Thursday, June 29, 2006

World Cup Update... (2)

Aha, so you have been using your Maxis phones, then, because here I am with the actual World Cup update, not like the ones which have no football in it at all. What kind of World Cup is that? That's like a World Cup where the real stars are the female fans, the players' wives, broken bones in feet and lousy referees...

Anyway, many of you loyal readers and true patriots will be wondering why I did not post up a World Cup preview - since I am known to have a sharper nose for the game than MyTeam loser-in-chief, Shebby Singh and definitely woodn't be like Paul Masefield's anchoring of the telecasts so far.

Not Santokh Singh, in his heyday.

The reason is that because I am so clued in, I already knew which eight teams would be in the quarterfinals. And I didn't want to let it on because it would've spoilt your World Cup experience to know in advance that the last round of group matches were going to be a farce.
Oh, sure there were goals. Germany contributed three against Ecuador - but it was still a nonevent, with both teams already qualified and Ecuador deciding not to show up to protest against white supremacy or something. And Ivory Coast and Serbia & Montenegro traded goals to result in a generous 3-2 scoreline. It featured some quite awful defending - including Milan Dudic's two spectacular displays where the referee kayu failed to spot that he was actually a four-legged animal, and it wasn't handball.
But how about the worst of both worlds - hotshots Holland and Argentina
protecting their players for the next phase and benching about a dozen players
to give us... no goals whatsoever!

Football Mad Nation, during Ivory Coast vs Serbia & Montenegro.

But because I am the protector of the truth, it would've been unethical of me to lie to you and say that I merely thought that this or that team would make it to the quarterfinals instead of the truth, that I KNEW they would.
I even tried to deflect my obvious knowledge of the game by saying I supported Saudi Arabia. But let's face it, the Saudis were more interested in the size of German sausages than anything else.

You like my sausage, da? You vant some of this, now?

But here at this stage, things are becoming iffy, because Italian Mafia God of Gamblers are starting to throw their weight in and influence results. Not to mention Ronaldo's weight too... that'll shake things up, right and proper.

I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow Gerd Muller's record away, when I play against Ghana.

But before I get shot in a drive-by by people who hit on anything with a vagina and are called romantic for it, I will proceed to...


So, who will make it to the semis? Potshots on Goal sent some Little Earthworms to Germany to have a little chat with the coaches from each team.

LE: So, how will you defeat the Italians?
Old BlockedHind: With Andriy Shevchenko! Who, although is now in bed with Russian billionaire Roman AbrahamicJewsDon'tHaveAllTheMoney, was practically a son to Italy's premier, Silvio BeerlessCockney!

Forza Italia!

LE: And you, how will you plan against the Ukranians?
Marcello Lippy: By using my Argentinian winger, Maori, Mario, Maui... uhh, Cameroon, Cameron, uhh, the one who rebonded his hair. Yes.
LE: And Argentina, what will be your tactics against Germany?
Jose Peckerman: We have a German defender, Gabriel Heinze, of course! He will know how to handle the Nazi offensive.
LE: Jurgen, your reply to that?
Jurgen KuKluxKlinsmann: Hah, our strikers are too polished for that. In fact, Podolski and Klose are entirely Polish.

German secret weapon, tonight.

LE: (sigh) Well, over to England...
Sven-Gali TacticsSans: No worries, David Beckham actually plays overseas for us! HE WILL know all about the International Game!

Sting knows how Beckham feels, except in 80s America.

LE:, Uhh, Luis?
Luis Flippy ScoldReferee: We'll just get him sent off. After all, our Brazilian-born player, Deco is a grandmaster at that, he's so good he can do it from off the pitch.
LE: The favourites Brazil?
CarLost I'llBetOn Prairie: We don't have Deco in our team, that's good enough.
LE: And last, but not least...
Raymond DoMyNeck: We havez ze great geniuz, Zinedine Yazid Zidane, whoz name iz actually Tinedine Tidane but we French love to pronounce thingz wit ze letter Z.

Another great French export, during the days of the Wild, Wild West.

Quick and painless, unlike the Ukraine and Switzerland match, this has been Potshots, ignoring Wimbledon.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

World Cup Update

Yes, the tournament in Germany has progressed to the knockout phas.... what?


We interrupt this highly comic circle of numberical importance to bring you news that is related by the letters, W, O and R and of even more alphabetsical importance!


War, what is it good for, absolutely nothing, as history tells it.

Yes, while the innocent employees and equity holders of Potshots Sdn Tak Berhad Kerana Sudah Merdeka were trying to con each other whilst betting on whether Spain would beat our Muslim Brethren from the Holy Oily Footy team from Saudi Arabia, the Loony Tun announced that he would "cari sampai ke lubang cacing" to resolve issues!

