GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOLOLO

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING READERS. THIS POST WILL BE ENTIRELY IN CAPS IN ORDER TO CELEBRATE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND IN THE LIFE OF OUR NATION. I AM USING CAPS BECAUSE MY SUPER MENTOR MAN, JEFF 'YB' OOI, HAS REQUESTED THAT WE STAY CALM, STAY COOL AND STAY HOME, WHILE OTHERS HAVE REQUESTED 'ZERO CELEBRATIONS'. SO THIS WILL BE THE EXTENT OF MY VISIBLE JOY.


THE IMAGE OF MY SILENT JUBILEE IS UNAVAILABLE BECAUSE IT IS SILENT, CURRENTLY.

BUT IT HAS HAPPENED, MY SWEETIES: THANKS TO MY AMAZING AND FULLY PATENTED STRATEGIC INITIATIVE, NOT ONLY HAS JEFF OOI WON AN IMMENSE VICTORY IN JELUTONG, BUT THE OPPOSITION ITSELF HAS TAKEN FIVE STATES (INCLUDING MY OWN HOME STATE OF SELANGOR!!!) AND HAS SHATTERED BN'S TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY IN PARLIAMENT. KING SAMY HAS FALLEN! WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW OVERJOYED I AM, BUT I'M USING THEM ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU IDIOTS CAN ONLY READ WORDS.

COME, LET'S PLAY A GAME OF 'SPOT THE SAMY'... IS HE HERE? IS HE THERE? OH WHERE MIGHT HE BE HIDING? WHERE IN PARLIAMENT IS SAMY? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: IT'S A TRICK QUESTION...

THE POWER OF MY UNDERDOG'S STRATEGY WAS SUCH THAT NOT ONLY DID THE MALAYSIAN OPPOSITION MAKE A KILLING AT THE POLLS, BUT BARNSLEY KICKED CHELSEA OUT OF THE FA CUP, PORTSMOUTH DID THE SAME TO MANCHESTER UNITED, SCOTLAND BEAT ENGLAND IN THE SIX-NATIONS AND OBAMA BEAT CLINTON IN WYOMING!!! WAIT... IS BARACK CURRENTLY THE UNDERDOG? OR IS IT HILLARY? OH YEAH, I'M RIGHT, IT'S BARACK...HILLARY WAS LAST WEEK'S UNDERDOG. ANYWAY, THERE YOU GO - TRULY WE CAN LOOK UP AT THE SKY THIS NIGHT AND SEE NOT THE DOG STAR SHINING BENEVOLENTLY DOWN ON US, BUT THE UNDERDOG STAR.

SPEED OF LIGHTNING! ROAR OF THUNDER! FIGHTING ALL WHO ROB AND PLUNDER!

THE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE WITH A HAPPY ENDING OF A CALIBRE THAT NOT EVEN THE MOST SKILLED CHINESE MASSEUSE CAN PROVIDE. JEFF LOST HIS VOICE, AND ON MY ADVICE ROCKED UP TO A RALLY WITH HIS GUITAR AND SANG INSTEAD, BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW SINGING DOESN'T REQUIRE A VOICE, WHEREAS TALKING DOES. JEFF SANG, AND THE BOSS (AKA 'THE PEOPLE') SPOKE BACK WITH A RESOUNDING "YES, JEFF, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD NOW THAT WE WILL EVEN VOTE FOR AN ABSOLUTE AND UTTER CRETIN LIKE YOU BEFORE WE VOTE FOR THE OTHER GUY!!!" IT TRULY IS A GLORIOUS DAY FOR LESSER EVILS. IT WAS ALSO A GOOD ONE FOR TORRENTS OF NAUSEATINGLY PURPLE BULLSHIT SPOUTED BY POMPOUS HUMAN FOGHORNS.

