Monday, May 29, 2006

Between a Rokk and an Ahirudin place

Football season is coming again, having left us for long enough so that we could collect the spent beer cans and haul them to the recycling plant to pay for next month's Astro subscription.
And for the World Cup, I have a good strategy, the same one I employed for the Malaysian Under-20 + 3 vs MyTeam + dodgy bleach jobs. I will watch it on TV.

Now, here's a team that will thrash the Malaysian football team, anytime, foo.

Yes, unlike the gila babi membebel 70,000 people who went to the round place which is a bit penget so not round like the ball that players want to go and Kick It! Kick It!... I had the vantage point of, my chair. The reason is I - as all of you know by now and if you didn't, you will never, never, never know Simply Red - am a patriot.
And because our football fans are all unpatriotic hooligans who support YourTeam, I cannot go to the stadium. What will happen is that when their team of amateurs (haha, amateurs, I called you! I am so witty!) loses to the Tigers, they will all be upset and beat me up.

Aduh, during my last visit to the stadium.

Now, although I am a team player, as witnessed during my Counterstrike playing days (where I left the glamour of defusing bombs and saving hostages and damsels in distress to others while I did the dirty job of fragging those n00bs), I am far too important to risk my life in a hellhole of such hellish depth.
Which brings me to my point. Why all these flers so unpatriotic? Go and watch Malaysia play, but support the opponents. I understandla if the other team got your brother, or cousin or husband, but majority of people in the stadium supported KhairyTeam. How come? Don't tell me their families so fertile and can beranak sedozen sekali. I know that is patently impossible because all hospitals only have 11 cots for newborns.

It doesn't matter if the China women's team can beat our Malaysian boys, we must still support. Same like garmen rite? Even though they do stupid things like ban documentaries about our own history, we must still be proud of our country and those that represent us, just like how I'm sure all of you are proud of Lazarus Rokk - and no, I am not trying to make fun of his name. That IS his name. Serious. No lampooning whatsoever. Oklah, maybe just a bit - Lazy Ass Rokok! Hurh hurh hurh.

We must be proud of him because he is willing to stand up even when nobody cares and state sort of loudly that MyTeam had an obligation to defeat Malaysia - and not vice-versa - because they were the ones who issued the challenge. In Rokk's Rokk-tastic world of manly duels and damsels who are only pretending not to want a rub of your shiny scalp, a challenge must be honoured with scrotal gumption as well as various other things that can be expanded into needlessly verbose, clunky phrases, such as 'footballs', which as we all know can be lengthened into 'extremity-ending flat toe-wielding appendage scrotal gumption.'

Rokk can't understand why the onus (onus, hurh hurh hurh) was on Malaysia to beat MyTeam. As he says, "The general consensus – gently coaxed no doubt by the protagonists of MYteam -- is that while the national team needs to win at all cost, the virtual reality team that cost quite a lot to put together, has got nothing to lose.
If everyone indeed believes that, then why was there a necessity to waste everyone’s time, effort, and Telekom Malaysia’s RM 4million to put on this hyped-up match?"

Far be it from us at this humble Blog of Truth to question such sage words, but it seems odd to us that Rokk hasn't realised that Telekom Malaysia already got more than their money's worth out of this whole shebang, since the positive vibes generated by MyTeam were so immense that had they lost 12-0 the crowd would just have gone, "Awwww, the evil merciless pros socked it to the poor, spunky underlings - well no matter, MyTeam are winners based on their courage alone, and now I must go and make several long-distance phone calls to explain this fact to everyone I know." Even if Telekom Malaysia lost out on this RM4 million deal, how can it harm them when they have a market so captive it's like Alcatraz - after all, where else are Malaysian consumers supposed to turn to for their telephony and broadband needs? The only way you'd avoid TM would be if your definition of 'broadband' is The Magic Numbers.

The Magic Numbers, real broad band - make no mistake about it, ever.

