Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Deeper Valley, Hairy Raya and Other Stupid Jokes

Stupid jokes, the very core of all humanity.
It is in such a spirit that I come to you now in this season of festivities - in my humble humanity, instead of my raging masculinity, a masculinity that rages with all the power of five-day-old dog markings.
In order not to offend my Muslim brothers, I shall not wish any of those heathen Hindus anything but 'hope you had a nice Saturday' and to all my tired, hungry, foul-breathed inheritors of heaven and many virgin hos, Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin, whoever these Zahir and Batin people are.

Golly, asking for forgiveness sure looks like a whole lotta fun, every year.

First let me explain that my sudden burst of activity has not been prompted by any illegal substance, but instead, by that much-loved Malaysian habit of curi ayam. Yes, just like many of you other lazy turds, I have skipped off from work this fateful Monday.
What did you guys spend your time doing? Eating ketupat? Dying on the road? Downloading pr0n? Whatever it is, rest assured that none of you cabut kerja to such great effect as Daft Oi himself.

Selamat Hari Raya, during balik kampung.

What I did was surf, ever so innocently to the Master of Ceremonial Self-Killings, Jeff Seppukooi. I then found this smorgasbord of buttons going down the side of his blog, like how all those adult singles sites keep informing you of so many Russian-looking girls who reside in Ampang or Petaling Jaya. What? I heard from a friend.

Jeff Ooi could use some of this, since he's keeping it real, alwiz.

One of them was called Screenshots Pantun. What? Could this be for real? Could it possibly be? The man with the most overactive imagination in the world was finally putting it to use in the arts!
Wow! So let's see what sort of gems he's come up with? The answer? None. It's actually all other people's shit. Haha, should've known. The old Geezer couldn't rhyme to save his life. I mean, this is a guy who thought Whatzzup! was a catchy name.

In fact, he's even come up with simple DIY tips. So generous of our good 'ol Jeff.

The common ones have the most basic form of even-numbered lines based on an a-b-a-b rhyming scheme. As a rule of thumb, a 'perfect' pantun that does not deviate from the rhythm will have between 8 and 12 syllables in every line. For example:

Buah cempedak di luar pagar,
Ambil galah tolong jolokkan;
Saya budak baru belajar,
Kalau salah tolong tunjukkan.

Wow. An example of a perfect pantun, as proclaimed by Baba Ah Ooi himself.
But the big as a turd from an elephant on laxatives issue is that all this time I have been wondering, why the hell is the Mighty One spending time on other people's poems?

After jolokking the cempedak, juice it for a nice, refreshing drink, on a hot afternoon.

As always, I spent some time trying to figure out ol' Jeff.
Five seconds later, I had it. It was yet another piece of self-promotion! Haha, should've known, silly me. Ooi has been known to use anything to further his own agenda, so why not the age-old tradition of pantun? Now, all you have to do is send the pantun that most describes his plan to rule the world, and you'll win a new phone, courtesy of LG, the company that helps feed Ooi's bastard children everyday.
Be careful, each SMS will cost you RM1. So, all readers of Screenshots, please ask your parents' permission first before SMSing and get them to help you with the spelling and make it a family activity during this festive season!
But please send an SMS, each SMS will go to paying for Ooi's plastic surgery, from which he hopes to come out with a face as beautiful as those phones he keeps raving about. Your SMS alone might not change a single pimple on his face, but together, we can make Michael Jackson look like a soap-and-water minimalist.

You can help this man lead a normal life. SMS today.

How about also dropping an email to us, telling us if you'd prefer the newlook Jeff to be pink, white or classic black. No, no, I mean his face.

So, in the spirit of Hari Raya, I too have sent in a pantun to help Jeff. It goes something like this,

Orang gila makan chapati,
Chapati dimakan orang gila,
Jeff Ooi memang hodoh macam babi,
SMSlah supaya Tuan akan jelita.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Kia Picanto - would the plural be Picantos or Picantoes?

Yes, and as promised, this humble apprentice motoring journalist will attempt to disprove the lackadaisical (the lacking of daisies) attitudes of Shannon Teoh, Jeremy Mahadevan and James Hipkiss in neglecting the fundamentals (fun and mental) of contemporary journalism. Which is to make the advertiser happy, you dingbats.
After my Little Earthworms had gone out and sourced a Kia Picanto for me, by infesting and scaring the hell out of some advertising executive who thought she was looking all fine (like some Italian supermodel) in her new Italian-esque car, I had the chance to prove this Korean car's Italian pedigree.

An Italian supermodel, nearly shocked out of dress, after seeing some earthworms. Please note, woman whose car we used looked nothing like this, except for the (lack of) chest.