IN THIS TIME OF HAPPINESS I WOULD LIKE TO CALL ON ALL OF US TO PAR-TAY LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW, AND TRY TO FORGET FOR NOW THAT SOME OF THE OPPOSITION PARTIES THAT HAVE DONE WELL ALSO STRONGLY SUPPORT RACIALLY CHARGED AND ANTI-PROGRESSIVE CAUSES. AND I WOULD LIKE IN THIS MOMENT TO THANK OUR PRIME MINISTER ABDULLAH AHMAD BADAWI FOR MAKING THIS VICTORY POSSIBLE, BY LOOSENING THE SHACKLES PLACED UPON US BY HIS PREDECESSOR THE MIGHTY TUN DR. PHD MAHATHIR, FOR CLEANING UP THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION, AND FOR SAYING THE OBVIOUS THING ABOUT DEMOCRACY THAT MALAYSIAN POLITICIANS HAVE FAILED TO SAY FOR YEARS - THAT IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE, AND THAT OUR DECISION IS FINAL. HAHAHAHA, WHAT AN IDIOT!!! AND SLEEPY TOO!!! COME, FRIENDS, LET US ALL LAUGH AT HIM. LET US TALK AS THOUGH MAHATHIR WAS ACTUALLY BETTER, RATHER THAN JUST LUCKY AS FUCK, AND LET'S PRETEND TO TAKE THAT SENILE OLD RACIST TYRANT SERIOUSLY WHEN HE SAYS THAT HE BELIEVES MALAYSIA NEEDS A STRONG OPPOSITION. HURRAY FOR THE ABILITY TO FORGET THE PAST AND HOLD CONFLICTING VIEWPOINTS!!! DOUBLETHINK ROCKS.

SENYUM BUAT APA? SIAPA SURUH YOU PERCAYA SANGAT PADA DEMOKRASI? PADAN MUKA!

WAH, HEMSEMNYE...INILAH BARU MUKA ORANG PANDAI, YANG TAHU MACAM MANA NAK SUBJUGATE ORANG RAMAI BUAT BERPULUH TAHUN. TENGOK SEKARANG, HASIL KERJA KERASNYA SEMUA DAH HANCUR BERKECAI, SEBAB SI ANU YANG GAMBARNYA KAT ATAS TU.

BUT NOT TOO MUCH CELEBRATIONS NOW. STAY INDOORS. STOCK UP ON FOOD. BEWARE THE BOOJUM. AFTER GOT RIOT MEANS HABIS. INSTEAD SING THIS SONG IN YOUR HEART AND THINK OF THOSE HAPPY LION CUBS:

BORN FREE / AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS

AS FREE AS THE GRASS GROWS

BORN FREE TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART

LIVE FREE / AND BEAUTY SURROUNDS YOU

THE WORLD STILL ASTOUNDS YOU

EACH TIME YOU LOOK AT THE STARS
STAY FREE / WHERE NO WALLS DIVIDE YOU

YOU'RE FREE AS THE ROARING TIDE

SO THERE'S NO NEED TO HIDE
BORN FREE / AND LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

BUT ONLY WORTH LIVING

'COS YOU'RE BORN FREE!

Jeff, Why Can't You Let Me Work My Magic In Peace?!

Sometimes, working for Jeff can be a very difficult thing, my dear dumplings. Just today I woke up and in passing I just so happened to look up Jeff's special Parliament blog, and what did I find there but an absolute strategic catastrophe. And this happened over two weeks ago! I can't believe I didn't notice it earlier. Basically, my man Jeff 'By The Power Of Grayskull' Ooi has revealed to the world what our secret weapons are - SMS campaigns and the Internet. What am I going to do now? We were relying on the fact that the Internet and SMS services are our little secrets, but now the whole world knows about them! Jeff just went and gave it all away! Needless to say, I gave him a stern talking-to today. "I can't run this campaign for you, Jeff, if you don't run everything you say by me before you say it. Now everybody knows about the Internet! Go, go away and leave me be, I must re-strategise."

Jeff Ooi, after I'd given him a piece of my mind.

