Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Pirated DVD, CD & VCD prices make like a cake and rise


The domino effect of rising petrol prices is already making itself felt like a steely fist firmly breaking the balls of the nation. Respected and well-informed analysts have already theorised, or hypothesised, or perhaps stated the frickin' obvious, that the rise in petrol prices will result in a rise in transport costs. However, the rise has brought down to earth from a great height - both sequentially, consequentially and conversely - with a crash some unexpected dominoes too.

In our dreams, last night.

"I was so shocked by last midnight's sudden price rise that I decided to go and buy myself some nice movies to cheer me up", says Consultant Executive Manager, Burong bin Hj. Kechil, "But then my local DVD taukeh told me that all his products were up by RM0.10. I asked him why, and he said because of the petrol prices."

The increases in the price of bootleg optical discs appear to have taken place across the industry, with news coming in from as far away as Kajang that night markets are now the scene of disgruntled consumers, frowns etched upon their faces, wallets filled only with dust. The rise has even affected fair visitors to our darkened land.

"I was actually hoping to load up on some cheap CDs before heading home," says Executive Management Consultant Brad Litleit, "Except at midnight, just as I was about to hand over the cash, the guy grabs my stuff back from me and, like, puts up all these new signs with new prices on them. I asked him why, but he was just like, 'you dirty George Bush you only make the petrol always going up', or something."

Here at Potshots, I believe in debunking things and people, which is why I set out to prove these sockankle's claims wrong by calculating the exact price rise that ought to take place for each optical disc, factoring in the RM0.30 per litre rise in petrol, the weight of the discs, the consumption figures of Nissan Vanettes, the phone numbers of several attractive women and the vagaries of perception. Unfortunately I ran up against some mathematics, which forced me to abandon my efforts - but not before a new lead had come to light.

"This rise in the price of shoefoot discs has taken place not because sneakerknees are spending more to transport their goods", explained a diminutive, feathery industry insider, "It's occurred because the price of petrol, the raw material used in the production of their sandaltoe discs, has risen."

A Google image search for 'petrol' turned this up, so I guess Google can predict the future, seven seconds ago.

This was verified when Potshots conducted a stakeout-cum-spotcheck at a major petrol station near a bar somewhere, and found long queues of mocassinheels waiting at the pumps to fill up cans with petrol, presumably to be taken to their factories and made into discs. Risking physical harm to my person I approached them for comments, but they ganged up on me, threatened me with the ISA (Intense & Severe Asskicking). I refused to back down, knowing that harm to life and limb is a worthwhile risk in my constant crusade to defend my readers' right to read what I say.
So intimidated were they by the force of my self-righteousness that they upped and fled in a Nissan Vanette. Unfortunately, I have not been able to reach them for further comments, although I did contact a professor of chemopetrology with a very long beard from one of the top 1,000,000,000 universities in the world, to ask him about this nefarious scheme of turning fuel at the pumps into copies of Brokeback Mountain.

"I don't really have any idea what you're talking about (because I'm a stupiddy-stu)", he said, "Compact discs are made of polycarbonates (like my mother), which are in turn made from Bisphenol A (I wear girl's clothes), and petrol at the pump has no Bisphenol A in it(bla bla bla bla, why won't I stop somebody shoot me)."***

In other news, the Malaysia of the Moment reports that the petrol price hike has in fact "set opposition members ablaze", which seems like a huge waste of petrol to me. I mean, that's at least a few hundred copies of Capote right there.

As always, Potshots, first to the scoop that scoops the ice-cream into your Earthquake at Swensen's. That's a big scoop, y'all.

***My Parenthesis, this is my blog dammit.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Jeff Ooi disappears from the face of the blogosphereoblogo.

For the past 48 hours, the nation's Sceptre and Marching Band Baton of Free Speech, Screenshots has been down.
Some avid netizens claim that it has been up and down, whilst others still say that it's only ever been a downer.
Reports from the most current version of Malaysia say that the site has been under siege from distributed denial-of-service (DDoS).
Most observers don't quite get what the fuss is all about, given that most Malaysians are used to being denied any form of service.
Meanwhile, in a strange sequence of non-events, even Potshots has come under siege as one local blogger made a claim that has no source attributable to a reputable person, in saying that "Its postings obviously have one aim - to undermine Jeff’s credibility."
The blog also calls author Daft Oi's name, flippant and Oi is personally outraged that his mother has been slighted in such a way.
"My mother took great pains in coming up with a name that was individual and would portent my fate as Malaysia's voice of reason and democracy," said the blogger behind a mist of tears.
The blog however continues by saying that, "I must say it’s rather well written with a cheeky flair, though it's just a one-issue blog. Now, this seems to be a more intellectual approach than the DDoS."
Potshots is now considering legal action at being called one-issue, since it is interested in attacking all forms of media, from newspapers to blogs to the missing persons' ad on breakfast cereal boxes.
Further to that, one of the commentors on said post remarked,
"That Daft Oi is a pathetic opportunisitic prick."

