YB Ooi and the World of Tomorrow

WE IS IN PARLIAMENT! It's teh awesome ballz! w00t! Pakatan Rakyat are 1337 h4xxorzzzzzz!!!!111!!!!11111
Even if we were busy celebrating our new social uprising with lots of champagne and forgot to submit our questions (luckily I had already reminded Jeff "The Man, The Myth, The YB" Ooi via SMS to submit his questions before spending the night asking a different sort of oral question, hurh, hurh), my great cohort and cahooter, Tony Pua still managed to spin it in such a way as to make Pakatan look like it was protesting something or other. Meaning the 15 BN MPs who also didn't submit questions are basically crossing over to our side. Hurrah for bipartisan politics!


Tian Chua, we forgive you. Obviously with that haircut, it's not easy for you to get lucky. Forget about the questions, just help us keep the seats warm in parliament, these few weeks.

Bipartisanity or bipartinsanity - depending if you're British or American - is just one of the changes that has happened since YB Ooi, the Man of Steel, has taken up residence in the anals of power of this country. Yes, anals, you read it right, because as we all know, with so much bullshit flying around, it's only by getting to the arse of the matter that we can make changes in this country that has just been reborn and reloaded and now needs a makeover from some gay flers who have queer eyes.
Remember, Jeff is Chief of Staff. One of the staff, is Datuk Lee Kah Choon, formerly of Gerakan, whose lack of bowel movement after March 8 has started this whole biparti(n)sanity.


The power in the anals have gone from limp to rigid, since Jeff was erected... uhh, elected.

But since The Dark Knight Sir Jeff has ridden into Parliament, he has caused even more sweeping changes, and we're not talking about just the Indonesian maid who has to clean up after him because he is so gelojoh in the canteen. Now that the first session of Parliament is over, I shall list just a few, a few mind you, of the innumerable things that YB Ooi has masterminded in Parliament.


Master of The Universe!

In fact, The Dark Knight Sir Jeff, started it all when his trusty steed was abducted while he was lending his Ears of Justice to his liege lord, the King. Sensing that BN had something to do with this, and with the help of the Horse Whisperer they might learn our most covert secrets, we set out to go way overboard with this, ensuring that this dastardly deed could not be covered up.
And the perfect opportunity presented itself when YB's Ibrahim Ali and Karpal Singh engaged in "ye olde sixe o' one, halve aye dozen of anothoure" about being sat down - such important issues, where one sits and if one should be sitting at all, di Saluran Ceria Anda...
Knowing what kind of kerfuffle this would cause amongst seasoned wheelchair-huggers like our veteran of 24 years as a pro despite not finding it 'fun' and someone else who thinks it's actually 'exciting' (ah, democracy and free speech is alive and well even in this niche community), we knew that Karpal's ensuing press conference would gather many of these esteemed members of the press, so-named because every time something like this happens, they sure 'stim' one.


Peter Tan should know that life can still be fulfilling, despite being a person with a disability, or disabled person or a disability with a person, or whatever, until he can afford stem cell implants.

So we hijacked the questioning about Karpal's steed, which indeed, is only powered by one manpower, to our steed, a much more important several-dozened horsepowered Buatan Malaysia. As can be read via the definitely neutral and fair blogsite because Pakatan Rakyat runs it, we milked it for all it was worth, with such phrases that were so powerful that only the fair and neutral newspaper that is not controlled by BN could use - "I found a spot but I was told that I could not park there, probably because I was only driving a Wira and the spot could be occupied by a Mercedes-Benz or any bigger car."
Bravo, Jeffanator! Thinly-veiled jabs at corrupt BN politicians when this 7-year-old Wira is actually the car you punish your wife with rather than whatever fancy car you actually have FTW!
"This is a blatant dereliction of duty and double standards on the part of the Home Ministry and the IGP. It is an obstruction of the duty of MPs who have a respectable duty to listen to the Royal Address and debate on it when sitting convenes."
YB Ooi of the Jungle PWNSSSSZZZZ!
We also managed to query if the fuzz would also try and eat into an MP's measly RM6,000 allowance by issuing a fine or if in fact, the car was damaged by being towed and then sledgehammered by these police hooligans. Even though we knew no such thing would happen since the cops had only towed it into A PARKING BAY INSIDE PARLIAMENT and did not issue a summons. But we knew we could fool the rakyat into thinking that Jeff 'Hellraiser' Ooi was victimised by the lack of parking rather than the actual fact that he can't drive to save his life because after all, who reads the NST? Certainly not our constituents in Jelutong, hahaha!
But rakyat jelata sekalian, by doing this we have actually served the greater good. Now all Malaysians can enjoy additional parking at Parliament! This is but the first in a long line of changes Malaysia can now embrace simply because, and let us never forget, that Jeffwoman is in Parliament.


An actual damaged Wira, a sight soon to become a scarcity, since they launched the Persona.

More changes were afoot when we insinuated Brigadier General Ooi as Chief of Staff to the Chief Minister of Penang. Who knows what a CoS actually does besides help you in trigonometry, but it's a hella great title, isn't it? And it helps us tumpang glamer and be part of the government of the day when we were earlier too sombong to run for ADUN.
But even then, we've managed to force a positive change. We've cut down cost by convincing Lim Guan Eng to fly economy! And also to take cheaper rooms in hotels. But our friend, I tell you, not so clever to spin. Instead of saying, "I only use whatever I need," he gave up the game and said, "I usually request for a room that is at least one level down from what I am accorded." Aiyo, Lim! Must I handle the entire DAP PR? Jeff the Thing is a handful already!
But anyway, we even ensured that we got a lot of coverage of this. How? We very cleverly ensured that a blogger got whiff of this. And once our special and supreme race of people caught on to this, we knew it would spread like piss in a swimming pool.


It's art, in modern times.

