Thursday, March 30, 2006

Who To Make Fun Of... a lesson by Jeff Ooi

It's not often that Daft Oi can be taught anything, either because he knows so much already or because he's too Daft.
And that opening sentence was not really meant to tickle the funny bone, but to illustrate how some humour may be used safely. Making fun of yourself is always perfectly fine.
And that previous sentence, was used to illustrate what I learnt from Malaysia's pre-Eminem blogger/podcaster/videocaster/spellcaster/rollercoaster/tigerpoacher Jeff Ooi. That you should always be unfunny in your first sentence and then proceed to be a complete parody of yourself or if you must, make fun of people who don't exist.

Another specimen, from the preEminem days.

Yes, clever. Pandai, sepandai kancil, and not just the Perodua kind, which is only smart like you, which, if you're a Screenshot reader, is well above your peer average, the kanak-kanak Tadika Montessori. By making fun of people who don't exist, you can elicit a few laughs, even if they're just awkward or charitable, with no chance at all of any repercussions.

An example of a form of repercussion, around the time Hitler lost Berlin.

Unlike the idiocy of a person who was genuinely funny, that is Wiley E. Coyote of Non Sequitur fame, who incidentally, has reappeared in the NST, now that people who I shall refrain from making fun of, have gone back home to be with their loving families and high petrol prices. He decided to make fun of people who actually existed, that is, people who were making a mountain out of some kuaci shells.

We are family, every week.

Ah, but Si Ooi jumps on the crocodiles backs safely across the river by insulting... Jews instead! Haha, how original! I mean, who makes Catholic jokes anymore? They're so dated. Make fun of the Jews, instead. After all, they don't exist, that nonexistent race of people who are causing a nonexistent and perpetual state of nonexistent war in the Middle East. And they sure as heck don't exist in a country full of people with loving families and high petrol prices! And let's make fun of a nonexistent ritual they have that is only practiced by these same people who fill our country and have loving families and high petrol prices. And nobody will be offended!

Does not exist, yesterday, today, forever.

And then, he bemoans, mockingly, the dearth of an endangered species in our home country, i.e., e.i.e.i.o, good men. Think about it for a moment. Not too long though, or you'd have wasted your time. He's making fun of the fact that what? You got it, that some people who don't exist, DON'T EXIST! Well, close enough, at least. If there are only a few of them, like for example, people who still worship the Goddess Kali, or in fact, someone whose name contains those two syllables, then they don't really count! Brilliant! Si Ooi is funnier than Robin Williams, Russell Peters and George Bush combined!

Hah! Jeff is funnier than you, will ever be.

In other news though, if people do exist, you must clamp down hard on the fact that they are successful. DIGI is fighting the pricing war against Maxis and meanwhile, Ooi is chipping in with some rhetoric that all Maxis subscribers will annoyingly ignore because as Screenshots readers point out, people love their service provider for whatever crap they give you, anyway!

And I guess the previous paragraph explains this entire blog. Yes, aku jeles of anybody who is successful... just like everybody else. This has been Potshots, once again, making fun of your eight-legged, quadruple-titted aunty, who of course, doesn't exist.

Yes, I am jealous of the everpopular Simpsons, but since they don't exist... HAHA! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE FIVE FINGERS LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE, for as long as Matt Groening owns you.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Police Academy 200

Last week saw the passing of the 199th anniversary of the Malaysian dePolice Royale even though it didn't have any eyes. Or noses to smell our water, or ears to hear the stupid way that the Morning Crew plagiarised Chuck Norris facts and pretended to be original by replacing Chuck Norris with Jackie Chan. Remember Jackie Chan? Yes, he still thinks he can fly. Chuck Norris meanwhile, sends everything else flying.
In the Newer and Straighter and Unseamed Times, Uncle, Pak Cik, Tuanku, Patik, Abang, Ah Kung Abdullah Badawi said to the only cute boys and girls in blue other than the Smurfs that criticism shows public cares.

Despite their courtesy campaign, no one in the police force has as yet, achieved Smurfette levels of adorabububububleness, 199 years on.

Because Daft Oi is a great patriot - not only because he carries a humongous missile wherever he goes - he too, is a caring citizen and would not miss such a change to show his utterly selfless caring, sharing and the One ring.

Daft Oi promises to protect you from Nazgul, forever.

As such, in view of what experts on the Potshots Dream Team predict must certainly be the 200th anniversary of our Please Force next year, we have compiled a short wishlist of criticisms, things we'd like to see changed by the time 2007 rolls by.

Peugeot has another kind of 2007 rolling by, probably by next year.

1. Let the criminals shoot the people. Your job is to save lives.

2. Let the Health Ministry handle exercising and medical checkups. You can solve crimes instead.

A regular Sherlock Holmes, missing from our police force, since 1807.

3. Speaking of crimes, how about stopping real criminals like thieves, murderers and rapists instead of drunkards, gamblers or highway speeders or plain innocents.

4. None of you are Grissom or Detective Vic Mackey. So quit it with that Edisi Siasat and Gerak Khas shit.

Another case for Edisi Siasat, same channel, same time.

5. How about getting to an emergency call in the same day for a change?

Just five. I'd have given you more but then there are others I must care for, which shall be heard in coming entries. Even though you'd actually have to read instead of hear it. Potshots, your Gunung Kinabalu of proud patriotism, signing out, like a baseball umpire.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Who are you and what have you done with the real Jeff Ooi?

It is not often that Daft Oi's mighty intellect is perplexed. The last time it happened was when I discovered quantum physics... or was it when I couldn't find my keys...

But recent reports that I have gathered from my deeply rooted Little Earthworms have pointed to a disturbing fact. That The Coolest Cucumber in the Nasi Lemak That Is The Malaysian BlogoFoodoCourto, Jeff Ooi, has turned into the uncoolest Tech Geek in the World!

Just like the cucumber, the aubergine is another fruit often mistaken for a vegetable, since caveman times.

And how has this metamorphosis happened? How did this transformation transpire? What devilish form of transmogrification has Ooi undergone? Were any children hurt in the process? Who knows, save God and Wikipedia and even then, these are not as reliable sources as the little animals that have become the standard bearers of the unquestionable truth, so help me God.

Artist depiction of Ooi's current state, kini.

What we do know, is that all this occured very shortly after Ooi took Flight SQ-U@R3 to America. The team at Potshots Sdn Bhd Corporation Limited Foundation Institute have come up with several theories. After a lot of ROFLMAO, one theory stood the test of the giggles and it is that AMERICA HAS STOLEN HIS SOUL!
Yes, that bitch of a country, that Jezebel, that Succubus of nations, has seduced our champion of Selflessness in Times of Self-Promotion, has sucked the very light of life from his heart and turned him into a gibberish (Buzzwords: Mobility, Innovation, and Day-to-Day Problem-solving)-spouting Techie.