The first impression of the car was befuddling (bees in a fucking puddle) since the car seemed to look more shocked than the ad exec. It seemed to have huge eyes and a small open mouth that made it look very surprised.
Then we realised, it looked surprised all the time, perhaps at the designer Kang Lee's decision to make it look like an Italian footballer who's shocked at the referee's decision. Even if it's to give him a yellow card for a triple axle, double somersault into the green turf that would normally score highly amongst Romanian Olympic gymnasts like Nadia Comaneci (come, my neck itchy).

The all new Kia Picanto was designed after Italian football legend, Gennaro Gattuso, after realising he had the same initials as, you got it, Giorgetto Giugiaro.

And these are the results, which continue to astound car lovers the world over, since right after Daft Oi told them so.

The car comes in a wide range of bright colours, like the Italian national flag, which is bright green, white and red. Kia has made the car in green, red and white to celebrate (sell and braid) its Italianness but also in many other colours, most famously, orange, which it feels is a very unique and Italian colour. Why? Because it's the colour of very strong cheese, and important ingredient in the Italian national dish - the pizza! It is so unique because other cars that come in orange - the Ford Focus, Nissan X-Trail, Nissan Sentra, MINI Cooper, Lotus Elise, Audi TT, Volkswagen Bettle, Volkswagen Golf, Honda Civic Type-R, a schoolbus - all did it to be unique so yes, Kia are very proud that they have such a unique idea.

Viva Italia!

You may be wondering (won a deer ring) about the name Picanto (pick and tow). Kia says it’s a combination of the French word "piquant" for spicy and the Italian word "canto" for song. See, Shannon, Jeremy and James? How can you say a car is not Italian when its very name is derived from an Italian word? That should settle it, isn't it?
What do you mean the point was that the name doesn't mean anything? It means everything. Because of the name, the car has the very Italian character (care actor) of breaking down all the time like an Alfa Romeo. But let's not get the Alfisti pissed off, huh?

If you piss them off, the Alfisti will karaoke you to death, any place, any time.

Moving on, we actually found that the overall design, was immaculate (I'm a kulat), beautiful, the work of that Korean genius Kang Lee, who must now be elevated to the status of legend, like Michaelangelo, another Italian genius!

A Picanto will also be mounted in such glorious array as Michelangelo's David, one day.

And the ride, I tell you, wah, so smooth, like the finest, handmade, spaghetti! You can eat it until your bum becomes so fat, that it gives you the cushioning of exactly what it feels like to sit in a Picanto. Oh, the luxury!
And as for the interior, it is so special and unique, it's like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, such beauty makes you want to bow down and worship it, like you worship the Pope! And it's all topped off with such a round and wonderful steering wheel, round like, the pizza! Oh, it is so gorgeous and Italian, like Monica Bellucci!

What we wouldn't do, for a Picanto, right now.

But the real test of the car is the engine, no? Inside the bonnet is a meaty 1.1-litre engine that generates up to 65 horsepowers (horse powers)! 65! Horses! Horses are very Italian. The Ferrari logo has a horse! This engine will take the car screaming up to 100km/h in just over 15 seconds! That's only 12.5 seconds slower than an Enzo. That's definitely (deaf in Italy) Italian!
It is a very meaty engine, like lasagna, eh? Full of meat, not like stupid British pies, only full of potatoes, haha!

Garfield will have this anyday, at dinnertime.

But yet, despite all that fearsome power, it is a very clean and efficient engine. Using only 5 litres of petrol for every 100 km travelled. Meaning, hardly any petrol used since nobody would really travel 100 km in this car. This car is as good for mother nature as minestrone soup is for you! Drink up, you're a growing boy, eh?

Grow up to be like Giancarlo Fisichella, eh? Someday, someday...

This car has become so popular and well-loved (as all things Italian are loved, like ultra-racists, the mafia, Benito Mussolini and the Sopranos) that it has birthed an unoffical owners' club of its own online, located here, entitled "My life with my KIA Picanto", which at this point, seems to be a rather lonely life, since there's only three contributors.
This exciting club does things like count the number of other Picanto(e)s on the road, (current record stands at an astounding 7!) and trying to fit something into its rather small and petite Italian boot (Italians believe in small butts but big busts, eh?). What an exciting lifestyle that comes with owning a Picanto, a truly spicy song, spicier than the song about KFC's new hot & spicy extra chicken!

The good Colonel considering a Picanto, just before coming up with the hot & spicy extra recipe instead.

I suggest anyone looking for a kereta baru for Raya, to buy this car, so you can bring a piece of Italy back to your kampung, isn't that what Hari Raya is all about? And stay tuned for our Deeparaya (deep array) update as well, as Daft Oi gets cultural on yo' ass.