Eventually, even The Nation's No.1 Advertising Portal hyped it up. An unexpected bonus occurred when they cetak rompak a picture that our blogger took! Haha, summore cetak rompak a picture with Ning Baizura inside!
Score one for Bloggers vs MSM!
The Incredible Jeff was so happy to have made such an impact, that he decided to reward himself with a holiday to Saigon! As he says with such erudition, "Itching to claim back the cultured part of me," he decided to get out of that backward and unsophisticated island of Penang to make sure he could still maintain his 1337 aristocratic pwnage!


See lah these uncultured turks, all the tourist traps they put big big, but the heritage all small, small. Penang, your past, you have so easily forgotten, today.

For all he's done, don't you agree that he deserves to take a break in the middle of a parliamentary session? After all, Captain Malaysia Ooi can let Guan Eng do the work instead. As we know, Jeff The Human Torch is the grease that oils the machine, the power behind the Red Bull, the wind in the sails of DAP. Even Guan Eng knows this, which is why, when some 'siao char boh's (Penang kia is Hokkien lang!) accused Jeff of being sexist, Guan Eng knew that he had to be The Fantastic Ooi's spokesperson.
Can you not see it now? Only the truly powerful can get their bosses to do their work for them. And as for these petty women, let's face it, how many old hags don't want to be like the Desperate Housewives, making love to anything with three legs and the thamby who comes to cut the grass? This is not sexist la, you stupid fucking retarded dumbshit cunts. I'm making you fuckwit dumbass pussies look glamourous!


Glamourous! Not like you money laundering bitches of the regime of, yesterday.

Sigh, you wanna know the truth people? W-ooi-verine is in fact, behind all the positive change we've seen of late. Raja Petra getting credibility by being jailed? That's us! Tun Dr Mad Hatter quitting Umno and weakening BN? Us too! Trying to act shocked that Tun has resorted to racism when he's actually a 70% good man? Uhh, actually, that was all Jeff's idea. But, hey, compared to raising petrol prices, not bad, right? Right?

People Who Live In Democratic Countries Say The Darndest Things

IT HAS BEEN OVER A MONTH SINCE, MY LOVELIES! AND NONE OF US HAVE TURNED INTO WEREWOLVES IN THAT TIME! PROOF, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT BN IS FULL OF LIARS!


No animals were harmed in the making of this girl, in the past month.

Only good things have happened since March 8, my good fellow citizens of a proper democratic country, which has just experienced a birth, a new dawn, puberty and many other mighty metaphors of moving manganese. The air is freer, the water is freer and most importantly, the speech is freer.


One of the underreported benefits of the NEP, for 37 years now.

Ah, don't you just love free speech? Some say, all this liberal democracy is the result of the Age of Enlightenment, where something something, and then, we all became smart.
Obviously, we know this is not true. Not only is it not true because Enlightenment is like such a long word that it is practically meaningless, just like antidisestablishmentarianism, but also because we know that free speech has so much weight. Ia mengandungi isi yang padat, saudara-saudari sekalian.
So how can it be the product of Enlightenment? It's obviously a product of En-heavyen-ment, something that is true, because it is so close to Heaven, and we all know that they say in Heaven love comes first, so we'll make Heaven a place on Earth.
Even the King of the World himself, the man who was known as Elvis the Pelvis, could not escape En-heavyen-ment. Gravity always wins, my dearly abducted.


A whole lot of En-heavy-enment goin' on, when blue suede shoes were still in fashion.

Enlightenment only gave us rational thinking, which is patently rubbish. What has rational thinking ever brought us? It is only with irrational policies like ISA, OSA, keris-waving, name-calling, and juvenile accusations of racism, that we have managed to come to where we are today, a country where Jeff Ooi, ladies and gentlemen, is a YB! We have succeeded, finally, with our powers of free speech, to weigh in and deliver YB Ooi to the rakyat of Penang! This has finally become a reality, all thanks to Malaysians everywhere and their fervent belief in the legacy of En-heavyen-ment which has resulted in free speech spektacularrrrrr.


Ye, betul, Jeff is above the law like 18SG ratings, for the next 5 years.

This is best exhibited, by the sort of free speech that has resulted from an altogether superb irrational policy, the NEP. Immediately after the March 8 elections, the-man-who-wouldn't-want-to-be-but-ended-up-Chief-Minister, Lim Guan Eng, said, "No need-la this NEP all," much to the chagrin of some Malay flers.
I also dunno if actually got a lot of Melayus who were pissed off, but thanks to free speech and En-heavy-enment, we can say that some Malay flers pissed off, therefore, Mr Lim screwed up. After all, Pak Lah himself said so.

"The (Penang) state government must not try to create an atmosphere which can cause racial tensions," our good PM, who is also Penang Umno chief.
Hah, Mr Lim! Heard or not? Bring back the Malay-affirming NEP so there won't be an atmosphere of racial tensions. Non-racial policies only create racial tension, you stupid n00b of a CM.
Pak Lah also said the new state government in Penang should not marginalise the Malays, who are the minority in the state, and other minority groups like the Indians. This can be achieved of course, by ensuring kedaulatan NEP, which somehow ensures the kepentingan of minorities, but also majorities when the state has a larger Malay population. And don't tell me this is illogical. It's already been explained. Logic is a legacy of this rational thinking devilry. So don't listen to logic!


n00b!

We should instead, follow the example of Penang Umno secretary Datuk Azhar Ibrahim who said some impressively illogical things.

1. It will also result in unrest because Malays will face all sorts of hardship.
2. Despite 50 years of Independence (and also affirmative action for Malays), Azhar said the Bumiputera's equity was still lacking by 18.7 per cent. The group has yet to achieve the 30 per cent target.
3. Azhar claimed the DAP, unlike Barisan Nasional, had never supported and encouraged the NEP. Therefore, it begs the question - "They claim to represent the people of all races but are they really doing so?"
4. Since the party had been chosen by the people to lead the state, along with Parti Keadilan Rakyat, they should be responsible for each and everyone's well being, Azhar said. Meaning, not just uhh, Malays? Or Chinese? Ok, I get confused.