Ok, but you see, according to another sort of Rock, which is a Rocky, but not like the boxer, but probably a barista since he makes some sort of Bru - Yes, Bru - , now that Laser-us' previous medium, his Counterpoint column, has left Jalan Riong along with his sizeable being, Lazarus is sort of arising from the grave (again?) and going to the World Cup as a media officer. One wonders whether he will be there to dispute blindly anything that comes his way, the same way he did with his column, as much as the idea of a column designed solely to disagree with things might seem comical. Well, here's a man who likes to use the phrase 'scrotal gumption' instead of 'balls' as if it's cool. Worryingly, he will be the only representative from Asean at that famed international tournament based around 22 men kicking a scrotal gumption around a field, showing that Southeast Asia is an association - possibly of bald annoyances - rather than a region.

While most say that when Rocc accepted the VSS, it was actually far from voluntary: the lack of any point being countered in the past decade led the company to decide that enough was enough - as enough is usually not insufficient - and to free him to ply his Man United apologetics where it'll actually be appreciated. Yes, so now the glory-hunting giant flaming ball of gas has offered him a column. Glory, glory Star Publications!

On an aside, can you imagine, the Tak Bengkok dan Tak Lama Times once had a column called Rocky's Bru? Rocky's Bru. And it wasn't about coffee or beer. Although suspicions that beer was indirectly involved in the inebriated ramblings have never been unfounded, which is the complete opposite of what happens when Sherlock Holmes looks for a murderer.

A close relation of Rocky's
Bru, before it died a natural death, unlike the Bru that keeps on Bruing.

Let's take a look at the career of the ex-journalist, somewhere between veteran and retired. Last post held in mainstream media was Executive Editor of the (old) Malay Mail and (now-dead) Sunday Mail (R.I.P - because resting in peace doesn't necessarily mean deceased, it may mean simply sitting on a big pile of VSS cash).
Why do I say this? Oh, because I wouldn't dare associate any of the new Malay Mail with the old one. It wouldn't be fair, because the new one actually has a boss who isn't off doing something other than being Executive Editor.
See, this is unfair, because Rocky was Bruing a storm at the press club, where his actual fulltime job as Press Club President and reigning champion of subsidised beers was taking up so much of his selfless and unrewarded effort.
Have no fear, O members of the press, for Rocky will still be the Bruising Boss of your Club (hehe, geddit? Club?) until his license to kill expires. Yes, it expires in 007. Not 07 or 2007. Or even the Peugeot 307. But 007. Yes, feels like Entrapment all over again.

the Real 007 bru, shaken not stirred since Sean Connery said Bond. James Bond.

Our man Rock, Rock, Rocky one, has donned his cute shorts and striped singlet as he went forth to play the pundit, like his good buddy Rokk, something he has done for many years in his column that is not about beer or coffee.

Rocky dons his own brandname jacket, when it gets cold.

Based on hearsay, which has been the epitome of Malay Mail journalistic philosophy, he has insinuated that the Non-Communist Letters is crap in the context of what the Little Birdlike chirping in his ears told him - that the tabloid paid ad agent droid, BBDO, who is a close friend of C3PO, US$1 million for their recent revamp into Selangor's official tabloid.

Duli Yang Maha Mulia, since May 20.

Here at Potshots, we are astounded by Berbatu's expert analysis. Of course it's crap since it only cost RM400k+ to get rid of him during the VSS. Once the difficult part was done, you'd expect them to spend just a few more bucks to finish up the process.
We agree that there is definitely something fishy here. We can almost be sure that at least RM3 million of that money must've gone into some corrupt fler's pocket.
Sure makes your VSS payout look like crap, doesn't it, Rocky? But your sacrifice is an enduring encouragement to the rest of us who hope to also one day inherit a BMW 5 series just like that one.

A good investment for Rocky, trusted for generations of people with a lot of loose cash.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Lelaki Harijadi Komunis Selamat

Cheers and Salutations, you gorgeous people. How you doiiiing? You feeling goooood? Yeaaaah, it's all hanging good, innit?
After all, what could possibly be wrong during a time when the power of protest can cause a forum on minority rights to be cancelled? Power to the rakyat! Gives new hope to these protestors! Malaysia Boleh! Don't give up!