Chairman ROFL MAO says that's funny shit, during the revolution.

And what evidence do we have to support this theory? Well, there was the sudden post on material that kept him warm through his youth, and performing through his old age, displaying how that land of sin has corrupted his mind whilst reversing his memories so as to reconstruct his adulthood.
Secondly, those listening in to the thundering hooves of buffalo at the grassroots with Chief Shitting Bull will know that on numerous occasions, visitors to America have found themselves being changed utterly!

Otterly and utterly are quite different. Same as how augur and auger are quite different, since dictionaries were first published.

I present, exhibit A - Coming To America, where an African prince goes to Queens, New York City to find a wife... Queens, hehe, how punny. But what happens by the end of the movie? Nigger's changed, man!

The Nutty Professor was in fact, quite chocolate-y, back when he was still a prince.

Exhibit B, Shanghai Noon where a Chinese secret agent goes to America to save his princess and becomes... a cowboy! Wah lan eh!

Jackie Chan still thinks the Lone Ranger has powers of flight, til today.

However, there is yet still hope that some remnant of Ooi remains in his disfigured figure, that isn't like a Coke bottle or an hourglass. That remnant is of his signature cutting and visionary perception. Able to cut through the fogs of rationality and proper consideration to spout such gems of diamond-like fruit-slicing abilities as "For want of better word, it's mind-boggling. Awesome even.", "No title a.k.a. Fed-up" (where he expresses his views on a new product called difficulty login, one can only presume it's a security measure, since it's hampering his "user experience" as a Malaysian blogger, and we all know what a dangerous man he is - such a threat to security that he picks up chicks with sexy-as-cold-fungus lines as "you do realise that after meeting me, you may end up on a blacklist?" - cue James Bond music) and "Have alternative browsers Firefox and Safari threatened IE’s dominance? No. As far as user traffic log can tell, IE still remains the browser of choice for more than 65% among Screenshots readers." (yes, Screenshots, which takes up 86.547% of the Internet with its bazillion teracotta bytes of broadband content for the national broandband plan daily, nevermind that we haven't been careful enough to factor in that Screenshots readers tend to speak in a language that consists only of the syllable "baa").

Imagine gajillions of these oozing out of the pores of Screenshots, daily.

So, mothers, tuck your children in safe tonight becuase your hopes of running away with the sexbomb that is Jeff Ooi has not yet totally been extinguished like a candle in the wind that Ooi breaks. Rioters, have no fear, Ooi may yet incite you to greater and bigger things, such as issues that concern all Malaysians, not just those who have no sense of humour or can't pay for your petrol.

Their issue, is that you can't buy them love, back in the 60s.

This has been Potshots, carrying the torch that is made by Maglite that is heavy enough to bust your skull. Bring it.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Jeff Ooi offering free tickets to see 'V for Vendetta'!

By shaving herself bald for a leading role, Natalie Portman is even more hotterer (terer - haha, so punny!) than ever before. However, The Masked Man Of Free Speech Who Wears An Ultraman Mask, Jeff Ooi, didn't notice this, since he must have been stunned by Portman's latest film, V for Vendetta.

As he wrote in a recent post, "The movie's title hit me smacked in the face." What this means is unclear due to the curious tenses, although a Diminutive Earthworm informed me that the sentence is accurate, for the word 'hit' is rhetorical, referring to the emoto-spritual impact that reading the words V for Vendetta had on our man Jeff, whereas the word 'smacked' refers to the smacking that he had received from his aunty immediately prior to reading the title. Thus he was in a smacked state when the title hit him, although it is unclear whether the movie hit him in the face where he had been smacked, or whether his aunty had smacked him on his bottom as is usual, and it was only the movie that impacted his visage.

In what is a curious and unprecedented turn of events, unlike all of Giancarlo Fisichella's turns last weekend, it appears Ooi actually likes this movie - it has been previously posited that Ooi, being a cyborg, doesn't like anything - although whether he is capable of understanding it is a different matter altogether.

"Jeff Ooi?! Jeff Ooi is a sluggardly buffoon from the depths of the online garbage heap," exclaimed V for Vendetta author Alan Moore upon being harassed for comment, "He can't understand my work! Nobody understands my work! Nobody who hasn't a beard like mine could ever fail to understand what I'm not trying to avoid saying with my work!"

More likely to be grown by Jeff Ooi's aunty than himself, after a five o'clock shadow.

But what's going on here, actually? Does Ooi believe himself to be the verbose masked avenger from the film, known only as V? Could he possibly truly be V? And if he is V or even believes so, then does he have a vendetta like the hero of said film? Is he backtracking on the times when he said, "What Vendetta?" Such things must be left to my Little Earthworms, who first uncovered the fact that Ooi believes there are certain poetic parallels between his own story and that of the movie.

"Recently, during the time when The NST shot itself on the foot over some caricatures and got its first ever show-cause letter from the government but got away scot-free, this blogger was accused of conspiring with A. Kadir Jasin to wage a personal vendetta against the newspaper, an oxymoron that will fail in Critical Thinking 101 in a USM degree," he writes, appearing to invent a whole new, and as yet indeterminate, meaning for the word 'oxymoron.' It should be noted that it appears Ooi did in fact study at USM, in my eternal fandom I dug up the fact that he did take the Critical Thinking 101 course, where he performed the unprecedented feat of failing his lecturer and all his fellow students. Who cares if they never listened, eh Jeff? We know where right is, and it's not where might is, or perhaps it is.

The NST, post-cartoonania.

After a while staring at this post of his, though, I came to a conclusion that, so far, all my Earthworms have confirmed. This is that Jeff Ooi must be the very same V of V for Vendetta fame. Firstly, there are distinct parallels between the chilling grinning Guy Fawkes mask used by V and Ooi's own mask, which makes you wonder how hideously disfigured the man must be underneath it.
Secondly, Ooi is a freedom fighter, as we all know, and a trained commando schooled in the art of hand-to-hand knife combat. Are you scared yet? You should be. Because if Ooi is V, only one earth-shattering conclusion remains - Ooi wants to blow up the houses of parliament.

Who will save us... now?

"I don't vish for any such violence," he said when asked for comment, "Verily, I do vouchsafe that I am very, very, very, very, very in vogue and vould valiantly vatch our vanguard from the vicious voodoo that vacantly vallows in our vaters, until ven I can be windicated, er, I mean vindicated."

In a mirror of the movie posters showing an army of supporters coming out wearing Guy Fawkes masks for V, Ooi's own militia have already started trying to copy his newfound linguistic habits, although with somewhat less satisfactory results, such as this:
"Gosh, V'm vurprised vit vis vot vanned vin Valaysia!" target=_blank People, I don't make this stuff up, seriously. Well, not all of it, honest.