Melayu ke Cina?

The point is, irrationality has resulted in free speech, this most precious commodity of democracy dollars - the currency that buys you all the hot air you'll ever need.
Place these statements by the free speaking Umno top guns against the insipid blubbering of Mr Lim, who claims that when Umno protested outside Komtar, they did not hand him a memorandum and then you will realise the power of free speech.

"It is all part of freedom of speech," he rightfully spotted - well done, oh keen-eyed heir to the DAP throne. "However, I am surprised that they
did not give me any memorandum."
See this guy. Has hardly warmed his seat in office and already trying to clamp down on our freedom of speech. Wanna protest must have memo one meh? We all know that we can protest for any reason without having to aim to do anything concrete about it. Protest is enshrined as part of any institutions right to achieve maximum marketing and PR leverage.
That's why Hindraf can protest outside the British High Comm on a Sunday when nobody is there to accept their 'petition'. That's why they can use children to do a man's job.
Sokong Hindraf! Sokong kebebasan bersuara!


Join Hindraf in support of Child Labour, this coming Labour Day.

Want more evidence? Why, you simply have to look at how we've irrationality allowed bollocks in our judiciary to go unaddressed for 20 years! And it's resulted in a cacophony, a symphony, an operatic chorus of free speech in the past few weeks.

Chief Justice Datuk Abdul Hamid Mohamad started it all by urging members of the judiciary to help correct the people's negative perception of the judiciary.
"Every misconduct of any member of the judiciary will tarnish its image. So, I urge all members of the judiciary, irrespective of positions, from the highest to the lowest, to work together in unison to boost public perception of the judiciary," he said.
Spot on la, Yang Arif. Once people perceive it as the most canggun institution in Malaysia, everything will be solved. And how do we make people think that? Well, by practising the same free speech you did, of course! No need to reform, reform la, just talk about reforming cukup.
After all, Najib already said, we're not apologising for the sula of 1988, just paying for the bill, that's all, like the fees for so many of Max Mosley's Nazi whores.
So no need to want to repent, reform, to run from our wicked ways. Just make sure people like how our judiciary looks. Get Judge Dredd or someone like that, and people will start cheering wildly in the streets but not in the courts, because that would be in contempt, the opposite of good perception.


A new form of capital punishment being proposed to reform our judiciary, with immediate effect.

But the final word on free speech, must of course go to the Bob Dylan of Free Speech himself, who used so much free speech that he lost his voice, and had to use free singch instead.
Right after masterminding and being the spearhead - the pointy bit of the spear that hurts the mammoth, in purely unsophisticated caveman terms - of the new dawn of the rebirth of the pubescence of the new Malaysia, YB Jeff wasted no time in slinging his free speech in all directions and using it for the ultimate good - promoting Jeff 4 Malaysia, which if you didn't guess by now, is basically the same as Jeff 4 PM. Pak Lah might be PM now, Najib might be PM-in-waiting, Mahathir the PM-in-retirement, Ku Li the PM-in-his-dreams and Anwar might be PM-out-of-jail, but Jeff is the one and only true 4PM-Time-For-A-Nap.
Now that he's already running Penang as its Chief of Staff ("I decided to accept a job offer from the new Penang Chief Minister to be his Chief-of-Staff... without pay - yes, Brother Jeff! That's the way. You've learnt well. Make it look like you are sacrificing for the people instead of the slut-4-power you are who now wants to busybody with Penang affairs after making the mistake of not running for DUN) he's able to spread all the wonderful propaganda for the furtherance of the Mighty Ooi-mpire that will sweep across this nation like a big penyapu lidi.
This includes the all-powerful practice of posturing with statements like "OK, am I the first blogger in the world who is elected into Parliament through the democratic process? I am feeling the heat now." Excellent! Forget Tony Pua, or even those lowly DUNces (hurh, hurh) like Nik Nazmi or Elizabeth Wong, the only blogger that matters, the only blogger who spits free speech even when he's not actually talking, is Jeff "YB" Ooi.
He represents free speech with his entire being, I tell you, to the point where YB Jeff can actually come up with stuff like "he asked me if I realised what JEFF could mean for my political belief. It's Justice, Equality, Fairness and Freedom, he said. (Gee, I didn't realise that!)"
Another beautiful setpiece by the one and only YB Jeff. Yes, let some poor imaginary imaginationless fart do the talking for you and then blog about it like you're so heartened by the rakyat's support. Awesome, it brings a tear to my spin-doctoring eye.

YB Jeff has learnt that one shouldn't just spend every waking minute fantasising about the kind of megalomaniacal acronyms our names could be. Sometimes, if you think of some sentimental crap, it'll help people sympathise, emphatise or downright pity you. After all, we don't want people to know that we have wet dreams with our eyes open, i.e., jerking off.

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOLOLO

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, LOVING READERS. THIS POST WILL BE ENTIRELY IN CAPS IN ORDER TO CELEBRATE THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND IN THE LIFE OF OUR NATION. I AM USING CAPS BECAUSE MY SUPER MENTOR MAN, JEFF 'YB' OOI, HAS REQUESTED THAT WE STAY CALM, STAY COOL AND STAY HOME, WHILE OTHERS HAVE REQUESTED 'ZERO CELEBRATIONS'. SO THIS WILL BE THE EXTENT OF MY VISIBLE JOY.


THE IMAGE OF MY SILENT JUBILEE IS UNAVAILABLE BECAUSE IT IS SILENT, CURRENTLY.

BUT IT HAS HAPPENED, MY SWEETIES: THANKS TO MY AMAZING AND FULLY PATENTED STRATEGIC INITIATIVE, NOT ONLY HAS JEFF OOI WON AN IMMENSE VICTORY IN JELUTONG, BUT THE OPPOSITION ITSELF HAS TAKEN FIVE STATES (INCLUDING MY OWN HOME STATE OF SELANGOR!!!) AND HAS SHATTERED BN'S TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY IN PARLIAMENT. KING SAMY HAS FALLEN! WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW OVERJOYED I AM, BUT I'M USING THEM ANYWAY BECAUSE YOU IDIOTS CAN ONLY READ WORDS.