Ok, ok, so I've been missing even longer than usual. The truth is... I got lazy. But the real reason is that I needed a break. And after all, since May 13 was my birthday, I thought I'd take a short trip away for some fun in the sun in Portugal where I spent some time watching a Malaysian musical in Singapore.
Did that make any sense? No? That's because you're still hungover from my birthday celebrations!

I bet you wished you were there, last fortnight.

So I went to this musical, but was very disappointed to find that it was falsely advertised, and was in fact a documentary. If there's one thing I hate it's a documentary, just as I have grown to hate books, pamphlets and Wikipedia, because these are all things that feed me knowledge, and I have learnt so many times through the example of my mentorsaurus Jeff Ooi, owner of Malaysia's Most Well-Endowed Blog, Screenshots, that the best way to approach a subject is from the perspective of knowing nothing about it at all, and then stating the obvious or the obviously false as if nobody's thought of it before.

The Jeff Ooi approach to roadsign-making is sweeping the globe, now.

After the movie was over, I asked the bevy of Jill Civics who accompanied me what it had all been about, and they explained that it was called Lelaki Komunis Terakhir and was directed by some professional hippie named Amir Muhammad. Anyway, I thought it was a very cool piece of work, despite being a hippie-film, and it let me find out a lot more about some weird country which I don't see much of, since like my idol the Jeffmeister I spend most of my time on free trips all over the world. I wasn't sure how it could be about communists, since I thought it was about pomelos and charcoal, but since I don't know what a communist is I suppose there's a chance it might be a false pomelo used to smuggle charcoal, or a false charcoal used to smuggle pomelos, or a charcoal pomelo used in false smuggling.

It's juicy, it's red, it's Karl Marx, before he died, a poor man, wishing he'd learnt how to set up a hard-hitting social commentary blog like mine.

Then I found out, to my shock and horror, that the film is actually banned in Malaysia! Apparently an incomprehensible idiotbigot named Akmal Abdullah, who works for Berita Harian, discovered that there such a documentary was in the works and decided it must be banned. In fact, one of my Little Earthworms recorded Akmal's reactions when he first found out about the film, which I reproduce here for the good of humanity and broadband content. They collected this quote for me, recorded while Akmal was alone in his office with nobody else around.

"Wat dis? A filem abaut de komunis? How kan? Dis is not respek of awer kantri. De komunis was de very bad ting, bcos ting! Many of de pipul die! And samor, dis muvi is abaut Chin Peng. You kenot mek a filem abaut Chin Peng in awer ples, bcos he ting! See his name oledi I know - Chin, Chin is stand for China! Peng is stand for Penget! Chin Peng is stand for de China wan tu Penget awer kantri! Thats why, awer kantri is not China! Awer kantri is Indonesia, and Indonesia is for de silap plak...
And den rait, dis China pipul all is de komunis, and der wos NEVA any Melayu komunis, understen? Where got? And den rait, the yang pipul will wotch dis muvi and den rait, after dey bkum komunisma means how? Bcos it is quite komon for dis yung friks tu gif up dey McDonal and MTV and Livais to join de Maks! Kal Maks is very bad. Kill pipul.
Wat yu sed? So I mas go and wotch this filem lah, so det I can atek it in mai paper? Yu r korek, sir, eksep no need to wotch lah, gua malas. Haha sometimes I oso am like the China ppl la, very malas...eih salah plak."

I think we can clearly see now why the brilliant high-brow content-based journalist Jeff Ooi has decided to refer to Akmal Abdullah as the ASSistant Entertainment Editor of Berita Harian - the man is truly ASS, hurh hurh hurh Omigod I so funny.

Hurh hurh hurh, the Jeffmeister wants you to know that ASSmal ASSY ASS ASS AbdullASS is actually one of these...

Or perhaps one of these, ever since he was born.

Unfortunately I cannot write more of this ASSmal ASSy ASSologist without resorting to language that would besmirch my beloved blog, so I just have this to say:

*Sophisticated British accent.

