Monday, April 30, 2007

Laughing Banned in All Goverment Buildings

It is a rare occasion when Potshots misses a trick. Usually, we miss half a dozen at a go.

In one recent six-pack of "wtf, I must be blind" moments, it was the redoubtable Jeffaw Hooi-Lawak-Betul who scooped our ass like it was his favourite mutton curry at Syed bistro.

Jeff's penchant for mutton curry has made this sort of sixpack become a thing of, the past.

Yes, it was the Screenshooter himself who got the early story in after being tip-offed. It was so early that it was a day after The Biggest Ball of Gaseous Advertising had printed the story. My, my, Jeff sure is working hard for his money, isn't he?

Artist impression of Jeff being on the ball, which is of course, the wrong sort of on the ball but can you blame the artist after reading for years?

But he certainly gave us a wonderful piece of sensationalist tabloid journalism, one that has crushed the stony ego and resolve of the folks here at Potshots who believe ourselves to the pillar of sensationalist tabloid journalism of Malaysia as per the standards of Hello! magazine in the UK, by revealing that it was not shoddy construction or too much air bandung being dumped down the sink that caused leaking and burst pipes down in Putrajaya - the capital formerly known as 'one estate-la' - but instead, the worse evil known to mankind.

Ladies and gentlemen, be afraid, be very a-feared, for Putrajaya, it be hainted by them ghosts called LAUGHTER.

Do not ask for whom the Laughter laughs, it laughs for tee-hee-hee.

Yes, ma'am. It was not lousy material from Suchou, nor plumbers from Atlantis but Laughter that slew the concrete beast that is Putrajaya. What is worse, my good sirs, is that this Laughter did not come alone, but as MP-USJ (Skrinsot) Jeff himself has revealed, it was Laughter'S'!

Immediately after Jeff broke this piece of scintillating - which simply means unsubstantiated - news, the Cabinet, in its fear of allowing Putrajaya to look stupid, went ahead and made themselves look stupid instead, by deciding that Laughter would be banned from all federal buildings at once.

The new MP-Ijok (BN) K. Tartheroad said, "We cannot allow any more of our expensively contracted and subcontracted government offices to become submerged in so much water. Then my constituents will start coming to fetch water from these buildings."

Tsk, tsk, tsk, think of all the dry people in Ijok, desperate for water everyday.

As such, it was announced, that to prevent future occurrences of laughter, Screenshots would be blocked from the Internet on all government computers and also, Jeff would not be allowed to even show his face in those hallowed halls. Further to that, Samy would have to get rid of his stupid wig and all MPs must stop behaving like monkeys in Parliament, except when in the car park.

Tonight, we dine in hell!

The Screenshooting Lensataking Blogatronic Guy was obviously incensed at this and vowed to somehow make even more misguided literary deductions in an effort to confuse and mire the government in more shenanigans.

Meanwhile, TunDr, TunDr, TunDrKats Mahathir Mohamed called on the people of Ijok to "Use the ballot box to tell the 'rotten' government not all is well!"
Yes, KarTun, they have heeded your call and voted for the post-Mahathir BN. They're obviously sick of your 'rotten' government that gave us buildings in Putrajaya that have become weak with 'laughters'.

Thankfully, DrM didn't have the foresight to put water in the bridges, instead of just under them, back in the good ol' 90s.

Maxis, after a long hiatus, have informed me that they had nothing to do with either Ijok or the leaking pipes since only government officers only laugh at Celcom ads.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Jeremy Clarkson, International Man of Parliamentary Debate

Debate is the thing you catch the fish with, one rather unfunny Singaporean once said as part of a comedy recording by the rather unfunnily named Kopi Kat Klan (KKK! Geddit? LOL!)
Even more unfunny, is the fact that this means that my Little Earthworms = Debate. Further to that, the usually unflinching Daft Oi is now rather confused about whether his worms are the source of much fisticuffs in the Taiwanese Parliament, or the source of food for those poor sods who live by the sea in coastal areas like Kuala Terengganu, Kota Bharu, Kuantan, Kuala Lumpur... wait a minute.

Ah beat your ass, niggah!

Whatever the case may be, at least my crawly bros have been safe from Little Bird attacks for the past few months. Oh, haven't you noticed? They've kinda been leaving the roost over at Screenshot Aviary. Who knows, maybe ol' Jeffdefella has decided that Little Birds are for little boys. Or that they were an insanely ridiculous device to begin with.