COME, LET'S PLAY A GAME OF 'SPOT THE SAMY'... IS HE HERE? IS HE THERE? OH WHERE MIGHT HE BE HIDING? WHERE IN PARLIAMENT IS SAMY? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT: IT'S A TRICK QUESTION...

THE POWER OF MY UNDERDOG'S STRATEGY WAS SUCH THAT NOT ONLY DID THE MALAYSIAN OPPOSITION MAKE A KILLING AT THE POLLS, BUT BARNSLEY KICKED CHELSEA OUT OF THE FA CUP, PORTSMOUTH DID THE SAME TO MANCHESTER UNITED, SCOTLAND BEAT ENGLAND IN THE SIX-NATIONS AND OBAMA BEAT CLINTON IN WYOMING!!! WAIT... IS BARACK CURRENTLY THE UNDERDOG? OR IS IT HILLARY? OH YEAH, I'M RIGHT, IT'S BARACK...HILLARY WAS LAST WEEK'S UNDERDOG. ANYWAY, THERE YOU GO - TRULY WE CAN LOOK UP AT THE SKY THIS NIGHT AND SEE NOT THE DOG STAR SHINING BENEVOLENTLY DOWN ON US, BUT THE UNDERDOG STAR.

SPEED OF LIGHTNING! ROAR OF THUNDER! FIGHTING ALL WHO ROB AND PLUNDER!

THE PAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN A ROLLER-COASTER RIDE WITH A HAPPY ENDING OF A CALIBRE THAT NOT EVEN THE MOST SKILLED CHINESE MASSEUSE CAN PROVIDE. JEFF LOST HIS VOICE, AND ON MY ADVICE ROCKED UP TO A RALLY WITH HIS GUITAR AND SANG INSTEAD, BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW SINGING DOESN'T REQUIRE A VOICE, WHEREAS TALKING DOES. JEFF SANG, AND THE BOSS (AKA 'THE PEOPLE') SPOKE BACK WITH A RESOUNDING "YES, JEFF, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN SO BAD NOW THAT WE WILL EVEN VOTE FOR AN ABSOLUTE AND UTTER CRETIN LIKE YOU BEFORE WE VOTE FOR THE OTHER GUY!!!" IT TRULY IS A GLORIOUS DAY FOR LESSER EVILS. IT WAS ALSO A GOOD ONE FOR TORRENTS OF NAUSEATINGLY PURPLE BULLSHIT SPOUTED BY POMPOUS HUMAN FOGHORNS.

IN THIS TIME OF HAPPINESS I WOULD LIKE TO CALL ON ALL OF US TO PAR-TAY LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW, AND TRY TO FORGET FOR NOW THAT SOME OF THE OPPOSITION PARTIES THAT HAVE DONE WELL ALSO STRONGLY SUPPORT RACIALLY CHARGED AND ANTI-PROGRESSIVE CAUSES. AND I WOULD LIKE IN THIS MOMENT TO THANK OUR PRIME MINISTER ABDULLAH AHMAD BADAWI FOR MAKING THIS VICTORY POSSIBLE, BY LOOSENING THE SHACKLES PLACED UPON US BY HIS PREDECESSOR THE MIGHTY TUN DR. PHD MAHATHIR, FOR CLEANING UP THE ELECTORAL COMMISSION, AND FOR SAYING THE OBVIOUS THING ABOUT DEMOCRACY THAT MALAYSIAN POLITICIANS HAVE FAILED TO SAY FOR YEARS - THAT IT IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE, AND THAT OUR DECISION IS FINAL. HAHAHAHA, WHAT AN IDIOT!!! AND SLEEPY TOO!!! COME, FRIENDS, LET US ALL LAUGH AT HIM. LET US TALK AS THOUGH MAHATHIR WAS ACTUALLY BETTER, RATHER THAN JUST LUCKY AS FUCK, AND LET'S PRETEND TO TAKE THAT SENILE OLD RACIST TYRANT SERIOUSLY WHEN HE SAYS THAT HE BELIEVES MALAYSIA NEEDS A STRONG OPPOSITION. HURRAY FOR THE ABILITY TO FORGET THE PAST AND HOLD CONFLICTING VIEWPOINTS!!! DOUBLETHINK ROCKS.

SENYUM BUAT APA? SIAPA SURUH YOU PERCAYA SANGAT PADA DEMOKRASI? PADAN MUKA!

WAH, HEMSEMNYE...INILAH BARU MUKA ORANG PANDAI, YANG TAHU MACAM MANA NAK SUBJUGATE ORANG RAMAI BUAT BERPULUH TAHUN. TENGOK SEKARANG, HASIL KERJA KERASNYA SEMUA DAH HANCUR BERKECAI, SEBAB SI ANU YANG GAMBARNYA KAT ATAS TU.

BUT NOT TOO MUCH CELEBRATIONS NOW. STAY INDOORS. STOCK UP ON FOOD. BEWARE THE BOOJUM. AFTER GOT RIOT MEANS HABIS. INSTEAD SING THIS SONG IN YOUR HEART AND THINK OF THOSE HAPPY LION CUBS:

BORN FREE / AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS

AS FREE AS THE GRASS GROWS

BORN FREE TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART

LIVE FREE / AND BEAUTY SURROUNDS YOU

THE WORLD STILL ASTOUNDS YOU

EACH TIME YOU LOOK AT THE STARS
STAY FREE / WHERE NO WALLS DIVIDE YOU

YOU'RE FREE AS THE ROARING TIDE

SO THERE'S NO NEED TO HIDE
BORN FREE / AND LIFE IS WORTH LIVING

BUT ONLY WORTH LIVING

'COS YOU'RE BORN FREE!