However, the news that Jevv Vooi is V comes as small potatoes next to big-ass potatoes when compared to the news that he has offered to donate free movie tickets to some arguing people in order to let them watch the movie and, one can assume, they can realise how fantastic he is and how much he sounds like Hugo Weaving. If that isn't enough unexpected generosity, Ooi has offered "Another two free tickets if you wanna be the judge sitting among the two of them." Why someone would need two tickets to be the judge sitting between them remains to be seen, unless perhaps Ooi is expecting some really fat people who take up more than one cinema seat to be applying for these free tickets.
Who cares, anyway, this is an offer of a free movie and if you're smart you'll do as I have done and e-mail Ooi to redeem your two tickets immediately. No questions, no slogans, no catch! This certainly puts paid to my recent suggestion that Ooi is a tightwad - here, finally, are the reader freebies we have all eager awaited!
It is currently unclear, however, if these 'free' tickets are in fact 'free' in the traditional sense of the word, or 'free' in the sense of Ooi's 'free' speech, which is in fact not free but shackled permanently to something the experts refer to as 'stupidity'.

Potshots, once again, with the most up-to-date bollocks this side of its overuse in a movie.

Committees! Religionism! Bigfoot! The best in stale news!

So okay, Daft Oi has been away from some time and thus I've fallen behind on providing you, my faithful readerlings, with all the news that's fit to make you go 'what the hell is this guy on about anyway'.

Recently I updated you on the VSS (Voluntary Super Sweepstakes) that took place within the as-yet unlocated halls of The Blog That Just Keeps On Blogging. The Mahaswami Guruji-san of Free Love & Free Speech, Jeff Ooi, failed to entice any of his employees, namely himself, to leave, and this appears to have had adverse effects on his productivity.

Note exhibit 1. Ooi, previously revered as an authority on mathematics, appears to have lost his counting faculties. His increased workload and the failure of his VSS have resulted in a ton of work for him, each ton of work being equivalent to sucking forty Paddle Pops in 36 minutes. He pleads for aid in a post titled 'Help Me Count', where he tearfully admits to his readers, or at least the ones who know how to read, that "I have lost track of the spate of Cabinet committees formed since April 2004. Can you help me out on this?"

Not to worry Jeff, for I have laboured and struggled over the past few days, devoting my holiday hours to you and consulting several leading authorities at the National University of Singapore such as Uncle Kwai the cleaning guy. I've managed to enumerate the lengthy list that you so lovingly compiled on your site, a list of all the cabinet committees formed since two whole years ago. There are seven.

Anyway, this post on Committees actually hints at a solution to Ooi's debilitatingly Himalayan pile of work - the formation of Committees! Our experts all agree that not only would this Committee On Helping Jeff Count Stuff be advisable, but that it's already in the works, and in fact one of the members has already been selected.

An artist's rendition of the Committee going 'Alright, shouldn't someone have asked Jeff to buy more computers or something?", as soon as the man is outed as the cheapskate that he is. Where are the reader freebies, Jeff? They have been awaited, for so long now.

Note exhibit 1. In another not-so-recent post, Ooi quotes an endearingly-named blog, known simply as Aisehman. I guffawed upon hearing this name in my head as I was reading it, for it is a witty use of Malaysian slang, you see. Those of you who are not from Malaysia may be blinking stupidly now (only partly because you're stupid), but the explanation is simple - 'Aisehman' is a term a Malaysian would use to denote a certain ever-so-slightly melancholic sense of regret over opportunities lost to the irrevocable appendages of time, often accompanied by a slap to the forehead. I produce for the benefit of my comrades, colleagues and readers, some examples:
"Aisehman, if I had known it was your porridge I wouldn't have spat in it."
"Aisehman, why didn't you inform me that following your testicular cancer operation you have only 1 ball? Had I known, I would have kicked your backside instead."

Aisehman! - somewhat recently.

I believe quite strongly, following consultation with the constellations, that this Aisehman is the first Committee member for Helping Jeff Count Stuff. He's probably going to be a treasurer, as when in primary school I was class treasurer and I bought Paddle Pops with all the funds, using the phrase 'Aisehman' several times to cover my tracks.

Although he has yet to help Jeff actually count anything, Aisehman is well on the way to High Punditry, having recently stirred up a hornet's nest of bees by mentioning an article in the New, Newer, Newest, Newestest Straits Times regarding Mak Yong, a form of traditional hip-hop that is about to be banned by the fun and mental fundamentals up in Kelantan.

Aisehman posts a few contradictory arguments, pointless rhetorical flourishes and other things your momma warned you about, before concluding that the article should have been written by a Muslim instead of two non-Muslim members of NST's posse of hot newsroom centrefolds, since it is in fact about Islam. Um, or perhaps about Mak Yong. Which is in fact Malaysian, not Islamic. So should they send a journalist who is an expert on Mak Yong, perhaps a Mak Yong practitioner? But they'd have to hire one first. Perhaps they could just send a journalist who is actually from Kelantan?

But nooo...this issue touches ever-so-gently on Islam, which means only a Muslim can write about it. But then they say Mak Yong might have Hindu and Buddhist elements. So what we need is a committee of reporters, one Muslim, one Hindu, one Buddhist and one tri-religious Islamo-Buddho-Hindu Mak Yong practitioner from Kota Bahru, to write about this art form which in fact belongs exclusively to none of these religions but to Malaysia as a whole. But nevermind - anyone who wants to say anything about Islam has to be Muslim, because just as nobody but a Catholic could understand the senile mumblings of the late Pope John Paul II, so too can only a Muslim understand things like Mak Yong, which don't necessarily have anything to do with Islam but nevermind.

The real problem with Aisehman's comments is that they have ignited fury amongst Malaysia's minority Bigfoot population. The Bigfeet, who are currently being hunted down so that they can pay taxes and use tolled roads like the rest of us, have indicated in a press release that they refuse to communicate with anyone else who is not a Bigfoot like them, citing Aisehman's example and saying 'only we can understand us.'

You can have your picture taken with us, but you will never comprehend us! - back when Bigfeet and Man, and Woman too, lived in peace.

"We have been inspired by Aisehman's posting to come out and say that what the Johor government has done in stopping foreigners from coming to visit us is simply a half-measure; we demand that we only be contacted by journalists, scientists and forestry officials who are of our kind," states the release, delivered exclusively to Potshots and signed only with the print of a rather large foot, "If you want to explore issues closely related to Bigfeet, you must send Bigfoot reporters; otherwise, it won't matter if we make confusing statements about ourselves, it will be the reporter's fault for not having enough Bigfoot blood to fathom us. This is not to be called parochial or insular, for we are simply defending our right to be understood, and to avoid being misrepresented as we were in the article written by Rehman Rashid in the NST recently, where he masqueraded as one of us - he may be pretty damn huge but Rehman Rashid is not one of us, nor will he ever be."