Daft Oi would like to clarify that it is no sort of -sitic except for parasitic and it takes offence at being called pathetic when it is obviously apathetic. Everything else is fine.

A prick, this evening.

Most of all, Daft Oi would like to add a disclaimer that there are no guarantees that any sort of intellectual approach is to be expected from him.
In unrelated news, Maxis denies that any service has been denied, let alone those that are distributed. Once again, this is Potshots, working terribly hard to bring you all the news of tomorrow, yesterday.

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Potshots now actively looking to whore itself.

While such allegations may have plagued this radical news site before, Potshots is now making honest men out of scandalous liars, to show its goodwill to its brotherhood of mysogynistic bloggers, and a flirting bat of the eye to the lovely hos of the blogosphere.
Link exchanges are actively being sought as Potshots looks to spread its circulation far and wide in a bid to bring about social change.
"Malaysia is my country. I want it better for my kids. For Malaysia and for my kids, I shall soldier on," Daft Oi, creator of Potshots was quoted this evening.
Citing such media as the Star, the NST and the New York Times as having shoddy coverage of Malaysian news and trends, Oi vowed to keep on blogging to ensure that Malaysians all around the world have the opportunity to tune in to the latest and greatest in postmodern commentary on our beloved land of Minum Milo.

For that great chocolate-y taste, Milo, as at publishing time, is available in all good stores.

All webmasters, bloggers, pundits and hotties are invited to leave a comment to initiate a link exchange and in the case of the latter, telephone numbers.

Both NST and Jeff Ooi in hotsoup as NGOs protest.

Amidst revelations that at least one Little Bird has been used by the Rolling Stone That Gathers No Moss of Journalism, Jeff Ooi to collect data for his blog, several NGOs have voiced out in protest over this ill treatment of cute, feathery, animals. Once again, Potshots beats all other media to the scoop.
"It has come as a shock to us that such a paragon of truth, liberty and freedom has been enslaving such poor creatures for such self-serving purposes," said a PETA spokesbeing today.
The Creature of Communication representing the SPCA also said today that it mattered not that the Birds in question were acting out of free will, since it was obvious that Avian Stockholm Syndrome had made these birds behave neurotically.
Meanwhile, consumer associations such as CAP have voiced out their concern that NST has been a nesting ground for birds given the current bird flu breakout.

A dead bird on the ground refuses to comment, this afternoon.

"The consumer has the right to such information concerning a product which comes into contact with the human skin and even nasi lemak on such a regular basis," said an uber consumer this afternoon.
Representatives from NST however, denied allegations that birds of any sort were under their employ.
"Frankly, I am terrified of anything furry or feathery and would long have quit if such a thing were true," said the Queen of the Fucking Universe and Editor of Life & Times, Joanne Low.
Ooi himself refused to comment on the issue, preferring to point to the adage that "Might is Right".

When reached, Maxis stated emphatically that they have never used any birds to send any sort of messages since they began operations.
"Yes, we understand that people are amazed that MMSes can move through thin air but the secret does not lie in messenger birds. Nor have we leased any of these birds into the service of Jeff Ooi."

NST guilty of shoddy journalism - Little Bird

A Little Bird is not happy with the current standards of journalism practised in Malaysia. At a press conference called today the Bird, one of many who claim to be in communication with the National Free Speaker Jeff Ooi, voiced particular disapproval of "opaque and even downright negligent source-citing, which makes it impossible to tell if the story has any credibility or not." The Bird's ire was directed specifically towards one story in particular, which appeared in the NST on Feb. 25, with the headline "Police to probe blogger Jeff Ooi."

Jeff Ooi himself had expressed outrage at the story's lack of sources, and asserted on his blog that "This story breaks the cardinal rule of good journalism. There is no source attributable to a reliable spokesperson."

There was some confusion over the second of the abovementioned sentences, since by all accounts it can be interpreted as "There is no source attributable to a reliable source." At the time of posting no sense could be made of this. The Little Bird, however, insisted that trying to make sense of it is "besides the point."

"I'm behind Jeff 110% on this issue," said the Little Bird, "Especially since he has set such high standards for journalism by constantly citing myself and my avian brethren, widely known to be the most reliable spokespeople to whom leads should be attributed. I'm not sure what he meant by this being a 'cardinal rule', though, since I am in fact a finch."