That said, I was very pleased with some of the other things Jeff said in the article. For example, he mentioned that his contribution to the DAP campaign was "a five-figure sum". This is a trick I personally taught him, drawn from my deep knowledge of mathematics. You see, nowhere in Newton's or Cantor's laws does it say that the digits behind a decimal point must be left out when determining the number of figures in a sum. So, for example, rather than tell someone I donated RM5.25, I can tell them I donated a 'three-figure sum'. Furthermore, you are technically allowed to add as many zeroes as you wish behind a decimal point, so I can keep doing this forever, depending on how impressive I wish to be; for example, I could call my donation RM5.250000 instead, which would be a 'seven-figure sum'. I often do this when chatting up women at bars. Seven figures is about right, any more than that and it's too big and intimidating for them.

Is that a seven-figure sum I see in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, right now?

Also, I noticed that Jeff did exactly as I taught him, in putting up a small and barely readable scan of the article on his blog, even though there's a perfectly legible online version available. The reason for this is that, as bloggers, Jeff and I both know that nobody takes text on the Internet seriously. We bloggers are sort of jokes, really, with about as much credibility as Najib Tun Razak, Scientology or Wikipedia. Instead, stuff has to be printed before people can take it seriously. So when people look at the online version of an article about Jeff, they will think, "Cheh, like don't know what only. We weren't fooled by Wikipedia, how can we ever be fooled by this?"; but if they see a scanned image of that same article, they will think "Wah, this man has been featured in a printed publication! I will now vote for him." It doesn't even matter what Jeff says in the article, which is why I told him to make sure it's blurred. In fact, it's better blurred, because most of the time when Jeff says things they're so stupid that the skulls of the people who hear them just explode. And that's not good, because people with exploded skulls can't vote.

Jeff wuz ere, recently.

So, despite Jeff's numerous fumbles and stumbles, I soldier on. We will not give up. Only three days to go now. Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Laying down the Hatch for Elections II

Ahoy-hoy, me hearties!

Well, here I am again to fulfill, as promised, your deep, damp, burning desire for insights into the world of politics. Been there, done that, Ladies & Gs, and here I am to bring the results to you, my devoted audience. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am now Chief Political Strategist, Campaign Coordinator, Web Advisor and High Admiral in Jeff 'Kiss me quick' Ooi's campaign to become the Member of Parliament for Jelutong. This kind of brief requires military leves of preparedness and planning, and I have risen to the task like the proverbial porn star's cock. And the Big Jeffuna has given me permission to reproduce here my unique and superior Four-Step Strategy To Slam Dunking The Pilihan Raya, for my readers' eyes only. Patent pending, folks...so don't get any big ideas - they're not going to happen. You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking.

uno) Book

After settling into my new workspace in Jeff's campaign headquarters, which I have dubbed the Oval Office (the interns call it the Oral Office, wink wink), the first thing I asked Jeff was, "When are you publishing your book?"

To which he replied, "Book? What book?"

To which I replied, "Brother...you must publish a book, how else are you going to win? People think of you as a sage, a prophet. You must put down all your teachings in a single resource for them to quote at their relatives over dinner. Obama did it, now you must too."

"Aiyah," he said, "I haven't the time for to writing."

"No no no... don't write it now... use stuff that you've already written. The important thing is you have to get this book out before the campaign period is over."

"Oh I see...well, I have writing one column in Malaysian Business, but ah...I embarrass in saying lah, but ah...actually, to write that column I just take sentences from Business Times and Time and mix them all up randomly using one program I download from Internet. Then I use one different program to mess up the grammar, so nobody will suspect."