Johor government officials are scrambling to locate an actual Bigfoot expert on Bigfeet Studies - it appears most of them did Film instead.

Meanwhile, Maxis denies any link to Ooi's failed VSS programme, uncategorically dismissing claims that it has ever offered free Hotlink reloads to employees of Screenshots.


In a move that is anything but self-serving since I am angling it in such a way that it seems totally selfless, something I learnt from the Genghis Khan of Blog de Malaysia, Jeff Ooi, I am volunteering myself to be the Monitoring & Coordinating Minister (MCM) to monitor and coordinate all the Committee meetings that might take place once Ooi recruits all his committee members to help him with his workload.
Let it never be said that I am not a teamplayer for whichever team I am on... won't somebody tell me?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Just like the Commonwealth Games, we're back

A-ha, you must've thought that you had finally rid yourself of the nagging conscience that is Daft Oi, that Potshots had disappeared miraculously like the pimple on your buttcheek after applying Oxy 10.
But no, Daft Oi is the unreachable scratch on your back, the piece of spinach stuck between your molars, the rash from your allergic reaction to peanuts that won't go away because you're just a sucker for those Castello peanut butter sandwiches from Julie's.

What may or may not be the molecular structure of the active ingredient in your Acne medicine, back when you were a geeky teenager.

Daft Oi has merely been on a political field trip, visiting our neighbours whose only jokes are about Malaysians, the land where a couple, 33 (married) and 19 (slut?), can be found dead in a car at certain stages of undress, but the real news is that the State Coroner Tan Boon Heng's warning of busted car floorboards and blocked exhaust pipes should be heeded.
Here, the excitement over the runup to the General Elections is hotting up like icecream left in the sun for too long. How many people will be blacklisted for not voting for PAP this time? Will you be able to count the number of opposition candidates on one, or TWO hands?
Yes, the land where being part of the 'hip, hot & happening' youth means you love national day parade fireworks, you can't live without MSN, you voted for taufik at Singapore Idol and you watch EPL football. Basically, you're the same as everyone else.

While in Malaysia, the no.1 blog is that of the 101-octane petrol-powered J377 001-droid, in Singapore, it's a short woman who impersonates other bloggers and makes xenophobic remarks, after Christmas.

Daft Oi will resume regular service, shortly, but not as short as Xiaxue.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

This week in racial composition of the media news

Once again, the smelloscopic powers of Daft Oi have come to the fore again, once again, as he uncovers yet again a slice of Malaysia's political scene, once again, and again and again until there is nothing left to gain.
The Once and Former King of the NST, The Scribe Abdul Kadir AK-Ja51n, reported on the Not So New Since It's Over 160 Years Old Straits Times' Voluntary Super Sweepstakes (VSS) where 216 employees were the lucky winners of the jackpot - an all-expense paid ticket out of the company - including some 60 journalists. In his entry, the Scribe pointed out that a majority of the winners were Malay. Even more shockingly, he revelated that out of the 20 lucky winners coming from Malay-language publications, a whoppering 19 were Malays, with one rumoured to be of the Powhatan tribe of East Sentul or, if you prefer, Sentul East. Can you imagine that?! Nineteen out of 20 VSS-winning employees leaving Malay-language publications being Malay?!! This is quite unlike the fabled Sin Chew VSS of 1987, where 42.3 out of 44 departers were Chilean Tamils. Of course, the real question is why there were so many Malays working for these Malay publications in the first place...the legend continues.

An AK-47, no relation to AK-Ja51n, during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan.

Because Daft Oi only has superhuman abilities of counting Little Indians (Daft Oi would like to point out that this is not a specific dig at NST's Groupie Edit Brendan of the Prairie) and not Malays, he was beaten to this scoop by the Scribe, who was swift to point out this apparently liberal use of special Bumiputera rights. And to rub it in my face, the Yang di-Pertua Cakap Percuma, Jeff Ooi, makes it even clearer with his headline of 'Leaving NSTP... mostly Malay journalists', where he basically repeats everything that the Scribe said in his blog. But don't you dare call him a mouthpiece. He is more of a translator, innit?

This piece of confusing news has once again sent executive Public Joe in-chief Jill Honda Civic clamouring for the comforting and lust-inducing embrace of Daft Oi, sobbing and moaning, "Can it ever be more obvious that NST is an UMNO mouthpiece? Even its sweepstakes has a Malay quota! See, why can't they let the Chinese and Indian flers have an equal chance to go on this one-way holiday too?"

For real. But Potshots has found, deeper in the grassroots, even more revealing news than the fact that NST's VSS resulted in the company giving away enough money to buy a strand of chief sub-par performer David Robert Joseph Beckham's hair. Thanks to the harrowing journey undertaken by my Little Earthworms, they have uncovered, like those manholes that people always fall into, that the Best Pumpkin of Show Award-winning blog, Screenshots has also quietly undergone its own VSS exercise.

Becks'd look silly without his hair, wouldn't he? Those silly looking ears would stick out, all the time.

Sources close to the Earthworms have related that this is a bid to reduce cost as Ooi's latest megaprojects failed to find the necessary funding after open tenders failed to result in any bids for exclusive rights to his hip-hop side projects, Jeff On The Mike and Whatzzup.
However, it was duly reported to Potshots that this effort was 100% unsuccessful as negotiations took a quick downward spiral between the parties concerned. This is a transcript of employer-employee negotiations at the secretive headquarters of Screenshots.

Jeff: Hey, we're having this VSS thing, it's entirely voluntary, are you interested?
Jeff: (Broken Chinaman English) Uh... dowan-lah.
Jeff: OK.

Heated discussions are as common in the Screenshots HQ as, let's face it - hot blondes? Never.

It is noted that, with the wrapping up of VSS season, Screenshots has a 100% Chinese workforce, identified as DYMM Emperor Yang Agong In-Chief of Screenshots, Jeff Leopold Ooi. Questions still float in the sea like dead bodies of water.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Today, in confusing news reports

Daft Oi may not be the smartest person in the world, even his name sort of gives away the game, but he can smell out a trend when he sees one... with his optical nose.

The cutting edge optical nose, as used by Daft Oi, yesterday.