It was only later that I found out, courtesy of one of my Littler Earthworms, that Jeff Ooi has been asked to become the sole agent, publicist, activist, kaya toast maker and unlicensed attorney for The Last Communist. Well, he hasn't actually said it in so many words, but all you have to do is listen to him talk and it all becomes pretty clear that he wishes he was in that position. Plus, I know he has actually said that in so many words, since I got a recording of it from a Little Earthworm who happens to be Some Unfortunate Journalist Who Had To Interview Jeff (SUJWHTIJ).

Jeffmeister: Yes, what you'd heard is true - I have accepted Amir's offer to take up a position as his agent and publicist.
SUJWHTIJ: When did he make this offer?
Jeffmeister: When he made this offer is irrelevant, as irrelevant as the existence of any such offer in the first place. The important thing is that I, Jeff, will soon be leaving my own pungent-smelling mark all over the metaphorical lamp-post of Amir's metaphorical street.
SUJWHTIJ: Have you drafted a strategy of response to the numerous attacks the film has suffered -
Jeffmeister: Of course! I will simply interrupt them with the universal truth that only I am allowed to say anything about this movie. All other views are drivel.
SUJWHTIJ: What about positive reviews, such as the one run in the NST?
Jeffmeister: I spit on them! How dare they say things about it?
SUJWHTIJ: that why you rather conveniently avoided mentioning the review on your blog?
Jeffmeister: Of course I disregarded it. I have also disregarded to mention the fact that Amir Muhammad has a column with the NST, not to mention the fact that that's the only reason I support him, because the whole motivation behind my entire online existence has been to get a job with my beloved NST.
Jeffmeister: The poor paper is being mishandled now, as I mentioned recently in a post, how can the NST print articles attacking the ban when in fact the person who started this whole hoo-ha in the first place, the ASSistant EditASS ASSmal ASSdullah ASS ASS ASS, works for Berita Harian, a sister paper of NST?
SUJWHTIJ: But doesn't that suggest that the NST has the freedom to -
Jeffmeister: If I were Brendan of the Prairie, I would have gotten the ASS ASS ASSmal ASS ASS's ass in deep shit, and gotten him fired, and stopped Berita Harian from covering all this nonsense.
SUJWHTIJ: Wouldn't that be a restriction of press freedom, though?
Jeffmeister: Poppycock! Press freedom is only restricted when someone disagrees with me.
SUJWHTIJ: Um...I don't think that's exactly what it -
Jeffmeister: How dare you! You, sir, are a restricter of press freedom! Mark my words, I will have my way with you on my mighty Blog blah blah blah blee blee blee etc. etc.
SUJWHTIJ: *sigh*

And so it appears the plot is thickening, ladies and gentlemen, and will keep thickening until somebody says "Alamak my curry" and pours some water in there. Until then, this has been Potshots, the first with the pungent spicy aroma of 100% truly true truthiness and factility.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Potshots Civic Service Announcement - Servicing Malaysia For Dozens of Days

As the team at Potshots surveys its long, proud, hard and pistoning history, we are glad to say that despite the ups and downs experienced over several operational and management upheavals in the past three months, we are still serving the society as selflessly as can possibly be achieved by someone who sacrificially names his community-serving blog after himself.

After expert analysis by internal and external auditors (focus groups featuring many Jill Civics, who left satisfied that I was indeed, the owner of a long, proud and hard heritage, plus Professor Emeritus Littel Birdanathan, multiple Phd and Academy Award winner), it has been discovered that Potshots' shots at pots have become fewer and further between as time has gone by in bygone times.

What once used to come more often a pubescent boy with his first Playboy magazine, has slowed down to the frequency with which the Morning Crew manage to be funny.

After in-depth studies, running of experiments and the bulls, and also consultation with experts, both past and present via Ouija Board (Elvis says hi), we have found the main source of this phenomenon.

It appears that due to unforeseen - and we speculate only that this is due to the circumcision of our eyelids - circumstances, Your One Trick Attack Dog Muggy Scumbag, Daft Oi, has found BETTER THINGS TO DO.