"Doesn't matter, brother," I quickly reassured him, "Just faster compile them into one book and find one joker to print it. Nobody can take you seriously unless you have hit the printed page, come on, as bloggers we all know this. And make sure to use the foreword to imply what a good leader you are, and dedicate the book to the people of Penang. Actually, no... make that the Penang Diaspora - when in doubt, use big words you don't fully comprehend; nobody else really understands them either, so you'll be fine. You must not miss this opportunity for maximum bodeking and self-glorification. In fact, don't just say that you're a good leader, imply that you're a...a thought leader. Yes, yes...and say that Malaysia too must be the thought leader of the world - no, wait! Say that Malaysia must lead in thought leadership! That way you use the word 'lead' twice! Also say something about the economy, because the economy makes food and people like food. Oh wait, no- don't say the economy, say the Knowledge Economy! That covers food and brain things! My gosh, am I on a fucking roll or what?!" I turned to him, excitement burning in my eyes.

"Uh...but what the Knowledge Economy means?", asked Jeff.

"Aiyoh, why're you worried about the details? Let me worry about the details, brother. You just remember to use the words 'thought' and knowledge' and 'leader' and 'leadership' as much as you possibly can. That way people will think that you know what you're talking about."

Here we come, NY Times Bestseller List! Watch out, Dan Brown, you are about to get SERVED, in the immediate future.

dos) Don't Commit to Anything Specific a.k.a. The 'Egg' Stratagem

I pointed out to Jeff that nine years ago his rival, Koh Tsu Koon, made the foolishly specific promise that Penang would be at the level of Singapore in 10 years time. And look at Penang today - still with only one bridge, still without legalised prostitution and people still haven't learned to drive. So I instructed Jeff to attack this ridiculous promise while at the same time never providing any equivalent promises of his own. See, ol' Mr. Koh made a big mistake when he just mouthed off in the attempt to get votes - the cardinal rule of mouthing off to get votes is, don't ever be specific! So while I got Jeff to use his insider knowledge of the IT industry to pinpoint businesses that are leaving Penang, and even taught him to take down the illogical figures put forward by his opponents, through the whole thing I made sure that he never replied with any actual policies or plans. This is a commonly used tactic of the Malaysian opposition, who without fail campaign on the platform that if elected they will not be BN. In today's world, I told Jeff, nobody who knows anything still believes in positive campaigning and positive politics. You need to be negative all the way. I knew I'd succeeded in educating Jeff on this crucial point when I heard him say this in an interview with his best pal Tan Sri Rocky bin Allahyarham Hj. Bru:

It’s an ageing constituency as only 15.7 per cent of the people are below 35 years old. Jelutong has been punished by BN while it was in opposition hands. It needs to catch up with development and better quality of life. Bread and butter issues reign high. There are strong ill feelings against inequitable distribution of national wealth. Now that the cost of living has gone up, unhappiness is fermenting.

Isn't that just awesome? Aren't you in awe? Look at that - he can quote a statistic, attack the government (without proposing any solutions to the mess they've made), use key words like 'unhappiness', 'inequitable' and 'distribution', name drop the economy with food-related terms such as 'bread', 'butter' and 'fermenting', and through the whole thing he manages to say nothing at all, and reproduce only the most banal, safe and non-committal political platitudes that we as Malaysians have loved listening to for the last 50 years! I keep telling Jeff, don't submit any projections about the economy, and if you have to use figures make sure to be vague and confusing; which is why, thus far, the only other statistic he has used in his campaign is this one, also found in that same seminal interview with The Rock(y):

Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Amazing! Does this man know his shit or what?! See, in one fell swoop he has counseled caution regarding predictions of the future, and yet he has also hinted at what that future might be, but without committing, so that he can change direction at the last second! Is he promising one egg? Or many? If it's one, why will we need to count it? Does counting to one actually qualify as counting? And if he's saying it'll be one egg, doesn't that mean that he has already counted the egg? The mind boggles, and the electorate will be kept occupied, pondering the actual meaning of this statement for a long time before they notice that the dust has settled and what has hatched from Jeff is not an egg at all but in fact a piece of shit. Genius. I was so pleased with this quote of Jeff's that I've decided it should be the campaign slogan, which it now is. At one point Jeff did ask me, "But brother, what happen after if we winning electorate, I have no ideas about future action as MP?" And I said to him, "Jeff, my dear, pure-hearted friend, do you really think anyone in this country has any idea what they'll do after they're elected to public office?"

