with a sort of sucky noise, when everything got sucked out to leave empty space. Who better to think up such a religion than the Blog-God himself, Jeff Ooidelolly? Jeff has for a while been occupied by the mystery of why people who want a smoke will buy cigarettes rather than newspapers. Well, Jeff, having tried it out myself, I can - I mean sorry, having heard about it from one of my Little Earthworms I can attest to the fact that it's all really quite simple. You see, the state of 'high' provided by smoking newsprint is definitely present, but it's totally not mellow man, and leaves you just in a state of totally gnarly paranoia. It's all that ink and gunk, dude. Not to mention the foreign news pages. Trippy. Not cool. Hence one is much better off smoking cigarettes, which everyone knows are legal because they just give you cancer straight up, without any kind of pesky highs or lows. No, just pure cancer, the way Ibu Alam Semulajadi intended it. I'd like to announce, to Jeff and anyone else who might be wondering, that that's why Malaysian smokers buy more cigarettes than newspapers. They just don't want to smoke newspapers.

Kids, by the way, do not try any of that at home, because that Little Earthworm I was just telling you about, he's got awful breath and his clothes reek, they smell just like that segment of hell that's reserved for tobacco company execs. Trippy. Not cool.

Aviator pigs, they don't like to get high / Except if and unless they get high in the sky / Otherwise they just want to get cancer and die, eventually.

Not having the access to smelly little earthworms that I have, Jeff needed to look elsewhere for his answer, and where did he turn but to God? As indicated by a sentence from this post it's clear that Jeff believes that God is in fact Prof. Dr. Abdul Rashid Moten. Jeff has founded a new religion called Motenism (not to be confused with Modernism, which involved lots of intelligence and talent, two things that Motenists wholeheartedly attempt to eradicate from their lives, following the example of Chief Poobah Grand Motenist Jeff Ooi, the only man ever to have been born with neither intelligence nor talent). Motenism, my Earthworms tell me, revolves around the practise of gathering to listen to God, who recites tired old jokes that everyone has heard before, in front of a congregation of idiots who actually haven't, and then uses the power of their mighty pretensions towards wit to try and compromise the structural integrity of the place of worship. As Jeff puts it, Talking of God, Prof Dr Abdul Rashid Moten (IIUM) shared an anecdote that almost brought down the roof as he was closing his session at the Aidcom Conference yesterday.

It's usually quite easy to tell when the Motenists have been by, recently.

It appears that, having been touched by his new faith, Jeff now wants to convert all bloggers to it. I say yes, why not! Let us all blog as Motenist brothers! Having been all fired up by our new, ultra-moten religion, we must now all join Jeff in the call to power that he voices in this post, where he repudiates some alleged 'journalist' for arrogantly suggesting that just because the most popular political blogger in Malaysia is a total nitwit, the people's love affair with blogging is a mere 'fascination'. And I quote:
There was one editor from the mainstream media who, on one hand, said change taking place on the online platform must be fostered, but one the other was exasperated by the present crowd that is "too fascinated with blogging" -- as if blogging will soon die a passing fad.
His kind will be rudely shocked. More power from Malaysians is being harnessed to power the blogosphere here, with punch and finesse.

Yeah man, Jeff!!!! Alright-tuh!!!! LET'SA FIGHTING!!! Protect my balls!!! Punch AND finesse!!!! You tell 'em, Jefffoboy!!! If Jeff's punch don't get you, his finesse certainly will, because you'll spend so much time hunting for any traces of it that he'll be able to sneak up to you and punch you again before you find any. No way you'll find it before he manages to sneak up to you, since mathematically speaking any search for something that's not in existence will theoretically go on forever, according to My Momma's law of Why Do You Waste Your Time Reading That Garbage. Similar effects have been noted in people who read this site seeking things that are humourous, for example.

Oh Lawd, you got served, just now.

So Jeff, know that we are behind you as committed Motenists. We will carry the process of Motenisation through to the pre-Moten people and spread the blessings of Motenity far and wide. And one day, when we have done our work, I - Daft Oi, your beloved - will step up to the plate and present a whole new paradigm, as the world's first Postmotenist.