In light of the confusion besetting the Man Who Carried The Cross To Calvary For Free Speech, Jeff Ooi's, 'the Joe Public' - who are very much the same sort of folk who used to make up Hishammuddin 'I Need My Doc Martens For My ISA hearing' Rais' 'rakyat' - the government has released a statement that it is in fact, NOT using the fuel subsidy savings to bail MAS out. What a shocker! And all this while, we thought without the very seed of the shadow of the merest doubt that this was the case! Incredible!
According to Ooi's far-reaching network of conspiracy theorists/'the Joe Public', the news of the new fuel prices and MAS' recovery plan were "both announced on the same day but hours apart on Feb 27 -- had sent out confusing messages to the public."
Further to that, but only by a couple of feet, Ooi chin-rubbingly muses that "It could have been better managed but obviously Putrajaya's propagandists had failed to explain the government's position, making Pak Lah look very bad in public eyes. This is very unfortunate."
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Putrajaya's Jabatan Propaganda Dalam Negeri had failed to explain that THE FUEL SUBSIDY SAVINGS ISN'T FOR MAS. REALLY, IT ISN'T! Ye, betul, unfortunate, like how Ooi can remember the "the 70th anniversary of Uncle Samy Vellu's birthday" otherwise known in privileged circles as Samy's 70th birthday, but forget about the birthdays of all his loyal readers, be they the 5th or 6th anniversary.

Samy's birthday cake, creating a haze, ever since.

But the real point, unlike points scored from free throws due to technical fouls in the NBA, is that this trend of confusing news has been plaguing us for a very long time. Recently, several examples have cropped up, thanks to the hardworking Little Earthworms.
Firstly, the newspaper for people who love ads, ran an article on how "Taliban insurgents have beheaded two former Afghan government officials in the southern province of Helmand".
Then, in a confusing piece of news, it reported further that Datuk K, Siti Nurhaliza's honeybunny-sweet pumpkin pie-sugardaddy had made an order to 'Cut It Out'.
Does this mean that Datuk K is a Taliban guerrilla? Jill Civics have been inundating and dating me with SMS and emails about the confusing messages - both from the Star and also from my body language during the dates.

And then, the Times of the Straits that are so new that they cannot be found on any map, reported that "The RM31 billion or 53 per cent from the total profit of RM59 billion is a huge contribution. Compared with other oil companies, it is clear that Petronas cares about the country’s development needs."
In a shocking revelation, Screenshots revealed that the HIGHLY CONFUSING RATHER THAN COINCIDENTAL news that the Sun - which is free like a bird, which happens to be Ooi's insiders of choice... hmmm, how suspicious - has bumped up "daily circulation from the previous 150,000 copies to 230,000 copies... additional 53% print-run"
Potshots has longed learnt not to question Ooi on any numbers games and so, it must be certain that Ooi's 53% is accurate instead of perhaps, 53.3% or 53.33% or 53.3333(recurring)%.
This sends the confusing signal that the Sun is somehow funded by petrol money. Does this mean that the fuel savings is being used to pay for the Sun's additional print run? Will the people, be they Mr Public or Ms Civic, stand for this?
If this piece of obvious fact via coincidence is to be shot down, then it is up to NST to clarify the position of Petronas since Ooi's clarity is like his charity.

Hardware used by Petronas to calculate taxes, last fiscal year.

Last but not least, I myself have discovered one last coincidence. This post on coincidence is coincidentally my 9th entry for the month and we are in the 9th Malaysian Plan. This must definitely confirm, albeit, confusingly, that I am a Patriot!

Daft Oi a patriot!

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, which is nobody but then let's all pretend it concerns us anyway, shall we?

The only Mutant with Powers of Free Speech to study at Professor X's school, Jeff Ooi, has stated on his Pelajar Terbaik SM Assunta-winning blog, Screenshots, that some other guy whom he claims to respect has made the pronouncement that Malaysian bloggers are patriots. Since this category undoubtedly includes Daft Oi (unlike the category of 'eminent Malaysian bloggers', which is made up of Daft Oi alone), the only conclusion I can draw is that I am a patriot!

A patriot, I tell you!

I was nearly speechless at having been bestowed this honour, but luckily for me not speechless enough that I couldn't go straight out to my favourite place, the grassroots, to root around with my Little Earthworms and find out what Jill Civic has to say about this issue. Apparently she's impressed.

"Perhaps this is why the American military is so interested in Jeff's blog," she said, clearly flushed with lust just to be standing before myself, a fine example of a patriotic alpha male, "Don't the Americans have a Patriot Act, and doesn't Jeff Ooi spend all his time Acting like a Patriot?

It has also been rumoured that Maxis is the Most Unpatriotic Firm in Malaysia, since their slogan clearly states that 'More Malaysians Choose Maxis' without saying anything about Maxis choosing Malaysians. What this means is that they don't give so much as a hoot from a half-dead owl about Malaysians, even though Malaysians so loyally continue to choose them - at any given moment, they may decide that while Malaysians choose Maxis, Maxis chooses Bulgarians...and then what will we do? Maxis must be stopped dead in the tracks, like a thing that has died on the tracks while moving and then stopped.

But back to me: how will this newly-bestowed honour affect the future of Potshots? Will I take to being even more daring, now that I have official hero-status to fall back on? Only time will tell, but because Might is Right the high-octane powers that be had best be wary and watch their backs. Stop the lousy movie, and give more of us patriotic bloggers screen-time instead, whilst also feeding the head honchos to the sea lion's den.

On that note, this is Potshots, signing out as patriotically as is humanly possible, so patriotically my patriotism just gave a headache to a dozen people in a nonexistent country called Israel - the nonexistent buggers.

Another patriot, although this one is less potent a phallic symbol than Daft Oi, last night.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Jeff Ooi is not human!!!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!! UPDATEDUPDATED


Everybody makes mistakes - except Daft Oi. Yes, it's true, I am always right. Some of you are almost certainly now protesting and pointing out some occasion when I (allegedly) made a mistake. Well, let me tell you I made no mistakes - those incidences you cite are simply examples of times when I was right in ways I hadn't expected. And it appears such an occurrence has once again occurred, or perhaps I should say recurred, or re-occurred, once again.

The other day I mentioned price hikes in relation to Malaysia Right Here, Right Now and also said that Jeff Ooi, the Norse God of Free Speech and Pails, would soon be introducing subscription fees to his Academy Award-winning blog, Screenshots. Midnight came, midnight went, and there were no price hikes nor subscription fees. Some were shocked, some were astounded, none e-mailed me about it. Still, I feel the need to clarify a few things, as I often do when nothing needs clarifying.

Firstly, I would like to clarify that I never claimed that Malaysiakini would be introducing higher subscription fees. Quite the contrary, in fact.