Jeff, Why Can't You Let Me Work My Magic In Peace?!

Sometimes, working for Jeff can be a very difficult thing, my dear dumplings. Just today I woke up and in passing I just so happened to look up Jeff's special Parliament blog, and what did I find there but an absolute strategic catastrophe. And this happened over two weeks ago! I can't believe I didn't notice it earlier. Basically, my man Jeff 'By The Power Of Grayskull' Ooi has revealed to the world what our secret weapons are - SMS campaigns and the Internet. What am I going to do now? We were relying on the fact that the Internet and SMS services are our little secrets, but now the whole world knows about them! Jeff just went and gave it all away! Needless to say, I gave him a stern talking-to today. "I can't run this campaign for you, Jeff, if you don't run everything you say by me before you say it. Now everybody knows about the Internet! Go, go away and leave me be, I must re-strategise."

Jeff Ooi, after I'd given him a piece of my mind.

That said, I was very pleased with some of the other things Jeff said in the article. For example, he mentioned that his contribution to the DAP campaign was "a five-figure sum". This is a trick I personally taught him, drawn from my deep knowledge of mathematics. You see, nowhere in Newton's or Cantor's laws does it say that the digits behind a decimal point must be left out when determining the number of figures in a sum. So, for example, rather than tell someone I donated RM5.25, I can tell them I donated a 'three-figure sum'. Furthermore, you are technically allowed to add as many zeroes as you wish behind a decimal point, so I can keep doing this forever, depending on how impressive I wish to be; for example, I could call my donation RM5.250000 instead, which would be a 'seven-figure sum'. I often do this when chatting up women at bars. Seven figures is about right, any more than that and it's too big and intimidating for them.

Is that a seven-figure sum I see in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, right now?

Also, I noticed that Jeff did exactly as I taught him, in putting up a small and barely readable scan of the article on his blog, even though there's a perfectly legible online version available. The reason for this is that, as bloggers, Jeff and I both know that nobody takes text on the Internet seriously. We bloggers are sort of jokes, really, with about as much credibility as Najib Tun Razak, Scientology or Wikipedia. Instead, stuff has to be printed before people can take it seriously. So when people look at the online version of an article about Jeff, they will think, "Cheh, like don't know what only. We weren't fooled by Wikipedia, how can we ever be fooled by this?"; but if they see a scanned image of that same article, they will think "Wah, this man has been featured in a printed publication! I will now vote for him." It doesn't even matter what Jeff says in the article, which is why I told him to make sure it's blurred. In fact, it's better blurred, because most of the time when Jeff says things they're so stupid that the skulls of the people who hear them just explode. And that's not good, because people with exploded skulls can't vote.

Jeff wuz ere, recently.

So, despite Jeff's numerous fumbles and stumbles, I soldier on. We will not give up. Only three days to go now. Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Laying down the Hatch for Elections II

Ahoy-hoy, me hearties!

Well, here I am again to fulfill, as promised, your deep, damp, burning desire for insights into the world of politics. Been there, done that, Ladies & Gs, and here I am to bring the results to you, my devoted audience. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am now Chief Political Strategist, Campaign Coordinator, Web Advisor and High Admiral in Jeff 'Kiss me quick' Ooi's campaign to become the Member of Parliament for Jelutong. This kind of brief requires military leves of preparedness and planning, and I have risen to the task like the proverbial porn star's cock. And the Big Jeffuna has given me permission to reproduce here my unique and superior Four-Step Strategy To Slam Dunking The Pilihan Raya, for my readers' eyes only. Patent pending, folks...so don't get any big ideas - they're not going to happen. You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking.

uno) Book

After settling into my new workspace in Jeff's campaign headquarters, which I have dubbed the Oval Office (the interns call it the Oral Office, wink wink), the first thing I asked Jeff was, "When are you publishing your book?"

To which he replied, "Book? What book?"

To which I replied, "Brother...you must publish a book, how else are you going to win? People think of you as a sage, a prophet. You must put down all your teachings in a single resource for them to quote at their relatives over dinner. Obama did it, now you must too."

"Aiyah," he said, "I haven't the time for to writing."

"No no no... don't write it now... use stuff that you've already written. The important thing is you have to get this book out before the campaign period is over."

"Oh I see...well, I have writing one column in Malaysian Business, but ah...I embarrass in saying lah, but ah...actually, to write that column I just take sentences from Business Times and Time and mix them all up randomly using one program I download from Internet. Then I use one different program to mess up the grammar, so nobody will suspect."

"Doesn't matter, brother," I quickly reassured him, "Just faster compile them into one book and find one joker to print it. Nobody can take you seriously unless you have hit the printed page, come on, as bloggers we all know this. And make sure to use the foreword to imply what a good leader you are, and dedicate the book to the people of Penang. Actually, no... make that the Penang Diaspora - when in doubt, use big words you don't fully comprehend; nobody else really understands them either, so you'll be fine. You must not miss this opportunity for maximum bodeking and self-glorification. In fact, don't just say that you're a good leader, imply that you're a...a thought leader. Yes, yes...and say that Malaysia too must be the thought leader of the world - no, wait! Say that Malaysia must lead in thought leadership! That way you use the word 'lead' twice! Also say something about the economy, because the economy makes food and people like food. Oh wait, no- don't say the economy, say the Knowledge Economy! That covers food and brain things! My gosh, am I on a fucking roll or what?!" I turned to him, excitement burning in my eyes.

"Uh...but what the Knowledge Economy means?", asked Jeff.

"Aiyoh, why're you worried about the details? Let me worry about the details, brother. You just remember to use the words 'thought' and knowledge' and 'leader' and 'leadership' as much as you possibly can. That way people will think that you know what you're talking about."