"Yes, it appears that Oi has discovered a whole lot of stuff more enjoyable than work. It is an unprecedented occurrence for someone as dedicated and patriotic as him. I am sure my colleagues at the Deparment of People-Do-The-Darndest-Thingsology will be interested in this case as it will give them a chance to hire several cute interns who will do anything for a good grade," commented Birdanathan.

What you'd do for these chips, is what an intern would do for an A, anytime.

Among the things that I have discovered of late, include;

1. Books.
Yes, as Potshots is always on the cutting edge of discovery, we have followed closely on the trail of the Gutenberg press and found this amazing thing bound together to provide hours and days of engrossing distraction that can be brought around with you. Amazing! Like this one book I'm reading now. It's about the church and Jesus and there's a woman named Mary Magdalene and secret orders and strange happenings and mystery and people dying. Yeah, they even made it into a movie because it sold so many copies. It's called the Bible.

If they are sold out of Bibles at your bookstore, a factually inaccurate but totally reliable alternative is available, until you rot in hell - or as it's otherwise known, Sentul.

2. World Cup.
As June 9 approaches, I too have been taken up in football fever, as part of this Football Mad Nation, although like so many other Malaysians, we're not sure exactly what we're supposed to be kicking, but we know that we're gonna kick it, kick it.

And just like the Great I Am, YHWH JFF sht-my-srnm's-ll-vwls, I have listened to my Muslims elderly (as in the Muslims I keep as slaves in my chicken farming enterprise and listening to them like an old fart), my Muslim neighbour from the old kampung, and my Muslim friends in Umno and PAS, even the cats on the street. When they told me that supporting anyone but Saudi Arabia would hurt their feelings, I lent them my listening ears at BLR with no collateral required. I don't doubt their feelings. They are, after all, my brothers, even though my mother has only been pregnant twice and I already have a younger sister. I don't and I won't play poker with the feelings of my Muslim brothers since gambling is haram. But maybe I can play solitaire by loading it into a computer that nobody knows who belongs TO IT.

They told me that many Malaysians had hurt their feelings by supporting England, whose national flag has a cross on it and their national pastime is drinking beer and eating bacon. They also like to swear with the name of Nabi Isa and that's very insensitive, even recognises that and they don't allow a good Muslim like Kanye West who says Allahu Akbar in a song to taint his passage into heaven and his 40-houri credit by uttering the name of Nabi Isa in vain.

There's also the Swedish people who have a cross and eat meatballs and sell expensively priced furniture, but most of all, Brazilian fans, whose amoral supporters tend to show off their tits instead of menutup aurat. And that's just the guys.

So it is that Saudi Arabia has my undying support despite the fact that I have no idea who any of their players are. But have no doubt - they are my brothers.

Not about to flash her puppies, anytime soon.

3. Drugs
Oh, better not say anything more if not I'll be recognised and honoured by the Malaysian AIDS Council (MAIDS)!

The foremost in MAIDS, until recently.

4. Sex
I've discovered this new thing, called sex, which is a term you enter into the search field of my premium partner Google to obtain lots of pictures of people in strange, strange scenarios. It appears to be some sort of wrestling, and I'm hooked, and the storylines are even better than the ones on WWE.

So, as to keep the sanctity and justice that only randomness rather than consistency can bring, Potshots has taken stock of where it has come and what can be expected in the future, and has come to the conclusion that we can all expect the unexpected.

Inconsistency, the bedrock of Malaysian blogging, for centuries.

So, with no further ado, I'm off to read about the World Cup and its history of drug abuse and hopefully have not and will not offend people of all religions, and Scientologists.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Aces Go Places

Salutations, my little underlingys, it's been quite a while. I have been occupied, the rain causing 50% of my creative synergy exercise team to slip-slide away on the Federal Highway while the other 50% had to contend with thievery and kindness out of the heart of Puchong. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's because my creativity is back. Scared or not?
Also we have lost half our broadband wireless interconnected unwired ethernet cable capacity National Broadband Plan content creation 3G system, which means no internet. Here is a diary of my situation for the past 15 days, marooned without internet.

Day 1: No internet.
Day 2: No internet.
Day 3-15: No internet.