This is what I said: "semi-popular online news repository, Malaysia At the Moment, may be on the verge of announcing a rise in the pricing of their subscription-based news fix delivery system." This has been widely misinterpreted to mean that I expected Malaysiakini to introduce price hikes, when I didn't. If you pay attention to my sophisticated wordage you will notice that what I actually meant to say was that Malaysiakini wouldn't introduce such hikes, since most of the time when people are 'on the verge' of something they don't actually fall into it. If they did, a lot more of us would be dead, particularly visitors to the Grand Canyon and the Gunung Kinabalu.

However, I have to concede that the subscription fees I predicted for Screenshots never materialised. This development seemed to make sense at first, because I could see no link between Screenshots and the price of petrol, so why would Jeff need to introduce fees? My saucy sources were adamant, however, that such a plan to introduce fees did in fact exist, and so I decided not to let the issue lie but to find out once and for all if there was any truth to their claims. So I set my Little Earthworms a-digging, and they rose to the surface with some remarkably interesting tidbits. After feeding me these, they mentioned that they had some shocking news too.

You see, readers, Jeff Ooi did indeed intend to make people pay to view his site, except his sinister plans were revoked at the last minute. But why would he want to do this, I hear you ask, even though it's impossible for me to hear you since when I typed this you hadn't read it yet and in any case you're not reading it within earshot of me anyway and certainly you're not a nutter who talks out loud to people who aren't around to hear, are you? Well, the answer is simple, really: when petrol prices went up, Jeff Ooi was forced to try and charge Screenshots readers to fund his monthly petrol bill, because JEFF OOI IS A PETROL-POWERED CYBORG.

REVEALED: Jeff Ooi's true shape, beneath his flesh-and-blood endoscopyskeleton, singing 'I Believe I Can Fly', deep in the sands of time.

Yes, readers, this is why Jeff's Nissan Vanette appears to be able to hold RM560 worth of petrol - because the tank in said Vanette has been modified to deliver its contents directly into the mechanical bloodstream of Jeff Ooi himself! This is also why he is so unlucky with the ladies, for it is a well-known fact that no amount of breath mints will mask the smell of petrol! And, almost as if he was willing the world to uncover his secret, Jeff (or should I say, Jefftroniqo) himself provided indirect confirmation some days ago, when he concocted this sentence on his blog, apparently in some sort of failed attempt to mimic human humour:

(Broken Chinaman English) Actually ha, our VVIPs have actually cancelled order for the police outriders, you knooooow! Didn't you see this in The Star (Mar 8, Pg N10), ha?

(Amusing French Accent) It iz appaghent to us zat Jheff ackzhualy zought zat 'is 'umour was in fect funnee, when it was most ziartainly non. 'E 'as negated anee pussibilitee of zis jhoke bein' funnee by pointing out in ze brackets zat 'e is using 'Broken Chinoisman Anglais'. Ze experts all are in concord wit us, becus we are Francais and zerefore always right, like ze Daft Oi.

"Yes, it is entirely clear to me that this man is a cyborg," asserted Dr. Littel Birdanathan, Robonomy expert from the University of Eyesore, India, "Only a cyborg would have made such a clarification before trying to make a joke, because only a cyborg could have failed to grasp that it is precisely the omission of such pedantic, self-conscious formalities that makes things humorous. In any case, the humour displayed was of such an infantile level that it entirely reflects what can be expected of an android or cyborg that cannot fathom funniness. Furthermore, much in-depth research, conducted by my colleague Chinnamah Kuruvi, has shown that only the drone-like, pre-programmed and imagination-free robot race reads the Star."

Jogger-Eating, Farmer-Frightening Ogre from the Ominous Isle
Jeff Ooi has not been known to eat joggers or frighten farmers, so he has not conclusively been proven to be a monster, up to this point

But if he is a petrol-guzzling android, why did Jeff renege on his plot to begin tapping people for cash through the rumoured subscription scheme? The answer my Little Earthworm furnished me with, an answer which will most certainly gast your flabbers as it did mine, is that Jeff suddenly came upon an idea for an alternative power source, to rid himself of his petrol dependence and to set him well on his way towards fulfilling his plans for world domination. This solution is NUCLEAR POWER.

For years now Jeff has been attempting to harness the mighty energy of the Nuclear to power his cyborg heart, but has failed due to the lack of nuclear resources in Malaysia. Time and time again has he made his way to PUSPATI - the National Nuclear Research Centre where top minds have been hard at work for the past two and a half decades inventing a nuclear-powered lemang steamer - and time and time again has he been turned away.

"Oh yes, I know the guy," said Prof. Sai Chiok of PUSPATI when I showed him a picture which I thought was of Jeff Ooi but turned out to be of a bonobo or pygmy chimpanzee, "He keeps coming around here ah, and I keep telling him, 'We only got one reactor around here la brader, and I tell you frankly ah, we can't give it to you, so stop asking can or not?' The nerve of the man ah, I tell you frankly, totally shocks me; we haven't even managed to cook any lemang yet and he wants to take our reactor from us."

Jewel Exchanging Fantastic Fantasies and Overwhelming, Overpowering Indulgence
Could this be the secret to Jeff Ooi's identity? Not according to the girls Potshots contacted, who all promptly threw up upon hearing 'Jeff Ooi' and 'sexy' used in the same sentence. I would like to underline here that I know lots of girls. It is said that if you feed the words 'Jeff Ooi' and 'sexy' into IBM's mighty chess-playing supercomputer Deep Blue, you will terrify it such that it will not only lose every game of chess it plays, but will even lose the ability to fathom the far simpler and more primitive war game known as Warcraft 3. Furthermore, research shows that Jeff Ooi is the only thing on the planet less sexy than Ashlee Simpson and earthworms. In fact, the idea that Jeff's name could be breathed in the same sentence as anything even vaguely sexy - such as your mother - is so universe-shatteringly frightening to me that it's best I stop mentioning it, right now.

In what is not just a scoop but a scoopitty-scoop-scoop, though, Potshots can confirm that Jeff will not be visiting PUSPATI anymore, for he has found someone else to turn to for a new nuclear core. This would in fact be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who recently dropped by Malaysia on one of those hi-and-bye champagne-and-canapé won't-you-support-my-country's-nuclear-program type things, except with sparkling grape juice instead of champagne, of course.

At some point, Ahmadinjade's agents were contacted by Jeff, and proceeded to arrange some negotiations. This opportunity to aid a pseudo-famous Asian cyborg was welcomed by Ahmadnijead and his people, since Iran is looking for ways to justify its nuclear development program, because it's being told by a whole bunch of countries with nuclear weapons that it isn't allowed to have the nuclear weapons that it has no intention of developing. So a secret meeting was arranged, and behind closed doors in Putrajaya Jeff was allowed to persuade Ahmedanijed to give him a nuclear reactor. One of Potshots' worms was present at this historic occasion and recorded the meeting in its entirety:

Jeff: Please. Give. Me. Nuclear Reactor. I. Can. *Breeep* Make. Funny. Chinaman. English. *Zooooot* And. People. Find. Me. Funny. *Brooooop*

Ahmidenadaj: OK.