Here we come, NY Times Bestseller List! Watch out, Dan Brown, you are about to get SERVED, in the immediate future.

dos) Don't Commit to Anything Specific a.k.a. The 'Egg' Stratagem

I pointed out to Jeff that nine years ago his rival, Koh Tsu Koon, made the foolishly specific promise that Penang would be at the level of Singapore in 10 years time. And look at Penang today - still with only one bridge, still without legalised prostitution and people still haven't learned to drive. So I instructed Jeff to attack this ridiculous promise while at the same time never providing any equivalent promises of his own. See, ol' Mr. Koh made a big mistake when he just mouthed off in the attempt to get votes - the cardinal rule of mouthing off to get votes is, don't ever be specific! So while I got Jeff to use his insider knowledge of the IT industry to pinpoint businesses that are leaving Penang, and even taught him to take down the illogical figures put forward by his opponents, through the whole thing I made sure that he never replied with any actual policies or plans. This is a commonly used tactic of the Malaysian opposition, who without fail campaign on the platform that if elected they will not be BN. In today's world, I told Jeff, nobody who knows anything still believes in positive campaigning and positive politics. You need to be negative all the way. I knew I'd succeeded in educating Jeff on this crucial point when I heard him say this in an interview with his best pal Tan Sri Rocky bin Allahyarham Hj. Bru:

It’s an ageing constituency as only 15.7 per cent of the people are below 35 years old. Jelutong has been punished by BN while it was in opposition hands. It needs to catch up with development and better quality of life. Bread and butter issues reign high. There are strong ill feelings against inequitable distribution of national wealth. Now that the cost of living has gone up, unhappiness is fermenting.

Isn't that just awesome? Aren't you in awe? Look at that - he can quote a statistic, attack the government (without proposing any solutions to the mess they've made), use key words like 'unhappiness', 'inequitable' and 'distribution', name drop the economy with food-related terms such as 'bread', 'butter' and 'fermenting', and through the whole thing he manages to say nothing at all, and reproduce only the most banal, safe and non-committal political platitudes that we as Malaysians have loved listening to for the last 50 years! I keep telling Jeff, don't submit any projections about the economy, and if you have to use figures make sure to be vague and confusing; which is why, thus far, the only other statistic he has used in his campaign is this one, also found in that same seminal interview with The Rock(y):

Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Amazing! Does this man know his shit or what?! See, in one fell swoop he has counseled caution regarding predictions of the future, and yet he has also hinted at what that future might be, but without committing, so that he can change direction at the last second! Is he promising one egg? Or many? If it's one, why will we need to count it? Does counting to one actually qualify as counting? And if he's saying it'll be one egg, doesn't that mean that he has already counted the egg? The mind boggles, and the electorate will be kept occupied, pondering the actual meaning of this statement for a long time before they notice that the dust has settled and what has hatched from Jeff is not an egg at all but in fact a piece of shit. Genius. I was so pleased with this quote of Jeff's that I've decided it should be the campaign slogan, which it now is. At one point Jeff did ask me, "But brother, what happen after if we winning electorate, I have no ideas about future action as MP?" And I said to him, "Jeff, my dear, pure-hearted friend, do you really think anyone in this country has any idea what they'll do after they're elected to public office?"

How many eggs are there here? This very scientific diagram is proof of Jeff's commitment to counting eggs only, after the elections.

tres) Start a Donation Drive to Make It Seem as Though Your Campaign Has a Point

I did think, however, that we could potentially face a problem from members of the public who notice that Jeff isn't actually laying out any kind of strategy to correct the problems of the nation, so I came up with, if you don't mind me saying so myself, an astoundingly brilliant gimmick. See, we all know that BN has shitloads of money to throw at campaigns, whereas the opposition are all a bunch of paupers living out of prime bungalows in USJ, right? So why not start a donation drive, with a target amount that Jeff claims to want to raise for his campaign? Basically, with a high-yet-feasible amount (after careful calculations I elected to go with RM100,000), people will be distracted into thinking that Jeff's campaign is actually fighting towards something tangible. We all know that for Malaysians the most tangible thing in the world is cash - oh so cold, oh so hard, and oh so tangible. This campaign fund idea has been a roaring success, with Jeff tagging a reminder about it onto each and every one of his posts to distract people from the general vacuity of everything he says. So if some naysayer comes along and naysays, "What are you actually going to do about the situation in Penang, Jeff... what kind of policy approach will you be taking?", Jeff can reply "I have raised close to RM100,000! We are in a fight, a race to reach RM100,000! Help me raise RM100,000!" I even managed to tie in the Book element of my strategy to this campaign fund, by getting Jeff to offer a copy of his book to everyone who donates! Which solves the problem of actually selling the damned thing, thank heavens. However, perhaps my success with this strategy has been a little too scintillating - the campaign kitty has already breached the RM100,000 mark. "What will we do now that you've gotten there prematurely?" is a question Jeff has heard many times before from his wife, although on this occasion it was myself asking it. Of course, in both situations the question was purely rhetorical, because in both cases the solution was clearly not something Jeff could provide. Curiously, the solution-provider in both cases also happened to be me. Small world, eh? Anyway, we've hit RM100,000, so now what? Well, I won't say anything, except that there's a reason why the electoral commission allows us RM200,000 in total. ;-)

What's that you ask? Is Jeff actually fit for government, or for anything else besides being a steaming turd? Now now, sit down and I'll address your concerns. No, I insist - sit. Hey, look what I found! What a pretty picture! Look! Okay, now stare at it... stare at it... staaaare at it... You are growing veryyyy sleeeeepeeee.... you will falll into a deeeep sleeeeeeeep.... veryyyy.... shooooortly....

catorce!) Rally the Bloggers!