I've had to resort to making this update from a little cybercafe where I have just pwned all the DoTA regulars with my l337 mighty orcish hero and his bull and those n00bs are now waiting outside with a length of pipe to teach me a lesson. I will simply pwn them all over again with my 2d20+7 Shield of Righteousness and 3d32-2 Sword of Fables, accompanied by my 34dd-26-32 wench.

But before that, I must speak to you of crookedness. It appears that the owner of Malaysia's own Obituary/Theatre Blog, Jeff Ooi, has taken sides with the Once & Former but Not Senior nor Mentor King of Malaysia, Tun Datuk Dr. Encik Saudara M the MahatheatreOperathingy. In his quest to achieve global domination and the painful, shark-related death of Mr. Bond, Dr. M once concocted an idea for a crooked bridge.

Muahahaha, in the midst of M for Mahakuasa's reign.

For those not in the Know, especially those who are on the verge of committing suicide outside its window, at the know-ledge...hehe... ok, where was I..., oh yeah, Tun Dr. M. has for many years been plagued by one of those boils on the backside that refuses to go away, you know the type. Oh, don't try to pretend, I know it's plaguing you with pain at this very moment. This boil is called Singapore.

Ouch, since 1963.

During his long Daulat Tuanku years, Tun Dr. M. for Maharaja (otherwise known as Kubang Pasu) devised plans to loosen Singapore's hold on his buttcheek, one of which was the construction of a bridge between Malaysia and Singapore. Ah, you ask, how could that possibly loosen the Singaporean's hold on anything? Well, this was to be half a bridge, no more and no less. Yes, a curvilinear, curvimagnificent, curviwonderful, curvicurvy bridge that would curve in a curvy arc to join the outdated causeway neatly at the half-way point. In this way, the will of the evil boil would be thwarted! Did they really want a causeway?! A glorified mound of earth heaped into the sea?! They could KEEP it! Malaysia's half-amazing half-bridge would halve their stubbornness down the middle as if cleaved by the razor sharp samurai sword of ironic justice itself!
Yes, it would cost an assload more than a normal bridge, and yes, it would negate much of our chances of getting Singapore to agree to a bridge on their half, since theirs would be similarly overpriced and The Great & Terrible Monster Mentor who leads that nation hates, I say hates, paying extra for anything. But the important thing was that the will of Kubang Pasu would be seen to!

Evil geniuses just get funnier, everyday.

Then something unfortunate happened. A new government came in, and as reported by one of our Little Earthworms in High Places, this conversation took place in Putrajaya between an advisero and the new Optimus Prime Minister, Abdullus Primawi.

Advisero: Good morning, sir.
Kepala Batas: Gooooooood morning! Waoweee I'm feeling f**g*ing cuh-razeee today!!! Oh yeah, baby!!!!
Advisero (emptying half a bottle of Valium into a pot): Then you haven't had your daily tea, sir.
Kepala Batas: Oh ahm a f**g**m**j**ing par-tay animulllll! Oh Yeaow!!! (sips tea and clears throat) Ah. Yes. Sorry about that. (Sits for a while, smiling, blinking, looking generally bovine) So, umm, what do you have for me today?
Advisero: We've got the matter of this scenic bridge project, sir, which is about to commence piling work, and we need to-
Kepala Batas: Um...hang on a minute...let me have a look at those plans. (Scrutinises) We' this thing?
Advisero: Why certainly, sir.
Kepala Batas: Well, what the f**x* for? Oh, whoops. (Sips tea, pauses again for five minutes, staring into space and smiling) Yes, I was saying. Um. Why lah this bridge?

Keeping our country aman dan damai, for generations to come.

And with that, the news was out: Putrajaya reported to Jalan Riong, who, along with Phileo Damansara, reported to the general public that the planned bridge would be halted in its tracks, as if it were a thing on tracks. It must be noted that no conclusive proof could be assembled by my team of researchers to show that Phileo Damansara did in fact report on this issue, because we all couldn't be bothered to search between the ads, and in any case were waylaid by one ad on page three for really special offers at Metrojaya for the summer. Anyway after Jalan Riong reported it, it was only a matter of time before USJ weighed in on the matter, and this is where I found myself shocked - he was actually coming in in support of Kubang Pasu, someone he had previously expressed much disapproval of but now, in light of Kepala Batas' latest announcements, he was suddenly throwing his physical and metaphorical weight behind.