The president of Iran - a generally delighted sort of man, much of the time.

Now that the arrangement had been made between the two parties, the machinery of diplomacy swung into action, realised it was in reverse, stopped and got into the right gear before continuing. Officials from Tourism Malaysia contacted President George W. Bushski of the Socialist Democratic Republic of Amerikania, inviting him to board the Secret Underground LRT Connecting Malaysia to the Rest of the World and head down to Putrajaya for a meeting to discuss these new developments. In what is without a doubt not just a scoop but a Scoop Doggy Dogg, Potshots had an inside ear on the entire proceedings thanks to a Little Earthworm, even though earthworms as a rule have no ears.

Amhedjanie: So, Mr. Booosh, we are here to prove conclusively that Iran has no intention of abusing our nuclear program, in the manner that you yourself have done by creating nuclear weapons. Which, by the way, I have to point out, your own country has a vast number of.

Jeff: *Braaaaaaap*

Bushski: I do not believe you, and Karl said that I categorically deny anything.

Ahjemadine: Well I'm just saying, man, I never heard you asking anyone for permission. But then you always assume you don't need it, don't you?

Jeff: *Breeeeeep*

Bushski: God bless America! Karl also mentioned that I categorically deny anything.

Mahedjanide: You Americans, you really piss me off, with the double standards and the pompousness and voting for a moron such as yourself to lead a nation. Everytime I try and talk to you you're not looking at me, you're looking somewhere over my goddamn shoulder, perhaps at tits, always looking at tits, that's why you're so cross-eyed from following all the accursed tits you sand-ridden Yankee scum. By the beard of the Caliphs I swear that when I have my nuclear weapons I will pound your pasty white arses into... (interruption by one of his agents). Ah, yes, where was I? Yes, our nuclear program will be purely to meet our energy needs and nothing more. Our nuclear reactors will be state-of-the-art, housed in aeroplanes which will circle several thousand metres over Israel.

The number of weapons we intend to make with our nuclear program is this minus one, which would be zero" - some time ago.

Bushski: I know you'll be makin' nucular warheads, because if I were you, I'd be makin' nucular warheads too. In fact, I already did, and according to Karl you can't have any.

Hajmidinedinodan: But this is a fallacy! As you can clearly see, Boooosh, we intend to use our warheads, um, reactors for peaceful purposes, such as the powering of this Freedom Blogger Robot, Jeff Ooi. Look at him - he is no weapon of mass destruction!

Jeff: *Breeeepbraaaap* If I may interrupt. I would like to point out that I am in fact a weapon of mass destruction.

Mooohijinidani: No you're not.

Jeff: Yes I am, too. I am a huge big weapon of mass destruction and I rain down pain and destruction upon all the bad people who cross my path. Might is right. I am the doombringer, the Apocalypse Man, the herald of retribution and the Hand of Justice. I am the terror that flaps in the night. The world is a vampire, and I am the afterbreath of a lunch of fried garlic.

Everybody say "oooooOOOOOOooohhhh", at a meeting, not too long ago.

Bushski: Aha! Karl just said in this little radio thing in my ear that this proves categorically that you are lyin'. And now I want to go home Karl, I'm missin' General Lee and the boys on the satellite.

Jeff: Yes. Yes. I am a weapon of mass destruction, a very dangerous weapon, a big weapon, a giant weapon, all the ladies call me weapon, weapon weapon weapon weapon...

Ahmoodyjane: *Sigh*. Let's go, boys.

And so, readers, for now it appears Jeff will continue to have to purchase petrol to power his circuits, but as always he is hard at work to secure the nuclear device that he dreams of so vividly every day and night. It is rumoured that he wants to blackmail one out of Maxis, although at this point Maxis refuses to comment on the matter, claiming it has never had anything to do with nuclear power, but we all know that is, in the words of a tourist seen crossing through the paddy fields of Kedah last week, 'a whole load of bullocks'. In the meantime, experts from the IAAIEEAIAIAEE, or the International Atomic Shriek of How the Hell Could We Have Let Things Get this Way, have descended upon Malaysia to debate whether or not Jeff Ooi can be classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

Journeying Electronic Facsimile Fabricated for Online Observation and Infiltration
AHA! So it's true! He has been uncovered and discovered! 'Online Observation and Infiltration, do you see? Lock up your kids, folks, as soon as possible.

This is Potshots, as always, bringing you the news that could certainly have been made up, but then I wouldn't do a thing like that to you now, would I? We is tight.

Afterentry entry:
All thanks and felicitatious salutationary greetings to Mr./Mrs./Ms/Datuk/Tun/Tan Sri/Tengku veight, who provided a vital tip-off that aided me in hunting down this story. Keep up the good work, my minions! Together we will topple something really big!

Update! Update! Two things have prompted me to update my super-journalistic efforts on this post.
1) Somebody commented saying that the post is too long. Daft Oi only responds by making it longer! Hold your tongue in future, before trying to hold mine, which you won't be able to, since you'll have your hand occupied holding your tongue and I type with my fingers anyway, not my tongue.
2) Jeff Ooi has posted today on his blog stating that his 17th highest visitor in terms of hits comes from the US Military(.mil). He wonders allowed, wonders aloud why somebody from the US Military should be visiting his site so frequently. Well, while a sane person might suggest that since so many people are employed by the US Military, including Malaysians, it could be completely innocuous, I believe that this development simply confirms the above story! The US Military is well known to take an active interest in both nuclear power AND robots!

Potshots has dished out a total of 2kb of data over the past four days. My humble contribution to local broadband content for the country comes from acting as though everything I do is a selfless contribution to something.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Overheard somewhere in cyberspace, yesterday

(Broken Chinaman English)

"It's Jeff On The Mike..."
"OKT on LRT!"
"Yo, yo!"
"No more lyrics-lah... crap!"

Potshots believes that this is the Blogdaddy Mac Daddy of the Malaysian blogoramabananaterracottapie, Jeff Ooi, about to write his first rap single. He's just bustin' 'em rhymes, man.
He has of yet, not found a label to publish his work but he may keep it real and go indie. Respect.

Computer Generated prediction of what MC Ooi's rapper image would look like, by the next Grammys.