Lastly but not leastly, we have to remember the people who made Jeff what he is today: the legions of Malaysian bloggers. Yes, my pretty, you and I - it is we who are responsible for Jeff's ascendance and his amazing ability to take on the political process despite being unable to coherently lead an argument, let alone a constituency. Thus, I considered it crucial that Jeff make it clear to his fellow bloggers, a race that we all know to be superior to all other Malaysians, that there ought to be a member of our hallowed bloodline in a position of authority. It's a simple political tactic - feed on people's sense of superiority and make them think that what they are is somehow relevant to being a good leader in and of itself, and that hence they must vote one of themselves into power. It's sort of like a stamp-collector deciding to run for parliament on the basis that stamp-collectors are superior human beings and hence must lead the rest. It doesn't matter if stamp-collecting, like blogging, is largely irrelevant to leadership. What does matter is that one of us is in power, rather than one of them.

Now that's what I'm talking about! Get a blogger into Parliament, before those damned cricket umpires and Magic: The Gathering players get one of their own in there, in 6 days' time.

So there you have it, my lovely disciples - through this strategy of my devising, I believe Jeff cannot possibly lose this election. But we must work hard, and stick out our necks for Malaysia. Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Laying down the Hatch for Elections

Ladies and Gentlemen, your Favourite is back.

Some may have wondered (while laying between the sheets craving a firm yet gentle touch) where on earth I'd disappeared to for the past two months. Wondered and yearned. Well, my darlings, I have been hard at work. In January I was approached to undertake a very important project to safeguard the very future of this nation, and obviously I had to turn my attention there, leaving my blog unattended.

In the time I've been away, much has been rumbling in the tumbly of our nation - parliament was dissolved and elections are nigh, a time of great joy for flag and poster manufacturers. This is in keeping with the tradition of the Pilihanraya, which were set up by our nation's founders in order to provide employment and sustenance for those in the flag and poster business. Plus, in addition to all this wonderful business stimulation, the people get to have a big party too, and pretend as though they actually have some kind of real choice, that it isn't just a choice between two evils. They get to believe that their nation belongs to them and that it actually is a democracy!

Democracy!, circa 2000

I myself am no outsider to the democratic process, and I personally believe that any Malaysians who do not vote are wasting their lives AND being irresponsible. Yup, it doesn't really matter if you think you have the right not to vote (haha, you think you have rights), or if your choice is between a power-crazed moron with a compulsive corruption disorder on the one hand and a power-starved moron with a superhero complex on the other - you still gotta fight / for your right / to party! What I mean is, of course, that you gotta fight for the politicians' right to party, but same-same lah, ok? I mean, at least somebody gets to party. Would you rather nobody at all be partying? Are you that mean-spirited?

JOM KITA BERPESTA, minggu depan.

In that sense, this year's elections will be a bit different for me, in that I have finally made the transition from the side of the partied-upon to the side of the partiers-upon. For in late December I was approached by one of Malaysia's most exciting political upstarts and offered a prominent position in his campaign force. Initially a rumour that this offer would be made came to me through my Little Earthworms, who said to me that "from an oriental pearl would emerge J for Jendetta who would seek a D for Didekick in his quest to save V for Valaysia." My Earthworms always talk like that, what to do. At first I greeted their news with skepticism, but then I received a phone call.

"My boy," this great hero of mine said to me, "Think not what your country can do for you, think what your country can do for me. And while you're at it, think about what you can do for me too."

Immediately I accepted. And now I can reveal to you, boys and girls and ladyboys, the identity of this sexilicious Knowledge-Economist (or Knowledgeconomist) for whom I am acting as Campaign Coordinator, Chief Political Strategist, Web Advisor and High Admiral - it is none other than the Malaysia's Bapa Pemblogan, Jeff 'I am not a crook' Ooi!

These fine gentlemen are 'not' 'crooks' either, nor have they been, ever.

Yes, it's been an exciting couple of months, my minions. Jeff was named the candidate for Jelutong, running against no less that Koh Tsu Koon, who is very important, they tell me. I moved into my office in Jeff's new campaign headquarters, and since then I have been constantly at Jeff's side, making coffee and answering all his crucial questions on the campaign, many of which he himself had neglected to ask. I have been yelling at the interns that I haven't been cigaring, and drawing lots of flow charts, using words like 'diaspora' and 'technopreneurship'. Thrilling times, my babes, thrilling times - but they are about to get even thrillier. For in the next two days, exclusively for my sweet, voluptuous readers, I expect to receive clearance from my Big Boss Ooi to release the top-secret quadruple-prong strategy around which I have shaped his campaign. You will be able to experience my genius at close quarters, and you will also learn why I am ending this post with the words: Let's not count the egg before it's hatched.

Jesus Christ Plays Santa Claus This Christmas

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 drunkards drinking...

Oh, hello there and thank you for coming to Daft Oi 2008, otherwise known as DO08 (pronounced doob, you noob). This is of course, different from 8==D, which is something Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later.


Type in 8==D into Google Image search and you get that. Just shows that 1337 h4xx0rs can definitely get the most w00t babes, in the blink of an eye, or the typing of a search term in Google.

It's been yet another earth-shattering, balls-shaking, knee-quaking, suicide-bombing end to the year. It seems to be developing into a pattern that at the end of every year, the world would be smote by the Almighty.
There could be any number of reasons for this. Al Gore thinks it's all those greenhouse gasses causing climate change. Osama bin Laden thinks it's US imperialism. Jeff Ooi thinks it's Datuk Kalimullah Hassan. But we all know that the truth is that it's because the world has become a veritable Sodom & Gomorrah of epic proportions, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. Patience, yo.




All of them are wrong, all of them have stupid cults backing them but only Jeff Ooi thinks some Muslim fellah is the problem. Typical redneck, should go for political correctness training, today.

In 2004, we had the Indian Ocean Tsunami which pwned all our asses, especially the Acehne-asses. In 2005, on Dec 31, another second was added, 23:59:60, called a leap second, causing confusion amongst New Year's Eve revellers, as champagne bottles were opened one second too early, illicit kisses made one second too early, and one second came one second too late.
In Dec 2006, The Baiji, which is not a rare form of South Asian, but the Chinese River Dolphin native and aboriginal to the Yangtze River, was declared extinct, and in 2007, well, all your Benazir Bhutto are belong to Al-Qaeda, or the Taliban, or the Mahsud. Whoever. What does it matter who was involved, anyway? The important thing is who was the victim, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. Why do you guys keep bringing him up at the wrong time?