USJ postulated a post about how Kubang Pasu blazed in with a 16-point hit-back, which contained such gems as: it was clear and recorded in writing that I proposed to build a bridge on the Malaysian side and the Singapore PM accepted it. Thus a unilateral decision became bilateral when Singapore acceded and accepted. Any change must similarly be agreed to by both sides.
This explains, clearly, why back in his day Kubang Pasu decided to build half a bridge instead of a full bridge - he must have had a hell of a deal with the Singaporeans, huh? I mean, because he had a deal that's why the Singaporeans said 'no deal' later, right? But nevermind, we have confirmation that Kubang Pasu is telling the truth - he actually made a deal to build half a bridge, as this transcript from a top-secret Little Moleworm, who was burrowed nearby a meeting between the Singaporean and Malaysian rulers back in the day, shows.

Kubang Pasu: One more thing, Monstermentor.
Monster Mentor: Ya what?
Kubang Pasu: We need to talk about building a bridge to replace that much-overused causeway.
Mister Menstrual: No way lah flen.
Kubang Pasu: Ahaha, if you do not make a deal, I will build half a bridge on my side and join it up with the causeway! It will cost more and be really silly and an eyesore, but I will build it - why? Because I can.
Man's Tormentor: Hahhaha...that's a belly good wan, my flen - go ahead lah, buildbuild.
Kubang Pasu: We have a deal, then? I will build my half a bridge?
Minstral's Mental: HAAAAHahahahaha....yeah sure. Half a blidj. Go ahead lah flen, HAAAHhahahaa you make me laf so lowd, belly funny loh.

You may have been misled by Jalan Riong to think that Kubang Pasu had a deal with the Sensitive Spinster Moh Chiok Tongs but that, like many teenage pregnancies, is just a misconception. Although, once you think about it, the Monster Magnate/Senor Miguel/Promo Mambo government figurehead is one and the same-la. Kind of like another Trinity that people worship with incomprehensible faith and/or fear.

The testimony of an expert, however, has led us to believe that Kubang Pasu had more nefarious plans in mind when he started this whole half-bridge thing. He wanted to rid himself of the boil on his bum by blowing it away!

"Just imagine it," says Littel Birdanathan, Professori of Political Shit & Stuff at the University of Eyesore, India, "Malaysia cannot link the new half-bridge to Singapore's half-causeway without Singapore's permission. Singapore gives not this permission. One morning, preferably Saturday, the bridge will be completed anyway and Malaysia's half of the causeway detonated. Imagine the chaos when all the Singaporean cars coming across the causeway expecting to get into Malaysia end up falling into the straits! And once the Singaporeans in front of the queue start falling in, the ones in the back will think it's cool and start doing it too, to avoid falling out of line with the rest of the crowd! It is no less than an act of war!"

Warrrrrrr, soon.

Even USJ has been supporting this plan for war, as orchestrated by Kubang Pasu. In a post about those tong t-tong tong tongs, he reports on comments by Singaporean Senile Sinister Moh Chiok Tongs, who said: Economic union is possible only between two countries of equals, otherwise it is not possible, thus implying that Malaysia is not Singapore's equal. Infuriated, USJ said Malaysia should have recalled our High Commissioner to get a reality check of our international standing in the eyes of our immediate neighbour! The only reason a nation would recall its High Commissioner would be because there's some serious bombanating in the pipeline! In the fracas nobody bothered to point out to USJ that we know the Singaporeans think they're better than us, but we don't really care. Just like we don't care about the bridge or the water or that rock in the middle of the sea. I mean, it may be bad to have a boil on your butt but can you imagine how horrid it must be to actually be the boil?

Singapore, truly Asia. The burping thing is a Singaporean, after dinner.

With that, we say, Praise the Lord, Amen. Stay away from the Da Vinci Code. Mona Lisa smiles like that because she wants to PWN your ass, n00b.