How many eggs are there here? This very scientific diagram is proof of Jeff's commitment to counting eggs only, after the elections.

tres) Start a Donation Drive to Make It Seem as Though Your Campaign Has a Point

I did think, however, that we could potentially face a problem from members of the public who notice that Jeff isn't actually laying out any kind of strategy to correct the problems of the nation, so I came up with, if you don't mind me saying so myself, an astoundingly brilliant gimmick. See, we all know that BN has shitloads of money to throw at campaigns, whereas the opposition are all a bunch of paupers living out of prime bungalows in USJ, right? So why not start a donation drive, with a target amount that Jeff claims to want to raise for his campaign? Basically, with a high-yet-feasible amount (after careful calculations I elected to go with RM100,000), people will be distracted into thinking that Jeff's campaign is actually fighting towards something tangible. We all know that for Malaysians the most tangible thing in the world is cash - oh so cold, oh so hard, and oh so tangible. This campaign fund idea has been a roaring success, with Jeff tagging a reminder about it onto each and every one of his posts to distract people from the general vacuity of everything he says. So if some naysayer comes along and naysays, "What are you actually going to do about the situation in Penang, Jeff... what kind of policy approach will you be taking?", Jeff can reply "I have raised close to RM100,000! We are in a fight, a race to reach RM100,000! Help me raise RM100,000!" I even managed to tie in the Book element of my strategy to this campaign fund, by getting Jeff to offer a copy of his book to everyone who donates! Which solves the problem of actually selling the damned thing, thank heavens. However, perhaps my success with this strategy has been a little too scintillating - the campaign kitty has already breached the RM100,000 mark. "What will we do now that you've gotten there prematurely?" is a question Jeff has heard many times before from his wife, although on this occasion it was myself asking it. Of course, in both situations the question was purely rhetorical, because in both cases the solution was clearly not something Jeff could provide. Curiously, the solution-provider in both cases also happened to be me. Small world, eh? Anyway, we've hit RM100,000, so now what? Well, I won't say anything, except that there's a reason why the electoral commission allows us RM200,000 in total. ;-)

What's that you ask? Is Jeff actually fit for government, or for anything else besides being a steaming turd? Now now, sit down and I'll address your concerns. No, I insist - sit. Hey, look what I found! What a pretty picture! Look! Okay, now stare at it... stare at it... staaaare at it... You are growing veryyyy sleeeeepeeee.... you will falll into a deeeep sleeeeeeeep.... veryyyy.... shooooortly....

catorce!) Rally the Bloggers!

Lastly but not leastly, we have to remember the people who made Jeff what he is today: the legions of Malaysian bloggers. Yes, my pretty, you and I - it is we who are responsible for Jeff's ascendance and his amazing ability to take on the political process despite being unable to coherently lead an argument, let alone a constituency. Thus, I considered it crucial that Jeff make it clear to his fellow bloggers, a race that we all know to be superior to all other Malaysians, that there ought to be a member of our hallowed bloodline in a position of authority. It's a simple political tactic - feed on people's sense of superiority and make them think that what they are is somehow relevant to being a good leader in and of itself, and that hence they must vote one of themselves into power. It's sort of like a stamp-collector deciding to run for parliament on the basis that stamp-collectors are superior human beings and hence must lead the rest. It doesn't matter if stamp-collecting, like blogging, is largely irrelevant to leadership. What does matter is that one of us is in power, rather than one of them.

Now that's what I'm talking about! Get a blogger into Parliament, before those damned cricket umpires and Magic: The Gathering players get one of their own in there, in 6 days' time.

So there you have it, my lovely disciples - through this strategy of my devising, I believe Jeff cannot possibly lose this election. But we must work hard, and stick out our necks for Malaysia. Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.