Another kind of wormhole, where time is not a dimension.

Issues, I tell you. What issue does M the Mahathir have with humble ol' Daft Oi and his unworthy little crawlies? I have merely been unselfishly pursuing my own agenda in the interest of my countrymen - to seek out the truth as I see fit!
Surely a man like Mahadona, the Hand of Govt, can identify with my undying allegiance to the ways and means first practiced on this Water Land by his own Berbahagia self.

Meanwhile, The Blog That Went To The World Cup to show off his LG phone, Jeff Ooi, chooses to spin this as if my Little Earthworms are a side issue, that the real target is the source!
"I will dig until I find the source of the worms!", he reports or rather translates or rather, misinterprets what Matahathir so shiningly exclaimed.
He even goes so far as to claim that Potshots is controlling the government and that we are a bunch of homosexuals by saying that,

"So, he (Mahathir) soldiers and battles on to out the 'Third Party' that "controls the Abdullah administration."

Unconfirmed reports of party animals belonging to the Third Party, at the last elections.

Now, both Ooi and I and you and he and she know that homosexuality is illegal in this country. Not only has Ooi slurred my premium sponsor Google, he has also slurred me! It seems that he is now in cahoots with the Politician Formerly Known As Prime Minister! Oh, wait, but we already knew that.

In news related by being late twice, Maxis 3G, the only Gs in the hood to give you all the action, 8 minutes too late, promises that after you spend 15 minutes calling someone to talk about the last 45 minutes, Potshots will be back with an actual World Cup update.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Gmail slurred by libellous Chinapek Blogger

Before we go into today's special breaking report from an M-16 rifle to be used by an NS trainee, I must apologise for my behaviour in the past month. I have been binge drinking and getting one too many hardons from anticipation of the World Cup and allowed Potshots Premium Partner (PPP), Google, to be attacked falsely by The Blog That Knows No Shame, Screenshots.
As always, Google is kind and patient and can point you to more babes in black than Jeff Ooi ever can. They only recently informed me of Ooi's callous actions and I have set out to investigate along with my precious army of blind but eager worms.

Jeff will never outdo Google images, anyplace, anytime.

Needless to say, we didn't get far for we spent too long making stupid remarks about Jeff's "Toolbox" and his reference to "Black Chocolate". Niggah please!
But we did discover that by deviously clicking 'May 2006' on Screenshots, you can get pages that seemed to have been deleted! But now, they're back! Cool!
It seems that the Sith Lord of the Blognana recently claimed that Gmail has stop growing - notice the use of tense, as if he used the Force to immediate stop its growth rather than that he is merely reporting a false fact.
What motivated him to such degrading lies, who knows, for Ooi is a man with a plan for broadband. In his devious schemes to take over the internet, he has obviously procured a Gmail account for himself through shady means.
Now, he even has the cheek to complain that it has stopped growing! My, my, but we all know that Ooi is always looking out for No.001.

001, J377 001, license to email, in the middle of the night.

Gmail reported that he had used all but 12MB of his gargantuan 2727MB mailbox. I guess we can all see why the kiamsiap fler was making issue out of the mailbox space.
He obviously needs the extra space and was pressuring Google into giving him space that should be devoted to helping others by storing caches of, I dunno, pictures like...

But of course, does Ooi care about you or me? No, he only cares about his schemes and National Broadband Plan yadayada.
However, here at Potshots, we are not a malicious folk. We are here to help, even those who are obviously beyond it.

Another hopeless cause, recently deceased.

So, to Ooi, we offer two solutions.

1. Delete your junk mail. We know that this might seem revolutionary and alien to you, but trust us, it works. When you delete your mail, you actually do free up space in your inbox. Honest!
In fact, you could even delete old and useless mail. Instead of hoarding all the porn you plan to unleash as part of your broadband plan, how about deleting the ones which feature only naked men. Or several naked men. You know, yeah.

2. How about asking your wonderful sponsor who gives you free trips around the world to write about issues nobody cares about to give you email space to keep stuff that nobody cares about too? It would be consistent of Microsoft to do so, wouldn't it? Or are you admitting their hotmail product is more like... lukewarm mail?
One also wonders about the conflict of interest involved in Ooi reporting on Google when he is so obviously Bill Gates' bitch. Now, that's real crap.

Not real crap, available at all leading humour stores, now.

Ok, now that Google is appeased, I'm off to more of my Astro red-button hogging. More on this, uhh, after these messages from Maxis, whose representative refuses to confirm if they were shafted in their sponsorship deal for the local broadcast of the World Cup.