Jeff didn't take too kindly when one of his birdies decided to be more manly than him, late last year.

As opposed to the devices that Jeremy Clarkson, the world's premier motorhead and fulltime ugly, uses. These are still insane and ridiculous. But funny. Ok, so Little Birds are funny too, but not in the same way.

So when in 2005, Jeremy decided to unleash all his frustration at being a married man and being unable to get all the groupies he could rightly claim by taking a Perodua Kelisa and proceeding to hammer, hang, draw (not that draw, dummy), and then blow up (not that blow up, dummy) the lil bugger. Of course, he had little idea that it would spark a diplomatic row with a tiny country of people who take two years to realise what the hell is going on.
That might be because we live in a jungle and wear leaves for shoes. The truth is that it's much worse, we actually wear Jimmy Choos. That is, if you're the average 30-year-old Malaysian woman who happens to be Bruneian.

Malaysia Boleh!

So, it is that recently, Clarkson drew the ire of minister in the ministerial department of administering primary schooling for ministers Datuk Abdul Raman Sillyman, who said, "Jeremy (Clarkson) had made the comment in a column in a magazine. He is like a soccer commentator; one who does not play the game but knows its technicalities. He is a critic of not only the Kelisa but also other cars, such as the Lamborghini."
This of course makes perfect sense since Clarkson doesn't drive cars, he just talks about them. He uses a stunt double to film him driving them. Which is quite an achievement. I mean, have you seen the man? How do you get another person who looks like such a wanker but is tall and has skin that can be pulled back behind his ear?

Shebby pwns Jeremy because Shebby actually played football, for a team that never made it to the World Cup. Guess this means that if I start wearing designer clothes, I can be a fashion critic, this spring/summer.

Of course, everyone knows that Lamborghinis are perfect in every way, so if Clarkson criticises them, he must be stupid. Yes, how can you criticise a company that is so good, it got bought over by another company, who are owned by yet another company. That is the mark of a good company, which is why Perodua is owned by Daihatsu which is owned by Toyota.

Like two peas in a pod, at harvest time.

Meanwhile, Americans, who are not as fucktardedly slow as us Malaysians, have also kicked up a huge fuss at Congress - which in their country, is the place where laws are made, unlike here, where people go to ogle at Samy Vellu's hair.
In the current season, Jeremy and fellow penile enlargement therapists, James 'Oh, Cock' May and Richard 'I-Hate-My-Life-And-I-Wanna-Die-In-A-300mph-Car-Crash' Hammond filmed an episode where they showed up the greatest democracy in the known Burger-Chomping Universe to have their quota of homophobic, intolerant hicks who like nothing better than to intimidate strange foreigners.

Like, doh.

"We do not hate gay people. I have gay friends myself," said Alabaman Congressman Whyte S. Premises. "Just the other night, I held a party at my house and there were two gay people there. We just want them to stop dressing funny, and if they can dress normally, like they did at my party, they're always welcome here, which is the same rules we have for Moslems. Just stop dressing funny."

"Jeremy (Clarkson) is like a soccer commentator; one who does not play the game but knows its technicalities. He is a critic of not only white Americans but also white Germans," he continued. "He is mocking and destroying our way of life, just like Osama did, just like Afghanistan and Iraq did by being ugly and creating nonexistent nuclear weapons that also threaten our way of life. So, I propose that we ask the government of England to surrender these America-haters or we will have no choice but to send our troops in."

This drew much much agreement in Congress as was seen when everybody in the House, come on, let me here you say way-oh, WAY-OH.
But at presidential level, it was revealed that this was all just political posturing and a useless load of cock.

"Now, I believe in God and God tells me what to do," said President Georgie Porgie Bushy Wushy.

"And because England is a God-fearing Christian country, we won't invade them. Just like how North Korea has nukes that put the fear of God in Americans, we haven't invaded them either. We will continue our strategy of only invading anti-American nations who have no nukes, because the truth is, we're cowards."

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound.

"Most of all, it must be understood that politicians just like to bring up these things to look patriotic, when in fact, Top Gear went to the South of the United States, where I come from. Let me tell you, it's like another country down there. And we can safely ignore jokes made about those hicks. Just like how I advice Malaysia to ignore jokes made about a national car that's owned by the Japanese."


It is understood here at Potshots that Optimus Prime Minister Pak Lahmborghini, has also been ignoring the monkey business in parliament for a long time now.

This has been Potshots, your very best source of hardly updated news.