A cardinal.

A finch.

When reached for comment, a Maxis spokesperson said, "Frankly, I'm not sure what this has to do with us at all." Upon further investigation, though, it was revealed that Maxis refused to provide telephony services to the Little Bird on grounds that a nest cannot be accepted as a billing address.

"Those guys think they can treat people like dirt just because we're not actually people, strictly speaking, but Little Birds," said the Little Bird, "Well they won't be laughing so loudly when they find out what juicy news I've got for Jeff next. Cheep cheep."

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Shocking activity for Jalan Tandok counter

At the end of today's movements, no analyst has yet been able to explain the sudden and rigorous activity on the Jalan Tandok counter at the IQ Average Exchange today.
The average of 100 dropped suddenly this afternoon by 50 points for a half hour period and suddenly recovered to normal, as if nothing had been the matter at all.
Eyewitness reports say that at about 2.45pm today, a crowd of people began forming along Jalan Tandok shouting inanities such as, "Mana engkau, Brendan Pereira? Kamu pengecut!" and "Tidak! Kami VUDUVUDUVUDUVUDUVUDU!!!"
At about 3.05pm however, it was revealed that a police helicopter had been swiftly despatched to check out on any emergency and may have been the source of the VUDU sound instead of the crowd of people. A good job by the police in dismissing the incident later as mere handbags and skullcaps.
However, it has still not reached a conclusive consensus as to whether the drop in IQ Average Index for Jalan Tandok was the cause or result of the crowd of people who held up unexplainable banners such as "NST Agen Singapura?"
This exclusive picture was delivered to Potshots by a Little Bard who sang a song of sixpence and was duly paid 50 sen in accordance with current FOREX rates.

In related news, the IQ Average of the nearby Jalan Riong also suffered a slight drop at roughly the same times. Eyewitness reports claim that hundreds of workers in the area gathered around their carpark to watch little objects on Jalan Tandok no bigger than the size of cincaluk in their palms. Incredibly, none faced any disciplinary action from their employers.

However, one analyst on the blog of the Pothole and Speed Bump Against UMNO-led hegemony, Jeff Ooi, offered an explanation that made at least enough sense to be consistent with the goings-on of the day (close to none), saying, "Holy madnes! Ini tak masuk akal langsung! When you've done something wrong, you still want to blame the ones that pointing out your wrong doing? So vindictive! NST, so low IQ!"

If NST, the daring tabloid, is to blame, then surely the government must take action for destabilising the safety and peace of the IQ Average Exchange. At least a two-week crash course at MENSA is to be called for in an emergency meeting of cabinet ministers today.

Meanwhile, should any whistle-blowers wish to step forward to provide further evidence against NST or any other parties, Ooi's totally well-meaning and "no shit, Sherlock" advice was to,"Just be mindful. Often times, the Messenger gets killed, the original issue thwarted. Might is Right."

Right. Once again, Potshots first to the news and blogging relentlessly for the public good of Malaysia for TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS. This is all Maxis' fault.

edit: due to overwhelming request, we bring you this closeup of the placards held up by the flash mob who gathered at Jalan Tandok yesterday. Once again, Potshots, bringing you all the news that I want to bring to you.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Spate of cartoons not funny, says the humour police.

Former Umno president Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad said today that the editor of The NST should be suspended for "two to three months" for publishing twice a comic strip linked to the controversy over the Prophet Muhammad caricatures.

"Although the original caricatures were not funny, at least Wiley Miller's effort was. But the second time around, it just wasn't as funny. If the newspaper is not suspended, the editor should be suspended. Because one can see that when it is reprinted one doesn't laugh as hard" said Mahathir in a Bernama story.

In a sentiment echoing the former premier's statement, the Lord President of Free Speech, Jeff Ooi, spent a minute or two to construct one helluva sentence.

"It looks like a matter of household delinquency for Umno that, if left unresolved, will negatively impact the party president and his deputy, both sequentially and consequentially, and even conversely. That will not be good for the whole country."

Meaning, in a wild moment of double-think, Ooi has decreed that when a national newspaper tries to break free of the hand that holds its leash, it is bad news for the country where he alone must be the sole possessor of freedom of the press.

Holding his laptop for safety, Ooi has already in the past few days, condemned the NST for "bringing the Prophet to the profane, street-level" when everyone knows that only Ooi has street cred, having kept it real for ages by working for a former NST GEIC.

Potshots beats all other media to this news. Meanwhile, Maxis could not be reached for comment on their role in this plague against all who hold comic strips dear to their heart.