R.I.P, 4EVA.

All this is because we've become a world saturated with immorality and I don't think I need to name the sort of evils we've been involved in. Fixed elections, child prostitution, genocide, double stuff Oreos and most evil of all, the killing of Santa Claus in 2006. Yes, you evil and perverse generation, you killed a Saint. Saint Nickel Arse. It's one thing to make fun of a fat guy's name, it's another to kill him entirely... or catch him having sex with a hidden camera, as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. You guys, hang on okay? I'll get to that... sheesh!


Santa, in better days.

On December 30, 2006, a man known popularly as Sad Damn Who's Sane was executed by hanging but from picture evidence (compare above and below, tell me that's not the same man!), we knew it was actually Christmas' Man of the Hour. The One and Only True Bearer of Justice in the world.
And when we killed him, we unleashed a terrible curse upon all mankind.


Only he knew, who was naughty or nice, on Christmas Day.

Jesus Christ, who had for centuries been the figurehead of Christmas, grew tired of the pointlessness of it all and handed the job to trusted bishops here on earth. For nearly 17 centuries, the man we've come to know as Santa Claus had done his job with much generosity and 'tutup satu mata'-ness until we caught him and killed him, in the name of democracy, liberation and oil. Blood for Oil! Woe is us and the US too!
Now you know why this madman of a dictator was mass murdering, initiating genocide and starting a magical invisible and disappearing nuclear arms program. It was to punish naughty children around the world. Did you think he was actually interested in murdering ADULT Kurds? No, it was all about those little bastard Kurds!


Kurd bitches have been naughty and need to be punished, tonight!

But now, we've awakened the way, the truth and the life, the man who pwned Death itself with his 1337 2d20+∞ healing powers. We've brought back to the world, none other than Jesus Christ. And he's not happy at being forced to downgrade himself from Chief Executive Officer of Heaven to Delivery Boy - Christmas Department. And that's why he's been raining brimstone and skyrocketing oil prices on your crazy cracker asses.


Another kind of brimstone, yesterday.

But you say, this makes no sense. If Santa Claus died in 2006, how did Jesus cause the devastation of the 2004 Tsunami?
Well, it's because he's like, God, isn't it? And he lives like, in this thing called eternity? It means time has no meaning for him. So, if he likes, knows you're gonna be a bad ass sonofabitch in 2006, he can punish you in 2004. It's called preemptive strike. Where do you think the bloody nonexistent people in the nonexistent country of Israel got the idea from? They stole it from the baby Jesus 2000 years ago. America was just copying this great idea and trying to play God, like they always do, just like how DVD sellers in Johor Bahru were making copies of a sex video as Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs knows well enough, but more on that later. SERIOUSLY, you guys! Wait for it. Let me finish with all this first.

Well this time, they played God one step too far. With Santa @ Sad Damn gone and Jesus in a grumpy mood, 2007 was a horrific and cataclysmic year. Jesus put everyone of in his naughty list.
All my peeps East side, how do you like them monsoon rains, huh? Now you know what done happened to Atlantis, isn't it? They pissed off Jesus.


Lost to humans forever, Atlantis is now the domain of strange and mythical creatures such as Spongebob Squarepants, as seen here in an artist's depiction, dated 2006, around the time Santa Claus died.

Just like the Hulk, you won't like Jesus when he's pissed off. He was so pissed off with Benazir Bhutto being corrupt, and that Pakistani President/Commander-in-Chief/GI(General of Islam)-Joe Pervert Musharraf had given her corrupt ass amnesty, he decided not only that Benazir Bhutto would not lead her party to victory in the Pakistani elections, but that she would not even have a quick death.
Instead of simply being shot through her pottu which would've resulted in instant death - or the pottu she would've had if she wasn't such a bloody liberal Muslims, which would've been an easy target to aim at - she was shot three times in various spots on her body, giving rise to her new nickname, Nearly 17 Cents or Just Over 10 Rupees, because just like the guy who talks with a slur and somehow has sold over 20 million albums, she too survived after sustaining multiple gunshot wounds.


I know I'm a hawt, hawt shawty, but you gotta slow down, please don't shoot me.

Benazir then suffered the shock from the blast of a suicide bomber which killed 20 people around her, and so must've definitely hurt her too. And after all that pain, finally Jesus made sure that after the slow and painful death, it would also be a humiliating death. You know it was Jesus, because it was so bizarre and improbable, only Jesus could've done it with his mutant powers.
The Interior Ministry of Pakistan stated that "Bhutto was killed when she tried to duck back into the vehicle, and the shock waves from the blast knocked her head into a lever attached to the sunroof, fracturing her skull." Now, try and tell me that wasn't the miraculous power of Jesus.

On the local front, Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soiled Eggs was caught on video having sex with a woman other than his wife. Haha, well, guess for all of us good Malaysians, Jesus put us on his nice list and gave us all a good laugh and some gossip this Christmas.

So, the point is... what? You want more on Chua? Enoughla? What do you mean I built up all the anticipation earlier? I did no such thing, get off my back! I'm not an unknown woman in a sex video!

The point is, ok, that God is fair! Jesus' reign as Lord High Ruler of Christmas has been as just as Santa Claus'. Even if there was a lot of sorrow and grief for us sinners this Christmas, he at least gave us some comic relief as we could all go and back half-funny jokes about the 'health' of our minister and whether he had access to viagra and bla bla bla.
So thank your lucky stars for that. Thank the Moon Goddess that if you're cheating on your wife, you're not a high-ranking politician in the MCA who might just become deputy president soon. Thank Amon-Ra that if you're black, you can sing very well and run very fast. Thank Parameswara that if you're Malay, you get Bumiputera privileges. And thank Buddha if you're not Malay.