Thursday, August 31, 2006

Hidup itu!! Hidup ini!!! Hidup sana!!! Hidup sini!!! Run around naked ever'body!!!

Greetings, my mini-patriot followers of my large, pillar-like patriotism. It's MERDEKA, boys and girls, and therefore all other inactivity in the Potshots offices has been put on hold to celebrate this greatly great day of the great.

YOU-ESS-AY! YOU-ESS-AY! YOU-ESS..oh, wait, just a second.

Just as the Big Boss of all that is Jeff-y, Ooi-ish, Jeff-esque and Ooi-like, Jeff Ooi, has celebrated in tandem with Perodua, the Japanese car company that for some reason believes itself to be Malaysian, we too have found a corporate partner for our little freedom hoedown. This being and its deejays - specifically JJ and Rudy, a dynamique duo who really know how to get a hoedown going or, of course, a ho going down. Hurh Hurh.

Rudy saying, 'Hey baby, do you see this Adidas right here?", pretty much each weekend.

JJ saying, 'No really, baby, if you want to help the Merdeka Man you should follow me upstairs," just as often.

Anyway, between brilliantly-conceived bouts of pretending to be funny and stealing Chuck Norris facts to donate to Jackie Chan and act as if they created them all along, these guys have come up with a way to test the patriotism and helpfulness of Malaysians, qualities we know come in surplus supply from the grand people of our nation, right? Don't answer that. Anyway in a repeat of a stunt they pulled last year, they dressed up this ethnic-looking guy in a Hitz t-shirt, with a cap and some sort of patriotic flag, to travel across the entire country on the back of other people's favours and aid.

The Merdeka Matcha! Is he buying something for himself? For a poor person? Or is he simply shoplifting his ethnic ass off? We'll only know when the cops get back to us in, a long time.

This is, of course, a brilliant plan - pick this large ethnic-looking bruvva and see if people will help him, rather than running in the opposite direction because they think that he's going to mug them with his mighty bodily hair. People will get a chance to be selflessly generous, and receive nothing, nothing at all for their efforts - except of course the possibility of being mentioned on the radio and interviewed and put in an online photo gallery and have your coolness certified by JJ and Rudy and then be generally admired for your generosity. In the meantime, the meal you bought for Merdeka Man could have been given to someone who hasn't had a meal in a while, or perhaps the time you spent treating the guy to a teh limau could have been used to fly to Lebanon and perform some much-needed amputations or to set up a hard-hitting, award-winning, globally-recognised social commentary blog which will pale in comparison to my own.

You could be like this guy and set up a blog that shamelessly apes my own, sometime soon.

I find this a totally commendable endeavour on the part of Hitz, and it's wonderful how they managed to get their logo and brand name all the way out there amongst the Malaysian flag, the patriotism and the general good-feeling. As Judy and RR said, you've got to support Merdeka Man, if not you're not patriotic! Help disseminate Hitz's brand name to the few who still have not been subjected to it like some form of Mongolian torture, and you're being patriotic! Do us some branding favours, make us some money, and you're a good citizen!

An unpatriotic Jeff, turning a blind eye to the plight of the Merdeka Matcha, on Merdeka Day.

Following their lead, we at Potshots are planning to rename ourselves Pot.shots and send out our own Big Ethnic Merdeka Matcha next year, and you have to help the bugger, because if not you're a dirty useless fler, who should balik Cina/India/Indonesia and go shack up with the natives because you think you're so fantastic, do you? Boy London indeed. Anyway this guy will be easily recognisable because he will be wearing a Potshots exclusive t-shirt. When you see him, there's no need to help him, just go out and call everyone you know and tell them to read Potshots, and also e-mail them the same. You will be heartily congratulated by me here. Don't worry about our Merdeka Man, he actually doesn't need your help anyway, just like Hitz's, so you might as well save yourself the trouble. Majulah Radio Berformat Untuk Negara!

Haaa, barula betui - USA!!! USA!!! USA, FOREVER!!!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Local blogging infidel records lamest excuse ever

Deep in the bowels of the Malaysian Blogstronomic Passage, Daft Oi has been hauled up by the authorities for the heinous crime of not updating.
Officials from the BlogtropolisPolis from Bukit Laman say that they've already been in contact with the Attorney General, Suanie Specific and are ready with an arrest warrant.

Specific and Bukit Laman officials coming to an agreement. Two glasses means "let's sic 'em, boys!", close to a wormhole, where time fades into oblivion, about five minutes ago.

Datin Seri Patik Tengku Specific was seen leaving a meeting place in the recent meta space-time continuum, probably after having settlement talks with representatives of Daft Oi, to see if the case could be settled out of court.
"I pleaded with them, 'Update-la! So many people know about you and read your blog, but you don't update often enough' I told them. But all they gave me was empty promises and excuses about how their Little Earthworms have been thwarted by faceless enemies, resulting in badly researched information. And my dog ate my harddrive.
"So, I have no choice but to charge them under Section PaulPeterKinkyBrandJeffLainieRockyAiseh!, for the crime of Updatus Interruptus, which is akin to blasphemy against Nature and the way God meant all things to work."
Jill Civic VTEC was reached for comment, and through the mist of tears, managed to blurt out that, "I kept chiding him, 'Got time to have beers but no time to update-la!' before being promptly slapped and left on the streets of Philadelphia as he stormed off. Daft, wherever you are, I'm sorry!"

Jill encountered a truly horrible sight, when Daft left her.

Oi has been in the middle of a daring attack on MonsterBlog, the blatantly rubbish musings of some retard, some fairy, some cartoon, and various stupid women when his entires suddenly dried up. Insider info states that content is being built-up to trash all that rubbish, so that it can be shown for the garbage that it is and people can refuse to read that wasteful crap.

When cornered in Starhill's amazing toilet, Oi's only comment, disseminated via methods not usually used by semen, was that "Eh, Siti's getting married!" before dashing into the Matrix joining up with the Ritz-Carlton and disappearing without a trace.

Most observers however, retorted that they'd prefer to watch something slightly less virginal and have suggested that Daft Oi point towards the kinky romance between Raja Di Subang Jeff Ooi and Putera Sumbang Oon Yeoh 'chatting up' Steven Gan in what promises to be a steamy threesome.

Oh, God, please no, ever.

No relevant comment was available from Maxis, who promptly told reporters to "use your God-damned brains". Time to change, and not your Hotlink logo either.

"We'll make the 'i' in lowercase, it'll be original and shit!" said Ananda Krishnan's five-year-old nephew, in kindergarden before the school holidays.