Potshots; snooping around to give you tomorrow's hit music, today.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Jeff Ooi to take over the Internet

In the past few days, the Man Whose Cyberhood is Bigger Than Your Cyberhood, Jeff Ooi, has launched an all out campaign to divert all Internet throughput to his multifariously mediabashing portal, whereupon he may or may not sell you pills to make your Cyberhood as big as his or at the very least, give you larger penises or boobs.
Right after coming up with this particularly giggle-inducing sentence;

"By 2015, Singapore will be transformed into the first totally wireless and wired country in the world with the new ultra fast-speed National Broadband Network reaching 85% of households there."

in a strikingly "wait, is it wired or not? is it totally or 85%?" analysis of Singapore's Cyberhood, which is bigger than yours as well, he proceeded to begin his proclamation on his Cyberdeityhood, of which, none of us mere mortals will ever have. He did this by shouting aloud that his very fecal matter was holy. To this, in Ooi's own words, fellow possessor of a very large Cyberhood, Oon Yeoh, uttered "his utter shock" on a Skypecast, yet another term nefariously coined up by Ooi in a battle to pwn your Cyberhood.

If this was Jeff Ooi's, eating it would make you live, forever.

His success could be considered a foregone conclusion since despite everyone's knowledge that Ooi has a Little Bird, many still worship his large and rockhard Cyberhood. The evidence points to this as well, as his own redefinition of broadband drew, at the time of writing, 31 comments, deflecting from his "elementary, my dear Watson" commentary on the Newspaper That Is As Free As Ooi's Speech (that is, until delivered to your doorstep, where it is worth only 30 sen). Below is an excerpt;

The problem is, being a free paper, it has to make ends meet with sufficient advertising support. (daft oi: amazing analysis, jeff!) Last weekend's edition carried 24 pages with only two full-page ads (one spot colour, one B/W). There were 12 pages, or 50% of the total pagination (daft oi: you can count, jeff!), which were absolutely ads-free... If this goes on, the free paper may run into financial trouble (daft oi: *worship, worship*).

How could I ever have doubted you, Jeff?... ever.

However, Ooi's key gambit came as he decided to sway the young vote by turning into a yellow-ass niggah with his podcast "Jeff On The Mike" and videocast "Whatzzup!". At this time however, none of Potshots' tireless little earthworms could uncover whether Ooi had signed an endorsement deal with Budweiser yet.
But those dedicated troopers did uncover that it'd have been much cooler to spell Mike as Mic and Whatzzup as Wazzup or Wassup or Whassup...

Not even close, Jeff.

In further news, Ooi's plan for domination over your world has proven to be an unstoppable juggernaut, splurging 23 gigabytes of his 'holy matter'. He also commented that "Oon Yeoh will be writing something thought-provoking about the DiGi/3G issue in his forthcoming column." A noteworthy announcement for anyone looking for a change from Jeff Ooi's anorexia-provoking proclamations.

In news related to your aunty, he has expressed his displeasure at DIGI being denied a portion of the 3G spectrum as his favourite colour happens to be yellow, like his ass, when he's being a niggah, and would like to see such a colour in any spectrum. Further to that, one speedy and agile earthworm told Potshots that Ooi is fuming that he might actually have to use either Maxis or as-yet-to-be-denied colourblindness causing Celcom (no more yellow!? nooo...) for his 3G operations as part of his strategy to turn your modem into his bitch.

Your modem, pretty damn soon.


A Medal of Honour-winning earthworm has uncovered this, evidence that Jeff Ooi may have dark and dreadful motives in his quest for Cyberdeityhood. In this revealing statement from his own beloved Global Voices Online, Ooi is quoted as having said in his blog in March 2005 that "local warlords who abuse their power suck to high heaven". Could this be the real reason why Ooi wants to be a god? To be the very high heaven that warlords 'suck to'? Only time will tell. But he refused to comment at the time of writing.

Time prefers to have naked women on or under its covers, in the fall of 1993.


But the scorchingly red hot as a cili padi being rubbed against your nether regions news is that JEFF OOI MAY SINGLEHANDEDLY REUNITE SINGAPORE AND MALAYSIA! Just as soon as he announced that he has been put into several casts, he proclaimed that his "obvious agenda is to help push local content for the National Broadband Plan", whereupon he links to his own chuckleworthy post on SINGAPORE'S BROADBAND PLAN. SINGAPORE! Shock! Horror!

Another kind of red hot, back in the days of grunge.

This, once again, has been Potshots, blogging like a madman to bring you the latest, greatest, bestest and the litmus test in news.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Profiteering profiteers profit off profiteering


A Smallish Stool Pigeon has intimated to Potshots that semi-popular online news repository, Malaysia At the Moment, may be on the verge of announcing a rise in the pricing of their subscription-based news fix delivery system.

Malaysiakini subscription page... look at all the pretty flowers, earlier today.

It is expected that sometime towards midnight tonight the subscription page of the bearer of 'news and views that matter' will be updated to reflect the new prices, with some sources quoting increases of up to RM5-10 for each subscription package. The Stool Pigeon went on to say that there is a plan to soften the impact of the hike by offering a free gift of pretty flowers with each purchase, as per the images found on the page. Joe Public remained unimpressed.

"What the hell are all these flowers on this page for?! They're totally irrelevant!" he said. "They should have done this as a Valentine's Day special package-lah!"

When contacted for comment, a Malaysiakini mole explained that the increment was necessary to pay for the petrol used by the Nissan Vanettes that deliver these pretty flowers to and from the Malaysiakini offices, which apparently actually do exist somewhere and are not, as previously suspected, spread out across the messy bedrooms of several unkempt, malodorous people with nothing better to do who would rather not stoop to multiple orgasms.

Malaysiakini's offices revealed! 'Old building' quite possibly the site of aforementioned unkempt, malodorous people. Also pictured are the 7-11 where they buy condoms, Dataran Maybank where they keep their money, the Bangsar LRT station where they commute to, the carpark where they park their cars and the Tamil school where they play croquet, a few hours back.

It is unlikely that the Malaysiakini price rise will result in the same sort of midnight stampede as the fuel price rise of a week ago, though, as when asked about it Jill Civic simply had this to say:

"What you talking?!"

A picture of a Civic (but not Jill Civic), in showrooms 2007.

Further digging by Potshots' brigade of Little Earthworms revealed even greater appears that the Free Speech That Flows So Freely It's Like Diarrhoea, Jeff Ooi is about to introduce a subscription fee himself. Since there are no flowers involved at all, the reasons for this remain shrouded in a mysterious sort of mysteriousness.

Hence we have set our Earthworms a-digging even deeper, so deep some have received second-degree burns from the heat of the earth's core while others have been irradiated by experiments conducted in the secret laboratories of evil deep beneath Maxis' HQ. Still, they will soldier on for Potshots, to deliver you the news first, immediately and in a manner that frees up more of your neurons, so you can devote a bigger portion of your brain to mass-SMSing Malaysian Idol. This issue remains TO BE CONTINUED...